Goodbye Narc

I'm sitting here wanting to write something, but not really knowing what to say. I feel like I've been though so much this week that I'm simultaneously flooded with feeling and completely numb.

On Friday night, I tried to survive the Narc-hurt by hanging out with Hammer. Waiting for her to come over, I sank a little and had three glasses of whiskey and a SoCo on an empty stomach. I also smoked half a pack of Dunhills, left over from when Narc was at my place for Valentine's Day. Hammer arrived around 8:30. We watched Room With a View (which was great) and ate sushi. About halfway through the movie, my alcohol wore off and I got a major hangover- headache. Hammer stayed and we talked until around midnight. By that time, I was so exhausted that I collapsed into bed. I couldn't really sleep though. I ended up tossing and turning for about an hour and a half. Finally I gave up and decided to go to Cheers.

I wasn't sure how I would feel at Cheers on a Friday night. The weekends are packed there for karaoke-night and I wasn't in such a social mood. On the other hand, I didn't want to be alone and was miserably sad about my brother and Narc, and couldn't stand to lay in bed any longer.

When I got there, IrishBird was tending bar. She gave me a huge hug and I ordered a drink. She begged me not to start drinking. (I guess she knows that I get emotional). She warned me that if I started drinking, I wouldn't be able to hold things back. She was so adamant about it that I agreed to start with a diet coke. I wasn't in the mood to fight. I took my drink and parked myself at a back table. I saw BulgarianGuy with two friends, but he didn't see me. I was glad for it because I looked awful. I was completely washed out with red and bleary eyes, slumped over in an oversized Columbia T-shirt, jeans and sneakers. But after half an hour or so, BulgarianGuy spotted me. His friends left and he came over to say hi.

"You don't look so well," he said. "Is everything alright?"

"Well, no..."

I explained to him what had happened. He gave me his most sincere apologies and offered to buy me a drink. Since IrishBird didn't want to serve me, I accepted his offer. From there, it was downhill, but BulgarianGuy was actually pretty sweet. He stayed with me the rest of the night, but I just drowned myself in glass after glass and got more and more emotional and incoherent. At some point (as always) I got invested in telling him the Narc saga. I think he was suprised that the Narc thing has been going on 8 months now, since I slept with BulgarianGuy in October. I explained to him that Narc and I were not (and are not) "together," but that I made the decision to be "faithful" to Narc in November (even though Narc never asked me to). He seemed cool about it, so I think that BulgarianGuy and I have successfully transitioned from akwardness to friendship.

Meanwhile, since it was karaoke-night, I had to sing something. Some really annoying girl (drunk and half-dressed) was hanging all over BarMan. When he saw me there, he gave me the CD he's been meaning to lend me, and I think she was confused. He was sweet though. One time (months and months and months ago) he sang a Garth Brooks song and I loved it so I passed him a note saying it had "made my night." I used to have a crush on him back then, and I was really drunk when I did it, but I guess he always remembered because he sang the same song on Friday and "dedicated" it to me. It was a nice gesture. Later, while I was singing one of my songs, the annoying drunk girl took the other microphone and started trying to sing along. I ignored her and instead blasted out the high notes as loud as I could and shut her down. It was kind of fun.

Anyway, at 3:17 am I texted Narc: R u up?

At 3:19 he wrote back: Out. Few min.

I was elated that he wrote back so quickly! I thought he was "home working" and would have gone to bed early. (Actually, in my heart, I knew he was lying about that or I wouldn't have texted him in the first place). I wasn't sure how to interpret his message though. I asked BulgarianGuy, IrishBird and PumpedUp. IrishBird said he meant that he would call me back in a few. They all warned me to forget about him and go home. (God, how I wish I had listened!)

I didn't hear back from Narc for about half an hour, so I texted again at 3:48:
I'm going home in 10-15 min, so let me know your deal before I'm snug in bed, okay? :)

I got an answer at 3:59: Come to my place.

I wrote back at 4:09: Now?

Narc called me. "Yes, now. Just hope you're in a good mood though. I don't feel like dealing with sadness."

He didn't feel like dealing with sadness? So I was supposed to shut up about my brother? I knew he was being a jerk, but I was drunk and didn't care. I still had one drink left though and Cheers was closing. I asked PumpedUp if I could have a cup "to go." He started laughing at me and told me he couldn't let me take alcohol onto the street.

"C'mon! Isn't there anything you can do for me?" I implored him.

He found a solution--he poured my drink into a portable soup container. Then he gave me some saltine crackers to carry on top. He thought it was hysterical. I didn't care. I was just eager to get home, pack my bag for the weekend and get to Narc. I was probably rude to BulgarianGuy for which I feel some remorse, but I just don't have the mental space to worry about it right now.

I went to the ATM to get some money for my bill, but as luck would have it, my bank account was completely empty. I only had about $20.00 on me, so I left Cheers with an I.O.U. and headed home.

I packed as quickly as possible and pit-stopped at the deli, where I bought Narc a chocolate croissant for breakfast the next day (as I know he loves those). Then I jumped into a cab (with my only $20 in tow) and headed to Tribeca.

The cab cost me nearly all of my money. I arrived at almost 5:00 am and Narc answered the door and kissed me. He had just gotten a haircut and I commented on it. He laughed at my "soup" and crackers and led me to the couch, where he had a freshly poured glass of wine waiting for me. We layed down together on the couch. I told him that I would do my best "not to act sad," but I asked him why he had lied to me.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, you said that you might have plans tonight and when I asked you about it, you said that you were staying home to work. Yet, here I find you just getting home at 5:00 am from a night of drinking. If you didn't want to help me out and spend some time with me tonight, you should have just said so. I never ask you for anything, but I didn't want to be alone tonight. And to get lied to? That just sucks. Don't you care that I'm having a hard time at all?"

He was pretty pissed off at my comment.

"Fuck off," he said. "I don't owe you an explanation for how I spend my time. And I told you, I didn't feel like dealing with you getting all emotional."

He got up to go into the bedroom.

"I'm going to sleep," he said. "You can just leave."

The only problem was that I couldn't leave. I had no money left after the cab ride and nothing in the ATM. The only thing I had for the morning was my metro-card, and there was no way I was about to ride the subway home drunk at 5:00 in the morning! I explained the situation to Narc.

"Well, I don't have any money on me either," he said. "Just about $2.00."

"What should I do?" I asked.

"Just sleep out here."

I was sitting on the floor of his living room in tears.

"You're going to make me sleep on the floor?"

"Whatever..." he said, "Sleep on the couch. I don't care." And with that, he went into his room.

I followed him.

"Please, can't I just stay in here with you?" I begged him. He ignored me, so I just got into the bed.

A few hours later (at 9:30) my cell phone alarm went off. I was disoriented and still a little drunk. I completely forgot where I was. I turned over and tried to snuggle next to Narc. He abruptly pushed me away. That moment for me, was complete pain. I don't know how else to describe it. I got up out of the bed, washed up and got dressed. I started to cry and called Hammer. I don't remember all of our conversation. I was dizzy and sad and overwhelmed and still feeling the alcohol in me.

"I just wanted a soft spot to fall," I told her. "Why couldn't he have just given me that for one night? I mean, my brother is fucking dying in the hospital and he won't let me have the slightest measure of comfort..."

I re-packed as quickly as I could, in tears. I took back the croissant that I had brought too. I fucking hate him! I sat at his computer table and composed a note. I don't remember what I wrote word for word, but it was something like this:

Narc,

I'm sorry that things are ending like this, but it's unambigously clear that you have absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. Over the past 8 months, I've developed pretty strong feelings for you and I've told you that. You don't seem to care at all about how I feel or how you hurt me. I don't know why you're so unhappy, but more than anything, I've wanted to make you happy. Obviously, I can't. And this just hurts way too much. I can't do it anymore, especially now. I just can't handle this kind of pain and I don't understand why you're treating me this way.

I love love love you, but it doesn't matter. I have to say goodbye.

Hyde

In retrospect, the note was kind of melodramatic, but it made my point. On my way out the door, I noticed my amethyst sitting near his wallet! I had lost that all the way back on February 6th (see my post "Hyde Triumphs, (Jekyll down for the count)") Narc must have had it all this time, and obviously carries it with him, if he left it near his wallet. Well, fuck that. I took it back. I left there a wreck, and had to shift my energy to my brother. I took the subway up to Penn Station and called B while waiting for the train. With an enormous coffee and bottle of water down the hatch, my drunkeness faded and I was in decent shape by the time my mom picked me up.

Saturday was a really rough day at the hospital. I spent ten hours there total. My brother looked a lot better than he had when I left on Thursday. He was opening his eyes a little and shifting his body around in discomfort. It's weird how these things become family social events. Every aunt, uncle, cousin and family friend came out of the woodwork. In a way, I think it's inappropriate since he's in the ICU. I mean, they should wait until he stabilizes. It's hard to spend so many hours there because there are so many grieving families. I guess if we had any news for the day, though, it was good news. My mom claims that when she spoke to him he turned his head towards her and opened his eyes, but we don't really know that he has any mental consciousness of anything... it's hard to say. But the important part is that his body is fighting very hard to heal itself. His blood pressure stabilized without the medication and he raised his arm a little. (Could be reflex though). We basically have to sit around and wait.

By Saturday night he had lived past the first 96 hours, which is the most critical part. If he were to die from immediate trauma from the accident, it most likely would have happened then. We just have to hope he gets through the next crucial period infection free. My stepfather stayed at the hospital overnight, and I went back to my mom's place with her and LilSis. BigSis and Bro-in-Law stayed over at his parents house. (They don't live far from my mom). I had a hard time falling asleep on Saturday night. My heart was aching so badly. I feel like Narc just cut it out of my chest. And while I'm slowly adjusting to the fact of my brother's condition, it's a fresh slap in the face every time I see him. They've cleaned up enough of the blood that you can see the staples in his head and the massive stiches across his face, and he just seems to be in so much pain. I wanted to talk to someone...anyone, but there's no privacy with so much family around, and nothing to say. Besides, I definitely couldn't let on about the Narc stuff to anyone in my family.

The next morning I drove my mom to pick up BigSis and the three of us headed to the hospital. (LilSis had gone earlier with clean clothes for my stepfather). The days pass so quickly there because one hour bleeds into the next. It's just a lot of sitting around. My stepfather seemed a little better on Sunday for the first time. LilSis bought him a book of crossword puzzles, and I did some of them with him to pass the time. My brother was moving around a lot more. His mom claims that she told him to take a deep breath and that he did it. If that's true, it's an amazing sign. It's hard to know, though, what is real and what we just want to believe. At around 4:00 the neurologist came around to do a report. My brother wouldn't do anything "amazing" for him, like follow an instruction to breathe or turn his head at someone's prompting. So on a scale of 3-15 (3 being a vegetable and 15 being functional), he scored a "4" only because he's been opening his eyes. The doctor told my mom that if she can get him to open his mouth or move his tounge on demand that he'll go up to a "7." Give my mom a job, and it'll be done if it's at all possible. We were all depressed from the diagnosis, but my mom pointed out that just because the doctor came by on Sunday at 4:00 pm doesn't mean that my brother is ready to follow those instructions on Sunday at 4:00. He does seem to be getting stronger, so we just have to give him the time he needs.

I got back to the city on Sunday night at around 7:00. B met me at my place and we got some pizza. I was just about on the verge of tears the whole time. There's so much emotional pressure on me right now. I feel like I'm being bombarded from all sides. And my heart just hurts so fucking much from this Narc thing that I feel like I can't breathe or eat or sleep. I felt bad unloading on B again, but I needed to talk to someone. He told me that Narc both loves me and hates me at the same time. B said that it's because he loves me that I've become the object of his hatred. I'm not sure that I understand or that it even matters. The bottom line is that it just hurts, and this weekend was an all-time new low. I mean, standing me up for the opera and fucking with my head like that last weekend was bad enough. Now my brother is in critical condition and I'm not up for the mind-games. I needed him and he screwed me and hurt me. I think I have to leave him. I mean, I want to leave him, but feel like I can't. I just have to get through Wednesday and then I'll be back at the hospital for Wednesday night and Thursday. Then I'll have to get over the hurtle of Friday night, but I'll be back at the hospital on Saturday. I just don't see how I can salvage anything for me and Narc after this, but at the same time, I don't really hate him yet...

Anyway, I fell asleep pretty early last night from sheer emotional exhaustion. Just finished teaching this morning and I have a voice lesson in a few hours. I can't wait to go home after that, shower and just have some quiet time. I feel like I'm going to explode. I just want my brother to be okay. I can't stand the picture of him in his hospital bed. I had a dream last night that I was visiting him and Narc was an orderly in the hospital. I didn't want my family to know that I knew him, so I was trying to avoid him, but I kept seeing him lurking nearby when I wanted to go visit my brother's room. It was stressful.

Well, I guess that's it for now. At least 24 is on tonight. That never fails to distract me from my reality. Thank God for Jack!

-Hyde

PS: Guess what! As I'm writing this, my cell phone just rang. It was the Stallion! He said that his mom is having some medical problems and that he'll probably be in New York next week for some time. The timing is so fucking weird, right? Stallion when I met Narc....Stallion when I lose him. Maybe it'll get my mind off things all together. Maybe it's not such a good idea though. He scares me a little in his own way...