The Fuck-Up

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I'm such a loser. Why do I continually fuck up? Ughh! Arghh! And everything else of the sort. I was doing so well for a while there... Now I'm literally on only 2 hours of sleep and I feel like living hell. This is so fucking miserable! Headache-galore!

Ok. Here's the story:

Well, let's back-track to Monday first. Hammer and I went to that talk out at Rutgers. Very interesting. It was about the legalization of cremation in Victorian England and the separation of memory and mourning from space/place. They had all sorts of hors d'oeuvres afterwards too. And wine! Classy. It was an adventure. Then I was back home to watch 24 with B. I love Monday nights. It was so cozy and wonderful. (Plus President Palmer's coming back to the show!) It was perfect!

Yesterday I had therapy in the morning. Then it was off to the library to spit out a paper that was due at 2:00. I was about 10 minutes late with that one. I thought I might get to hang out with GoldenFinch, but it didn't pan out. She ended up not coming into the city. In any case, I was in heaven during class because we got to talk about Brando and Elvis! (In a post-war German context).

At some point during that 2:00-4:00 class Anxious sent me a text. She said that she had to meet with me before Thursday and that it was very urgent. I texted her back that I could meet her for dinner. (Her new job is not all that far from where I live.)

I left school at around 5:15 and headed to Cheers. Basically, I was there from 5:30 until they closed up at around 3:00 am. That's a fucking long time--10 hours!!! (Well, I guess there was a small break in between.) Anyway, I got there before Anxious and started drinking. By the time she got there, I was on whiskey #3. What was her dilemma? That her married Spanish professor kissed her, but she doesn't want an affair--she needs him for a reference. I offered up some Hyde-wisdom while we ate bar food and drank some more. She told me that she's basically living with BulgarianGuy right now. Weird! He was working at the restaurant across the street, so I suggested we go drink over there to visit him. She wouldn't go without fixing her hair first, so I gave her the keys to my apartment so she could go beautify. NextDoorNeighbor popped in on his way home from the gym. He wants to hang out with me on Friday night, but I'm not sure what my plans are yet.

While Anxious was at my place, I bumped into OldTimer. He said he thought I was "mad at him." I can't imagine why. I mean, that guy never even crosses my mind. It just goes to show that you never know what people are thinking. I blew him a kiss and reassured him. Eventually Anxious came back and we headed across the street. We had fun teasing BulgarianGuy. The owner of the restaurant laughed because he's seen me in Cheers a million times, but never on "his side of the street." I drank a lot more. Anxious and I tried some really disgusting Blackberry Brandy. Then she ended up drinking some sweet green thing that looked like acid. I wouldn't have any of it--didn't want a sugar crash! Our bartender was named Louie.

At some point, Hammer called me. She said she was in the neighborhood. I told her to come over to the restaurant. She did just that and Anxious, Hammer and I hung out for a while. Hammer got the strange idea that I have a crush on Prof PP based on something that Anxious said. It was really annoying. Whatever. I was having fun drinking. The only problem--the more I drink, the more I miss Narc!

That's just what happened--I started missing Narc really badly. I kept saying that I wanted to text him. We moved back across the street to Cheers and Hammer advocated the "naturlich" principle--she told me to just text him already if I was dying to do it so badly. So I did. I wanted to tell Narc that I wanted to come down to his place to see him. Hammer told me to make Narc come to me. (Meanwhile, I knew the whole exercise was pointless. I knew he wouldn't respond.) Regardless, I texted him. I wrote:

Hey, come fuck me. I live at.... (and then I put my address).

Okay, I know--totally pathetic. (C'mon Hyde--why are you SUCH a loser about him?)

My phone rang shortly thereafter and I briefly thought it might be Narc calling. No such luck. It was the Wizard calling for Hammer. Hammer remained hung up on the idea that I'm crushing on Prof PP. She left to go meet the Wizard, but texted me:

Go home after that drink. P.S. Do you have the hots for Prof PP?

I told her:

If PP's nickname were Narc, maybe...

Annoying.

Anyway, somewhere in the middle of all of this, Anxious and BulgarianGuy took off, so I was left at Cheers by myself. I moved to the bar to hang with IrishBird and PumpedUp. My memory of this part is hazy.

At some point, I went back to my place and did a few lines. Can you guys believe it? I had been SO fucking good since early February! What the fuck is wrong with me? Anyway, then I headed back to Cheers, with the bag stuffed into my waistband. (You'd think I'd have learned not to do that after I got mugged that way back in September!)

Anyway, I was flying after that. I'm sure it was crazy obvious to IrishBird and PumpedUp, and I'm sure that IrishBird was annoyed. They closed up the bar at around 3:00. Again--my memory at that point, is kind of hazy. I came back to my place and went online for a while, reading blogs. I think I left a few comments for people even though I was all fucked up. Oops! Then I got into bed.

The only problem--I was still desperately missing Narc and I couldn't sleep a wink. I was so fucking wired and didn't know what to do with myself. At this point it was about 4:00 am. My alarm clock was set for 7:00. I called Narc on both of his numbers, and left a lame message apologizing for my earlier lame-ass text. I feel like such a loser.

Then I called the Stallion. (What?!?!?) I didn't think he would pick up, but you know what? He did! I talked to him for about half an hour. He was really happy to hear from me even though I woke him up. He said he only picked up because he saw it was me. I was brutally honest--way too much so. I told him how uncomfortable I felt about the last time that I saw him, and I said that I didn't want to see him again unless it would be all fun and no drama. He agreed. I was being such a slut. I totally got off on the phone with him...twice. Whatever. I guess it made his day.

He said he really wanted to see me. He asked if we could meet up tonight (Wednesday). I said yes at the time, but now I don't want to. I just want to take it easy tonight and sleep. It's the only way I'll survive this! Anyway, we hung up the phone at about 4:30 am. I still couldn't sleep.

Then I called Sunshine just to leave her a message. I was shocked once again, because she actually picked up! I feel SO bad about waking her in the middle of the night. (So Sunshine--I'm sure you're reading this. I'm SO sorry for that, once again. It was totally inappropriate of me to call so late. I really feel bad if I fucked up your sleep and your day! Sorry, sorry sorry!!!) We talked for about 15 minutes or so. Finally I was coming down a bit--not too bad. I probably fell asleep at around 5:15 am or so.

The next thing I knew, it was morning. My alarm went off, and I woke up with a brutal headache. My eyes were still dialated and I still had cotton mouth. Since then, I've eaten a bagel and I've drank a shitload of water, so I feel significantly better, but even so, today is going to be hell. I have to teach this morning and then head to a voice lesson at 1:00. (That's going to be a joke. I can hardly stand. How the fuck am I going to sing?). Then I have to go to the nutritionist at 2:00. (Another joke in my present state! I'm the epitome of bad health!)

On a cheerier note, Bezoukhoff just called me. We're going to hang out later--downtime-style. He has a way of always making me feel better. I told him how badly I fucked up last night and he told me not to worry about it-- that it's all good. We'll see.

Anyway, I've got to go make some photocopies for my students now before class.

That's my story. I can't fucking believe myself sometimes. Has there ever been a girl more pathetic? Has there? Ever? Really?

-loser hyde-