Strange Love

Ok...a few thoughts for the day.

First of all: I have to stop being so dramatic about Narc. I mean, I hate when he says I'm dramatic, but we all know I'm an emotional girl and sometimes it's just not called for. After all, no one is making me hang out with him. I obviously enjoy being with him (and I definitely enjoy the sex). I should stop acting like a little victim who's being jerked around and used. If I didn't want to be seeing him I wouldn't.

Second of all: While he does completley frustrate me and is definitely into mind games, I don't think he perceives himself as a bad guy and I do think that he respects me. It's almost as if he's being so evasive and dicking me around like this because he doesn't want to send me the wrong message. Maybe I should point out to him, though, that he should stop saying his loves me if he wants to disappear and act like an asshole. I mean, talk about the wrong message, right? He thinks he's being "responsible," but he can't have it both ways.

Anyway, regardless of all that, it was still an unexpected treat to get to spend Valentine's Day with him. Where was I in my story? I think I left you off just before I left for my voice lesson on Monday afternoon.

Anxious was up and about and had done some grocery shopping. She made us some eggs...actually a "breakfast burrito." I went and nudged Narc to find out if he wanted one. He said he did, but never actually stirred from his sleep to come and eat it. In the meanwhile, B and I got into a fight on the phone. We've got some major issues to resolve and the fight only got worse today, but I'll write about that later. For the moment, I want to stick to the Valentine's Day chronology.

B was angry both because I called him so late the night before and because I had called him while drunk. (We have a general deal that I don't do that). I called him to apologize for my transgression, but he only yelled at me. He told me that he's "sick of hearing my bullshit about Narc."

"He's giving you garbage," he said. "And you keep going back and asking for more garbage and more garbage and more fucking garbage! It's your own fucking fault and I don't have any more patience to listen to this!"

I felt totally caught off guard. Even if B's right, it shouldn't matter. He's my friend and I need his support. On top of that, if I weren't the type of girl to go back for my refill of garbage, there's no way he'd be in my life anymore either. He certainly piled the garbage on for a long time himself. At that moment though, I just felt completley alone. I sent him a text telling him so. He didn't respond. I wrote him another text begging him to forgive me. A few hours later I got an answer.

"Of course I'm still your friend," he wrote, "but you're an emotional retard! YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT GET BETTER!"

Damn, he hates Narc! Obviously he and I were going to have to talk this thing out, but I had to go to my lesson and it was Valentine's Day and I just couldn't deal with it at the moment.

Anyway, my voice lesson was a bit torturous. I was really going on no sleep and I had smoked my share of cigarettes the night before. Ughh.... I have to say though, that considering the abuse I put my body through, it really wasn't that bad a lesson either.

Coming back from my lesson I jumped in a cab. I just wanted to get home as quickly as possible. I was afraid that Narc would have woken up and left before I came back. It was raining out and crossing through the park I got stuck in traffic due to the opening of Christos' Gates project. I called Anxious on her cell and she told me that Narc had just woken up and that they were hanging out. Talk about strange... The only other friend of mine who has ever met Narc is Hammer. I haven't even seen Anxious in months, and there she was "kicking it" with Narc in my living room!

When I got home, the first thing I saw was Narc sitting on the "bed" in the living room. (Anxious had slept on the pull-out sofa, so the sofa-bed was still jutting into the middle of the room. ) He looked like a fucking hung-over rockstar. His hair is getting a little long and scruffy and was all shaggy from sleep. He was wearing some rumpled up designer shirt completly open exposing his chest hair, and he had on black pin-striped pants. The night before he had been wearing a velvet blazer. It's a strange look and it was a strange sight. I'm not sure if I've quite conveyed it here. Anyway, Anxious was sitting at my computer desk doing math problems for her class. Narc was quite impressed that I had gotten up to teach and had managed to sing my way through a lesson. Good! Maybe now he won't think I'm such an unfit teacher. Maybe now he'll see that I actually have my shit together and can do what I have to do. Maybe now he'll see that I do actually have some discipline and I'm not 100% Id. I love that he got to come to my house too, because (as Hammer pointed out) he now has a context for me--pictures of my family, my paintings on the wall, etc. I'm not just some girl who shows up magically at 3:00 am to fuck him. Hopefully it will help.

He asked a little bit about my voice lesson. Even though I had been drunk, the night before I had tried to sing for him for the first time. I was happy that he was impressed with me. We all chatted for a while and then Anxious took off for her math class. I collapsed onto the sofa bed next to him. We cuddled and lolled in bed for a while, finally ordering a pizza and devouring the whole thing over a few hours of TV and fucking. He is such a hedonist like me. We are both all about the senusal pleasures and overindulgence. So all in all, it was a perfect Valentine's Day! Narc was sweet to my cat too which I loved!

The whole afternoon and evening he was so tender to me and I felt really close to him. We were talking about opera and I mentioned that I had tickets for the coming Saturday. He actually said he wants to go with me! (I'll believe it when I see it...) Later he started to doze off. (Don't ask me how the man manages to sleep so much...he had slept in until after 2:00 pm already!) I got up and played some piano. He was half asleep and listening and the room was dim and warm. My christmas lights were sparkling and reflecting in the windows and the mirrors. It was so nice--so cozy and wonderful. Later we cuddled and fucked some more and watched 24. Jack and Narc in one night! Talk about an overload of sensory stimulation...

After a while, Narc started getting cabin fever. I don't blame him. He hadn't left the house all day. We decided to venture out, although it was pouring rain and I was exhausted. I didn't feel like getting all made up, but I did make a little effort and changed into something nice. We walked over to Cheers. I was glad it was a Monday because PumpedUp and FightingMensch are never there on Mondays. In the past both of them have expressed the desire to kick Narc's ass (for making me sad), so I was glad I didn't have to deal with the tension. Instead, it was BarMan who was on duty. While we were getting ready to go out, Narc decided to finally open the gift I had left for him that morning. I got him a copy of my favorite history book because it has some chapters on things he's interested in too. I think he really liked it. He seemed really touched by my card (which I tried to keep appropriately nonchalent and well meaning) and he liked that I tried to share something of myself with the gift. He gave me a huge hug and kiss. I'm so glad he didn't feel "suffocated" that I gave him a present. Some guys are like that. Of course, he didn't get me anything or even a card, but I didn't expect him to and I honestly didn't mind. He spent the whole day with me for Valentine's, and that's present enough. (Okay B, again...stop wincing!)

When we got to Cheers, I told Narc I didn't want to drink. I sipped diet cokes and he had three whiskeys. I had to wake up early the next day to work on a paper I had neglected all weekend. BarMan was hanging out with us a lot because the bar was relatively empty. He kept making snappy jokes and being semi-flirtatious. I think it was because he was bored and we're good enough friends at this point that it's comfortable. Narc doesn't know that though, and I think he was a little annoyed that BarMan commanded so much of my attention. When he got up to use the bathroom, BarMan quickly came over to me.
"So? What's the story? Who's your Valentine?" he asked.
"The bane of my existence..." I told him.
I filled him in on as much as possible. He acted as if he hadn't heard about Narc before, but I'm sure that he's heard stories through the Cheers rumor mill. At least he was cool to me about it.

Narc was hungry, but it was after 11:00 and the kitchen at Cheers was closed so we decided to relocate in search of food. We walked up a few blocks to Opal, but the scene was pretty dead. He said he was craving some sashimi specific to Waikiki Wally's (I think he was plotting to get me downtown), so I agreed to move down there. Unfortunately for him, when we got there, their kitchen was closed as well. He insisted on buying me a drink, even though I said I wasn't drinking. (I don't think this guy is too good for me in terms of my abstinance resolutions!) He ordered me a drink anyway--something with coconut and ginger. I told him that if the one drink started me off on a drinking binge that he better take care of me. He laughed and promised that he would. The sweet drink he got for us was too much for me though. I started to blood sugar crash right away which only added to my current exhaustion. I got really sleepy and put my head on his shoulder. I said I needed to head home for sleep.
"Why don't you come and stay over my place?" he asked.
I was suprised that he wanted more time with me. We were going on our third night in a row together.
"I don't know... I have to wake up so early and I'll probably fall asleep right away which wouldn't give us much time to hang out tonight," I said.
"That's okay," he answered. "I just want to sleep next to you."
Well, you know me...I thought that was absolute sweetness and agreed immediately.

He wasn't nearly as tired as I was because he had slept all day. So when we got back to his house, he watched some TV and I fell asleep on his lap. An hour or so later he woke me up to move into the bedroom. We both fell asleep around 2:00 am.

This morning I woke up early to write my paper. I nudged him to say "goodbye" and he actually opened his eyes, wishing me luck on finishing my work. On my way back to my place I realized I had left my two umbrellas there and texted him about it. He wrote back to me as soon as he woke up. Strange that he responded right away. I guess he hadn't gone back into hibernation/rejection mode yet. (I know it's coming though, so I'm going to try to avoid calling him...)

The rest of the day was okay. I had to give a presentation in class today which went really well. Then I met up with B and gave him a Valentine's day card. He hadn't gotten me one either though, so I was a little sad. We left school and ate dinner, coming back to my place to watch 24 which I had taped for him. (He was out with his girlfriend on Monday night). We got into a big fight which left me hysterical crying--in fact, drowning in tears and literally racked with pain. It's all subsided now and he's still here and I think we've worked most of it out, but I really don't have the energy to explain what it was all about right now. I'll save that for tomorrow, if at all... I may never feel like talking about it, in which case, I won't.

One more point on Narc though... he said something strange at one point in our hang-out. We were talking about how I'm an Elvis fan. I told him that it's not an interest motivated by intellect; rather, it's purely an emotional attraction. Elvis just provokes a visceral response in me and puts me in a good mood. He didn't have anything parallel in terms of his own interests. In fact, he told me that he never has emotional responses to art or music, but rather, that he only appreciates the arts on an intellectual level. I can't fucking imagine that! I asked him if he has emotional responses to people, in terms of attraction. He said that he doesn't...that he only is attracted to people who impress him (intellectually, I suppose). He seems to be so completley out of touch with his emotions...like everything has turned stone cold inside him in a way. It's the total opposite of me. I am ruled by my emotions in a way that's almost suffocating. I dont' think we'll ever understand each other.

Oh well... I guess I should try to be more light hearted about everything. The fucking is exciting and passionate and as for the rest... it'll figure itself out.

So goodnight for now! Hope you all had a pleasant Valentine's day as well!