Narc in the House!

Yay! Guess what? Narc is at my house right now! The first time since July... (in fact that was the only other time!).

Last night was so strange. I went with VJ to get her tattoo and to consult on a new one for me. We got to the tattoo place at 8:15 pm. I finally left there at 2:00 am with VJ still on the table getting inked. The tattoo artist has an amazing reputation (has inked all sorts of celebrities, etc) but was a real flake. Since we were there after-hours, she wasn't being all that efficient. Two of her friends came by, she kept taking smoking breaks, and the whole enterprise went WAY overtime.

At around 1:30 or so, Narc called me, but I was still with VJ. I totally didn't intend on meeting him because I was so fucking tired and had to wake up early this morning to do work. Can't work this afternoon because Anxious is coming over. (Lucky me...) Anyway, I told him I was busy. When I left VJ I cabbed back up to my place, but he called me a few more times and convinced me to catch a second wind. I met him in the West Village at Bar & Books. I hadn't had a thing to drink, so it was really strange for me. At first I felt so disconnected from him. My leg kept shaking up and down because I was really tense and nervous. He kept telling me to stop shaking. He asked me to stare him in the eye. I tried really hard to stop moving and to do what he asked.
Then he told me
"You've never been more beautiful to me than you are right now."
"Why is that?" I asked.
"Because you're still," he told me. "And I can finally see you. Without all of the crap and all of the baggage and all of the stuff that we both carry around. You're just beautiful when you're still."
I didn't know what to say. Not drunk enough to think of an appropriate reply... I told him that he makes me nervous and that I don't think he's good for me.
"Well," he said, "You're not exactly good for me either."
"Fair enough."
I suggested a toast to that.
"But I guess we're stuck with each other," he told me.
"At least for the time being," I answered.
He gave me a funny look.
He told me that he had been really depressed all day.
"Well," I answered, "I've been really depressed all week."
We talked a little bit about art and the creative process. He think's he's not productive enough. I gave him a big hug and told him not to hate himself and that I like him exactly how he is. (Sick, but true). I did say, though, that I hate when he disappears to write. He tried to make some excuse, but I know that he heard me. He told me that he doesn't understand why I keep coming when he calls. I said that "I don't know either..."

Later in the evening he told me that he's given a lot of thought to why we met each other. For what purpose did we come into each other's lives? I asked him what he came up with. His answer actually suprised me. He told me that he thinks that I'm exactly like him. He said that for both of us, our intellect is way ahead of our emotions and that he used to think no one in the world felt the kind of pain that he's had. But he said that he sees that pain in me and feels like he's not alone in the world. He said that it's strange because both of us manifest it so differently in our characters, but that he sees me and he sees the kind of real pain that I'm struggling with and he knows me because of it in a way that he can't really explain. I didn't know what to say.
I just feel like I love him more after tonight. (Okay B, you can stop wincing as you read this!) I just do though...

I hate myself a little though because I didn't make it through my week "off the sauce." I had five whiskeys last night, which for me is not a lot, but I still broke my resolution. I'm trying not to beat myself up for it though. The more I hate myself the more I'll be driven to give in and drink whenever I want. Narc kept wanting to make out and kiss me in the bar. I was nowhere near drunk enough for that. I told him that too...that I couldn't sleep with him until I had at least four drinks. I think that made him feel sad, but I told him that's what it would take to make me do what I want to do, but not what I should do. I think it made him sad because he doesn't want to be bad for me. He sees himself as a good person and doesn't want to wrong me, you know? To prove it, he offered to come back to my place instead of his. The whole world is fucking upside-down, inside-out! I mean, c'mon! Narc is sleeping in my bed right now?!?! Weird...

When the bar was almost closing, some guy came up and started flirting with me big time. His name was Michael Faulkner...some business man who lives out in Jersey. Narc and I were arguing about Wagner's politics. I was trying to explain my paper topic to him. I couldn't believe the balls on this guy to come up to me so brazenly and make that kind of pass when I was sitting right there with Narc. I kind of liked it though because I think it made him jealous and when the guy left he kissed me even harder.

When we got back to my place we drank a little more (almost emptied my bottle of Jack) and had a lot of fun a la Narc. I just saw that there's cat hair on his jacket though and I'm worried he'll be upset. I'm going to go try to find a lint brush and see if he wants to get up for brunch. Only two hours til Anxious arrives. Damn it!

All right, more later...