Monday Night Romance

Monday night was filled with the three men in my life (each meeting a very particular need): More Narc, a visit from B and of course, Jack Bauer. B arrived at my place around 6:00. I was feeling very run down. All of this emotional stress and late night partying had worked me into a fever and cold yet again. Teaching was tough in the morning and my voice lesson was even worse.

Anyway, B and I were watching Seinfeld when my cell rang--it was Narc. I guess he knew he had to deal with what happened last night. He probably didn't remember much, except that some "damage control" was in order. I told him I had a friend over and was relocating into my bedroom to talk in private.

"We don't have to talk now," he said.

"So when do you want to talk?" I asked. "Later this week?"

"Well, no. I'm going to start writing again tomorrow. Tonight is the only night that I'm taking off this week."

"So what's up?" I asked him. "Are you finally calling me back from last week?"

He told me that he's calling "everyone" back from last week--that when he writes, he forgoes all correspondence and does not communicate with a single soul. (I find that hard to believe, but whatever...)

The whole conversation was exceedingly odd. He said he wanted to apologize because he "guessed" he had "yelled at me" the night before in an attempt to get me to come down and see him. I explained that it wasn't his agression that upset me, but rather his insults. I reminded him that he called me a "drunk," an "unfit teacher" and a "bitch" several times.

He was embarassed, as I suspected, and apologized, assuring me that he really doesn't think those things about me. I didn't really respond, waiting for him to explain. He said that he had had a rough day on Sunday and probably just took it out on me. I think he's depressed--doesn't like where his life is right now and doesn't feel like his old friends are there for him. I can't help him with that though. Especially if he insists on constantly pushing me away.

At that point, he started trying to get off the phone.
"Wait! Are we going to hang out at some point?" I asked. "I mean, what's going on with us? Do you want to make some kind of plan?"

He reminded me that he's not going to be available for the rest of the week and that if I wanted to see him, I had to come to him right away.

"But I have friends over, and we're going to watch 24!"

"Well, if you want to see me, now's your chance. I can TiVo 24 for you if you want."

I turned him down, but told him that we have to figure out what the hell is going on between us. He has me so confused all the time. His response--to remind me that "we're not having any kind of romantic tryst or relationship" (we're not?) and that "we're not monogomous" and that there's "nothing really between us" and that since I'm the one who's been "bringing guys back to my place late at night" it's obvious that I'm looking for a relationship even though he's not in relationship mode. (Should I bother explaining that if I were really looking for a "relationship" I wouldn't go about it by going out to bars and bringing guys back here for "medicine?" Not worth the effort...) I pointed out that I haven't slept with anyone except for him since November for a reason. (Let's ignore certain December incidents for the moment...) November is when I told him I had feelings for him, and I've held to that. He told me that I should "take those guys up on their offers" and that there's really nothing to discuss.

I agreed that there's nothing to "discuss," but there is a lot for me to figure out. I mean, we've spent seven months together now. He's told me that he loves me many times starting in October. I can't help it if I'm not "cool" enough to handle things staying ultra-casual, but I have feelings for him and they need to be dealt with. If he doesn't want to deal with them, then I need to stop seeing him because it only hurts me and makes me anxious during his "disappearing" acts.

"Do what you have to do," he told me. He said I would have a while to think about it because he was going back "underground" for the week and I wouldn't hear from him again until he was done with his next phase of writing.

The phone call left me feeling anxious and upset, but confused more than anything. How can a man who tells me he loves me and adores me on the one hand, turn around and tell me that there is nothing romantic between us and that we don't have a relationship on any level??? Huh?????

I came back into the living room and cuddled with B a bit which made me feel a little better, but still so fucking sad and confused. I needed to ask Narc to answer that for me. I mean, he was feeding me 100% bullshit and it just wouldn't settle. I decided to call him back. My excuse-- to find out that name of that "lame British band" that I forgot to ask about.

Predictably, he said he didn't know what I was talking about. He didn't remember dancing around at all the night before, and he certainly couldn't recall what band it was. I told him how ridiculous he had been acting and we both started laughing about it. We went on joking for a bit until he brought up (yet again!) that I bring guys back to my house. I objected to him throwing that up in my face constantly. I reminded him that I have insomnia and he knows that, and that I just like to find interesting people to stay up talking with all night. It doesn't mean I'm "unfaithful" (to this non-committed relationship) or that I'm looking for sex or romance. It just means I have trouble being alone and can't sleep.

"Besides," I asked him, "How can you say things like you both love and adore me and then tell me that we're not in any kind of romantic relationship whatsoever?" To me, that's more disjunctive than any of my unsavory behaviors.

His strange reply: "That's not what I said. I didn't say there's no relationship." (But that is what he said!).

I told him that when he flips back and forth like that it doesn't make sense to me. I asked him to explain himself. If that's not what he said, then is there anything between us? How does he feel about me? He just kept saying "I don't know, I don't know," and tried to usher me off the phone.
"You have to go watch your show and my pizza just arrived," he said.

"Fine," I said. "Go eat your pizza."

And that was that. Once again, not much resolution. I know that to most readers he sounds like a jerk. It probably also sounds like he is not really interested in me. It's hard to convey in writing, though, what there really is between us. I know the strength of his feelings for me. I also know that he is not comfortable with those feelings. Every time he puts me down or insists that I'm with other guys, it's an attempt to find a reason to keep me at arm' s length. I know that I've already gotten to him just as much as he has to me. As B pointed out, he's in a perfect equilibrium. As the saying goes, he "can't live with me, can't live without me."

What do I want to do about it? I just need to stay sober for the week and avoid contact. Let him come after me or I have to forget him all together. I just can't degrade myself by drunk-dialing any time soon.

B overheard most of our second conversation and told me that he thinks that I behaved in a way that's really creepy. He could hear Narc through the phone and was repulsed because he's come to hate him so much. He couldn't believe how casual I sounded, laughing and conversing as if with an old friend despite the verbal abuse and emotional rollercoaster I suffered the night before. B told me that it creeps him out that I take all it in stride as if it's all normal and okay. He got pretty upset and picked up one of the pillows on the couch, slamming it down in anger. I thought it was sweet--evidence of how much he loves me. I would be frustrated too if I were in his shoes.

From there, the night improved. I started to feel a little less feverish and Hammer arrived to watch 24. It was a great episode--especially the bit when Almeida appeared out of nowhere! Yay! I live for Monday nights now. Hammer bought me the cutest charm with her nickname for me on it, which I put on a chain like a pendant. She explained it was because I lost my crystal. Luck would have it though, I found my amethyst! They still had it over at Cheers, along with my credit card. (I never paid the tab Saturday night). So Hammer, B and I bummed around for a while before turning in for the night. I shut my cell phone and unplugged my land-line (on principle, after the night before), and went to sleep.

Today I've got a new class starting which should be pretty good. I still have an awful cold, but am going to try to take it easy the next few days...focus on school and get lots of sleep. Wish me luck!