H&N = S&M?

Shit! Shit! Shit!

I was supposed to be up at 6:00 am today to work on a paper due this afternoon, but it didn't happen. Any guesses why? Drunk-Narc once again reared his ugly head.

Yesterday after teaching and after voice lessons and after German class and after shopping for earrings with Hammer, I stopped over at Cheers and finished up my reading for class. I hung out with BarMan (and briefly with FightingMensch), only drinking diet coke, so I was very proud of myself. Later, B came by and we watched 24 together. I was in bed by midnight or so, but didn't fall asleep until around 1:30-ish. At 4:04 am, my phone rang. It was Narc. I missed the call, but he left me a message. He said:

Hyde, it's Narc. Um... I don' t really know what to say to you. Um... (akward laugh) Obviously, I don't know what to say to you. Um... I would like it if you would um call me back. That's all I can say. Alright. I bid you well. Bye.

Now, I know I shouldn't have called him back. But I'm in love and I've been feeling heartbroken and the last thing I heard from him was that he's "going off the radar" because he's "seeing someone else." Anyway, I called him back.

Since the following conversations took place between 4:00 and 5:00 am, I can't remember all the details, but here are the basics:

He called and told me that he wanted me to come down there and fuck him. (So far, no surprises). I said that I was in bed, and that I wasn't going anywere.

"I only called you back because I wanted to see what you wanted," I told him. "Anyway, I thought you were 'off the radar' and that you have some new girl."

"Well, the thing is, Hyde... That relationship--that was tentative. Whatever..." he said. "The point is that I want you, here, now!"

"I don't think so," I told him. "What possible reason do I have to go see you?"

"Because I need you. I need you here and I love you."

What?!?!

"What? Did you just say that you love me? I mean, c'mon, Narc... Stop with the bullshit!"

"It's not bullshit."

"Narc, you told me to go away. You pushed me away. You said you're sick of my histrionics. You said that you are 'off the alcohol and off me' and that you don't want me to--"

He cut me off.

"Shut the fuck up!" he said. "Shut the fuck up. Just shut your fucking mouth and stop being a bitch."

(Uh oh, here comes infantile Narc...)

I didn't say anything. There was a really long pause--one that lasted at least for a few minutes. I wasn't even sure that he hadn't hung up. My dear old Dr. Jekyll-side kept telling me to hang up with him, but I couldn't. He has my heart in a vice, no matter how shitty he acts. I could hear his TV on in the background.

"What are you watching?" I asked.

"I don't know... MTV or something? It's Prince..."

"Prince?"

He started singing Purple Rain. He was slurring his words and was way off tune--really drunk.

"Narc, maybe you should go to bed. You're obviously drunk. I know you're going to be embarassed about this in the morning and wish you hadn't called me. I know that I regret it when I drunk-dial you... You're saying things that you don't really mean."

"Don't worry about it," he said. "I regret nothing. And I'm not drunk."

"I think you are."

"You're the one who's always drunk. Didn't you just get back from your bar?"

"No. I told you that I've been asleep in bed. You know I don't go out on Monday nights. It's 24 night. I've been home since 7:00."

"I know you Hyde. Yup, I know you. Wanna know what I know? I knew that you'd call me right back."

"Oh, really? How did you know that?"

"You just would. Because that's who you are to me. And you're gonna come down here now. So c'mon. Come down here now and fuck me."

"Narc, I told you that I'm not going to."

"Why? You can get up for whatever you have to tomorrow."

"It's not that. I don't want to."

"You don't want to? Stop being such a stupid bitch."

"I'm not."

"Fuck you, Hyde. Fuck you."

"Whatever, Narc! You told me that you are seeing someone else. That made me so fucking sad. I've been heartbroken all week. Now you want me to come running?"

"Well, I'm heartbroken right now because you're not here. I want to show you. I want to teach you what it's like to be held by someone."

"Bullshit, Narc! Bullshit that you're 'heartbroken.' You don't give a shit. And don't forget--I already know what it's like to be held by you. It's a very short lived experience."

From there, the conversation just deteriorated. He told me to "shut the fuck up," called me a bitch a few more times and told me to "fuck off" in general. Then he hung up on me.

He called back a few minutes later. Stupid Hyde answered the phone.

"Narc, I'm not going to do this anymore tonight. Let's just say goodnight. I'm not going to come down there. I need to go to sleep and that's all. So goodnight."

"What the fuck, Hyde? I just want to be with you. I told you that I miss you and I love you. I told you that I need you. It's not that hard to figure out. In fact, it's not fucking rocket science. I want you here. So why the fuck aren't you here? I want you to be here right now."

"Narc, you're seeing someone else. I can't do that. Whatever shit you want to dish out, it stops for me right there. That, I can't handle. So I'm not coming. I just can't do this anymore."

"I'm not seeing anyone else."

"What? Then why did you say that you were?"

"Because I needed to get you away from me."

(My honest opinion--I think he had a date the Saturday before Easter, but that it was a casual internet-dating thing and didn't pan out.)

"So you want to get me away from you? Thanks. That's real incentive for me to come down there. You don't have to pretend to be seeing someone to get rid of me. I'm an adult. You can just ask me to leave you alone. I'll go."

"I don't want you to go. Aren't you fucking listening to me, Hyde? Why are you acting like such a stupid bitch and getting so upset?"

"Well, for one, how about all of the names you've been calling me?"

"Like what?"

"Well, you just called me a bitch like 20 times, and told me to 'shut the fuck up' repeatedly."

"I never called you a bitch."

"Narc, you just did! Just a minute ago! You know that you did!"

He didn't say anything.

"But honestly, Narc, I can deal with that. You're drunk. Whatever. That's not even what bothers me the most."

"Oh? What bothers you the most? I can't wait to hear this one! C'mon Hyde... Give it to me. Just give it to me. Fuck me with it, then, like you will... I've heard it all. I've heard it all by now. There's nothing else you can say. What did I do this time?"

"Okay--Well, it's the way you treat me like a fucking yo-yo with no regard for my feelings. You invited me to come see you a week ago Sunday; you held me and 'made love' to me and said such loving things. When I left you said: 'see you soon.' After that, you ignored my calls for a week and when I finally did hear from you, it was only to tell me that you were going 'off the radar' and seeing someone else. You basically told me to just go away and forget all about you because you had found someone better. I've been trying to process that and move on, and now out of nowhere, you're calling me to say you love me and need me and cursing me when I won't come fuck you. What the hell?"

"You know what? Fine, Hyde.... Fine! I'm just an awful person, right? A fucking awful person! Is that what you're saying? I'm just the most horrible person there is."

I didn't say anything. The silence hung there for a few minutes. Then--

"You know what? Fuck you, bitch."

He hung up on me again.

A few minutes later, one more call from Narc. Masochistic-Hyde answered the phone. I guess I wasn't done getting beaten up yet.

"Hyde, this is stupid. Just come down here and fuck me." (He sounded annoyed and frustrated now).

"Narc, I want to go to sleep. I'm too sad for this. I can't do this, I just--"

He cut me off again. "Shut the fuck up with that again Hyde! You're making it impossible for me. You know? You make it impossible for me to be with you. Just shut the fuck up!"

I kept trying to talk and he kept talking over me, not letting me get a word in, telling me to shut up. I raised my voice (but not so loud that I would wake up B who was sleeping in the other room).

"Narc, you obviously don't care about my feelings if you won't even let me talk!"

"Fine. So talk. What do you want from me, Hyde?"

"You know what I want."

"What do you want?"

"I want what I can't have." (I felt stupid and disarmed all of a sudden).

"What's that?"

"It doesn't matter what I want. You don't have it to give to me, Narc."

"What is it? Love? I told you I do."

"Well, if this is your love, I want more than love. Respect, I guess. Mutuality."

"'Mutuality?' I don't even know what you're talking about. Besides, you're the one who walked out on me last Sunday."

"What??? I told you I had to teach! After I came running to have sex with you when you called? And I stayed until 3:00 in the morning? Are you honestly mad at me for that? Is that what you've been punishing me for this week, Narc? Is that why you've all of a sudden started 'dating' and cut me out of your life? Because you lost control over one stupid little issue? God Narc, it can't work like that! I mean, my needs obviously mean nothing to you. It's all about you. It's always been about you. You don't give a shit about me! It's been that way from the beginning. What does Narc want when he wants it?"

"Hyde, if you really think that, then you don't know me at all."

"Yeah, well maybe I don't know you. But that's no surprise. You don't want me to know you. You won't let me know you. I tried so many times to get to know you. You just have all these fucking walls up around you and won't let anyone get close to you."

"No. That's you. You're the one with the walls up."

"Not the same kind of walls as you have," I said. "I can't even imagine what yours feel like, they're so thick. Look--I'm sad; I'm hurt; And I can't do this anymore. I have to go." (I honestly felt like I was on the verge of tears, but I knew that if I cried it would make him even angrier at me.)

"Fuck you," he said. "I can't believe you're not going to come down here. I can't believe you're doing this. You really are being a stupid bitch, you know."

And with that, he hung up on me again.

This time, I sent him a text. It was 4:58 am.

Don't understand what u want from me or why you just said you love me & need me. I'm going back to sleep now, but "Be well" (as you like to say). Goodbye, Narc.

(FYI: He always ends his cold "break-up" messages with "Be well.")

He wrote back at 5:02:

Fuck you, fuck me. Christ, deal.

(What does that mean?)

Then he called me back. This time, I didn't answer the phone. He left me an incredibly incoherent message. At 5:07 he said:

Well Hyde,

You can think whatever you want (akward laugh). But I'm sitting here in my apartment, and I have people who are not necessarily supposed to be here in my apartment. And, um... Well... I read lots of video games. And I've played lots of video games, and I'm like, kind of a dork, and you know? I know my shit around the video games. And I know my crap around "Guns and Dragons" and all that crap. You know what? So I'm alright. I'm alright with this arbitration. You know what? I'm watching this arbitration and I haven't made my mind up yet, actually. I thought I'd be, you know, pretty-- you know, I thought I knew pretty much... I thought I had it but, you know what? I'm watching these two... And they love it so much. I just can't. I don't know. I can't, um, I can't... I can't access it. I just um, I want to see it. I want to see it. And YOU should see it. And you should call me back. You know what? If you have this number then call me back. If you do, then do. Bye!

Anyone care to try to decode that for me? Is he talking about arbitration between the two of us? Is he saying that he'll be alright without me because he has his games? Who are the "unecessary people" in his apartment? All interpretations are welcome! (Although probably not worth it.)

Anyway, I'm off to see my therapist who thinks I'm an emotional masochist. I'm starting to think that she's right.

So of course, I had to look it up on the internet. Are Narc and I just locked in some kind of awful sado-masochistic emotional hold? Here's some food for thought (this is cut and pasted from some website):

On Masochism (or Hyde):
In a masochistic pathology there will always be three messages, or thought patterns, that permeate the subconscious of such individuals. These underlying thought patterns will thus condition, control, and create the circumstantial realities of the masochistic type of person. These three thought patterns are:

(1) I deserve pain, punishment, crisis, suffering, humility ( to be humiliated), and denial and I do not know why. In addition, the dynamic of denial /avoidance expresses itself as a suppression of the truth that is causing this too occur in such a way as to make excuses that will always sound like rational reasons in order to justify such conditions. And within this the related thought: there must be something wrong with me.

(2) For my needs to be meet, I must hurt first.

(3) I am essentially worthless, while intellectually knowing better.

In essence, a masochistic orientation to reality will create a circumstantial reality that is defined by personal crucifixion; to compulsively sacrifice oneself in a myriad of ways. When atonement is linked with guilt the behavioral manifestation can only lead to pain and crisis. Self-sacrificial behavior, pain, and the creation of inner and outer crisis generates an analytical consciousness wherein analysis linked with crisis, etc., produces self-knowledge. In effect, a masochistic type can only learn about themselves through the creation of crisis and the analysis of self that this will produce. Crisis also has the affect of removing the psychology of denial and avoidance of the truth because of the repetitive nature of crisis formation in the masochist. At some point, the masochist will simply become totally exhausted from the cycle of repetitive crisis and desire to change. When this occurs, the blinders of excuse making will come off. Reality will set in. They can change.

In relationships, the masochist compulsively and habitually attracts one of two types of people. One type is what I call the "emotional wounded birds" of this world. This is the type that needs extensive emotional and psychological healing or repair. They are quite typically very narcissistic (aha!), and have no real capacity to acknowledge the actual needs or identity of their masochistic partner. Typically, they are so deeply insecure that they will create and idea or image in their minds of who they think their masochistic partner is, and then expect that partner to be that idea or image. Consequently, the masochistic partner is left feeling completely misunderstood and invalidated, no matter how many confrontations or pleas for recognition occur. In this situation, the masochistic person does almost all the giving, and is constantly putting out the emotional brush fires that the 'wounded bird' is creating. It is as if the masochistic partner might as well walk around the house with a white uniform on, red cross on the shoulder, and a name tag on the breast !

The other type that the masochist will attract is what I call the "silver tongue devil type". This is the type who knows how to present them self; they know what to say in order to "hook" the masochistic type (want to go for brunch? I love you Hyde!). Yet, once the masochist bites on the hook and makes the decision to be in the relationship, the actual emotional and psychological agenda or reality of the 'silver tongue devil' becomes revealed. And this reality has nothing to do with their original presentation of them self. At this point, the masochist becomes totally disillusioned; another crisis is at hand. This is also the type that can promise change in order to re-secure the relationship. Yet, once it is resecured they revert to the old patterns. And, of course, these two types that the masochist can attract can be combined in the same person.

The masochistic type of person reflects a natural kind of innocence that creates naivete and gullibility. They naturally see the spirit or POTENTIAL of an individual, and then expect the person to either be the potential that they perceive, or to actualize what their spirit reflects. Rarely, if ever, do their partners do either. Thus, disillusionment sets in; more crisis. Masochists have a need to be needed; they live for it.

On Sadism (or Narc):
In the sadistic pathology anger is linked with guilt instead of atonement. As a result, the subconscious messages or thought patterns become these:

(1) I have been made to feel guilty and I am angry because of it. Thus, I want to hurt others, and make them feel as guilty or as bad as I do.

(2) I want to make others atone for their mistakes or sins. I want to humiliate others so that I will humiliate myself.

(3) By punishing others for their imperfections, mistakes, or sins I am punishing myself. And, again, this pathology will also make excuses sounding like rational reasons as a way of avoiding/denying the truth of what is actually happening.

These three thought patterns will thus create a circumstantial reality that is defined, is essence, by dominance and submission; the master/slave, superior/inferior, and the victor and vanquished orientations to reality. In men, this leads to a related dynamic that is projected upon women: an underlying or latent fear called the castration complex. For women, who can also be sadistic, the castration complex also applies. This complex is psychological, not literal ! The essence of this complex is the fear or feeling that the opposite gender will disempower, undermine, capture, enslave, or in some undefined way destroy oneself. Consequently, the sadistic pathology will desire to hurt another first, to attack first, to destroy first, to "get even" first, before it allows itself to get hurt, etc.

For individuals who are defined by this sadistic pathology, there is always an underlying feeling that someone or somebody is out to get them, to attack them, to hurt them, and to victimize them. And instead of feeling that they deserve this, as the masochist does, they will feel victimized by such feelings. The masochist also feels victimized. But the masochist feels that they deserve to be punished; to be a victim. The sadist feels only anger because of feeling victimized in this way. When anger reacts to the feeling of being victimized in this way, then the anger can only destroy or hurt others; to punish others for the underlying guilt that resides in these individuals psyche or subconscious.

Anyway, all this is too much for me to process right now. I think I need to stop overanalyzing and start just doing my work, staying off the booze and spending time with good friends. I've got to get working on that paper that I didn't get to this morning. Shit though, Narc strikes again. He's like a little worm in my heart and in my mind.

-stupid hyde-