Trust

Thoughts of the day:

1.) My dad would have been 64 today, had he not died at the age of 48. It makes me sad.

2.) I need to stop testing the world and everything in it. I need to stop testing Narc, to stop testing myself, to stop testing the limits of my body.

On Tuesday night (at the start of what turned out to be a big fucking mess of a night), I was having drinks with Hammer and came to such a realization. I make things so much more difficult than they have to be. I overanalyze everything and imbue the meaningless with meaning that is more often than not, the product of my overactive imagination coupled with fear.

That said, I can not believe what I did to myself, to my body, on Tuesday night. I found a matchbook in my coat pocket this morning from a bar called Sutton Place. I have absolutely NO recollection of having been there. I also found some stranger's email address that I texted to myself. No clue what that's about. It was a pretty major blackout. I don't remember anything from about 2:00 am-6:00 am. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I tried to take good care of myself yesterday, though. I stayed in bed for most of the day and made my favorite comfort food-- spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. You can't imagine how pleasantly surprised I was to get Narc's text at about 7:30. What's up? he wrote. I have no idea what's happening between me and Narc anymore. Anyone who's been reading my blog for any length of time has seen us circle around each other over and over and over and I'm always confused and disoriented with him. But things really do feel different.

When's the last time he called me in the middle of the night and cursed and called me names when I wouldn't come see him? It used to be a regular occurrance, but it hasn't happened in a long time. I've spent four nights with him this week and two last week. It's been intense but in a more "normal" way. I feel like, for the first time, we are friends. I feel like things are more mundane. The drama, the wild sex, it's all becoming much more natural, more routine, more "relationship-y." I want to say that I don't know what to think, but I think that thinking too much gets me into trouble. I need to just trust. I'm not saying that I should trust Narc with abandon or put all my eggs into one basket. I'm just saying that for this moment, this week, things are okay, so I should be okay with that.

Last night I met him at the Sun Cafe, a Japanese place a few blocks from his apartment in Tribeca. He bought me a yummy sushi roll. (It was called a "Tiger Eye"-- smoked salmon and scallion wrapped in squid.) We talked about his night out with friends the previous night. CouchSleeper is an actor and Narc went to see his play. We talked about a photo shoot he just finished, some books, about my crazy night out, my teaching stuff, and some more personal issues having to do with my mom, with my therapy, etc.

I was really tired, (as my head had never even hit the pillow the night before) but Narc wanted to head back to the Patriot. I wanted to make him happy (I love to make him happy), so I didn't protest. He ordered us up some rounds of jack, and I swear-- after two drinks I was energized, feeling amazing, all lit up. I fucking hate that. It's magic juice, and I told Narc as much. I know if anyone understands what I mean, he does.

We ended up having a great time. I made friends with the bartender (who was clad only in a tiger-print bra and low slung jeans) and she told Narc he was "stylin'" in his velvet blazer. I think he liked that. It was cute. I ended up going on for a while about my dad, as he's on my mind because of the birthday. Narc was looking at me in a way that I know he loves me. Later we were talking about "random hookups," and I told him the story of how I got together with B. Somehow later, we got on the subject of "craziness," and he told me he thinks I'm crazy. Well, he didn't say it like that. It's sort of an inside joke-- the first time I met Narc and we were having sex and he was "poised to enter," the exact moment before he started, I told him-- "just warning you, I'm crazy!" He later said he thought that was so amusing and it intrigued him.

"Yeah, you weren't kidding," he said last night.

"Whatever. Everyone's crazy in NY," I said. "You're fucking crazy too!"

"Why?" he asked, "Because I talk to dead people?"

"Narc, that stuff is the least crazy part of you."

"I'm not crazy," he insisted. "Just a searcher."

"It's not the searching that's crazy," I said. "It's your orientation."

I don't think he knew how to respond.

Later, we were talking about beds (because he just bought some new Versace pillow for his bed), and I told him how much I love sleeping with him, and how I always sleep better with him and feel safe. I think he liked that.

We didn't stay for that many drinks, (about 5 for me, about 8 for him), and so we headed back to his place just after midnight. I took a shower while he watched Conan and ate tapioca pudding. (I should add, Narc is about to start some $7,000 course at The Institute for Integrative Nutrition. Strange, right?)

Anyway, I guess that's it for the moment. Like I said before, I'm not sure what to make of everything, so I'm going to try not to make anything of it.

Oh, and by the way-- I think I'm done with cocaine for a while. I don't want to feel the way I felt yesterday. I was planning on buying some for my birthday weekend, but now I don't think I will. It just gets old. And I want to feel better.

Off to go teach about the Reformation!

-h-