I'm absolutely exhausted today. Just finished my Friday teaching marathon. Last night I got back from Long Island around 7:00. I was supposed to go to my boxing class (which I just started on Tuesday and was going to blog about before the crisis), but I was really not feeling up to it. Instead I came home and kind of crashed for a while. B was supposed to meet me at my place at 9:30, but I got too sad sitting alone at home, so I decided to go to Cheers for the company.
When I got there, I kind of snuck in without anyone noticing me and took a seat (with my journal) in the corner. After just a few minutes, PakistaniMan saw me and approached.
"Is anyone sitting here?" he asked, gesturing to the empty seat at my table.
I told him that I was in a really bad mood and didn't feel like talking. He retreated, looking bewildered.
BarMan was sitting at the bar and waved hello. IrishBird must have told him what had happened, because he already knew. He was really sweet to me and tried to take my mind off it by talking to me about other things. He's a good guy. He offered to buy me a drink, but I turned him down. For some reason, the last thing I want to do right now is drink. I feel like if I drink, I won't know what's going on and I can't miss anything right now. What if the phone rings with news from the hospital! Anyway, IrishBird came over and gave me a big hug and offered to buy me my dinner. Soon after, FightingMensch came into the bar. He had no idea what state I was in, and was making annoying sexist jokes and flipping through Maxim magazine. He and BarMan were laughing. I kind of zoned out because I couldn't stand it, and as soon as I zoned out I started to get sad all over again. Eventually, I managed to eat my sandwich and after an hour and a half or so, B arrived. Seeing him, I was finally able to let myself feel all of this. At home with my family, I just have to be strong for my stepdad and my mom, etc. With B, it could be about my feelings, and I started to sob. It was a little embarassing, so I got up and ran into the restroom, but even when I came out I looked red and bleary. I guess there's not much I could do about it at the time. PakistaniMan came over and said IrishBird had just told him what had happened and that he's sorry for me. I said "thanks," but kind of just shrugged him off.
B and I left shortly thereafter and came back to my place and just talked. He was so sweet to me last night. He even offered to sit in on my first class this morning so I wouldn't have to be alone and so that afterwards we could get lunch. It made it easier to get through the morning and by the afternoon class I was numb with exhaustion, so I could sort of go on automatic pilot. Even though I've been teaching (in some capacity) for almost 4 years, B has never sat in on a class and so it was exciting for him to get to see me "in action."
I forgot my cell phone at home this morning so I couldn't get any updates on my brother, but when I got home this afternoon, my sister had left me a message. She said that the CAT scan results still don't look good, but that they can't tell how much of the mess is from swelling (which will go down and heal) and how much is from actual brain damage. While they said over and over that he's "critical," no one said yesterday that he's likely to die, so I am starting to get a little hopeful. It feels weird to be in the city and away from everyone though. I think I'll go back tomorrow morning, so that I can get a good night's sleep in my own bed tonight, but it's going to be hard.
More news on the Narc front:
(not that it even matter in light of what happened, and not that any of you think that there's anything to salvage there at this point, but I can't help caring.)
On Wednesday, shortly after I got the awful news, I sent him an email about what had happened. He wrote me back a nice message. He said:
Hyde--
I'm sorry for the terrible news; and believe me when I say that my prayers are with your brother, you, and your family. Should you need absolutely anything all, don't hesitate to call me. And remember, though it may come off as a bit of a cliche, truly, the most important thing here is for everyone to remain, on an emotional level, as positive as possible--for this will do wonders for the healing process (this from another near-fatal car accident survivor). Let me know how you're all doing
--Narc
I thought his message was super sweet and wrote to him right away telling him so. (B tells me that his message was a "common courtesy" and that while he's proven that he's "human," he's still an ass). Anyway, while B was able to stay over my place on Thursday night, I really wanted to see Narc tonight. I just wanted to be with someone who would hold me and with whom I could fall asleep. I sent him a text last night asking if he would be free. I wrote:
Sorry to bother u, but wondering if ur busy tomorrow night. Found a friend to stay w/me tonite, but no one 4 tomorrow & i really don't want to be alone. Will be back w/my family on Sat, but if it's a problem, don't worry...I don't want to impose.
Now, I have to confess, my text was not 100% true. I know that if I asked Hammer or VJ, that they would both be there for me tonight. In the long run, they both love me and support me a lot more than Narc, but it's just that I wanted to be held by Narc, espeically now. He wrote back:
May have plans tomorrow night, let you know.
Does that sound like the same person who told me that I "shouldn't hesitate to call" should I "need anything at all"??? Anyway, typically, I didn't hear back from him today. So I wrote to him again:
Any word on tonight?
And he replied:
Will probably work straight through tonight, can perhaps see you early next week. Be well.
I can't fucking believe him. He's such an ass, and right now I feel like I don't ever want to see him again. I can't believe I'm still expending energy on this asshole either...especially when my stepbrother needs me so much and needs to be surrounded by as much positive energy as possible. I can't help it though. My heart is still broken. I still feel love for him and in the midst of this crisis I wish harder than ever that I had Narc in the way that I want him. I so wish I could lean on him, even if it were just for a little. But he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want to be there for me at all in any way. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself tonight now. Even though I'm exhausted, maybe I'll try to head back to Long Island after a nap and a shower...
Keep praying for my brother and I'll keep you all posted. Hopefully we'll have good news really soon and things can get back to normal. (God, it's only been two days since this happened, but it feels like an eternity!)
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