Midweek-Midway

I'm feeling more grounded today. Yesterday was a majorly introspective day. It left me feeling a little raw and vulnerable, but I know that I need to just learn to accept some things. I guess that's hard for me. I can be such a fighter. Anyway, I guess I'll catch you guys up on the past two days.

The first half of Wednesday was pretty hellish. I was running on only about an hour and a half of sleep. But like I said--I started to feel better after my teaching. Also, I really need to stop beating myself up for things. So I tried to just "reframe" things in my head and start from scratch. (Remember--Choices, Hyde! Choices!) I survived my voice lesson (rather weakly) and my trip to the doctor. (My sugars are okay, but I have an "elevated liver enzyme" which could mean nothing, but it's giving me the creeps in light of all my drinking). Anyway, after that, I headed home to crash. I picked up a sandwich and flicked on "Dr. Phil." Bezoukhoff called to tell me that he was in the neighborhood. We had plans to get together. I told him to come by my place and that we could figure out what we wanted to do from there. (This was about 3:00 pm).

As it turns out, we ended up doing nothing but hanging out at my apartment all afternoon, but really--it was exactly what I needed. I had such a good time! One thing's for sure--I didn't want to hang out with the Stallion even though I had majorly led him on the night before. I just need a fucking break from drama. He called me three times or so that afternoon, but I never picked up the phone. Then I just sent him a text:

Hey, got your message. I'm just totally wiped out. As you know, I got NO sleep. So tonight's not really good. Maybe some other time??? :)

He called back and left a really nice message saying how he understood how tired I must be and that he hopes that I feel better. Good. So all is civil and he seems to respect me. (At least somewhat, right?)

Anyway, Bezoukoff was showing me pictures of his hometown (Moscow) on the internet. Someone (for some strange reason) photographed every building in the residential neighborhood where he grew up and had it posted on the web. Afterwards, I showed him some of my childhood pictures too. It was fun. Then we got even deeper into the photo thing and I showed him my entire St. Petersburg trip ('98) and photos from Summer '02 that I spent in London with a brief visit to Paris and Memphis at the end. (For the 25th anniversary of Elvis' death, of course!)

Later, Bezoukhoff took it upon himself to share with me what he calls the "Russian Jack Bauer." Well, you know me--I just can't seem to get enough of those ultra-intense manly government agents out to save the world! Apparently, this Soviet fellow (named Schtrilitz) is a big pop-culture figure from a Soviet TV series done in the '70s. He's a Soviet government worker who goes to Nazi Germany as a spy. There, he infiltrates the SS, posing as a Nazi spy. By the way--he's also fiercly loyal to the wife back home. What a man! I've pictured him below.



Schtirlitz

Speaking of "ideal" men, at some point the conversation turned to Elvis. I showed Bezoukhoff exerpts from "That's the Way it Is" and "the Comeback Special." (Oh, by the way, Hammer--I don't want to forget to tell you--Bezoukoff thinks he spotted the moment when Elvis comes in his pants. Remind me--it's during the sitdown sessions). I especially enjoyed the "If I Can Dream" sequence. (Yay!)

After that, I played a little piano. Now, I have to say-- I am not a pianist, but I clunked my way through two Beethoven Sonatas. Bezoukhoff seemed very appreciative of the performance. (In fact, so much so, that I suspect his compliments to have been given out of kindness alone). After that, I played him a few pieces that I wrote--starting with my "Neva" composition. I told him about my high-school dreams of being an historian/opera composer/costume (and makeup) designer/opera singer-performer. I whipped out some of that really old stuff I had done for my what was to be my "master opus"--an opera on the Russian Revolution. Shit. I wrote that stuff 10 years ago already! (Where does all the time go, Hyde? Where?) Bezoukhoff seemed really excited about the project. He wants to collaborate with me on it. I don't know if I can actually revive it. It was such an enormous part of such a different me. In any case, he had all sorts of ideas about where we can go with it. Frankly, I don't think I'm enough of a composer, but I certainly have ideas. I told him that I had gone as far as to write a whole play my senior year of high-school. I even did some lighting design and painted a poster for the play. I took out my portfolio of old paintings to show him and found the poster.

"How many more secret talents do you have, Hyde?" he asked.

It was nice to be appreciated. I pulled out some of my old sketch books and he looked through them. Something he said stuck with me though--He asked if the guys with whom I "spend time" (ie Narc and the Stallion) know anything about my talents and interests--that I play piano, sing, paint, draw, write, etc.

"Not really," I said. "Pretty much, they don't know me at all."

"That's what I thought," he said.

It made me think. Not so much about their shortcomings (and the fact that they're dismally uninterested in who I am as a person), but moreso about how I manage to keep so much of myself hidden away. In fact, it's never really occurred to me that anyone would be interested in that stuff. I just figure that men don't really care about that--about who I really am. I've never thought about sharing my inner-inner life. And I guess, in some ways, it's how I manage to put up with all of this shit from guys. It's not like being "discardable" by Narc (and the Stallion) doesn't hurt me... it does. But it never gets to me as much as it should, I think because I've never really shown myself to them. The person that they are demeaning isn't the "truest" me. It's just some "fun" girl. I don't know. I feel like my thoughts are getting muddled and I'm getting into things I don't want to blog about. Back to my story...

Bezoukhoff and I ordered in some Chinese food and decided to watch a movie. I wanted to watch Dracula (inspired by my cell phone ring), but I couldn't find my copy. (My house is such a fucking mess!) So instead, we watched The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari which I ordered on Netflix a while ago, but never got around to watching. It's a German Expressionist film made in 1919. Real creepy stuff, but in a way that I love. I was so exhausted from my meager sleep the night before that I drifted off during the movie. (It was probably around 11:00 pm). Bezoukhoff woke me when it was over and he headed home.

Thursday morning I slept in a bit. I wasted a good chunk of the morning watching stupid talk shows (like Maury and Montel). Then I did a few lines. (Why? I really don't know.) I didn't do too many though--not even enough for a come down. I had German class at 3:00 pm and hadn't done my homework, so I headed out to get lunch and do catch up on all of that. After German, I bought a pair of earrings and two rings really cheaply from a street vendor down by NYU. One of the rings and the earrings are shaped like snakes. Very cool. I said goodbye to Hammer because she's heading home to Phoenix for our spring break week.

I had to dash off to therapy and was running late. It was really a provocative session. I don't know... Too complicated to go into here, I think. After therapy, I walked home listening to my "Elvis in Memphis" CD. I stopped into Manchester and had a Jameson on the rocks. (Again-- Why? I don't know.) I only had one and then left. I was in a really strange mood. I went to pick up some Chinese for dinner. B called me on the phone and we talked for a while. Then I went home, watched Seinfeld and ate my dinner. I checked my email and got a slightly upsetting email from Anxious. (More on that later.) What to do next? I don't know... I did a few more lines. (Well, more like 8...) I watched "Law & Order" and then half an episode of "SVU" and started to feel a bit of a come-down. Shit! I panicked a bit (hate being alone for that), calmed myself down, and went to Cheers.

No matter what I did, though, I couldn't seem to shake my strange and pensive mood. I sat alone at Cheers for a while, sipping white wine while I journaled. (I know, kind of unbelievable, right? I have this insanely long blog AND I keep a hand-written journal regularly.) BarMan came by and gave me a pat on the shoulder. Last Saturday I had sent him a text:

Heard you're out sick. Feel better! Let me know if there's anything I can do!

"Thanks for the message, Hyde. It was really sweet of you."

"Oh, no problem. Are you feeling okay?" etc.

After a bit, NextDoorNeighbor popped in on his way home from the gym. "Hey Hyde! I thought I'd find you here!" I told him to pull up a chair. We ended up talking for quiet some time. It was a pretty intense discussion, I guess. After a while, he left. I saw OldTimer standing at the bar and went over to say hello. We had a funny conversation. He told me that if any guy ever tries "to get fresh with me" and gets too close, that I should just tell him to "leave some room for the Holy Ghost!" I can't wait for an opportunity to use that line!

Later, Anxious called me. Primarily she wanted to tell me how things went with her Spanish professor. She said that he told her that he was "so attracted to her" that he "couldn't resist her."

"Well, if you're not interested, he has to resist you," I said. "Otherwise that's sexual harassment."

She said he tried to kiss her again.

"You shouldn't have let that happen," I said. "Just write him a really cold and professional email and then don't see him outside of class."

"But I would like to be friends," she said. "Ughh...this always happens when I try to be friends with men. They always want something more."

"I don't know what to tell you," I said. "If you're that irresistable, maybe you just need to give up on the idea of his friendship. I would put a stop to it now though."

Later, she said that she was worried I was mad at her about the whole incident on Tuesday night in which she led Hammer to believe that I have a crush on Prof PP.

"I'm not mad at you, Anxious. I was just annoyed at the situation."

"I don't understand what the big deal is," she said.

"There is no big deal."

"If it's not true about Prof PP and I mixed things up, then Hammer should have just dropped it and left you alone," she said. "That's not very social behavior on her part, you know."

Whatever... I didn't feel like having this conversation. Especially if she was going to tell me my friends are "asocial."

"It's not about that," I said.

Then she implied that I have some major problem with relationships.

"You know, Hyde," she said. "This is the second time that I've walked into some situation and said or done something that has made you feel akward. I just can't keep track of your strange competitive power-struggle relationships with your friends."

"What are you talking about?!?!"

"Well, that thing between you and Narc-- it was all about a power struggle. You wanted to be in control, and when he flirted with me and masturbated in front of me, it gave him control and you felt foolish. But how was I to know that it was all about weird power-games between the two of you?"

"I wasn't playing a game with Narc. I didn't want to be in control," I said. "I only didn't want to be humiliated. There's a big difference. I mean, all I wanted was to maintain a modicum of human dignity. Not to be a control freak. What does that have to do with this anyway?"

"Well, why would you care what Hammer thought unless you're competitive with her too?"

"I wasn't 'competitive' with Narc and I'm not competitive with Hammer."

"Well, like I said... I just think that it's weird that I walked into some weird situation of yours twice. I just don't know how I keep stumbling into your bizarre relationship dynamics."

"That doesn't happen with my other friends," I told her. "Maybe the problem is with you, not with me."

To make matters worse, I was annoyed at something else Anxious did. I had to bring it up to her. Like I mentioned earlier, she had just sent me an email--an "apology" email about the whole Prof PP thing. Nice enough, but two things in her email really bothered me. First of all, I had been pretty open with her about having issues with anger--being able to get appropriately angry at people like Narc, not wanting to be a push-over, etc. In her email she said:

I think getting in touch with your anger and all is just great, but I sure hope it's not going to be directed at me on a regular basis.

It really upset me because I feel like she took something I told her in a sensitive moment and threw it back at me at her own convenience--just to exonerate herself and to make my feelings and reactions seem irrational--just a part of my "emotional problems." Secondly, she said the following:

You know I am good at keeping secrets and have the common sense to be discreet about obviously sensitive things -- "INCIDENT X," liaisons of various kinds, the Narcissist encounter, etc.

The only thing is, Anxious didn't write "Incident X." She spelled out an incident that is SO insanely sensitive that I can't even say it outloud (let alone in writing). I only told her after knowing her for 9 years and even then, only because I was drunk. I was furious that she would drop it into casual conversation and I felt completely knocked off guard and really very unsettled. I think it's one of the reasons that I ended up "re-medicating" and heading out to Cheers.

I told Anxious that I didn't ever want her to mention it again and that it is NOT fair game to be used in a stupid email argument to prove her loyalty.

"Well, maybe you should just let some of that go, Hyde. Who cares about your secrets, you know?"

"It's not about secrets," I said. "It's about the way I cope. I compartmentalize, and I can't be caught off guard like that. I wasn't expecting you to say that."

"Well, I don't know how you can stay so compartmentalized. That just seems like such an unhappy way to me."

This conversation was much longer than I care to detail right now. The bottom line--by the end of it, I felt like I was on the verge of tears. It's just none of her fucking business how I handle my emotions. She really knows very little about my internal life, and I don't have to justify it to her.

"Okay, Anxious. Well, I'm not mad at you. But I'm tired of drama right now. I've gotta go."

"Okay! Good night!" After hanging up with Anxious, I moved over to the bar. BarMan was there with a girl. I later found out it was a quasi-date. It really surprised me because she's not what I would have expected. Up until now, I've only seen him with girls in their 20's who are kind of athletic/pony-tail/girl next-door types. This woman looked significantly older (maybe 35, whereas BarMan is 28), and she wasn't the cute-sporty type at all. She had wild curly hair and dark lipstick and I didn't think she was all that attractive. (But maybe I'm being too picky on his behalf because of my crush on him.) BarMan introducted me to her as "his friend." I thought that was nice. She was really weird though. He got up and left for a minute and she told me that someone was writing a book about her.

"Oh, really?" I asked. "What do you do?"

"Well, I'm a publicist. But he's not writing it about what I do. He's writing it about my mind."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, this guy I met--he thinks I have just a fascinating mind and he wants to write a study on me."

"Oh. Well, is he writing it already?"

"No, he hasn't started."

(Tell me that's not weird, you know?)

She left the bar around 12:15 am because she said she was getting tired. Just a half hour later or so, she sent BarMan a few texts. He showed them to me and to IrishBird. I think she annoyed him a little. She basically invited him over in the first one (he was technically working, so he couldn't leave), and in the second one she was trying to be all sexy and told him that she was "in a bubble bath." I wanted to crack up, but I bit my lip not to. I didn't want to embarass him.

After that, BarMan busted out a crossword puzzle. Not much else was going on, so I decided I wanted to help him. Of course, I was loving it, because it meant that I had to pull up my chair next to his and lean over him to see the page. We were sitting so close that our shoulders kept touching, and of course, my crush was raging. I was getting a lot of the clues and IrishBird was quiet impressed.

"I can't believe it, Hyde! I would be on my back if I'd had nearly as much to drink as you!"

"Yeah, but it's only wine, IrishBird. Don't forget--I'm used to whiskey."

BarMan told me that if I'm trying to switch to wine, I should try some Pinot Noir.

The crossword was in the NY Post. When he flipped the page and there was an article in there about "Drunk-Texting." I thought it was funny because Hammer had just emailed me that article that afternoon. BarMan said that he had drunk texted a few times.

"A few times?" I said. "I'm an expert at drunk texting. Just ask Narc."

Grr... Now I was thinking of Narc again. After a while, no one was left there except for me, IrishBird and BarMan. I gave them each a hug goodbye and headed home. It was around 1:45.

When I got home, I had some serious Narc cravings. I was still kind of wired from my earlier indulgences. Also, I was still feeling really emotionally strange. I read my email and checked out the blogs and then tried to get myself to bed. I really wanted to call Narc though...or the Stallion... or someone! I hate being a "good girl" sometimes. I hadn't even looked for an "all-night" distraction, and then when I got home, I kind of regretted it. I just had to remind myself that I would feel good about my choice in the morning. Especially since the alarm was set for 7:00 and I had lost almost a full night of sleep this week already.

Today I taught all day. Just got through a little while ago. More "Rise of Fascism" and "WWII." Dramatic stuff. Tonight I'm supposed to hang out with NextDoorNeighbor and his friend who's in from out of town.

Hope you all have a good weekend!

-Hyde