Today I'm exhausted, but in a good way. I was very productive in terms of school work, and managed to iron out the whole situation with Anxious. Actually, yesterday was a pretty good day too. I guess I'll start there...
After teaching on Monday morning I had a great voice lesson. My muscles and chords are still weaker than they were, but I think that all vocal injuries are healed and that just makes me happy! Since B and I were both on the Upper West Side in the afternoon, I met up with him for a half hour or so for some lunch. Then I walked down to 72nd street and did some very unecessary shopping before heading to school. At school, I looked up review articles in the library for a while--still trying to formulate a paper topic for my big project.
That evening, B met me at my place around 7:00 for another week of 24. Since he was here a few hours early, we took turns playing music for each other. ("Wanna share?") His latest obsession--Tchaikovsky. It's kind of funny because he is SUCH a Brahmsian and all about inwardness and brainy counterpoint. Tchaikovsky is much more in my emotional milieu (especially that Pathetique!), but I guess it's hard for anyone to resist a pounding tympani and a hundred violins playing a sweeping melody all in unison. At least, I can't fathom resistance... We had a lot of fun. I don't know why I was so hyper and in such a good mood, but I started to dance around the apartment as if I were in a grand ballet or ice-dancing in the Olympics. We were acting pretty silly, but it was good for the soul--especially in light of all the pining away (a la Narc) that I've been doing lately. Finally, it was time for 24. Yet another smashing episode, but without the punch of the Almeida suprise from last week. Still, I had to deal with the Anxious situation though...
I asked B to help me write a letter. I can be such a pushover (or "doormat" as B likes to put it) but he definitely has more of an angry edge, especially when it comes to defending me. My first email attempt was a pretty wishy-washy draft, but he sat down with me and helped me say what I really needed to say. VJ had given me some pretty brilliant advice on how to approach the situation, but it was manipulative girl advice and B thought it was too passive agressive. He said it was better to just be honest. In any event, the resulting email (along with the subsequent correspondence) is too lengthy to include here in full, but to make a long story short, I told Anxious that she's "too often made comments that I've found insensitive at best and insulting at worst." I told her that I feel like she's "been passive-aggressive and competitive," that "I want to be a good friend to her, but I've just found it a strain to spend time with her lately," and that a change in our relationship is partially just "natural" as we're both going through transitions these days. It was a lot more detailed and included some examples, but you get the general point... I was so nervous to send it. In fact, after I hit "send," I was almost in tears. I just didn't want to be mean to her or to have her angry at me.
This morning when I woke up, I dreaded checking my inbox. Surely enough, she had written back. Her response was appropriately apologetic and she acknowledged making nasty comments about my "crazy" life, but the overall tone of her letter was still hyper-critical of me. Basically, she framed her apology in a way in which she apoligized for offending me while pointing out that I must have been offended because I am "oversensitive" and "insecure" and just a general mess. She promised to try to be more sensitive to my problems without acknowledging any of her own. She also told me how sad she's been lately and implied that I've been a disloyal and shitty friend. Putting me down in such a wide variety of passive agressive ways in an apology letter constituted the very type of offense I was upset about to being with. She seems to have mastered the skill after much practice.
I wrote back to her right away, telling her that while I appreciated her apology, she totally missed the point. I told her that the tension between us has nothing to do with what she perceives to be my "insecurities." Instead, it stems from her insecurities masked as competition and hostility. I pointed out the various ways in which her last email was insulting. Finally (for the VJ touch), I told her that "If she's really crying every day, maybe she should talk her problems out with a professional." While you all know I don't think there's anything wrong with that (in fact, most people should give it a try--it helps), I knew the comment would really irk her.
After that, I wanted to put the issue bed. After all, I had woken up early to get some work done before class. However, just a few minutes later, my phone rang. It was Anxious and she was in tears. She told me that "everyone is leaving her" and she "can't afford to lose me too" because I'm "like her best friend and her sister." (Tug, tug at my heart strings!) I told her that I wasn't leaving her, but that this had to be addressed. The conversation, again, was too long to detail here, but the bottom line is that I held my ground and made my points. (Hooray for Hyde! Standing up for herself!) I told her that we need to have a relationship as peers--as equals. I'm not interested in having another big sister. I also told her that her anxious external persona is obviously unnatural and makes it difficult for others to feel natural and open and comfortable around her. Maybe I was a little harsh, but I've been holding this stuff in for so long and someone has to tell her how other people perceive her!
In the end, she was asking me to forgive her and sounding a little pathetic. I felt bad. The point was not to break her down or to make her feel bad or threaten to take myself out of her life, especially when she's going through a break-up! So I assured her that I am still here for her, and that I love her and that we'll probably both feel better after our get-together on Sunday. I hope that she stops with the competitive bullshit and that I actually can have a good time with her like I used to. We just have to "re-negotiate our relationship." (Does that phrase sound familiar to anyone? Those of you around from my pre-blog days might remember that Narc used the exact same phrase with me back in November... Ughhh..."Always on my Mind")
Anyway, all seems to be at least temporarily resolved with Anxious. But because of all the time and energy I spent on her this morning, I didn't get my reading done as planned. I had to race to school and try to pull everything off quickly before class. But because I'm Hyde and I'm an expert at pulling things off and getting myself out of time-management jams (again, practice makes perfect!), I managed to do everything. Yay!
After class Hammer and I bummed around at the library for a while. Now I'm back home "kicking it" with my cat and waiting for American Idol to start. I'm dying to go out for a bit tonight for Mardi Gras, but it's probably not a good idea (I don't think I need to explain why). Oh, I forgot to mention the other day--on Saturday I lost my amethyst yet again. Sadness! But I quickly recovered when on Monday I bought two beautiful amethyst pendants instead. I think it's wise for me to wear my crystals around my neck instead of carrying them in my pocket. Hammer thinks this whole situation is hysterical--that I carry crystals that protect from drunkeness and keep losing them while drunk! Oh well... I've always been one for foolish illusions. (If you don't believe me, think of my "love" for Narc.)
Anyway, I'm getting a little hungry, so I think I'll go rummage through my empty kitchen and see what I can come up with for dinner.
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