Looking Up

I'm in a good mood today.

Yesterday was a much better day than I ever would have anticipated given that it started out with the Narc phone call. All in all, I think that phone call was a very good thing.

Here's why:

1.) First of all, I don't feel as rejected by Narc as I did when he told me he was "getting into shape," "off alcohol," and "seeing someone else." In fact, it's pretty clear that he's still thinking of me, and even if I shouldn't care, I do.

2.) Second of all, it is starting to hit me that he really is a crazy motherfucker. I just don't need to deal with that.

3.) Third of all, it also made me realize what role I play in all this. I need to take responsibility for letting him treat me that way. I mean, he never would have dared to speak to me like that back in July when I met him. He has gotten more and more bold with his demands and more and more vicious with his attacks. I know it would never have gotten this blatent if I hadn't tolerated it when he first started up like that (which was probably back around late November, early December--in fact right around the time I told him that I love him). The point is-- I guess I'm starting to see how my "infinite patience" with him doesn't help the situation. Instead, it just gives him more license to act like an infantile bully. My patience with him gives him no incentive to change his ways (not that I think he even wants to or that he can).

Anyway, yesterday's therapy went well. (In one word, it was "necessary.") After that, I headed to school to work on a short paper due at 2:00. I only had two hours to write it and worked like a maniac. In the middle of my session, the computer crashed and I lost about 20 minutes worth of work. I was pretty upset. However, despite the unfortunate malfunctioning computer, I managed to get the paper done just in time. Hammer met me in the department lounge to go hear Prof. PP give a talk on the "Goldhagen Debate." We normally have class on Tuesdays at 2:00, so a bunch of people from our class gathered to go to the talk together. We couldn't find the room and wandered in about 10 minutes late. The funny part was when during Prof. PP's "coup de theatre" (his screening of Goldhagen on CSPAN defending his book to a German audience), an old woman started fiddling with the projector to turn up the volume and Prof PP had to admonish her not to "touch the buttons."

Ha Ha!

After the talk, our regular class met (although briefly) and we got out of there around 4:15. I was absolutely starving because I hadn't eaten anything all day. (I tend to eat food that's crappy for me, or I forget to eat at all. More Hyde "all or nothingness") Hammer and I went for Korean BBQ before walking over to the movie theater in my neighborhood. We went to see the new Woody Alan movie "Melinda and Melinda." I didn't love it. I didn't relate to any of the characters and didn't particulary sympathize with them either. Hammer was so tired that she fell asleep for a few minutes in the middle of the movie

After the movie, we parted ways. Hammer had remembered that she left her bird out of his cage. She had to run home to find poor Jimmy in hopes that he hadn't yet been too traumatized by the situation. (I later heard from her that Jimmy was safe and sound. Yay!) I set off for my place, but never quite made it home. (What did you expect?) Yup-- I stopped off at Cheers.

It's all good though, because I was well behaved, once again, and only ordered diet cokes. I was sitting next to a young guy who struck a conversation with me. Soon enough, he offered to buy me a drink, so I switched to jack and diet. You guys would be proud of me though--I was there from around 8:00-1:00 am-ish (around five hours) and only had four jack and diets, two glasses of wine and three shots of Jager. It might sound like a lot, but don't forget that I've built up quite a tolerance. So I wasn't wasted as usual. I didn't do anything foolish, didn't black out and didn't drunk-dial Narc. Yay!

Anyway, the guy sitting next to me got into some existential conversation with me. He was really interested in my music stuff and wanted to know how I chose my career path and what kind of balance I was striking between doing music and doing history. He said that he's been at his job for six years and wants to leave to do something great with his career, but that he didn't know what.

"So you're really professionally ambitious?" I asked.

"Isn't everyone?"

"Well, to some extent, but my career has never been one of my major life's goals," I told him. "I'm just not oriented that way."

I asked him what his primary goals were.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, what are the basics you want to accomplish before you die? Not actual specifics, but in general?"

"I don't know... What are yours?"

"Well, I guess I have three. For one, I definitely want to have kids--no question about that. Um, for the second, I'm not sure how to put it... I guess it just that I I want to live up to what my parents have invested in me and I want to live up to the fortune that I've had in life. I mean, I've had so much love and finances invested in developing my mind, talents and character, that I have to do something with it. You know? Also, I've had social and educational opportunities that many people never have and I feel responsible not to completely take it for granted."

He told me that he completely understands and agrees.

"Finally," I said, "I want to find someone to love--a mutal thing, but someone who I can help to grow and heal and nurture with my love."

(I don't know if it quite works like that, but it is a crucial part of the way I look at the world.-- hence, why Narc makes me more sad than angry.)

Anyway, maybe it was the alcohol talking, but he acted like he was "blown away" by my response.

"That's gorgeous. That's gorgeous!" He said. "Never change. Never let anything change you, okay?"

Um....okay.

Anyway, we talked for a lot longer. At one point, a group of guys came and sat next to me. My conversation partner said something that made me think he was jealous that either I looked at them or they looked at me or something. He must be a really jealous guy in relationships if I felt it and I don't even know him. By the end of the evening, he was really drunk and started trying to put his arm around me and lean into me and kiss my hair. It was weird, but not so crazy agressive that it bothered me too much. If I leaned away a little, he realized that he was being inappropriate and backed off. The bottom line, though--he became a lot less attractive the more he drank. (Lesson learned a la Sunshine?) That said, he was good company for the evening.

Before he left the bar, IrishBird begged me to sing something for the crowd. I ran home and got my CDs and ended up singing a few arias again. Looks like this is become a weekly thing! I only wish I had the chance to sing for them sober. It would be so much better! Eventually the crowd thinned out even more and I was the only one left. IrishBird and PumpedUp asked if I had heard from Narc. I told them about the previous night's phonecall.

"So, what? Is Narc the choker?" PumpedUp asked.

I was so fucking embarassed. My jaw dropped.

"How do you know about that?" I said.

"Well, you came in here with those marks, Hyde," IrishBird said. "Everyone could see them."

"Oh." I blushed. (Shouldn't some things just go unmentioned?) "Well, the Stallion's 'the choker,' not Narc."

"No, Narc's just a 'puncher,'" PumpedUp said.

"He's not! I don't want to go over that again."

"Well stay away from them both," IrishBird told me. "That Stallion--he's an animal!" (She's really upset at him both for the grudge-sex thing and also that he told me not to hang out at Cheers anymore.)

I took the conversation as a clear sign that it was time to head home before things got any more embarassing. I walked them out of the bar as they closed up.

This morning when I woke up, I was a little drunk still, but it wasn't bad. It faded fast. Today I got to teach the Russian Revolution. I love doing that class. In a few minutes I've got to head to my voice lesson.

Anyway, the weather is beautiful today and it's all contributing to my general good mood.

The bottom line:
"'History,' Stephen said, 'is a nightmare from which I'm trying to awake.'"
-James Joyce

-hyde-
(who's now running late due to her obsessive blogging)