Hung up on the Christmas Tree and Singing for my Supper

Things have been up and down for the past few days. I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged, but I guess it' s only been since Tuesday. I think that the reason I haven't written sooner is because I decided not to recount my conflict with B. First of all it's too painful, second of all it would require giving way too much background on a very complicated relationship, and third of all, I know that he wouldn't appreciate my making his thoughts and feelings public.

In any event, B and I resolved at least some of it on Tuesday night when he stayed over. On Wednesday morning I got up early to teach. Upon opening my eyes, I was happy to see I had a text from Narc. He had gone out drinking the night before and wrote me a text around 1:30, just as he packed his friend into a cab (which apparently was "hilarious"). He wanted to know what I was up to. Shocking! I mean, I'd seen the guy Saturday night, all day Sunday, all day Monday and Tuesday morning and here was texting me on Tuesday night. Has Narc made a turn around??? I wrote back to him telling him that I had been asleep, but that it sounded like he had a fun night. I mentioned that my super had finally unclogged the shower drain. He wrote back later that evening,
Finally, a clean tub!
I can't believe he wrote me back in the same day yet again!

I don't know...even as I'm writing this and thinking about him, I feel nervous. I just have such a giant crush on him! It's maddening.

Anyway, teaching that morning, I had a voice lesson which went much better than Monday. My voice is still pretty heavy and a little sticky on the high notes though. From there I went to school to do some reading and to my research seminar. After catching up wth Hammer for a bit, I headed home. I was so tired and vegetated in front of the TV for a while, but before long, I began to develop the Hyde-itch. It's always the most difficult hour of the day for me. At around 10:00 I decided to go out. I hadn't even eaten dinner yet and wanted to say hi to IrishBird so I headed to Cheers. While nothing awful happened, I still have a measure of self-hatred for failing (yet again!) to keep my resolve not to drink.

The evening at Cheers was actually quite entertaining. Two red-faced silver-haired out-of-town businessmen were sitting next to me at the bar--One from Colorado and the other from D.C. When I finished my sandwich I ordered my "dessert," a Jack Daniels on the rocks. Colorado turned around.

"I'll get that for the lady," he said.

While they were both already pretty drunk and a definitely a little annoying, I accepted the drink and we started to chat for a bit. Ten minutes later I found myself with an empty glass and ordering another. They insisted on picking up that drink for me too.

"You better watch it," said D.C. "You look like a lightweight...better make sure you can hold your liquor."

I started to laugh. "I look like a lightweight? I don't think so." (I mean, not only am I not a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, but I don't look like a lightweight either, so it was a doubly irritating comment.)

IrishBird came over to the bar. I repeated the comment to her and she laughed. D.C. didn't like that we laughed at him.

"Fine, you're so sure you're not a lightweight, let's see who can drink more, I'll do you one for one."

He was on beer, I was on whiskey. He was already drunk and I had just begun. It was an offer I couldn't refuse. He and his challenge were both just so fucking annoying.

"Fine, let's do it."

Over the next hour I had three more whiskeys (all paid for) and he downed two more beers. When we were done, I was yet unphased while he was sloshed. He was embarassed, which I was glad for. The two of them left the bar shortly thereafter.

Cheers hasn't put in the new jukebox yet, so they were playing the radio which featured a barrage of cheesy '80s music. IrishBird and I were belting out harmonies and laughing. She danced up and down behind the bar. At one point the theme from Top Gun came on leading me to daydream about Narc and the snowy weekend I saw the film at his house. I decided to text him:

Are you out tonight, or home being productive? I'm out & have had a few. Trying to decide whether to go home or not. (Top Gun theme on radio makes me think of u!)

That was around midnight. An hour or so later the bar started to empty out. An old-timer named Bob sat down at the end of the bar. While I had never spoken to him, he has always tipped his hat to me and I have always offered a nod or a wave, as we're both regulars. I decided to break the "fourth wall" and finally say hello. Around 1:30, PumpedUp gave notice for last call. I told him that it was too early and he teased me. I told him that I had brought Narc by on Monday night and we hung out with BarMan. He called me "sneaky." I wasn't tired yet so I decided to head to Manchester. When I got there, Maeve was tending bar.

"Up to no good tonight?" she asked me.

"Um, well, hopefully not..." I pulled up a stool at the bar.

"So who was the guy you were in here with on Sunday?" she asked. "You guys looked pretty close!"

I was surprised. I didn't even remember seeing Maeve on Sunday, but she told me we had conversed. She said that I had been fighting with Narc, but that we made up and that she had made us those delicious White Russians. (Now those I remember! She makes them with Creme de Cacao instead of Kahlua). I asked her what she thought of Narc.

"He seemed alright," she said.

A man named David sitting to my right turned to join the conversation.

"Who is this guy you're talking about?" he asked.

I started trying to tell the Narc story. It's so convoluded though that it was a difficult task to take up while drunk. My new friend was really quite interested and invested in the story. He told me passionately that Narc sounds "like a jackass" and that I shouldn't see him anymore. I tried to explain that things sound worse than they are. Narc isn't all that bad and the more time I spend with him, the deeper my "crush" grows. David said that I only think I love him, but I can't really and that it must all stem from a low self-esteem. Wow, did he get hung up on that idea! Not only did he decide I was cursed with low self-esteem, but he seemed to take it upon himself to convince me of my personal worth. We were both wasted and he leaned into me assuring me that "any man" would want to be with me and "any man" would treat me better. We kept talking in circles, but I didn't mind the attention. At some point though, things started to go a bit too far. He grabbed my hands as if I would fall into the pits of relationship-hell unless he could convince me of the validity of his arguments. Then he started to kiss me. If I weren't so drunk I would have jumped up right away. I did push him off of me, but not at the very first moment. Ughh... Now I feel gross about that. Thankfully later, I had an excuse to get up--a text from Narc. He wrote:

Just got text, on my way home now. Still out?

It was about 3:30 am. I jumped up and ran outside the bar to call him back. Yay!

"Yes! I want to come down and see you. I just have to end this conversation and get rid of this guy," I told him.

"I don't want to know about the guy," he said. "Just hurry up."

I told Narc that I couldn't sleep with him though, and I asked if he wanted to see me anyway.

"Of course." he said. ("Yay!" again. Things do finally feel a bit different between us.)

I went back in the bar to gather my things. David insisted that I not go to see Narc.

"Yeah, yeah... I'm going," I said, heading for the door.

David followed me into the street grabbing my arm and kissing me again. This time I pulled away fast and hard. (I had Narc on the mind).

"I really have to get a cab," I said, stumbling over to the curb. Thankfully a taxi came quickly and I was off.

I don't remember much about being at Narc's except for drinking beer with him, smoking Dunhills, and wishing he were as drunk as I was. I remember feeling a little embarassed that I was drunk and nervous that he wouldn't like me anymore. (As if he hasn't seen worse... Hell, as if I haven't seen worse from him!) Anyway, soon enough we crashed to sleep.

I had to wake up early the next day to do a phone-appointment with my therapist who's currently in Switzerland. I overslept by 20 minutes. It was akward to talk to her from Narc's living room. Thank God he sleeps like a rock, so I'm sure he overheard nothing. Therapy was really rough... a lot of stuff I don't want to go into, but it left me shaken up and in tears. I went back into Narc's room and lay down next to him, crying quietly. In attempt to keep my crying super silent, my body began to shake.

"Stop moving so much!" he said. "I can't sleep."

Now there's the Narc I know and love... Not a word about my tears.

"I guess I should go," I said, getting up out of the bed and pulling on my jeans. "I'll see you on Saturday."

"Okay."

I kissed him goodbye, scooped up the umbrellas I had left behind on Valentine's Day, and took off.

I was totally hungover (well actually still a little drunk), feeling depressed, hungry, and not in the mood to do any work. I called Hammer and arranged to stop by her place. We hung out for a while. She made me some quesadillas and I drank three glasses of grapefruit juice which made me sugar-crash. We talked for a long time about emotional stuff and listened to music while she cleaned her house. (Hammer--you're such a good cleaner!) At one point, she challenged me to a week without drugs (including the caffeine pills I occasionally pop) or alcohol. As part of the deal I'll have to stick to my food plan to get my glucose levels back in line and I'll also have to stay on my insulin medication. (I'm so bad about remembering to take my meds!) I agreed to the challenge. I mean, who knows what will happen. Maybe I'll have all sorts of brilliant insights and the world will become clear. We agreed to make it for Sunday to Sunday. (After all, I've got a party on Saturday night--it's no time to start a week long challenge like that!). If I win, we're going on a trip to MOMA. Finally, we took off and I headed home.

Thankful to be home, I showered and watched Dr. Phil. Unfortunately, I got absolutely no work done yesterday and feel rather lousy about that. In any event, I had plans to meet Bezukhoff for dinner at 6:30. We met at Uncle Vanya's on the West Side. I hadn't seen him in a while, so it was good to be able to catch up. I had some very yummy borscht and pelmeni, but started to sugar crash again from all the carbs. Bezukhoff kindly treated me to the entire meal--it was very sweet. He told me that in exchange, I could put on a little concert for him. We both laughed at the idea of "singing for my supper."

It started to snow while we were on the way back to my place. We passed a bakery that smelled really good and Bezukhoff (very unecessarily) bought me tea and a cookie. (I mean, I wanted the cookie, but he was super nice to treat me to it). Back at my place I sang song after song. I must have sung 10 arias plus a few Broadway songs and at least one torch song. He said that he loved the concert and I loved having an appreciative audience. Yay! I was in a good mood and wanted to stay in and watch a movie. For laughs, we decided to watch Brando in The Wild One. I love Brando in that movie (mmm...that insolence!) and the whole thing always makes me roll with laughter (the fabulous slang..."we were hung up on the Christmas tree!" as a euphemism for being drunk). Bezukoff also thought the whole thing was quite funny.

Anyway, today was my teaching marathon day and it left me wiped with exhaustion yet again. Narc and I are going to see La Boheme tomorrow--our very first date! As I was writing this, he just called me to confirm. I just hung up the phone and my heart is pounding in my chest. I'm really nervous about it. It's so stupid to still feel so fluttery. I mean, I've known him a while--we've been on this "crazy ride" for seven months now, and I still feel butterflies about the whole thing?!? Whatever... I just hope he has a good time, and I hope he likes me, and I hope I can come up with clever things to say. Ughhh... I hate myself for caring so much!!!

Anyway, I'll definitely let you all know how it goes.

Until then!

-Hyde