Shit. It's almost noon and my head is pounding and I'm still drunk. I did a shitload of coke last night, and then went out and drank wine. I met some guy who's head of security at the UN for Zambia. He said he wants to take me for lunch. Then I went across town to meet NextDoorNeighbor. We drank some more. I switched onto whiskey. I suggested we go to a strip club. Who the hell knows why! We went to Scores. I had to fend off girls trying to give us lap dances. I mean, I'm just not into that and as for NextDoorNeighbor, he couldn't afford it. (Not like I could either). The girls were beautiful, but every time I had to use the restroom I got to hear stripper gossip. It kind of ruined the illusion.
What did I do? I drunk-texted Narc. (I'm such an idiot).
Then we headed back home, to Cheers. It was then that I finally met Sunshine! It was soooooo strange and surreal. I only figured out who she was because she said she would be wearing pink. She came with her two friends. I'll have to write more on that later. As for now, I have to try to get rid of this headache and get out of the house.
I'm in a fucking cranky mood right now. I want this headache gone. NOW!
I hope I feel better later...
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
The Google Fiend and the Broken Heart
Okay, now I'm irrevocably sad.
Heartbreak upon Heartbreak.
I'm a google fiend and found out more than I ever wanted to know about Narc-the-asshole. I've cracked the mystery of his "Roses in Bed Chick." First of all, he completely lied to me when he said that he wasn't really seeing anyone. Apparently, he has been "seeing someone"--that girl Sharon who is pictured on his blog. And apparently he also lied when he said he hasn't slept with anyone "excpet me since me."
(First of all, that's SO sketchy because I had unprotected sex with him this past weekend, on his word. On top of that, he didn't even ask me if I've been "safe," so for all he knows, he could be passing something from me to her... Apparently, he doesn't worry about the issue in general. Slime.)
How do I know he's been dating her? Hyde-the-sleuth found her pseudo-blog. To make matters worse, for her entry on Saturday April 23rd (the day I spent with Narc) she writes:
(and I've substituted my own code names here):
"I was telling a story to Narc last night how while I was at a party the other night I was introduced to my friend's neighbor. So while she was chatting with him, I was left to converse with his female companion, who appeared to be around 19 years old, Eastern European, long blonde hair, and a flawless face. I unknowingly asked her, "Is that your father?" To which the response was in an Alicia Silverstone manner in the movie "Clueless", "Ummmm, nooooooo." Hmmmm, I quickly added up the equation and realized, ohhhhh, ooooops, this man in his mid 40's is her date. Oh, okay, I thought to myself, "So, that's how it is their family."~Edward Roonie from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." As I mentioned a few more details about the man, Narc asks me, "What was his name?" Upon stating the name, he states, "Oh, yes, my ex-girlfriend, Model Chick interviewed with him, and made it to the final round. He hires women to be his personal assistant for 2 years, live with him, and attend events for a handsome salary. At the end of 2 years, he trades her in and hires a new, younger model. WOW!!!! Now, there's a good movie plot for someone out there to write about. "The Arm Candy".
Ok, so she seems pretty stupid, but who gives a shit about the content of her post. The point is that Narc was with her last Friday and later that SAME night called me to hook up. And the very NEXT day told me that he loves me! What the fuck is his problem?!??!
Furthermore, she has her "roses in bed" photos posted on her site with the photo credited to him. Of course she is posed nude in his bed, so bullshit that they didn't sleep together. (Apparently she is some kind of model).
Now I think that Narc is just mean. I don't know how else to take this in. He's just been blatently lying to me--both about seeing someone else and about "loving" me. I don't know why after 10 months, he can't just give me enough respect to be upfront.
It's making me sick. I can't think about anything else right now. I can't focus on my work. I shouldn't have gone digging. I just wish I didn't have this thought in my head.
I can't wait for it to be nightfall.
I never get angry and never want vengeance, (and even feel guilty just thinking like this,) but right now, I wouldn't mind if Narc got what was coming to him.
I want him to feel what I'm feeling.
I've got to do something adventurous tonight. Either that, or black-out.
Heartbreak upon Heartbreak.
I'm a google fiend and found out more than I ever wanted to know about Narc-the-asshole. I've cracked the mystery of his "Roses in Bed Chick." First of all, he completely lied to me when he said that he wasn't really seeing anyone. Apparently, he has been "seeing someone"--that girl Sharon who is pictured on his blog. And apparently he also lied when he said he hasn't slept with anyone "excpet me since me."
(First of all, that's SO sketchy because I had unprotected sex with him this past weekend, on his word. On top of that, he didn't even ask me if I've been "safe," so for all he knows, he could be passing something from me to her... Apparently, he doesn't worry about the issue in general. Slime.)
How do I know he's been dating her? Hyde-the-sleuth found her pseudo-blog. To make matters worse, for her entry on Saturday April 23rd (the day I spent with Narc) she writes:
(and I've substituted my own code names here):
"I was telling a story to Narc last night how while I was at a party the other night I was introduced to my friend's neighbor. So while she was chatting with him, I was left to converse with his female companion, who appeared to be around 19 years old, Eastern European, long blonde hair, and a flawless face. I unknowingly asked her, "Is that your father?" To which the response was in an Alicia Silverstone manner in the movie "Clueless", "Ummmm, nooooooo." Hmmmm, I quickly added up the equation and realized, ohhhhh, ooooops, this man in his mid 40's is her date. Oh, okay, I thought to myself, "So, that's how it is their family."~Edward Roonie from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." As I mentioned a few more details about the man, Narc asks me, "What was his name?" Upon stating the name, he states, "Oh, yes, my ex-girlfriend, Model Chick interviewed with him, and made it to the final round. He hires women to be his personal assistant for 2 years, live with him, and attend events for a handsome salary. At the end of 2 years, he trades her in and hires a new, younger model. WOW!!!! Now, there's a good movie plot for someone out there to write about. "The Arm Candy".
Ok, so she seems pretty stupid, but who gives a shit about the content of her post. The point is that Narc was with her last Friday and later that SAME night called me to hook up. And the very NEXT day told me that he loves me! What the fuck is his problem?!??!
Furthermore, she has her "roses in bed" photos posted on her site with the photo credited to him. Of course she is posed nude in his bed, so bullshit that they didn't sleep together. (Apparently she is some kind of model).
Now I think that Narc is just mean. I don't know how else to take this in. He's just been blatently lying to me--both about seeing someone else and about "loving" me. I don't know why after 10 months, he can't just give me enough respect to be upfront.
It's making me sick. I can't think about anything else right now. I can't focus on my work. I shouldn't have gone digging. I just wish I didn't have this thought in my head.
I can't wait for it to be nightfall.
I never get angry and never want vengeance, (and even feel guilty just thinking like this,) but right now, I wouldn't mind if Narc got what was coming to him.
I want him to feel what I'm feeling.
I've got to do something adventurous tonight. Either that, or black-out.
Reconciliation with the Stallion
So it looks like I've been "forgiven" by the Stallion for my not-so "polite" behavior last Friday.
As you know, I sent him that text on Sunday telling him I felt like an asshole for how I treated him. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. Not only was my weekend reunion with Narc dreadfully short-lived (and therefore hardly worth it, as it only served to rekindle my tortured feelings for him), but I shuddered to imagine myself in the Stallion's position. What if I had been at the Stallion's apartment and he had another girl come over in the middle of the night, leaving me in his bedroom while he screwed her in the living room?
Decidedly not cool.
Anyway, I wrote him another text yesterday asking if he was going to stay pissed at me forever. (Maybe I should have let the whole thing go, but I can't stand it when people are mad at me.)
B came over to my place at around 4:30. While we were watching Dr. Phil (a favorite pastime, albeit a guilty pleasure), the Stallion called. My stomach flipped from nerves. I didn't pick up the phone, but he left a message. He said:
"Hey Hyde. Just calling to see how you are. And for the record, I'm not mad at you, okay? So just give me a call back when you get the chance..."
(Yay! Sigh of relief...)
I didn't call back right away, as I was with B. After Dr. Phil, B and I grabbed a slice of pizza and went to the movies. We saw "the Interpreter," (which we love trying to say with an Aussie accent). It was good, but a little overwrought at times. Last summer I walked past the film shoot and watched as they filmed one of the protest scenes. It was fun to see it on the big screen. A lot of the film was shot in my neighborhood, so of course I was obsessed with figuring out where everything was taking place.
Anyway, walking back from the movie theater, my cell rang. Again, it was the Stallion. This time I answered. We had a rather akward conversation, but it definitely broke the tension. I told him that I felt really bad about how I had treated him. He said that he had been annoyed at first but then decided to just let it "roll off." It was "no big deal."
"That's what I love about you," I said. (In fact, it is!)
He said that he didn't call back right away because he figured I was dealing with a lot of stuff and that he didn't want to confuse me any further. (Thanks!) He also said that if I thought he was that angry about it, I must have been projecting.
"You're right," I said. "I'm definitely angry at myself. I feel so bad that I did that to you."
"Just forget about it," he said. "But we do need a hang-out with no drama."
"And no drinks," I added. (The classic Hyde formula--where there's drinks, there's drama!)
I told him we would meet up soon.
We hung up and I went back to chatting with B. Just a few minutes later the phone rang again. Again, it was the Stallion.
"Hyde, I forgot to ask you--do you have a contact number for that coke?" he asked.
"Um, yeah, but not on me. It's at home, and I won't be home for another 15 minutes."
"Ok, well, I'm hanging out with some old friends and we wanted to try to get some."
I told him that I'd call him with it when I got home.
"Is the guy going to call me back even if he doesn't recognize my number?" he asked.
"Um, he probably will, as long as it's not too late. He won't deliver late."
The Stallion asked me if I would call and have it delivered to me. He said he could come pick it up at my place.
"Maybe it's easier that way," he said. (I'm sure that's not the only reason he wanted to come over).
"I really can't," I told him. "I'm hanging out with a friend right now who would really not appreciate that kind of thing happening."
(In fact, B would fucking kill me. He was barely tolerating that I was talking to the Stallion in the first place. He doesn't like the Stallion, hates Narc and disapproves of my unhealthy habits.)
"Oh, okay..." the Stallion seemed a little confused.
"Well, I'm just coming back from the movies with my friend," I said.
"Maybe we can meet up later anyway?"
"Probably not. He may stay over here... On the couch," I added. "He's my best friend." (I felt akward telling him I was having another guy over).
"Oh, all right."
(I hope he doesn't think I have a different guy here every week!)
Later, when B and I were watching TV, NextDoorNeighbor rang my doorbell.
"What's up?"
"I was just over at Cheers looking for you," he said. "I asked BarMan where you were and he said you were probably home working on your incompletes. He said that it was still early and that you may stop by later."
I laughed really hard. I should have been working on my incompletes! But, yay! BarMan has faith in me! I told NextDoorNeighbor that I would see him later. We have plans for tonight--the first part of the night, before my possible meeting with Sunshine.
So that was my evening, but for some reason I couldn't settle down internally. I was really anxious about being home last night, even though B was here. Maybe it's because I always go out on Thursdays--primarily because it's one of the two weeknights that BarMan is on duty. (And I do have that little crush...) It just felt really strange to be staying home. I was in bed by midnight, for Christ's sake!
At around 1:30 am my cell phone rang. It was the Stallion yet again! This time I didn't pick up and he didn't leave a message. He probably wanted to see if B had left. In any case, I think that it's clear that we've moved past the whole Narc-incident. (At least that he's moved past the whole Narc incident. As for me... that's a whole other story!)
What do I want with the Stallion? Who the fuck knows. I guess I just didn't want him to be mad at me, and that's good enough for now.
Would you believe it? It's well before 9:00 am and I'm already up and at work on a paper! I'm going to get dressed and head to the library.
-studious hyde-
As you know, I sent him that text on Sunday telling him I felt like an asshole for how I treated him. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. Not only was my weekend reunion with Narc dreadfully short-lived (and therefore hardly worth it, as it only served to rekindle my tortured feelings for him), but I shuddered to imagine myself in the Stallion's position. What if I had been at the Stallion's apartment and he had another girl come over in the middle of the night, leaving me in his bedroom while he screwed her in the living room?
Decidedly not cool.
Anyway, I wrote him another text yesterday asking if he was going to stay pissed at me forever. (Maybe I should have let the whole thing go, but I can't stand it when people are mad at me.)
B came over to my place at around 4:30. While we were watching Dr. Phil (a favorite pastime, albeit a guilty pleasure), the Stallion called. My stomach flipped from nerves. I didn't pick up the phone, but he left a message. He said:
"Hey Hyde. Just calling to see how you are. And for the record, I'm not mad at you, okay? So just give me a call back when you get the chance..."
(Yay! Sigh of relief...)
I didn't call back right away, as I was with B. After Dr. Phil, B and I grabbed a slice of pizza and went to the movies. We saw "the Interpreter," (which we love trying to say with an Aussie accent). It was good, but a little overwrought at times. Last summer I walked past the film shoot and watched as they filmed one of the protest scenes. It was fun to see it on the big screen. A lot of the film was shot in my neighborhood, so of course I was obsessed with figuring out where everything was taking place.
Anyway, walking back from the movie theater, my cell rang. Again, it was the Stallion. This time I answered. We had a rather akward conversation, but it definitely broke the tension. I told him that I felt really bad about how I had treated him. He said that he had been annoyed at first but then decided to just let it "roll off." It was "no big deal."
"That's what I love about you," I said. (In fact, it is!)
He said that he didn't call back right away because he figured I was dealing with a lot of stuff and that he didn't want to confuse me any further. (Thanks!) He also said that if I thought he was that angry about it, I must have been projecting.
"You're right," I said. "I'm definitely angry at myself. I feel so bad that I did that to you."
"Just forget about it," he said. "But we do need a hang-out with no drama."
"And no drinks," I added. (The classic Hyde formula--where there's drinks, there's drama!)
I told him we would meet up soon.
We hung up and I went back to chatting with B. Just a few minutes later the phone rang again. Again, it was the Stallion.
"Hyde, I forgot to ask you--do you have a contact number for that coke?" he asked.
"Um, yeah, but not on me. It's at home, and I won't be home for another 15 minutes."
"Ok, well, I'm hanging out with some old friends and we wanted to try to get some."
I told him that I'd call him with it when I got home.
"Is the guy going to call me back even if he doesn't recognize my number?" he asked.
"Um, he probably will, as long as it's not too late. He won't deliver late."
The Stallion asked me if I would call and have it delivered to me. He said he could come pick it up at my place.
"Maybe it's easier that way," he said. (I'm sure that's not the only reason he wanted to come over).
"I really can't," I told him. "I'm hanging out with a friend right now who would really not appreciate that kind of thing happening."
(In fact, B would fucking kill me. He was barely tolerating that I was talking to the Stallion in the first place. He doesn't like the Stallion, hates Narc and disapproves of my unhealthy habits.)
"Oh, okay..." the Stallion seemed a little confused.
"Well, I'm just coming back from the movies with my friend," I said.
"Maybe we can meet up later anyway?"
"Probably not. He may stay over here... On the couch," I added. "He's my best friend." (I felt akward telling him I was having another guy over).
"Oh, all right."
(I hope he doesn't think I have a different guy here every week!)
Later, when B and I were watching TV, NextDoorNeighbor rang my doorbell.
"What's up?"
"I was just over at Cheers looking for you," he said. "I asked BarMan where you were and he said you were probably home working on your incompletes. He said that it was still early and that you may stop by later."
I laughed really hard. I should have been working on my incompletes! But, yay! BarMan has faith in me! I told NextDoorNeighbor that I would see him later. We have plans for tonight--the first part of the night, before my possible meeting with Sunshine.
So that was my evening, but for some reason I couldn't settle down internally. I was really anxious about being home last night, even though B was here. Maybe it's because I always go out on Thursdays--primarily because it's one of the two weeknights that BarMan is on duty. (And I do have that little crush...) It just felt really strange to be staying home. I was in bed by midnight, for Christ's sake!
At around 1:30 am my cell phone rang. It was the Stallion yet again! This time I didn't pick up and he didn't leave a message. He probably wanted to see if B had left. In any case, I think that it's clear that we've moved past the whole Narc-incident. (At least that he's moved past the whole Narc incident. As for me... that's a whole other story!)
What do I want with the Stallion? Who the fuck knows. I guess I just didn't want him to be mad at me, and that's good enough for now.
Would you believe it? It's well before 9:00 am and I'm already up and at work on a paper! I'm going to get dressed and head to the library.
-studious hyde-
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Goodbye Constantine!
One of Life's Many Injustices
Ah, Constantine! Dear Constantine!
GoldenFinch says that he reminds her of George W. Bush. (You'll have to ask her for an explanation of that one).
But as for me-- I can never quiet get enough of men who are entertainingly full of themselves. And Constantine fit the bill perfectly!
What has become of one of life's little pleasures? Must I drown out my sorrows at Cheers without end? Will Tuesday nights ever be the same? How many heartbreaks must a girl suffer in a week?
I seem to have very little control over anything these days. And so I bid farewell to Constantine. He has disappeared into the oblivion along with Narc. (Can you say "projection?")
Can I really continue to watch Idol in a world in which Scott Savol is still on the show and Constantine has been booted out?
What's wrong with America?
Paula, I'm with you on this one...time for us all to shed a tear.
-a Stunned (and saddened) Hyde-
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
All About Forever
I just read Charby's post about her dad. It made me really sad. Love just hurts so much. It's all a tragedy waiting to happen, whether you think about it or not. Even when it's wonderful, even when it works, even when it feels like joy, it's going to end as "loss" for someone. B always tells me that "nothing lasts forever." I hate when he says that.
I've always been all about "forever."
This weekend and the beginning of the week were filled with tears. Last night I was talking to GoldenFinch on the phone and she said that she has been unusually tearful as well. Charby's post was certainly sad, and Sunshine shut down her blog this weekend. What's going on with the women in the world? I just haven't felt like myself since Narc pulled away in that cab.
I looked it up, and this Sunday was a full moon. Strange, right? I definitely feel it though. Sometimes I get in tune to those things.
Saturday evening I was home with my family. It was hard. We watched a lot of old movies of my stepbrother. Those times don't feel like they were all that long ago. He was the cutest thing in the world. In one of them he turned and smiled at the camera with the sweetest little seven-year-old grin, missing teeth and all. It absolutely broke my heart to look at that little boy's face and to know what his "fate" would be. I mean, I guess I don't "technically" believe in fate, but in my heart I always have. In fact, I'm a huge fatalist. Fate and ghosts.
I felt numb.
Then I was moody all day on Sunday. I spent the morning at the hospital for my brother's birthday, after which my mom, my two sisters and I departed for a bridal shower in New Jersey. The bride is a long time friend of the family. She's getting married in August just north of San Francisco, but her family is still in Jersey. My sisters and I are going to be her bridesmaids. We grew up in the house next door to the bride and her family and lived there until I was seven. At that point, my mom left my dad (because of the alcohol, etc.) and moved us all to New York. My dad lived for about four more years after that. In those years, the four of us would pile into the car and drive out there to visit him. My mom used to call us "Mommy and the miracles," like some strange '50's do-wop band. We would sing in the car on the way there.
It was strange to take that drive again--just the four of us. It felt like we were driving into some kind of time warp. It made me very sad, but in a way I can't quite articulate. Somtimes I feel like that life, the world of my childhood, is ongoing and exists somewhere. I just don't have access to it.
Sometimes I have strange dreams. I dream that I (at my present age) go back and visit a Hyde of the past. For example, one reoccuring version of this dream is that I go back to visit the house where I grew up. A six-year-old Hyde answers the door. It's not creepy. She is happy to see me and welcomes me inside. We sit at the kitchen table and talk. She offers to show me around the house, starting with my old bedroom. I don't remember what we talk about. The house is exactly the same. I notice the Fishy Phyllis "garbage-pail-kid" sticker on the microwave.
Anyway, as we were driving back from the bridal shower on Sunday, I felt like I was on the verge of tears. The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up on May 7th. It will be 15 years this year. I hate this time of year. That date looms over me and it's like everything in the universe is gearing towards it. I know that my mom and my sisters must be going through the same thing, but we never talk about it. It's weird. We talk about everything in my family--we're not a repressed "sweep everything under the rug" family. But on this issue we've always been silent.
I decided to break the silence.
On the care ride back I aksed them if they wanted to meet for dinner on that day. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with this, even though it's been 15 fucking years! Usually I just spend the entire day with B because I feel shakey.
Speaking of B, I saw him on Monday for our 24 night. I was at Cheers just before he arrived and only had two glasses of wine, but for some reason, I felt drunk. (You guys know that 2 glasses of wine should have no impact on me, so it was strange.) When he got here, it's like the flood- gates finally opened. I just cried and cried and cried about everything. I cried about my brother; I cried about my dad; I cried about Narc; and finally, I cried about my relationship with B. It has never had any kind of resolution in my mind.
In May, it will have been three years since B and I broke up. I don't want to get back together with him on any level. But even so, I still feel so much pain from what happened between us. I still feel worthless in so many ways. It's hard to spend so much time with him and to sit on all of those feelings. I can't really say any more about it here because he's a very private person and I don't think he'd want me posting the details of our relationship. In any case, I cried for hours and I think I really confused him. I cried straight through 24. I cried as I got ready for bed; and I cried myself to sleep.
That night, I was stricken by mad thirst. Maybe all of the crying caused dehydration. I woke up five or six times with so much thirst! I kept having to stumble into the kitchen for water. At one point, I woke up B who was sleeping in the living room.
"It's freezing in here," he said.
(They've turned off the heat in my building since it's spring, but we've had a few really chilly days lately.)
"Come sleep with me then," I told him. "The blanket's a lot warmer in my room."
He did.
When I woke up in the morning, he told me that Narc had emailed me.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Last night after you fell asleep I was at the computer. Your MSN messenger thing popped up with a new email from Narc."
Oh my god. I felt sick.
I didn't want to see what Narc wrote. I knew it would be bad.
"What do you think he said?" B asked.
"He's probably going to tell me to fuck off."
Well, here it is:
Hi Hyde,
Am extraordinarily busy with the writing, but may try to squeak out for a just a little bit this week to catch a few flicks at the Tribeca Film Fest. We'll see.
Am glad I saw you this past weekend; but, thinking about it now, I do think it'd be best for all if we (once again--perhaps more successfully this time) attempted to establish some distance between us. I'm just not in a position, right now, to be good to anyone, least of all you. I really don't want to hurt you anymore. Both of us really need to work on ourselves, move on, etc.
Am seeing the Guru tomorrow, perhaps she'll shed a bit of light on all of this...? Who knows.
Take care, perhaps we'll talk in a little while--
Narc
I don't know what that's supposed to mean. He pops up once a month, has sex with me, professes love for me and then says that we should "establish distance" but perhaps only "for a little while." God damn it, Narc! He's treating me like a fucking yo-yo! (Pulls me in, pushes me away, pulls me in, pushes me away.)
Well, predictably enough, that set off another flood of tears. I cried until I got to therapy at 10:00 am.
In therapy, we talked about relationship issues, which included, of course, both Narc and B. After the session B called me. My head was spinning and I brought up some of what I had just discussed. B and I ended up in a fight. I told him to fuck off and hung up on him. Then I cried some more. I called back to wish him luck with a job interview he had that afternoon. I told him to put our issues aside until later. No matter how angry I am, I still love him and didn't want him to have emotional-stuff on the mind with an important interview ahead.
After that, I took my laptop to a diner and finished my blog. Later when I came home, B called me to tell me that the interview went well. We resumed our previous conversation which caused another hour or two of tears. This time, though, it was cathartic. I feel like we finally heard each other a little. He reassured me about a lot of things. All of those tears though... I was wiped out.
For the rest of the afternoon, I wanted to crawl into a cave and rest. I talked to Hammer on the phone for a while, but other than that, I just vegetated in front of the TV. Later in the evening, after watching American Idol, I did a few lines and went to Cheers. I have to stop with the medicine though. My left arm and hand were tingling a bit. It made me nervous.
I had a standard evening at Cheers. Hung out with IrishBird for a while and drank a lot of wine. I made sure to stay off the whiskey. The scene was kind of dead. I got hit on by a 54-year-old man, and I talked to that guy for a while. He had been studying to be a priest at one point. Interesting fellow. We talked about religion and the political right in America. This guy is a leftist. It's weird, because B just had a very similar discussion (about politics and religion) with his advisor and we had been talking about it.
Later I had a strange text exchange with Bezoukhoff. I knew I was getting to the really drunk-Hyde point, so I went home. It's a good thing, because the last leg of the night, and parts of the Bezoukhoff exchange I didn't remember this morning.
But now it's a new day and I'm still madly in love with Narc (maybe even more so, God knows why); I'm still sad; I still don't want to become "Famine-Hyde", but I'm too tired today to be "Feast-Hyde." I feel like a loner today. I don't want to talk to anyone. It's raining out. I have a voice lesson in a little while. Maybe I'll go to a museum by myself after that. I know I have school work to do, but this is New York.
Even as a loner, the world is my oyster.
I've always been all about "forever."
This weekend and the beginning of the week were filled with tears. Last night I was talking to GoldenFinch on the phone and she said that she has been unusually tearful as well. Charby's post was certainly sad, and Sunshine shut down her blog this weekend. What's going on with the women in the world? I just haven't felt like myself since Narc pulled away in that cab.
I looked it up, and this Sunday was a full moon. Strange, right? I definitely feel it though. Sometimes I get in tune to those things.
Saturday evening I was home with my family. It was hard. We watched a lot of old movies of my stepbrother. Those times don't feel like they were all that long ago. He was the cutest thing in the world. In one of them he turned and smiled at the camera with the sweetest little seven-year-old grin, missing teeth and all. It absolutely broke my heart to look at that little boy's face and to know what his "fate" would be. I mean, I guess I don't "technically" believe in fate, but in my heart I always have. In fact, I'm a huge fatalist. Fate and ghosts.
I felt numb.
Then I was moody all day on Sunday. I spent the morning at the hospital for my brother's birthday, after which my mom, my two sisters and I departed for a bridal shower in New Jersey. The bride is a long time friend of the family. She's getting married in August just north of San Francisco, but her family is still in Jersey. My sisters and I are going to be her bridesmaids. We grew up in the house next door to the bride and her family and lived there until I was seven. At that point, my mom left my dad (because of the alcohol, etc.) and moved us all to New York. My dad lived for about four more years after that. In those years, the four of us would pile into the car and drive out there to visit him. My mom used to call us "Mommy and the miracles," like some strange '50's do-wop band. We would sing in the car on the way there.
It was strange to take that drive again--just the four of us. It felt like we were driving into some kind of time warp. It made me very sad, but in a way I can't quite articulate. Somtimes I feel like that life, the world of my childhood, is ongoing and exists somewhere. I just don't have access to it.
Sometimes I have strange dreams. I dream that I (at my present age) go back and visit a Hyde of the past. For example, one reoccuring version of this dream is that I go back to visit the house where I grew up. A six-year-old Hyde answers the door. It's not creepy. She is happy to see me and welcomes me inside. We sit at the kitchen table and talk. She offers to show me around the house, starting with my old bedroom. I don't remember what we talk about. The house is exactly the same. I notice the Fishy Phyllis "garbage-pail-kid" sticker on the microwave.
Anyway, as we were driving back from the bridal shower on Sunday, I felt like I was on the verge of tears. The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up on May 7th. It will be 15 years this year. I hate this time of year. That date looms over me and it's like everything in the universe is gearing towards it. I know that my mom and my sisters must be going through the same thing, but we never talk about it. It's weird. We talk about everything in my family--we're not a repressed "sweep everything under the rug" family. But on this issue we've always been silent.
I decided to break the silence.
On the care ride back I aksed them if they wanted to meet for dinner on that day. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with this, even though it's been 15 fucking years! Usually I just spend the entire day with B because I feel shakey.
Speaking of B, I saw him on Monday for our 24 night. I was at Cheers just before he arrived and only had two glasses of wine, but for some reason, I felt drunk. (You guys know that 2 glasses of wine should have no impact on me, so it was strange.) When he got here, it's like the flood- gates finally opened. I just cried and cried and cried about everything. I cried about my brother; I cried about my dad; I cried about Narc; and finally, I cried about my relationship with B. It has never had any kind of resolution in my mind.
In May, it will have been three years since B and I broke up. I don't want to get back together with him on any level. But even so, I still feel so much pain from what happened between us. I still feel worthless in so many ways. It's hard to spend so much time with him and to sit on all of those feelings. I can't really say any more about it here because he's a very private person and I don't think he'd want me posting the details of our relationship. In any case, I cried for hours and I think I really confused him. I cried straight through 24. I cried as I got ready for bed; and I cried myself to sleep.
That night, I was stricken by mad thirst. Maybe all of the crying caused dehydration. I woke up five or six times with so much thirst! I kept having to stumble into the kitchen for water. At one point, I woke up B who was sleeping in the living room.
"It's freezing in here," he said.
(They've turned off the heat in my building since it's spring, but we've had a few really chilly days lately.)
"Come sleep with me then," I told him. "The blanket's a lot warmer in my room."
He did.
When I woke up in the morning, he told me that Narc had emailed me.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Last night after you fell asleep I was at the computer. Your MSN messenger thing popped up with a new email from Narc."
Oh my god. I felt sick.
I didn't want to see what Narc wrote. I knew it would be bad.
"What do you think he said?" B asked.
"He's probably going to tell me to fuck off."
Well, here it is:
Hi Hyde,
Am extraordinarily busy with the writing, but may try to squeak out for a just a little bit this week to catch a few flicks at the Tribeca Film Fest. We'll see.
Am glad I saw you this past weekend; but, thinking about it now, I do think it'd be best for all if we (once again--perhaps more successfully this time) attempted to establish some distance between us. I'm just not in a position, right now, to be good to anyone, least of all you. I really don't want to hurt you anymore. Both of us really need to work on ourselves, move on, etc.
Am seeing the Guru tomorrow, perhaps she'll shed a bit of light on all of this...? Who knows.
Take care, perhaps we'll talk in a little while--
Narc
I don't know what that's supposed to mean. He pops up once a month, has sex with me, professes love for me and then says that we should "establish distance" but perhaps only "for a little while." God damn it, Narc! He's treating me like a fucking yo-yo! (Pulls me in, pushes me away, pulls me in, pushes me away.)
Well, predictably enough, that set off another flood of tears. I cried until I got to therapy at 10:00 am.
In therapy, we talked about relationship issues, which included, of course, both Narc and B. After the session B called me. My head was spinning and I brought up some of what I had just discussed. B and I ended up in a fight. I told him to fuck off and hung up on him. Then I cried some more. I called back to wish him luck with a job interview he had that afternoon. I told him to put our issues aside until later. No matter how angry I am, I still love him and didn't want him to have emotional-stuff on the mind with an important interview ahead.
After that, I took my laptop to a diner and finished my blog. Later when I came home, B called me to tell me that the interview went well. We resumed our previous conversation which caused another hour or two of tears. This time, though, it was cathartic. I feel like we finally heard each other a little. He reassured me about a lot of things. All of those tears though... I was wiped out.
For the rest of the afternoon, I wanted to crawl into a cave and rest. I talked to Hammer on the phone for a while, but other than that, I just vegetated in front of the TV. Later in the evening, after watching American Idol, I did a few lines and went to Cheers. I have to stop with the medicine though. My left arm and hand were tingling a bit. It made me nervous.
I had a standard evening at Cheers. Hung out with IrishBird for a while and drank a lot of wine. I made sure to stay off the whiskey. The scene was kind of dead. I got hit on by a 54-year-old man, and I talked to that guy for a while. He had been studying to be a priest at one point. Interesting fellow. We talked about religion and the political right in America. This guy is a leftist. It's weird, because B just had a very similar discussion (about politics and religion) with his advisor and we had been talking about it.
Later I had a strange text exchange with Bezoukhoff. I knew I was getting to the really drunk-Hyde point, so I went home. It's a good thing, because the last leg of the night, and parts of the Bezoukhoff exchange I didn't remember this morning.
But now it's a new day and I'm still madly in love with Narc (maybe even more so, God knows why); I'm still sad; I still don't want to become "Famine-Hyde", but I'm too tired today to be "Feast-Hyde." I feel like a loner today. I don't want to talk to anyone. It's raining out. I have a voice lesson in a little while. Maybe I'll go to a museum by myself after that. I know I have school work to do, but this is New York.
Even as a loner, the world is my oyster.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Hyde's Unbelievable Friday Night
First of all-- I fucking HATE blogger! I just typed out the longest post on the face of the earth and then lost it all. So here I go again... Let's hope that writing it all this time around doesn't take me three hours.
Second of all--Happy Happy Birthday to my Stepbrother!!! He's 18 as of two days ago. I love him so much!
And now for my post (take 2):
Let me just start by saying that Mr. Hyde was out in full force this Friday! I can't fucking believe the way that I behaved. Damn! I still haven't even processed it. I do have to warn you though-- this post is really long. However, I promise you-- there's a lot of drama and it's a good story, so I hope you bear with me. I also have to warn you, dear readers, that in some places there may be a little "too much information," (if you know what I mean), but never gratuitously-- only when a necessary part of my narrative. That said-- If you don't wanna know, don't read on.
So what happened? Let's put it this way-- by 5:30 am on Friday night, the Stallion and Narc were both here with me in my apartment! (Well, no... It's not quite as naughty as it sounds... But even so, it was an unforgettably strange evening.)
What exactly transpired?
May I present to you "Hyde's Unbelievable Friday Night"
After teaching on Friday I spent several hours in my office blogging. Over the course of the afternoon, the Stallion had left me several messags on my voicemail, and I wasn't quite sure how to respond or what to do about it. If you recall, he had wanted to get together the afternoon I spent with Bezoukhoff and I blew him off. He was pretty persistent. I guess he still had that "phone sex" phone call on the mind. In any event, either I had to call him back, or make the decision to write him off altogether.
I still had Narc on the mind as well. I decided that I couldn't resist forwarding him the NY Post article on "Drunk-Texting." I sent it to him as an email attachment with the following message:
Hey Narc,
I've figured out by now that you're not talking to me, and that's totally okay. So this message means nothing, except that I couldn't resist sending you this. My friend sent me this article and I thought it was too funny in light of the stupid messages we've left each other. Coming from my end, hope they haven't been TOO awful and I hope that you're doing well.
So, enjoy!
Seriously--
Wishing you all the happiness in the world while you're doing your thing...
H
That evening I had plans to accompany NextDoorNeighbor and a visiting friend of his (John) to a comedy show in the Village. While we agreed to meet at 6:30, I ended up running late. As I scurried to the subway, I was fucking freezing. I was underdressed for the weather and it rained on me too! I was not in a good mood.
When I arrived back at my place, NextDoorNeighbor came by and told me that the show started at 8:30. They were heading downtown early. I told him that I'd meet them there, as I wanted time to get changed and to grab something for dinner.
As I got ready, the Stallion continued to weigh on my mind. I decided to make the call. He was definitely happy to hear from me.
"What's up girl? When can I see you? I've got to see you this weekend!"
He went on to tell me the various things that he wanted to "do to me."
"I don't know, Stallion. I definitely can't meet up tomorrow because I'm going to Long Island," I said.
"Well, I guess that just leaves us tonight."
"Well, actually... I can't tonight. I have plans with my neighbor," I told him. "We're going to see a comedy show."
"Maybe we can hook up after that? I might be in the city."
"Yeah, sure, I guess... If it works out." I was hesitant. "But I'm warning you-- it's gonna be a drinking night. And I know you weren't all that cool with the way things were the last time we hung out and drank."
"Well, that's okay," he said. "But I was kind of hoping we could make it a 'stay at home with a movie' night. More 'play' that way."
(What? I've NEVER had that kind of a night with the Stallion, and frankly I couldn't even imagine it. What the hell would we talk about?)
"We'll have to save that for another day," I said. "But I can give you a call when we get out of the show. I'm really not sure what we're doing after that though, so don't make your plans around me. If it works out and we meet up, then fine. But I can't guarantee it..."
"Ok."
After that, I spent so much time perfecting my makeup that I didn't get out of the house until around 8:10. I still hadn't eaten dinner, but I wanted to stop into Cheers and say hi to everyone. What to do? Dinner or a drink? (How well do you know Hyde and her priorities?) I did a few lines to quash my hunger and popped by Cheers for a quick whiskey. Finally, I headed downtown.
The comedy show was pretty entertaining and NextDoorNeighbor, John and I each had a few rounds there. After that, we headed around the corner to a lounge called "Alibi" on McDougal. It was still really early (probably only 11:00) so the place was pretty empty. I was starting to feel my liquor and began to flirt with John. (I was just in that kind of mood, you know?) NextDoorNeighbor laughed and told John that I had "the most colorful life" of anyone he knows. I took it upon myself to "play the part."
All three of us were getting a little drunk. I was behaving quiet audaciously. John is the shy and quiet type. He said that he doesn't party all that much and I could see that he was definitely taken aback at some of the things that came flying out of my mouth. I thought it was fun to shock him. NextDoorNeighbor knows all of my stories--Narc, the Stallion and more, and he cheerfully brought up a few of them in front of John. John told me that "if he had a girl like me, he wouldn't treat her that way." It was sweet-- a shy guy's brand of flirting. He managed to flirt without being direct enough to take any kind of real risk. I thought it was cute and the whole thing put me in a good mood.
After an hour or so at "Alibi" I was just drunk enough to think that I wanted to call the Stallion. I told him that the three of us were probably heading back uptown in just a little while, and that he should call me if he were going to be in the city.
"What are you up to now?" I asked.
"Just kickin' it," he said. (Yay! My favorite Stallion expression!) "But I'll definitely see you later, girl!"
NextDoorNeighbor and John were psyched to check out karaoke at Cheers. I had no objections. After all, as you know, I love it there. As we walked in, I was approached by a drunk yet familiar face.
"Hey!" he exclaimed. "I know you! You're that girl who's the really good singer!"
"What's up?" I said.
"Do you remember me?"
I did, but I couldn't really place him. Where the fuck did I know him from? (Or should I say WHEN did I know him from?) Hmm... Oh! That's right, I got it! He was the guy that VJ flirted with the night that she was there when I smoked up with NextDoorNeighbor and then all three of us went to Cheers after. That was night I thought she and NextDoorNeighbor had a "budding romance."
"I do remember you," I said.
"My name?"
"Um, yeah.... Your name is.... um... Jeremy!"
Who the fuck knows how I remembered that! Especially with all of my drunken memory loss! I'm sure that if you had asked me his name sober, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. Strange, n'est pas?
Jeremy asked me to sing the song that I always sing.
"Why don't you give the slip to BarMan?" I suggested. "That way he'll call it sooner. I just got here, so if I turn it in, I'll go on the end of the list."
As Jeremy submitted my song, I scanned the crowd for the boys I came in with. I bumped into BulgarianGuy and we said our hello's. I also passed by BarMan's bizarre curly-haired date from the previous night. She seemed happy to see me-- I guess she didn't know anyone else there. I talked to her for little while. Then I found NextDoorNeighbor and John at a side table. I was frustrated though, because BarMan still hadn't called my song. I decided to ask him why not.
"Sorry, Hyde," he said. "PumpedUp gave me directions not to call any 'slower songs' until later in the night."
"What?" I was really annoyed.
I went directly to PumpedUp to ask him what was up with the new policy. He basically repeated just what BarMan had told me. I was pissed off, but knew I was too drunk to argue and besides, there was no point. No reason to make things uncomfortable. I didn't feel like sticking around there though. I was in "Hyde-mode," and Hyde is definitely a lot less docile and agreeable than Jekyll! I marched back over to our table and told the boys that I wanted to leave.
"Here, go pay my tab," I said, pressing several bills into NextDoorNeighbor's hand.
"But I just put up 'Summer Nights' for us," he said.
"Well, I'm pissed, so I'm leaving now." I strutted towards the door.
(I guess I can be a bit of a bitch. But I was upset, and missing the chance to sing a lame duet while drunk with someone who can't stay on pitch didn't seem like such a loss!)
The two boys followed.
"Where to next?" I asked.
"FuBar?" NextDoorNeighbor suggested.
On the way up there we passed Manchester Pub.
"We have to go in for one of Maeve's White Russians!" I said.
I promised that we would only stay for one drink. (I think it ended up being three).
There, I struck up a converstaion with some British guy who was in town for the weekend. I gave him my number, but had no intention of ever returning his call. Like I said-- I was just in a flirty mood. (He called on Saturday. I got his message while I was at my parent's place. I have to say-- in that context, it was a little jarring).
From there we continued on to FuBar. I was having a great time with the boys. While there, I got a call from the Stallion. He wanted to know where I was. I told him, and he said he would meet us shortly. At around 1:30 am, NextDoorNeighbor and John said that they were tired and wanted to head home. I asked them to wait around with me until the Stallion arrived. (After that assault experience back in October I vowed never to be drunk and alone in a bar where I don't know anyone. For more on that, see my February 5th post). Of course, they agreed.
The Stallion arrived just a little while later and all four of us hung out. NextDoorNeighbor and John later told me that they thought the Stallion was a "great guy."
"I just can't believe that that's the guy who roughed you up like that!" NextDoorNeighbor said. "He was so friendly and outgoing and just... really nice!"
"Charming, right?" I said.
"Yeah! That's exactly it."
"Well, what do you expect?" I asked him. "They always are!"
Anyway, I digress. Back to my narrative--
NextDoorNeighbor and John headed out; the Stallion and I stayed for a few more rounds. We were sitting on a sofa in the back of the bar. He started kissing me. That was okay, but when he started going up my shirt, I kind of pushed him off. I'm not entirely comfortable doing that kind of thing in public. So I suggested that we head home instead.
The next hour or so is little hazy in my memory. We got back to my place at around 2:30 am, where we enjoyed a lot of "medicine" and a lot of sex. Then, for some reason, I started insisting that I needed a cup of tea. I think I wanted to see if Cheers was still open, but didn't want to tell the Stallion that, since he decided he's "uncomfortable" there. To be honest, though-- I'm not really sure what I was thinking! I told him that he had to walk me across the street to the deli. We must have been quiet a sight. We were both wrecked! Drunk, high, and rumpled from sex. Cheers was closed, so I guess it was already around 4:00 am.
Back at my place, we had more sex, and then I remember feeling really messed up. The Stallion told me to do a few more lines. He said it would help.
"But I already feel fucked," I protested.
"No, trust me. I promise you that it'll help."
I did what he said. I always trust him in those situations. He's always been really good to me like that. I thought of that time last summer when I passed out, crashing to the floor during sex. He carried me to the couch and revived me with ice. It was sweet. Plus, he's an expert at drugs and booze and has always been the greatest at helping me come down. (Maybe he's not so bad after all...)
Then more fucking. My memory is blurry here, so I'm not sure of the sequence of things.
What I do remember is my cell phone ringing at 4:45. Who was it?
Yup! You guessed it--My Narc! Holy Shit!!!
I was fucking shocked. Why? Well, do you remember the last time I heard from him?
If you have an excellent memory for these things, I advise you to skip this part. For those of you who need a little catch up, here's a brief timeline of my interactions with Narc since our "breakup:"
The Timeline:
Second of all--Happy Happy Birthday to my Stepbrother!!! He's 18 as of two days ago. I love him so much!
And now for my post (take 2):
Let me just start by saying that Mr. Hyde was out in full force this Friday! I can't fucking believe the way that I behaved. Damn! I still haven't even processed it. I do have to warn you though-- this post is really long. However, I promise you-- there's a lot of drama and it's a good story, so I hope you bear with me. I also have to warn you, dear readers, that in some places there may be a little "too much information," (if you know what I mean), but never gratuitously-- only when a necessary part of my narrative. That said-- If you don't wanna know, don't read on.
So what happened? Let's put it this way-- by 5:30 am on Friday night, the Stallion and Narc were both here with me in my apartment! (Well, no... It's not quite as naughty as it sounds... But even so, it was an unforgettably strange evening.)
What exactly transpired?
May I present to you "Hyde's Unbelievable Friday Night"
After teaching on Friday I spent several hours in my office blogging. Over the course of the afternoon, the Stallion had left me several messags on my voicemail, and I wasn't quite sure how to respond or what to do about it. If you recall, he had wanted to get together the afternoon I spent with Bezoukhoff and I blew him off. He was pretty persistent. I guess he still had that "phone sex" phone call on the mind. In any event, either I had to call him back, or make the decision to write him off altogether.
I still had Narc on the mind as well. I decided that I couldn't resist forwarding him the NY Post article on "Drunk-Texting." I sent it to him as an email attachment with the following message:
Hey Narc,
I've figured out by now that you're not talking to me, and that's totally okay. So this message means nothing, except that I couldn't resist sending you this. My friend sent me this article and I thought it was too funny in light of the stupid messages we've left each other. Coming from my end, hope they haven't been TOO awful and I hope that you're doing well.
So, enjoy!
Seriously--
Wishing you all the happiness in the world while you're doing your thing...
H
That evening I had plans to accompany NextDoorNeighbor and a visiting friend of his (John) to a comedy show in the Village. While we agreed to meet at 6:30, I ended up running late. As I scurried to the subway, I was fucking freezing. I was underdressed for the weather and it rained on me too! I was not in a good mood.
When I arrived back at my place, NextDoorNeighbor came by and told me that the show started at 8:30. They were heading downtown early. I told him that I'd meet them there, as I wanted time to get changed and to grab something for dinner.
As I got ready, the Stallion continued to weigh on my mind. I decided to make the call. He was definitely happy to hear from me.
"What's up girl? When can I see you? I've got to see you this weekend!"
He went on to tell me the various things that he wanted to "do to me."
"I don't know, Stallion. I definitely can't meet up tomorrow because I'm going to Long Island," I said.
"Well, I guess that just leaves us tonight."
"Well, actually... I can't tonight. I have plans with my neighbor," I told him. "We're going to see a comedy show."
"Maybe we can hook up after that? I might be in the city."
"Yeah, sure, I guess... If it works out." I was hesitant. "But I'm warning you-- it's gonna be a drinking night. And I know you weren't all that cool with the way things were the last time we hung out and drank."
"Well, that's okay," he said. "But I was kind of hoping we could make it a 'stay at home with a movie' night. More 'play' that way."
(What? I've NEVER had that kind of a night with the Stallion, and frankly I couldn't even imagine it. What the hell would we talk about?)
"We'll have to save that for another day," I said. "But I can give you a call when we get out of the show. I'm really not sure what we're doing after that though, so don't make your plans around me. If it works out and we meet up, then fine. But I can't guarantee it..."
"Ok."
After that, I spent so much time perfecting my makeup that I didn't get out of the house until around 8:10. I still hadn't eaten dinner, but I wanted to stop into Cheers and say hi to everyone. What to do? Dinner or a drink? (How well do you know Hyde and her priorities?) I did a few lines to quash my hunger and popped by Cheers for a quick whiskey. Finally, I headed downtown.
The comedy show was pretty entertaining and NextDoorNeighbor, John and I each had a few rounds there. After that, we headed around the corner to a lounge called "Alibi" on McDougal. It was still really early (probably only 11:00) so the place was pretty empty. I was starting to feel my liquor and began to flirt with John. (I was just in that kind of mood, you know?) NextDoorNeighbor laughed and told John that I had "the most colorful life" of anyone he knows. I took it upon myself to "play the part."
All three of us were getting a little drunk. I was behaving quiet audaciously. John is the shy and quiet type. He said that he doesn't party all that much and I could see that he was definitely taken aback at some of the things that came flying out of my mouth. I thought it was fun to shock him. NextDoorNeighbor knows all of my stories--Narc, the Stallion and more, and he cheerfully brought up a few of them in front of John. John told me that "if he had a girl like me, he wouldn't treat her that way." It was sweet-- a shy guy's brand of flirting. He managed to flirt without being direct enough to take any kind of real risk. I thought it was cute and the whole thing put me in a good mood.
After an hour or so at "Alibi" I was just drunk enough to think that I wanted to call the Stallion. I told him that the three of us were probably heading back uptown in just a little while, and that he should call me if he were going to be in the city.
"What are you up to now?" I asked.
"Just kickin' it," he said. (Yay! My favorite Stallion expression!) "But I'll definitely see you later, girl!"
NextDoorNeighbor and John were psyched to check out karaoke at Cheers. I had no objections. After all, as you know, I love it there. As we walked in, I was approached by a drunk yet familiar face.
"Hey!" he exclaimed. "I know you! You're that girl who's the really good singer!"
"What's up?" I said.
"Do you remember me?"
I did, but I couldn't really place him. Where the fuck did I know him from? (Or should I say WHEN did I know him from?) Hmm... Oh! That's right, I got it! He was the guy that VJ flirted with the night that she was there when I smoked up with NextDoorNeighbor and then all three of us went to Cheers after. That was night I thought she and NextDoorNeighbor had a "budding romance."
"I do remember you," I said.
"My name?"
"Um, yeah.... Your name is.... um... Jeremy!"
Who the fuck knows how I remembered that! Especially with all of my drunken memory loss! I'm sure that if you had asked me his name sober, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. Strange, n'est pas?
Jeremy asked me to sing the song that I always sing.
"Why don't you give the slip to BarMan?" I suggested. "That way he'll call it sooner. I just got here, so if I turn it in, I'll go on the end of the list."
As Jeremy submitted my song, I scanned the crowd for the boys I came in with. I bumped into BulgarianGuy and we said our hello's. I also passed by BarMan's bizarre curly-haired date from the previous night. She seemed happy to see me-- I guess she didn't know anyone else there. I talked to her for little while. Then I found NextDoorNeighbor and John at a side table. I was frustrated though, because BarMan still hadn't called my song. I decided to ask him why not.
"Sorry, Hyde," he said. "PumpedUp gave me directions not to call any 'slower songs' until later in the night."
"What?" I was really annoyed.
I went directly to PumpedUp to ask him what was up with the new policy. He basically repeated just what BarMan had told me. I was pissed off, but knew I was too drunk to argue and besides, there was no point. No reason to make things uncomfortable. I didn't feel like sticking around there though. I was in "Hyde-mode," and Hyde is definitely a lot less docile and agreeable than Jekyll! I marched back over to our table and told the boys that I wanted to leave.
"Here, go pay my tab," I said, pressing several bills into NextDoorNeighbor's hand.
"But I just put up 'Summer Nights' for us," he said.
"Well, I'm pissed, so I'm leaving now." I strutted towards the door.
(I guess I can be a bit of a bitch. But I was upset, and missing the chance to sing a lame duet while drunk with someone who can't stay on pitch didn't seem like such a loss!)
The two boys followed.
"Where to next?" I asked.
"FuBar?" NextDoorNeighbor suggested.
On the way up there we passed Manchester Pub.
"We have to go in for one of Maeve's White Russians!" I said.
I promised that we would only stay for one drink. (I think it ended up being three).
There, I struck up a converstaion with some British guy who was in town for the weekend. I gave him my number, but had no intention of ever returning his call. Like I said-- I was just in a flirty mood. (He called on Saturday. I got his message while I was at my parent's place. I have to say-- in that context, it was a little jarring).
From there we continued on to FuBar. I was having a great time with the boys. While there, I got a call from the Stallion. He wanted to know where I was. I told him, and he said he would meet us shortly. At around 1:30 am, NextDoorNeighbor and John said that they were tired and wanted to head home. I asked them to wait around with me until the Stallion arrived. (After that assault experience back in October I vowed never to be drunk and alone in a bar where I don't know anyone. For more on that, see my February 5th post). Of course, they agreed.
The Stallion arrived just a little while later and all four of us hung out. NextDoorNeighbor and John later told me that they thought the Stallion was a "great guy."
"I just can't believe that that's the guy who roughed you up like that!" NextDoorNeighbor said. "He was so friendly and outgoing and just... really nice!"
"Charming, right?" I said.
"Yeah! That's exactly it."
"Well, what do you expect?" I asked him. "They always are!"
Anyway, I digress. Back to my narrative--
NextDoorNeighbor and John headed out; the Stallion and I stayed for a few more rounds. We were sitting on a sofa in the back of the bar. He started kissing me. That was okay, but when he started going up my shirt, I kind of pushed him off. I'm not entirely comfortable doing that kind of thing in public. So I suggested that we head home instead.
The next hour or so is little hazy in my memory. We got back to my place at around 2:30 am, where we enjoyed a lot of "medicine" and a lot of sex. Then, for some reason, I started insisting that I needed a cup of tea. I think I wanted to see if Cheers was still open, but didn't want to tell the Stallion that, since he decided he's "uncomfortable" there. To be honest, though-- I'm not really sure what I was thinking! I told him that he had to walk me across the street to the deli. We must have been quiet a sight. We were both wrecked! Drunk, high, and rumpled from sex. Cheers was closed, so I guess it was already around 4:00 am.
Back at my place, we had more sex, and then I remember feeling really messed up. The Stallion told me to do a few more lines. He said it would help.
"But I already feel fucked," I protested.
"No, trust me. I promise you that it'll help."
I did what he said. I always trust him in those situations. He's always been really good to me like that. I thought of that time last summer when I passed out, crashing to the floor during sex. He carried me to the couch and revived me with ice. It was sweet. Plus, he's an expert at drugs and booze and has always been the greatest at helping me come down. (Maybe he's not so bad after all...)
Then more fucking. My memory is blurry here, so I'm not sure of the sequence of things.
What I do remember is my cell phone ringing at 4:45. Who was it?
Yup! You guessed it--My Narc! Holy Shit!!!
I was fucking shocked. Why? Well, do you remember the last time I heard from him?
If you have an excellent memory for these things, I advise you to skip this part. For those of you who need a little catch up, here's a brief timeline of my interactions with Narc since our "breakup:"
The Timeline:
- Tuesday, Feb. 21st: My brother's accident
- Friday, Feb. 25th: Narc treats me like shit and I leave him a "goodbye forever" note.
- Wednesday, March 2nd: He agrees we that shouldn't see each other anymore. ("The Breakup")
- Friday, March 11th: Narc leaves me several drunk messages.
- The following week: I leave Narc several drunk messages.
- Thursday, March 17th: Drunk Narc calls me. I talk to him for an hour in the middle of the night.
- Sunday, March 20th: I go down to see Narc. We sleep together, but I don't stay over.
- The following week: I call Narc (drunk and sober) several times.
- Sunday March 27th: Narc texts me at 7:30 am that he's "just getting home" but to "Have a great Easter!"
- The following week: I drunk call and drunk text Narc a few more times.
- Thursday, March 31: Narc texts me that he's "off the radar" and "seeing someone else." I shouldn't contact him again. (I'm in a "Cold Crater.")
- Monday, April 4th: Narc calls me drunk and we have a long conversation in which he calls me a bitch, tells me to "shut the fuck up" and concludes by leaving an incoherent message on my voice mail at 5:00 am.
- That week: I'm off alcohol. NO CONTACT WITH NARC
- The week of April 11th: Half the week still off alcohol. NO CONTACT WITH NARC
- Monday, April 18th: Drunk-dialed Narc a few times.
- Tuesday, April 19th: Drunk-texted Narc several more times.
- Friday, April 22nd: Sent Narc that email, and then got this call from him!!! He had not contacted me since April 4th!!!
Okay, so now you understand why I was so psyched to see Narc's number appear on my phone. Of course, (even though I was with the Stallion), I picked up the phone.
Our conversation started off like a typical Hyde-Narc exchange. Narc wanted me to come down to his place and fuck him. (Yes, even after all that! This guy has balls, I'll give him that.) I told him that I couldn't--after all, I had someone at my place. Narc thought I was making that up.
"If you don't want to come down here, at least let me come up there. I have to see you, Hyde."
(I thought of the drunk-text I sent him the night I was out with Hammer. I wrote him to "come fuck me" and left him my address.)
I repeated to him that I had company and that I couldn't meet him. Narc told me to "kick the guy out." I told him that I couldn't.
"Yes you can, Hyde. I want to see you and I know you want to see me. You do want to see me don't you?"
"Narc, you know I do. You know how I feel about you. I've never been fickle about that."
"Well, if it's not tonight, it might not happen," he said.
"What are you saying? Are you giving me some sort of ultimatum?"
"It's not an ultimatum. It's just that, well, yeah... maybe it is. It is now or never, I guess. I just haven't been going out like I used to, Hyde. And you know we shouldn't be seeing each other. So do I. But I'm out now; I'm drunk now; and I want you now. Right? Did you hear me? I'm out, I'm drunk, I called. Now what are you going to about it?"
"We can't do this, Narc. It's crazy."
"Where do you live again?"
"I just wrote to you where I live the other night."
"I mean your apartment number..."
I told him.
My stomach was flipping over. I wanted to see him so badly. But what the fuck was I doing? I was with the Stallion!
"No, Narc. I mean, I want you to... but I can't do this. This is fucking crazy! It's just way too crazy! I can't! I'm with someone and--"
"Shut the fuck up with that. Just stop. I'm on my way."
He hung up on me. I looked at the Stallion. He looked back at me like I was out of my fucking mind. Honestly-- I'm starting to think that I am.
"What the fuck was that?" he asked.
"Um, that was Narc." I said. "I've told you about Narc, and um... I guess he's coming here."
"What the hell is wrong with you Hyde? What's he gonna do to me when he sees me here?" The Stallion was getting upset. "I can't fucking believe it. Your boyfriend is coming here now! Is he violent?"
I guess the Stallion was worried that Narc was coming to beat the shit out of him. (The Stallin would win that one, no contest, anyway).
"No, no, no! It's not like that," I said. "First of all, he's not really my boyfriend so there's not a 'jealousy' thing. And he's not violent. Don't worry."
"I don't know. I don't like this. I think I better just go."
"No. You can't!" I insisted.
"Why not?"
"Because I won't do that to you," I told him. "I'm not about to kick you out of my house after fucking you for hours! Plus, you're drunk, you're high and it's 5:30 in the morning!"
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" he asked. "Just what do you see happening here?"
"I don't know," I said. I was getting stressed. "Just sleep here. I'll handle the situation, okay? I'm not kicking you out though. I'm not the kind of person that would do that to you."
Again, he looked at me like I was crazy. Our conversation went on like that for a bit longer.
"Well, where are my clothes?"
"In the living room. Hold up. I'll get them."
I went into the other room and scooped up all of his things from where they had been haphazardly flung in the heat of passion just a few hours earlier. I put his stuff in my bedroom and went into the bathroom to check myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. My eyes were red and dialated. My mascara had smudged all over under my eyes leaving huge black circles. My hair stuck out in every direction. I had five minutes to fix it. I washed my makeup off and brushed my teeth. I combed my hair down and went back out to check on the Stallion.
Just then, the buzzer rang.
"Hyde? There's a Narc here to see you?"
"Send him up!"
My heart was pounding. I gave the Stallion a quick kiss and closed him into my bedroom. The doorbell rang. It was weird to see Narc standing there when I opened the door. I hadn't seen in him in a whole month! He grabbed me and started kissing me.
"So where's this guy you have 'stashed here' Hyde?"
I think he still thought I was lying about that.
"He's in my bedroom," I said. "Don't worry about it. We can sleep out here."
I started to open the pull-out sofa. I couldn't believe what I was doing.
"Do you want something to drink, Narc? Or some blow? It's all over there." I gestured to the dining table.
Shit. I needed sheets for the sofa bed and that meant going into the bedroom. I softly knocked on the door and went in.
"Stallion? It's just me. I just need to get sheets."
He was laying in the bed. He didn't answer. I tip-toed over to the drawer and got what I needed, heading back into the living room to finish making up the bed. (I can't believe I did all of that drunk. I guess adrenaline had kicked in!)
Narc and I collapsed into bed and went at it for a few hours. Again, my memory here gets fuzzy. Eventually we fell asleep.
The next morning, slightly disoriented, I opened my sticky eyes at around 9:30. (Only about two and a half hours of sleep, but I didn't feel it... must be the "medicine.") I was laying naked next to Narc. Holy shit! Everything started to rush back to me. I moved to get out of the bed. Narc pulled me back in.
"Hold on, a sec," I said. "I'll come back. I just want to check and see if he's still here."
I trepidatioulsy approached the bedroom. The bed was empty.
I was suddenly flooded with guilt. Shit. I felt like a total asshole. What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!? How could I have treated the Stallion that way? How could I treat anyone that way? I'm SUCH an asshole! I felt awful--just drowning in so many mixed emotions that I couldn't deal with it. And Narc in my living room to top it all off!
I went back to the sofa bed and snuggled up next to him. The next few hours I spent being in love again with Narc. It was a lot of sex and a lot of conversation, and this time, felt "real" in a new way. (I know you're probably sick of hearing me say that it was "different" with him "this time," but I really felt like it was!)
At one point my phone rang, but I didn't pick it up. Later I went to check the machine.
The automated voice reported: "You havee 19 old messages and 1 new message."
"19 old messages? Damn, Hyde, why don't you erase some of those?" he asked. "I always keep my mailboxes empty."
"Whatever," I said. "Almost all of them are from you anyway. I can't erase them."
I felt embarassed almost as soon as I said it. He gave me a funny look.
"Well, I did get myself to erase most of the messages you left on my cell phone. I only have about six of them still saved. But here, I have them all--even from the first time you ever called me back in July...for the date that never happened."
"What do you mean the 'date that never happened'?" he asked.
"Well, you asked me out for martinis, remember? But we've never really been on a date."
"It's not good to save things, Hyde," he said. "You can't live with the past all around you. It's not healthy. The past is meaningless. It keeps you in chains. You'll never be happy unless you can free yourself from all of that."
"Live without the past!" I exclaimed. "I don't think so! I love living with the past all around me. I chronicle every fucking thing that happens! Sometimes, it's all that matters to me. My connection with the past links me to the future. That's the only religion I have. I'm a fucking historian, for Christ's sake! I want to devote my life to obsessing about the past!"
He laughed when I said that. I got up and walked over to one of my many "memory boxes"--places where I toss old business cards, drunken-scribbled-upon napkins, ticket stubs, concert programs, and various other relics that compose the record of my life. I pulled out a sheet of paper. On it it were the words "The Landmark Forum." It was in Narc's handwriting.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Don't you remember? From the first time you were here in July? You wrote this down for me. I saved it."
He looked moved by that, but he also like he thought I was crazy. (Jeez, how many "crazy" looks can one girl get in a weekend?)
"You shouldn't have saved it," he said. He looked down. "You know that I think we're bad for eachother. I know that you say you 'love me,' but you really shouldn't. It's not right for you."
I was surprised. That's the first time I've ever heard Narc say anything regarding my feelings.
Later we moved into the bedroom for more sex. Afterwards, we lay there talking for a while. Narc told me that he's been depressed lately. I said that I've been having a rough time too.
"These things go in cycles, though," I said. "They usually pass."
"Not for me, they don't," he said "With me, it's always been there. Well, for a few years in college when I was really busy with my dot-com thing, it was a litle better. I felt more connected. But aside from that, I've always felt such an enormous disconnect. I live completely in my head. It's a prison. I can't feel. And it sucks because I know that until I can really feel the sadness, I'll never feel the happiness either. That's what I've been working on with my 'guru,' you know? But none of it's working. I feel the same now as I did six months ago."
My heart swelled up.
"Narc, I do know how you feel. It might seem like we're polar opposites sometimes because I can be all emotion. But that's only because the rest of the time, I don't have access to those emotions at all. Trust me--I'm trapped in my head in just the same way, and I have been for a long time. For me, I've been working on anger issues lately. And it's like, I can't or won't let myself feel anger. Instead, it all comes out as sadness. The emotional circuit for anger is completley cut off. And as long as I continue to cut off certain emotions, I'll never really feel connected to anything either. I always feel isolated from the world--completley alone--like I'm living in a cage, or there's some huge thick glass wall between me and everything else. But I have to know that I built that wall. I isolated myself. It's all coping mechanisms."
"I do know that," he said. "But even knowing it, I can't get out of it. It's like my hyper-protective mind is doing its job a little too perfectly."
He told me that one of his best friends just had a baby and that he wanted to feel so much for his friend. Yet, when his friend gave him the news, in truth, he felt nothing and just went through the motions of congratulating him.
"Narc, I know what it is to feel nothing." (I thought of how I felt "nothing" when I found out my dad died. I was always mad at myself for that.) "Why do you think I run around all the time like a mad-woman, filling in every single empty space in my life?"
He didn't answer. He just looked at me and gave me the most enormous bear-hug. At that moment, I felt so totally in love with him. He needs me so much, but will never be able to accept my help. At that moment, more than life itself, I just wanted him to be happy. But I can't make him happy. I felt the pain of that frustration.
He and I might both have problems, but I have the support of so many amazing friends and a loving family. I have absolutely no doubt that I'm going to work through all of my emotional stuff and come out at the other end a more "balanced" person. Narc, on the other hand, seems to be totally alone. I don't want him to be alone anymore. God damn it! It's breaking my heart even just to write this!
A little while later, we moved back into the living room. After more sex, we got into a long discussion about music. Narc was chain smoking. B called to tell me that there was a live broadcast of Die Walkure on the radio. That started our discussion. Narc told me about a paper he had written on Wagner and Nietzsche. I told him about the Adorno paper that I'm working on. He talked for while about Stockhausen (whom I don't know that much about). Then we got into talking about American Idol. I didn't even know he watched! We laughed about some of the contestants. I was very happy. He told me about a few of the films he's seen at the Tribeca Film Festival that's going on right now.
Then back to more sex. (I laughed in my head when our timing perfectly lined up with Domingo's "Notung! Notung!" exclamations. Too fucking funny!). Later we moved back over to the couch. It was then that something strange happened. Now, I don't mean to be too explicit, but this was a really odd moment. It was just about 1:00 in the afternoon and I was smack in the middle of going down on him when I heard the last thing I was ever expecting to hear.
"Hyde, I love you."
WHAT?!?!?
I stopped what I was doing. I was stunned.
"Wait, Narc... What did you just say?"
I looked up at him totally bewildered, my eyes widened. He looked back at me calmly.
"I love you, Hyde."
(Oh my God!)
"I really do love you. I know that I don't say it. But I thought you should hear that from me."
Fuck! I was caught so off guard that I didn't know what to say. Neither of us was drunk, no drugs, no late night passion. This was a flat-out straight-up sober statement of "love."
"Oh my god... Narc! Um..." I just stared at him, my heart totally full--well, not knowing what to feel. "Narc! Um... I can't...well... um...thank you?" I said timidly. I really didn't know what to say.
My heart was pounding though and I know that I must have had a huge smile plastered across my face. He looked at me and smiled akwardly. Suddenly there was a tremendous amount of tension in the air. Neither of us knew quiet what to do or say. Narc broke the silence.
"Well, don't stop what you're doing!" He laughed.
"Oh. Um... Ok."
I resumed and that was that. The moment had passed.
We hooked up for a while more. Then later, I jumped into the shower. Shortly after I got out, the doorbell rang. Narc was laying in my bed. I was undressed.
"Who the hell is that?" he asked.
"It's probably NextDoorNeighbor," I said. "Not a big deal, but hold on a sec." I threw a towel on and went to get the door. I was right. I told NextDoorNeighbor that I couldn't talk because I had "company."
"So the Stallion's still here?" He gave me a sly smile.
"Um...well, no. It's not the Stallion," I said.
"Wait, what? You've got another guy up here?!?! Hyde, you're CRAZY!!! Just be sure to give me the story later."
I promised I would. When I crawled back into bed with Narc, he asked me if I have alot of friends in the building.
"Um, yeah. I know both my neighbors on this floor, a guy on 14, the FourthFloorGirls, Druggie and his brother on 3, and, hmm... I guess that's it."
"I don't know anyone in my building," he told me. "I really need to meet some new people. I mean, CouchSleeper and James are all busy these days. James especially with the new kid and all."
"Why don't you throw a roof party?" I suggested. "NextDoorNeighbor and I are thinking of making one for the 'young people' in our building."
"At my place it's against regulations," he said.
"Well, that sucks." I gave him a hug. (I fucking love my Narc, you know? I don't want him to be sad.)
"I don't know Narc," I said. "You're just in transition. I had a few years like that too. I really didn't feel like myself, you know? It was some fucked up awful in-between phase. I hadn't fallen into a new niche, but at the same time the old one was gone!"
"Yeah, I guess," he said. "I don't know... I guess when we start shooting my film I'll make friends with that whole 'film' crowd."
"That's true," I said. "But, who do you talk to now? I don't get it. I mean... who do you talk to on a daily basis?"
"My schedule sucks," he said. "Basically, I wake up at 8:00 am or so. Then I write for a few hours. Then my trainer comes over. Normally we work out for three hours a day, five days a week. Can you tell, Hyde? Can you see the difference?"
"Definitely." (Actually, I could!)
"Then I shower, go for coffee at Moca or something. Then back home, eat dinner, and write for a few more hours, then sleep. I really haven't been drinking that much."
"That sounds like impossibly little human contact."
(Narc and I are so much the same! Remember my treatise on "all or nothingness?" Feast or Famine? He's just being Famine-Narc. I get that.)
"It is. I fucking hate it," he said. "But all my friends are coupled off. Besides, everything in New York involves drinking."
I wanted to tell him that it doesn't have to. I wanted to tell him that I would love to bum around with him and do nothing, or get dinner one night or just make him feel better however I could. But I didn't want to press him.
"It sounds like you just need one or two people who are on your schedule, and on your wavelength and who you can just call whenever to see what they're up to, you know? Doing a PhD is weird like that too. You need to be friends with other people who know what the process is like and what you're going through. It'll happen for you though."
"I fucking hate being a writer," he said. "It's such a prison. And meanwhile, I've been in NY for four years already and have not nearly enough to show for it."
"Don't be so hard on yourself."
"I don't think I'm being hard enough."
I didn't say anything, but instead just hugged him again.
It was getting to be late in the afternoon. I really had to get going if I was going to make my train to Long Island. I convinced him to "let me" get up and get dressed. He did the same. We decided to head out and get something for lunch.
"Let me just check my email before we go," I said.
"Oh, I finally updated my blog!" he told me. "As long as you're on the computer, go check it out."
I was psyched. He's had a blank page up since Novemeber. I would link to the address, but he uses his real name on it, and given that I haven't always depicted him in the most flattering light, I don't think it would be fair to him.
He has a lot of musings about various things posted. He also has photos of some half-naked girl sunbathing on the circle line cruise.
"Who's that?" I asked.
"That's just my friend Sharon. We did the half-island cruise this weekend."
(I've never heard mention of a Sharon).
On his blog he refers to her as "Roses in Bed Chick." Interesting... (I happen to know that Narc has a personal-ad posted on an online dating site. One of the questions they ask is "What will I find in your bedroom?" One of the items Narc lists--"roses." (Which I also happen to know not to be true.) But is this the girl he spent the night before Easter with? Ughh! I felt nauseated.)
While I was checking out his blog, I asked Narc if he wanted to do any more medicine. (Better to foist it off on company, right?) He said he would love to. I couldn't find my mirror, so I set him up with a CD cover. What CD did I choose? The soundtrack from the Rousseau play I saw with Hammer a few weeks ago--"Narcisse." I cracked myself up inside at my little joke.
We decided to go to Manchester for a bite. It was strange--I had been there with him on Valentine's Day weekend with Anxious the night before the infamous masturbation incident. We had a nice time this time around though, even though our conversation was a little morose. Narc's blog has an "underground man" theme, and he started to get all Doestoevsky-Existential on me. At one point in the conversation, I had to ask:
"Um...Narc, so what does all this mean now? I mean, are you going to go back to not talking to me? Am I allowed to call you again? What's the deal?"
I looked down at my plate uncomfortably.
"Of course you're allowed to call me. Just call me once, you know? If I don't call you back it's not that I didn't get your message, it just means that I'm holed up doing my thing for a while..."
I guess I looked a little sad.
"You seem to be doing fine for yourself, though," he said. "I mean, bringing some dude back home last night and all..."
"It's not like that was just some random guy, Narc," I said. "It's not like that... And it's not like I want to be running around with other guys. I wanted to be with you."
"I haven't been with anyone except you since you," he said.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know. It's just a fact."
(I thought of the "Roses in the Bed" thing, of his message the night before Easter, of his dates with the UN girl back in December (the one who called the cops on us) and of that trip to the Dominican Republic he took with some girl back in September. I didn't say anything though.)
"It's not like I'm sleeping around," I said. "I've known that guy for a while."
"What's a while?'" he asked.
You could tell he wanted to know if I was sleeping with the Stallion while I was "with" him.
"So you actually know that guy? I didn't think you knew him when I told you to kick him out."
"Well, yeah... I met him five years ago or so and then we met up this summer and had a fling. I found out he had a girlfriend, but didn't have to deal with the whole moral issue because he was moving back to California at the beginning of August. I bumped into him around the same time as I met you. Then he moved back here and you and I had broken it off, so..."
"Do you like him?"
"Not really... He's gotta be a bit of an asshole, fooling around with me when he's practically engaged. Also, we don't really have an intellectual connection and he was kind of rough with me at one point, when he thought I was flirting with another guy. That kind of upset me."
"So why are you wasting your time with him, Hyde?"
"I don't know... Lonliness, I guess? To keep things going? I don't know, to tell you the truth. I just have been in a kind of limbo since things changed with us. Plus, things have been hard with my stepbrother and all... To be honest though, I don't know."
"You shouldn't waste your time with people who aren't good people," he said. "When I first moved up here I had like a thousand people in my phone book. But it wasn't real. You know, those people aren't there for you, and it's a waste. You end up lowering yourself if you waste time with people who aren't quality. I have no time for that in my life."
"I couldn't live your life, though, Narc. I couldn't do all that time alone. I have to pack every second of the day (and night) if you haven't noticed."
"It's not going to make you feel any more connected though."
"I know."
He squeezed my hand. It was so sweet. I looked at my watch. I had to get going. We paid the check and headed out onto the street corner. Narc went to hail a cab. He said he was meeting some friends at Pastis and then was going to try to catch something at the film festival. I went to give him a hug and a kiss goodbye. He gave me a strong hug.
"I'll talk to you real soon," he said.
"Yeah, okay." I guess I looked like I didn't really believe him.
"No, really. Just give me a week to process, okay?" He looked away.
I was surprised that he even admitted needing to process! Usually his excuses are all about some "time constraint" or another.
"Okay. Bye."
I waved goodbye as the cab pulled away, Narc heading back into oblivion.
Since then, I've been so emotionally overwhelmed. I have been consumed with guilt for the way I treated the Stallion. (B says I shouldn't feel guilty. Not only is the Stallion using me, but he sexually brutalized me that one time.) Either way, I feel bad. I sent him the following text on Sunday:
I feel like such an asshole. Honestly--very confused right now about so many things & don't really know what to say. I'm sorry for how I treated you though. Truly.
I haven't heard back.
On Saturday I went to my parent's place. On Sunday I had a bridal shower in Jersey to attend. It took me so long to write this post, that there's already new developments, but I'll wait to post them. Narc sent me an email this morning; B and I argued about old issues, and I feel like somewhat of an emotional wreck. I'm glad to have the free time this week to get ahead on some work.
So that's my crazy story.
-unbelievable hyde-
Friday, April 22, 2005
Midweek-Midway
I'm feeling more grounded today. Yesterday was a majorly introspective day. It left me feeling a little raw and vulnerable, but I know that I need to just learn to accept some things. I guess that's hard for me. I can be such a fighter. Anyway, I guess I'll catch you guys up on the past two days.
The first half of Wednesday was pretty hellish. I was running on only about an hour and a half of sleep. But like I said--I started to feel better after my teaching. Also, I really need to stop beating myself up for things. So I tried to just "reframe" things in my head and start from scratch. (Remember--Choices, Hyde! Choices!) I survived my voice lesson (rather weakly) and my trip to the doctor. (My sugars are okay, but I have an "elevated liver enzyme" which could mean nothing, but it's giving me the creeps in light of all my drinking). Anyway, after that, I headed home to crash. I picked up a sandwich and flicked on "Dr. Phil." Bezoukhoff called to tell me that he was in the neighborhood. We had plans to get together. I told him to come by my place and that we could figure out what we wanted to do from there. (This was about 3:00 pm).
As it turns out, we ended up doing nothing but hanging out at my apartment all afternoon, but really--it was exactly what I needed. I had such a good time! One thing's for sure--I didn't want to hang out with the Stallion even though I had majorly led him on the night before. I just need a fucking break from drama. He called me three times or so that afternoon, but I never picked up the phone. Then I just sent him a text:
Hey, got your message. I'm just totally wiped out. As you know, I got NO sleep. So tonight's not really good. Maybe some other time??? :)
He called back and left a really nice message saying how he understood how tired I must be and that he hopes that I feel better. Good. So all is civil and he seems to respect me. (At least somewhat, right?)
Anyway, Bezoukoff was showing me pictures of his hometown (Moscow) on the internet. Someone (for some strange reason) photographed every building in the residential neighborhood where he grew up and had it posted on the web. Afterwards, I showed him some of my childhood pictures too. It was fun. Then we got even deeper into the photo thing and I showed him my entire St. Petersburg trip ('98) and photos from Summer '02 that I spent in London with a brief visit to Paris and Memphis at the end. (For the 25th anniversary of Elvis' death, of course!)
Later, Bezoukhoff took it upon himself to share with me what he calls the "Russian Jack Bauer." Well, you know me--I just can't seem to get enough of those ultra-intense manly government agents out to save the world! Apparently, this Soviet fellow (named Schtrilitz) is a big pop-culture figure from a Soviet TV series done in the '70s. He's a Soviet government worker who goes to Nazi Germany as a spy. There, he infiltrates the SS, posing as a Nazi spy. By the way--he's also fiercly loyal to the wife back home. What a man! I've pictured him below.
Schtirlitz
Speaking of "ideal" men, at some point the conversation turned to Elvis. I showed Bezoukhoff exerpts from "That's the Way it Is" and "the Comeback Special." (Oh, by the way, Hammer--I don't want to forget to tell you--Bezoukoff thinks he spotted the moment when Elvis comes in his pants. Remind me--it's during the sitdown sessions). I especially enjoyed the "If I Can Dream" sequence. (Yay!)
After that, I played a little piano. Now, I have to say-- I am not a pianist, but I clunked my way through two Beethoven Sonatas. Bezoukhoff seemed very appreciative of the performance. (In fact, so much so, that I suspect his compliments to have been given out of kindness alone). After that, I played him a few pieces that I wrote--starting with my "Neva" composition. I told him about my high-school dreams of being an historian/opera composer/costume (and makeup) designer/opera singer-performer. I whipped out some of that really old stuff I had done for my what was to be my "master opus"--an opera on the Russian Revolution. Shit. I wrote that stuff 10 years ago already! (Where does all the time go, Hyde? Where?) Bezoukhoff seemed really excited about the project. He wants to collaborate with me on it. I don't know if I can actually revive it. It was such an enormous part of such a different me. In any case, he had all sorts of ideas about where we can go with it. Frankly, I don't think I'm enough of a composer, but I certainly have ideas. I told him that I had gone as far as to write a whole play my senior year of high-school. I even did some lighting design and painted a poster for the play. I took out my portfolio of old paintings to show him and found the poster.
"How many more secret talents do you have, Hyde?" he asked.
It was nice to be appreciated. I pulled out some of my old sketch books and he looked through them. Something he said stuck with me though--He asked if the guys with whom I "spend time" (ie Narc and the Stallion) know anything about my talents and interests--that I play piano, sing, paint, draw, write, etc.
"Not really," I said. "Pretty much, they don't know me at all."
"That's what I thought," he said.
It made me think. Not so much about their shortcomings (and the fact that they're dismally uninterested in who I am as a person), but moreso about how I manage to keep so much of myself hidden away. In fact, it's never really occurred to me that anyone would be interested in that stuff. I just figure that men don't really care about that--about who I really am. I've never thought about sharing my inner-inner life. And I guess, in some ways, it's how I manage to put up with all of this shit from guys. It's not like being "discardable" by Narc (and the Stallion) doesn't hurt me... it does. But it never gets to me as much as it should, I think because I've never really shown myself to them. The person that they are demeaning isn't the "truest" me. It's just some "fun" girl. I don't know. I feel like my thoughts are getting muddled and I'm getting into things I don't want to blog about. Back to my story...
Bezoukhoff and I ordered in some Chinese food and decided to watch a movie. I wanted to watch Dracula (inspired by my cell phone ring), but I couldn't find my copy. (My house is such a fucking mess!) So instead, we watched The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari which I ordered on Netflix a while ago, but never got around to watching. It's a German Expressionist film made in 1919. Real creepy stuff, but in a way that I love. I was so exhausted from my meager sleep the night before that I drifted off during the movie. (It was probably around 11:00 pm). Bezoukhoff woke me when it was over and he headed home.
Thursday morning I slept in a bit. I wasted a good chunk of the morning watching stupid talk shows (like Maury and Montel). Then I did a few lines. (Why? I really don't know.) I didn't do too many though--not even enough for a come down. I had German class at 3:00 pm and hadn't done my homework, so I headed out to get lunch and do catch up on all of that. After German, I bought a pair of earrings and two rings really cheaply from a street vendor down by NYU. One of the rings and the earrings are shaped like snakes. Very cool. I said goodbye to Hammer because she's heading home to Phoenix for our spring break week.
I had to dash off to therapy and was running late. It was really a provocative session. I don't know... Too complicated to go into here, I think. After therapy, I walked home listening to my "Elvis in Memphis" CD. I stopped into Manchester and had a Jameson on the rocks. (Again-- Why? I don't know.) I only had one and then left. I was in a really strange mood. I went to pick up some Chinese for dinner. B called me on the phone and we talked for a while. Then I went home, watched Seinfeld and ate my dinner. I checked my email and got a slightly upsetting email from Anxious. (More on that later.) What to do next? I don't know... I did a few more lines. (Well, more like 8...) I watched "Law & Order" and then half an episode of "SVU" and started to feel a bit of a come-down. Shit! I panicked a bit (hate being alone for that), calmed myself down, and went to Cheers.
No matter what I did, though, I couldn't seem to shake my strange and pensive mood. I sat alone at Cheers for a while, sipping white wine while I journaled. (I know, kind of unbelievable, right? I have this insanely long blog AND I keep a hand-written journal regularly.) BarMan came by and gave me a pat on the shoulder. Last Saturday I had sent him a text:
Heard you're out sick. Feel better! Let me know if there's anything I can do!
"Thanks for the message, Hyde. It was really sweet of you."
"Oh, no problem. Are you feeling okay?" etc.
After a bit, NextDoorNeighbor popped in on his way home from the gym. "Hey Hyde! I thought I'd find you here!" I told him to pull up a chair. We ended up talking for quiet some time. It was a pretty intense discussion, I guess. After a while, he left. I saw OldTimer standing at the bar and went over to say hello. We had a funny conversation. He told me that if any guy ever tries "to get fresh with me" and gets too close, that I should just tell him to "leave some room for the Holy Ghost!" I can't wait for an opportunity to use that line!
Later, Anxious called me. Primarily she wanted to tell me how things went with her Spanish professor. She said that he told her that he was "so attracted to her" that he "couldn't resist her."
"Well, if you're not interested, he has to resist you," I said. "Otherwise that's sexual harassment."
She said he tried to kiss her again.
"You shouldn't have let that happen," I said. "Just write him a really cold and professional email and then don't see him outside of class."
"But I would like to be friends," she said. "Ughh...this always happens when I try to be friends with men. They always want something more."
"I don't know what to tell you," I said. "If you're that irresistable, maybe you just need to give up on the idea of his friendship. I would put a stop to it now though."
Later, she said that she was worried I was mad at her about the whole incident on Tuesday night in which she led Hammer to believe that I have a crush on Prof PP.
"I'm not mad at you, Anxious. I was just annoyed at the situation."
"I don't understand what the big deal is," she said.
"There is no big deal."
"If it's not true about Prof PP and I mixed things up, then Hammer should have just dropped it and left you alone," she said. "That's not very social behavior on her part, you know."
Whatever... I didn't feel like having this conversation. Especially if she was going to tell me my friends are "asocial."
"It's not about that," I said.
Then she implied that I have some major problem with relationships.
"You know, Hyde," she said. "This is the second time that I've walked into some situation and said or done something that has made you feel akward. I just can't keep track of your strange competitive power-struggle relationships with your friends."
"What are you talking about?!?!"
"Well, that thing between you and Narc-- it was all about a power struggle. You wanted to be in control, and when he flirted with me and masturbated in front of me, it gave him control and you felt foolish. But how was I to know that it was all about weird power-games between the two of you?"
"I wasn't playing a game with Narc. I didn't want to be in control," I said. "I only didn't want to be humiliated. There's a big difference. I mean, all I wanted was to maintain a modicum of human dignity. Not to be a control freak. What does that have to do with this anyway?"
"Well, why would you care what Hammer thought unless you're competitive with her too?"
"I wasn't 'competitive' with Narc and I'm not competitive with Hammer."
"Well, like I said... I just think that it's weird that I walked into some weird situation of yours twice. I just don't know how I keep stumbling into your bizarre relationship dynamics."
"That doesn't happen with my other friends," I told her. "Maybe the problem is with you, not with me."
To make matters worse, I was annoyed at something else Anxious did. I had to bring it up to her. Like I mentioned earlier, she had just sent me an email--an "apology" email about the whole Prof PP thing. Nice enough, but two things in her email really bothered me. First of all, I had been pretty open with her about having issues with anger--being able to get appropriately angry at people like Narc, not wanting to be a push-over, etc. In her email she said:
I think getting in touch with your anger and all is just great, but I sure hope it's not going to be directed at me on a regular basis.
It really upset me because I feel like she took something I told her in a sensitive moment and threw it back at me at her own convenience--just to exonerate herself and to make my feelings and reactions seem irrational--just a part of my "emotional problems." Secondly, she said the following:
You know I am good at keeping secrets and have the common sense to be discreet about obviously sensitive things -- "INCIDENT X," liaisons of various kinds, the Narcissist encounter, etc.
The only thing is, Anxious didn't write "Incident X." She spelled out an incident that is SO insanely sensitive that I can't even say it outloud (let alone in writing). I only told her after knowing her for 9 years and even then, only because I was drunk. I was furious that she would drop it into casual conversation and I felt completely knocked off guard and really very unsettled. I think it's one of the reasons that I ended up "re-medicating" and heading out to Cheers.
I told Anxious that I didn't ever want her to mention it again and that it is NOT fair game to be used in a stupid email argument to prove her loyalty.
"Well, maybe you should just let some of that go, Hyde. Who cares about your secrets, you know?"
"It's not about secrets," I said. "It's about the way I cope. I compartmentalize, and I can't be caught off guard like that. I wasn't expecting you to say that."
"Well, I don't know how you can stay so compartmentalized. That just seems like such an unhappy way to me."
This conversation was much longer than I care to detail right now. The bottom line--by the end of it, I felt like I was on the verge of tears. It's just none of her fucking business how I handle my emotions. She really knows very little about my internal life, and I don't have to justify it to her.
"Okay, Anxious. Well, I'm not mad at you. But I'm tired of drama right now. I've gotta go."
"Okay! Good night!" After hanging up with Anxious, I moved over to the bar. BarMan was there with a girl. I later found out it was a quasi-date. It really surprised me because she's not what I would have expected. Up until now, I've only seen him with girls in their 20's who are kind of athletic/pony-tail/girl next-door types. This woman looked significantly older (maybe 35, whereas BarMan is 28), and she wasn't the cute-sporty type at all. She had wild curly hair and dark lipstick and I didn't think she was all that attractive. (But maybe I'm being too picky on his behalf because of my crush on him.) BarMan introducted me to her as "his friend." I thought that was nice. She was really weird though. He got up and left for a minute and she told me that someone was writing a book about her.
"Oh, really?" I asked. "What do you do?"
"Well, I'm a publicist. But he's not writing it about what I do. He's writing it about my mind."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, this guy I met--he thinks I have just a fascinating mind and he wants to write a study on me."
"Oh. Well, is he writing it already?"
"No, he hasn't started."
(Tell me that's not weird, you know?)
She left the bar around 12:15 am because she said she was getting tired. Just a half hour later or so, she sent BarMan a few texts. He showed them to me and to IrishBird. I think she annoyed him a little. She basically invited him over in the first one (he was technically working, so he couldn't leave), and in the second one she was trying to be all sexy and told him that she was "in a bubble bath." I wanted to crack up, but I bit my lip not to. I didn't want to embarass him.
After that, BarMan busted out a crossword puzzle. Not much else was going on, so I decided I wanted to help him. Of course, I was loving it, because it meant that I had to pull up my chair next to his and lean over him to see the page. We were sitting so close that our shoulders kept touching, and of course, my crush was raging. I was getting a lot of the clues and IrishBird was quiet impressed.
"I can't believe it, Hyde! I would be on my back if I'd had nearly as much to drink as you!"
"Yeah, but it's only wine, IrishBird. Don't forget--I'm used to whiskey."
BarMan told me that if I'm trying to switch to wine, I should try some Pinot Noir.
The crossword was in the NY Post. When he flipped the page and there was an article in there about "Drunk-Texting." I thought it was funny because Hammer had just emailed me that article that afternoon. BarMan said that he had drunk texted a few times.
"A few times?" I said. "I'm an expert at drunk texting. Just ask Narc."
Grr... Now I was thinking of Narc again. After a while, no one was left there except for me, IrishBird and BarMan. I gave them each a hug goodbye and headed home. It was around 1:45.
When I got home, I had some serious Narc cravings. I was still kind of wired from my earlier indulgences. Also, I was still feeling really emotionally strange. I read my email and checked out the blogs and then tried to get myself to bed. I really wanted to call Narc though...or the Stallion... or someone! I hate being a "good girl" sometimes. I hadn't even looked for an "all-night" distraction, and then when I got home, I kind of regretted it. I just had to remind myself that I would feel good about my choice in the morning. Especially since the alarm was set for 7:00 and I had lost almost a full night of sleep this week already.
Today I taught all day. Just got through a little while ago. More "Rise of Fascism" and "WWII." Dramatic stuff. Tonight I'm supposed to hang out with NextDoorNeighbor and his friend who's in from out of town.
Hope you all have a good weekend!
-Hyde
The first half of Wednesday was pretty hellish. I was running on only about an hour and a half of sleep. But like I said--I started to feel better after my teaching. Also, I really need to stop beating myself up for things. So I tried to just "reframe" things in my head and start from scratch. (Remember--Choices, Hyde! Choices!) I survived my voice lesson (rather weakly) and my trip to the doctor. (My sugars are okay, but I have an "elevated liver enzyme" which could mean nothing, but it's giving me the creeps in light of all my drinking). Anyway, after that, I headed home to crash. I picked up a sandwich and flicked on "Dr. Phil." Bezoukhoff called to tell me that he was in the neighborhood. We had plans to get together. I told him to come by my place and that we could figure out what we wanted to do from there. (This was about 3:00 pm).
As it turns out, we ended up doing nothing but hanging out at my apartment all afternoon, but really--it was exactly what I needed. I had such a good time! One thing's for sure--I didn't want to hang out with the Stallion even though I had majorly led him on the night before. I just need a fucking break from drama. He called me three times or so that afternoon, but I never picked up the phone. Then I just sent him a text:
Hey, got your message. I'm just totally wiped out. As you know, I got NO sleep. So tonight's not really good. Maybe some other time??? :)
He called back and left a really nice message saying how he understood how tired I must be and that he hopes that I feel better. Good. So all is civil and he seems to respect me. (At least somewhat, right?)
Anyway, Bezoukoff was showing me pictures of his hometown (Moscow) on the internet. Someone (for some strange reason) photographed every building in the residential neighborhood where he grew up and had it posted on the web. Afterwards, I showed him some of my childhood pictures too. It was fun. Then we got even deeper into the photo thing and I showed him my entire St. Petersburg trip ('98) and photos from Summer '02 that I spent in London with a brief visit to Paris and Memphis at the end. (For the 25th anniversary of Elvis' death, of course!)
Later, Bezoukhoff took it upon himself to share with me what he calls the "Russian Jack Bauer." Well, you know me--I just can't seem to get enough of those ultra-intense manly government agents out to save the world! Apparently, this Soviet fellow (named Schtrilitz) is a big pop-culture figure from a Soviet TV series done in the '70s. He's a Soviet government worker who goes to Nazi Germany as a spy. There, he infiltrates the SS, posing as a Nazi spy. By the way--he's also fiercly loyal to the wife back home. What a man! I've pictured him below.
Schtirlitz
Speaking of "ideal" men, at some point the conversation turned to Elvis. I showed Bezoukhoff exerpts from "That's the Way it Is" and "the Comeback Special." (Oh, by the way, Hammer--I don't want to forget to tell you--Bezoukoff thinks he spotted the moment when Elvis comes in his pants. Remind me--it's during the sitdown sessions). I especially enjoyed the "If I Can Dream" sequence. (Yay!)
After that, I played a little piano. Now, I have to say-- I am not a pianist, but I clunked my way through two Beethoven Sonatas. Bezoukhoff seemed very appreciative of the performance. (In fact, so much so, that I suspect his compliments to have been given out of kindness alone). After that, I played him a few pieces that I wrote--starting with my "Neva" composition. I told him about my high-school dreams of being an historian/opera composer/costume (and makeup) designer/opera singer-performer. I whipped out some of that really old stuff I had done for my what was to be my "master opus"--an opera on the Russian Revolution. Shit. I wrote that stuff 10 years ago already! (Where does all the time go, Hyde? Where?) Bezoukhoff seemed really excited about the project. He wants to collaborate with me on it. I don't know if I can actually revive it. It was such an enormous part of such a different me. In any case, he had all sorts of ideas about where we can go with it. Frankly, I don't think I'm enough of a composer, but I certainly have ideas. I told him that I had gone as far as to write a whole play my senior year of high-school. I even did some lighting design and painted a poster for the play. I took out my portfolio of old paintings to show him and found the poster.
"How many more secret talents do you have, Hyde?" he asked.
It was nice to be appreciated. I pulled out some of my old sketch books and he looked through them. Something he said stuck with me though--He asked if the guys with whom I "spend time" (ie Narc and the Stallion) know anything about my talents and interests--that I play piano, sing, paint, draw, write, etc.
"Not really," I said. "Pretty much, they don't know me at all."
"That's what I thought," he said.
It made me think. Not so much about their shortcomings (and the fact that they're dismally uninterested in who I am as a person), but moreso about how I manage to keep so much of myself hidden away. In fact, it's never really occurred to me that anyone would be interested in that stuff. I just figure that men don't really care about that--about who I really am. I've never thought about sharing my inner-inner life. And I guess, in some ways, it's how I manage to put up with all of this shit from guys. It's not like being "discardable" by Narc (and the Stallion) doesn't hurt me... it does. But it never gets to me as much as it should, I think because I've never really shown myself to them. The person that they are demeaning isn't the "truest" me. It's just some "fun" girl. I don't know. I feel like my thoughts are getting muddled and I'm getting into things I don't want to blog about. Back to my story...
Bezoukhoff and I ordered in some Chinese food and decided to watch a movie. I wanted to watch Dracula (inspired by my cell phone ring), but I couldn't find my copy. (My house is such a fucking mess!) So instead, we watched The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari which I ordered on Netflix a while ago, but never got around to watching. It's a German Expressionist film made in 1919. Real creepy stuff, but in a way that I love. I was so exhausted from my meager sleep the night before that I drifted off during the movie. (It was probably around 11:00 pm). Bezoukhoff woke me when it was over and he headed home.
Thursday morning I slept in a bit. I wasted a good chunk of the morning watching stupid talk shows (like Maury and Montel). Then I did a few lines. (Why? I really don't know.) I didn't do too many though--not even enough for a come down. I had German class at 3:00 pm and hadn't done my homework, so I headed out to get lunch and do catch up on all of that. After German, I bought a pair of earrings and two rings really cheaply from a street vendor down by NYU. One of the rings and the earrings are shaped like snakes. Very cool. I said goodbye to Hammer because she's heading home to Phoenix for our spring break week.
I had to dash off to therapy and was running late. It was really a provocative session. I don't know... Too complicated to go into here, I think. After therapy, I walked home listening to my "Elvis in Memphis" CD. I stopped into Manchester and had a Jameson on the rocks. (Again-- Why? I don't know.) I only had one and then left. I was in a really strange mood. I went to pick up some Chinese for dinner. B called me on the phone and we talked for a while. Then I went home, watched Seinfeld and ate my dinner. I checked my email and got a slightly upsetting email from Anxious. (More on that later.) What to do next? I don't know... I did a few more lines. (Well, more like 8...) I watched "Law & Order" and then half an episode of "SVU" and started to feel a bit of a come-down. Shit! I panicked a bit (hate being alone for that), calmed myself down, and went to Cheers.
No matter what I did, though, I couldn't seem to shake my strange and pensive mood. I sat alone at Cheers for a while, sipping white wine while I journaled. (I know, kind of unbelievable, right? I have this insanely long blog AND I keep a hand-written journal regularly.) BarMan came by and gave me a pat on the shoulder. Last Saturday I had sent him a text:
Heard you're out sick. Feel better! Let me know if there's anything I can do!
"Thanks for the message, Hyde. It was really sweet of you."
"Oh, no problem. Are you feeling okay?" etc.
After a bit, NextDoorNeighbor popped in on his way home from the gym. "Hey Hyde! I thought I'd find you here!" I told him to pull up a chair. We ended up talking for quiet some time. It was a pretty intense discussion, I guess. After a while, he left. I saw OldTimer standing at the bar and went over to say hello. We had a funny conversation. He told me that if any guy ever tries "to get fresh with me" and gets too close, that I should just tell him to "leave some room for the Holy Ghost!" I can't wait for an opportunity to use that line!
Later, Anxious called me. Primarily she wanted to tell me how things went with her Spanish professor. She said that he told her that he was "so attracted to her" that he "couldn't resist her."
"Well, if you're not interested, he has to resist you," I said. "Otherwise that's sexual harassment."
She said he tried to kiss her again.
"You shouldn't have let that happen," I said. "Just write him a really cold and professional email and then don't see him outside of class."
"But I would like to be friends," she said. "Ughh...this always happens when I try to be friends with men. They always want something more."
"I don't know what to tell you," I said. "If you're that irresistable, maybe you just need to give up on the idea of his friendship. I would put a stop to it now though."
Later, she said that she was worried I was mad at her about the whole incident on Tuesday night in which she led Hammer to believe that I have a crush on Prof PP.
"I'm not mad at you, Anxious. I was just annoyed at the situation."
"I don't understand what the big deal is," she said.
"There is no big deal."
"If it's not true about Prof PP and I mixed things up, then Hammer should have just dropped it and left you alone," she said. "That's not very social behavior on her part, you know."
Whatever... I didn't feel like having this conversation. Especially if she was going to tell me my friends are "asocial."
"It's not about that," I said.
Then she implied that I have some major problem with relationships.
"You know, Hyde," she said. "This is the second time that I've walked into some situation and said or done something that has made you feel akward. I just can't keep track of your strange competitive power-struggle relationships with your friends."
"What are you talking about?!?!"
"Well, that thing between you and Narc-- it was all about a power struggle. You wanted to be in control, and when he flirted with me and masturbated in front of me, it gave him control and you felt foolish. But how was I to know that it was all about weird power-games between the two of you?"
"I wasn't playing a game with Narc. I didn't want to be in control," I said. "I only didn't want to be humiliated. There's a big difference. I mean, all I wanted was to maintain a modicum of human dignity. Not to be a control freak. What does that have to do with this anyway?"
"Well, why would you care what Hammer thought unless you're competitive with her too?"
"I wasn't 'competitive' with Narc and I'm not competitive with Hammer."
"Well, like I said... I just think that it's weird that I walked into some weird situation of yours twice. I just don't know how I keep stumbling into your bizarre relationship dynamics."
"That doesn't happen with my other friends," I told her. "Maybe the problem is with you, not with me."
To make matters worse, I was annoyed at something else Anxious did. I had to bring it up to her. Like I mentioned earlier, she had just sent me an email--an "apology" email about the whole Prof PP thing. Nice enough, but two things in her email really bothered me. First of all, I had been pretty open with her about having issues with anger--being able to get appropriately angry at people like Narc, not wanting to be a push-over, etc. In her email she said:
I think getting in touch with your anger and all is just great, but I sure hope it's not going to be directed at me on a regular basis.
It really upset me because I feel like she took something I told her in a sensitive moment and threw it back at me at her own convenience--just to exonerate herself and to make my feelings and reactions seem irrational--just a part of my "emotional problems." Secondly, she said the following:
You know I am good at keeping secrets and have the common sense to be discreet about obviously sensitive things -- "INCIDENT X," liaisons of various kinds, the Narcissist encounter, etc.
The only thing is, Anxious didn't write "Incident X." She spelled out an incident that is SO insanely sensitive that I can't even say it outloud (let alone in writing). I only told her after knowing her for 9 years and even then, only because I was drunk. I was furious that she would drop it into casual conversation and I felt completely knocked off guard and really very unsettled. I think it's one of the reasons that I ended up "re-medicating" and heading out to Cheers.
I told Anxious that I didn't ever want her to mention it again and that it is NOT fair game to be used in a stupid email argument to prove her loyalty.
"Well, maybe you should just let some of that go, Hyde. Who cares about your secrets, you know?"
"It's not about secrets," I said. "It's about the way I cope. I compartmentalize, and I can't be caught off guard like that. I wasn't expecting you to say that."
"Well, I don't know how you can stay so compartmentalized. That just seems like such an unhappy way to me."
This conversation was much longer than I care to detail right now. The bottom line--by the end of it, I felt like I was on the verge of tears. It's just none of her fucking business how I handle my emotions. She really knows very little about my internal life, and I don't have to justify it to her.
"Okay, Anxious. Well, I'm not mad at you. But I'm tired of drama right now. I've gotta go."
"Okay! Good night!" After hanging up with Anxious, I moved over to the bar. BarMan was there with a girl. I later found out it was a quasi-date. It really surprised me because she's not what I would have expected. Up until now, I've only seen him with girls in their 20's who are kind of athletic/pony-tail/girl next-door types. This woman looked significantly older (maybe 35, whereas BarMan is 28), and she wasn't the cute-sporty type at all. She had wild curly hair and dark lipstick and I didn't think she was all that attractive. (But maybe I'm being too picky on his behalf because of my crush on him.) BarMan introducted me to her as "his friend." I thought that was nice. She was really weird though. He got up and left for a minute and she told me that someone was writing a book about her.
"Oh, really?" I asked. "What do you do?"
"Well, I'm a publicist. But he's not writing it about what I do. He's writing it about my mind."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, this guy I met--he thinks I have just a fascinating mind and he wants to write a study on me."
"Oh. Well, is he writing it already?"
"No, he hasn't started."
(Tell me that's not weird, you know?)
She left the bar around 12:15 am because she said she was getting tired. Just a half hour later or so, she sent BarMan a few texts. He showed them to me and to IrishBird. I think she annoyed him a little. She basically invited him over in the first one (he was technically working, so he couldn't leave), and in the second one she was trying to be all sexy and told him that she was "in a bubble bath." I wanted to crack up, but I bit my lip not to. I didn't want to embarass him.
After that, BarMan busted out a crossword puzzle. Not much else was going on, so I decided I wanted to help him. Of course, I was loving it, because it meant that I had to pull up my chair next to his and lean over him to see the page. We were sitting so close that our shoulders kept touching, and of course, my crush was raging. I was getting a lot of the clues and IrishBird was quiet impressed.
"I can't believe it, Hyde! I would be on my back if I'd had nearly as much to drink as you!"
"Yeah, but it's only wine, IrishBird. Don't forget--I'm used to whiskey."
BarMan told me that if I'm trying to switch to wine, I should try some Pinot Noir.
The crossword was in the NY Post. When he flipped the page and there was an article in there about "Drunk-Texting." I thought it was funny because Hammer had just emailed me that article that afternoon. BarMan said that he had drunk texted a few times.
"A few times?" I said. "I'm an expert at drunk texting. Just ask Narc."
Grr... Now I was thinking of Narc again. After a while, no one was left there except for me, IrishBird and BarMan. I gave them each a hug goodbye and headed home. It was around 1:45.
When I got home, I had some serious Narc cravings. I was still kind of wired from my earlier indulgences. Also, I was still feeling really emotionally strange. I read my email and checked out the blogs and then tried to get myself to bed. I really wanted to call Narc though...or the Stallion... or someone! I hate being a "good girl" sometimes. I hadn't even looked for an "all-night" distraction, and then when I got home, I kind of regretted it. I just had to remind myself that I would feel good about my choice in the morning. Especially since the alarm was set for 7:00 and I had lost almost a full night of sleep this week already.
Today I taught all day. Just got through a little while ago. More "Rise of Fascism" and "WWII." Dramatic stuff. Tonight I'm supposed to hang out with NextDoorNeighbor and his friend who's in from out of town.
Hope you all have a good weekend!
-Hyde
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Resolution
Okay, I just got done teaching. The class went much better than I thought. I love when that happens! Just when I think everything is shit, I just get turned on by teaching and I get on a roll and it energizes me and everything feels better.
Speaking of feeling better, I really had been feeling better with my 11 days off alcohol and my two and a half months off "medicine." I felt better about myself, my work and my life in general. I didn't make any of the stupid phone calls (or send any of the lame texts) that leave me feeling embarassed and degraded the next day. And I didn't feel like a fuck-up. Hell, at times I felt downright happy!
I don't want to fuck everything up. I was feeling good doing my work. (And God knows, I have enough of it to do at this point in the semester!) Just because I screwed up a bit last night doesn't mean that I've ruined everything, right?
I'm going to start from scratch again right now. I'm going to have a good day today. I'm going to do this thing better. I'm tired of feeling like shit.
-resolute hyde-
Speaking of feeling better, I really had been feeling better with my 11 days off alcohol and my two and a half months off "medicine." I felt better about myself, my work and my life in general. I didn't make any of the stupid phone calls (or send any of the lame texts) that leave me feeling embarassed and degraded the next day. And I didn't feel like a fuck-up. Hell, at times I felt downright happy!
I don't want to fuck everything up. I was feeling good doing my work. (And God knows, I have enough of it to do at this point in the semester!) Just because I screwed up a bit last night doesn't mean that I've ruined everything, right?
I'm going to start from scratch again right now. I'm going to have a good day today. I'm going to do this thing better. I'm tired of feeling like shit.
-resolute hyde-
The Fuck-Up
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I'm such a loser. Why do I continually fuck up? Ughh! Arghh! And everything else of the sort. I was doing so well for a while there... Now I'm literally on only 2 hours of sleep and I feel like living hell. This is so fucking miserable! Headache-galore!
Ok. Here's the story:
Well, let's back-track to Monday first. Hammer and I went to that talk out at Rutgers. Very interesting. It was about the legalization of cremation in Victorian England and the separation of memory and mourning from space/place. They had all sorts of hors d'oeuvres afterwards too. And wine! Classy. It was an adventure. Then I was back home to watch 24 with B. I love Monday nights. It was so cozy and wonderful. (Plus President Palmer's coming back to the show!) It was perfect!
Yesterday I had therapy in the morning. Then it was off to the library to spit out a paper that was due at 2:00. I was about 10 minutes late with that one. I thought I might get to hang out with GoldenFinch, but it didn't pan out. She ended up not coming into the city. In any case, I was in heaven during class because we got to talk about Brando and Elvis! (In a post-war German context).
At some point during that 2:00-4:00 class Anxious sent me a text. She said that she had to meet with me before Thursday and that it was very urgent. I texted her back that I could meet her for dinner. (Her new job is not all that far from where I live.)
I left school at around 5:15 and headed to Cheers. Basically, I was there from 5:30 until they closed up at around 3:00 am. That's a fucking long time--10 hours!!! (Well, I guess there was a small break in between.) Anyway, I got there before Anxious and started drinking. By the time she got there, I was on whiskey #3. What was her dilemma? That her married Spanish professor kissed her, but she doesn't want an affair--she needs him for a reference. I offered up some Hyde-wisdom while we ate bar food and drank some more. She told me that she's basically living with BulgarianGuy right now. Weird! He was working at the restaurant across the street, so I suggested we go drink over there to visit him. She wouldn't go without fixing her hair first, so I gave her the keys to my apartment so she could go beautify. NextDoorNeighbor popped in on his way home from the gym. He wants to hang out with me on Friday night, but I'm not sure what my plans are yet.
While Anxious was at my place, I bumped into OldTimer. He said he thought I was "mad at him." I can't imagine why. I mean, that guy never even crosses my mind. It just goes to show that you never know what people are thinking. I blew him a kiss and reassured him. Eventually Anxious came back and we headed across the street. We had fun teasing BulgarianGuy. The owner of the restaurant laughed because he's seen me in Cheers a million times, but never on "his side of the street." I drank a lot more. Anxious and I tried some really disgusting Blackberry Brandy. Then she ended up drinking some sweet green thing that looked like acid. I wouldn't have any of it--didn't want a sugar crash! Our bartender was named Louie.
At some point, Hammer called me. She said she was in the neighborhood. I told her to come over to the restaurant. She did just that and Anxious, Hammer and I hung out for a while. Hammer got the strange idea that I have a crush on Prof PP based on something that Anxious said. It was really annoying. Whatever. I was having fun drinking. The only problem--the more I drink, the more I miss Narc!
That's just what happened--I started missing Narc really badly. I kept saying that I wanted to text him. We moved back across the street to Cheers and Hammer advocated the "naturlich" principle--she told me to just text him already if I was dying to do it so badly. So I did. I wanted to tell Narc that I wanted to come down to his place to see him. Hammer told me to make Narc come to me. (Meanwhile, I knew the whole exercise was pointless. I knew he wouldn't respond.) Regardless, I texted him. I wrote:
Hey, come fuck me. I live at.... (and then I put my address).
Okay, I know--totally pathetic. (C'mon Hyde--why are you SUCH a loser about him?)
My phone rang shortly thereafter and I briefly thought it might be Narc calling. No such luck. It was the Wizard calling for Hammer. Hammer remained hung up on the idea that I'm crushing on Prof PP. She left to go meet the Wizard, but texted me:
Go home after that drink. P.S. Do you have the hots for Prof PP?
I told her:
If PP's nickname were Narc, maybe...
Annoying.
Anyway, somewhere in the middle of all of this, Anxious and BulgarianGuy took off, so I was left at Cheers by myself. I moved to the bar to hang with IrishBird and PumpedUp. My memory of this part is hazy.
At some point, I went back to my place and did a few lines. Can you guys believe it? I had been SO fucking good since early February! What the fuck is wrong with me? Anyway, then I headed back to Cheers, with the bag stuffed into my waistband. (You'd think I'd have learned not to do that after I got mugged that way back in September!)
Anyway, I was flying after that. I'm sure it was crazy obvious to IrishBird and PumpedUp, and I'm sure that IrishBird was annoyed. They closed up the bar at around 3:00. Again--my memory at that point, is kind of hazy. I came back to my place and went online for a while, reading blogs. I think I left a few comments for people even though I was all fucked up. Oops! Then I got into bed.
The only problem--I was still desperately missing Narc and I couldn't sleep a wink. I was so fucking wired and didn't know what to do with myself. At this point it was about 4:00 am. My alarm clock was set for 7:00. I called Narc on both of his numbers, and left a lame message apologizing for my earlier lame-ass text. I feel like such a loser.
Then I called the Stallion. (What?!?!?) I didn't think he would pick up, but you know what? He did! I talked to him for about half an hour. He was really happy to hear from me even though I woke him up. He said he only picked up because he saw it was me. I was brutally honest--way too much so. I told him how uncomfortable I felt about the last time that I saw him, and I said that I didn't want to see him again unless it would be all fun and no drama. He agreed. I was being such a slut. I totally got off on the phone with him...twice. Whatever. I guess it made his day.
He said he really wanted to see me. He asked if we could meet up tonight (Wednesday). I said yes at the time, but now I don't want to. I just want to take it easy tonight and sleep. It's the only way I'll survive this! Anyway, we hung up the phone at about 4:30 am. I still couldn't sleep.
Then I called Sunshine just to leave her a message. I was shocked once again, because she actually picked up! I feel SO bad about waking her in the middle of the night. (So Sunshine--I'm sure you're reading this. I'm SO sorry for that, once again. It was totally inappropriate of me to call so late. I really feel bad if I fucked up your sleep and your day! Sorry, sorry sorry!!!) We talked for about 15 minutes or so. Finally I was coming down a bit--not too bad. I probably fell asleep at around 5:15 am or so.
The next thing I knew, it was morning. My alarm went off, and I woke up with a brutal headache. My eyes were still dialated and I still had cotton mouth. Since then, I've eaten a bagel and I've drank a shitload of water, so I feel significantly better, but even so, today is going to be hell. I have to teach this morning and then head to a voice lesson at 1:00. (That's going to be a joke. I can hardly stand. How the fuck am I going to sing?). Then I have to go to the nutritionist at 2:00. (Another joke in my present state! I'm the epitome of bad health!)
On a cheerier note, Bezoukhoff just called me. We're going to hang out later--downtime-style. He has a way of always making me feel better. I told him how badly I fucked up last night and he told me not to worry about it-- that it's all good. We'll see.
Anyway, I've got to go make some photocopies for my students now before class.
That's my story. I can't fucking believe myself sometimes. Has there ever been a girl more pathetic? Has there? Ever? Really?
-loser hyde-
I'm such a loser. Why do I continually fuck up? Ughh! Arghh! And everything else of the sort. I was doing so well for a while there... Now I'm literally on only 2 hours of sleep and I feel like living hell. This is so fucking miserable! Headache-galore!
Ok. Here's the story:
Well, let's back-track to Monday first. Hammer and I went to that talk out at Rutgers. Very interesting. It was about the legalization of cremation in Victorian England and the separation of memory and mourning from space/place. They had all sorts of hors d'oeuvres afterwards too. And wine! Classy. It was an adventure. Then I was back home to watch 24 with B. I love Monday nights. It was so cozy and wonderful. (Plus President Palmer's coming back to the show!) It was perfect!
Yesterday I had therapy in the morning. Then it was off to the library to spit out a paper that was due at 2:00. I was about 10 minutes late with that one. I thought I might get to hang out with GoldenFinch, but it didn't pan out. She ended up not coming into the city. In any case, I was in heaven during class because we got to talk about Brando and Elvis! (In a post-war German context).
At some point during that 2:00-4:00 class Anxious sent me a text. She said that she had to meet with me before Thursday and that it was very urgent. I texted her back that I could meet her for dinner. (Her new job is not all that far from where I live.)
I left school at around 5:15 and headed to Cheers. Basically, I was there from 5:30 until they closed up at around 3:00 am. That's a fucking long time--10 hours!!! (Well, I guess there was a small break in between.) Anyway, I got there before Anxious and started drinking. By the time she got there, I was on whiskey #3. What was her dilemma? That her married Spanish professor kissed her, but she doesn't want an affair--she needs him for a reference. I offered up some Hyde-wisdom while we ate bar food and drank some more. She told me that she's basically living with BulgarianGuy right now. Weird! He was working at the restaurant across the street, so I suggested we go drink over there to visit him. She wouldn't go without fixing her hair first, so I gave her the keys to my apartment so she could go beautify. NextDoorNeighbor popped in on his way home from the gym. He wants to hang out with me on Friday night, but I'm not sure what my plans are yet.
While Anxious was at my place, I bumped into OldTimer. He said he thought I was "mad at him." I can't imagine why. I mean, that guy never even crosses my mind. It just goes to show that you never know what people are thinking. I blew him a kiss and reassured him. Eventually Anxious came back and we headed across the street. We had fun teasing BulgarianGuy. The owner of the restaurant laughed because he's seen me in Cheers a million times, but never on "his side of the street." I drank a lot more. Anxious and I tried some really disgusting Blackberry Brandy. Then she ended up drinking some sweet green thing that looked like acid. I wouldn't have any of it--didn't want a sugar crash! Our bartender was named Louie.
At some point, Hammer called me. She said she was in the neighborhood. I told her to come over to the restaurant. She did just that and Anxious, Hammer and I hung out for a while. Hammer got the strange idea that I have a crush on Prof PP based on something that Anxious said. It was really annoying. Whatever. I was having fun drinking. The only problem--the more I drink, the more I miss Narc!
That's just what happened--I started missing Narc really badly. I kept saying that I wanted to text him. We moved back across the street to Cheers and Hammer advocated the "naturlich" principle--she told me to just text him already if I was dying to do it so badly. So I did. I wanted to tell Narc that I wanted to come down to his place to see him. Hammer told me to make Narc come to me. (Meanwhile, I knew the whole exercise was pointless. I knew he wouldn't respond.) Regardless, I texted him. I wrote:
Hey, come fuck me. I live at.... (and then I put my address).
Okay, I know--totally pathetic. (C'mon Hyde--why are you SUCH a loser about him?)
My phone rang shortly thereafter and I briefly thought it might be Narc calling. No such luck. It was the Wizard calling for Hammer. Hammer remained hung up on the idea that I'm crushing on Prof PP. She left to go meet the Wizard, but texted me:
Go home after that drink. P.S. Do you have the hots for Prof PP?
I told her:
If PP's nickname were Narc, maybe...
Annoying.
Anyway, somewhere in the middle of all of this, Anxious and BulgarianGuy took off, so I was left at Cheers by myself. I moved to the bar to hang with IrishBird and PumpedUp. My memory of this part is hazy.
At some point, I went back to my place and did a few lines. Can you guys believe it? I had been SO fucking good since early February! What the fuck is wrong with me? Anyway, then I headed back to Cheers, with the bag stuffed into my waistband. (You'd think I'd have learned not to do that after I got mugged that way back in September!)
Anyway, I was flying after that. I'm sure it was crazy obvious to IrishBird and PumpedUp, and I'm sure that IrishBird was annoyed. They closed up the bar at around 3:00. Again--my memory at that point, is kind of hazy. I came back to my place and went online for a while, reading blogs. I think I left a few comments for people even though I was all fucked up. Oops! Then I got into bed.
The only problem--I was still desperately missing Narc and I couldn't sleep a wink. I was so fucking wired and didn't know what to do with myself. At this point it was about 4:00 am. My alarm clock was set for 7:00. I called Narc on both of his numbers, and left a lame message apologizing for my earlier lame-ass text. I feel like such a loser.
Then I called the Stallion. (What?!?!?) I didn't think he would pick up, but you know what? He did! I talked to him for about half an hour. He was really happy to hear from me even though I woke him up. He said he only picked up because he saw it was me. I was brutally honest--way too much so. I told him how uncomfortable I felt about the last time that I saw him, and I said that I didn't want to see him again unless it would be all fun and no drama. He agreed. I was being such a slut. I totally got off on the phone with him...twice. Whatever. I guess it made his day.
He said he really wanted to see me. He asked if we could meet up tonight (Wednesday). I said yes at the time, but now I don't want to. I just want to take it easy tonight and sleep. It's the only way I'll survive this! Anyway, we hung up the phone at about 4:30 am. I still couldn't sleep.
Then I called Sunshine just to leave her a message. I was shocked once again, because she actually picked up! I feel SO bad about waking her in the middle of the night. (So Sunshine--I'm sure you're reading this. I'm SO sorry for that, once again. It was totally inappropriate of me to call so late. I really feel bad if I fucked up your sleep and your day! Sorry, sorry sorry!!!) We talked for about 15 minutes or so. Finally I was coming down a bit--not too bad. I probably fell asleep at around 5:15 am or so.
The next thing I knew, it was morning. My alarm went off, and I woke up with a brutal headache. My eyes were still dialated and I still had cotton mouth. Since then, I've eaten a bagel and I've drank a shitload of water, so I feel significantly better, but even so, today is going to be hell. I have to teach this morning and then head to a voice lesson at 1:00. (That's going to be a joke. I can hardly stand. How the fuck am I going to sing?). Then I have to go to the nutritionist at 2:00. (Another joke in my present state! I'm the epitome of bad health!)
On a cheerier note, Bezoukhoff just called me. We're going to hang out later--downtime-style. He has a way of always making me feel better. I told him how badly I fucked up last night and he told me not to worry about it-- that it's all good. We'll see.
Anyway, I've got to go make some photocopies for my students now before class.
That's my story. I can't fucking believe myself sometimes. Has there ever been a girl more pathetic? Has there? Ever? Really?
-loser hyde-
Monday, April 18, 2005
It's a Spring Thing
Despite the massive amounts of time that I wasted this weekend, and the massive amounts of work still hanging over my head, I'm in a remarkably good mood! It must be the beautiful springtime weather.
("See Hyde, maybe you like the warm weather more than you think!" Hammer said to me this morning).
Yesterday I just couldn't get myself to do any work, as it would have required being indoors. I walked to the library depressedly after being stood up for lunch by B. I just felt really lonely yesterday--not sure why. I smoked a lot of cigarettes in compensation. I also called a million and one people--all of those friends who I think fondly of, but with whom I have all together too little contact. I ended up on the phone for a while with both of my roommates from that 2002 summer in London. One lives in NY, but we just never seem to get together. The other is in law school in Virginia. She'll be visiting in NY the first week in May, so hopefully we can have a little reunion. I can't believe that it's already been three years since I've seen her!
I also talked to Liu for a really long time yesterday. I just miss her way too much. I'm glad that she's happy in her Texas life and moving towards marriage with "the Cowboy." On the other hand, it makes me a little sad because I'm losing all hope of her ever moving back to NY. I guess I'll just have to adjust and go out to Texas to visit as much as possible. She's been really good at making annual trips to NY.
So I got about as far as Bryant Park in my efforts to do some work. I sat there on a bench, people watching, chain-smoking and gabbing on the phone for a few hours. B called me and said that he felt bad about our miscommunication. He said that he would come into the city to have coffee with me. He wanted to make sure that I wasn't sad about his cancellation and I guess he could tell that I was feeling lonely. I thought it was a really sweet gesture. As much as we drive each other crazy, I really do love him.
I also called Hammer to see what she was up to. She wasn't far from the Park, so before B arrived, she stopped by and we hung out for a little while. Then B and I got our coffee and sat outside some more and talked for a while. At around 5:00 he had to head home. I had plans to meet NextDoorNeighbor at around 5:30. I was late to meet him though, because on the way home, I stopped and bought a shirt. NextDoorNeighbor called me and told me he was heading to Thaddy Cons--another Irish pub in the neighborhood. He was bringing his Backgammon board. When I got there, he had reserved us a table right on the street. It was nice to be able to stay outdoors. Sometimes I feel so holed up--life in NY city can be all about being stuffed in a tiny box with just a glimpse of sky.
I never drink beer, but his beer looked so beautiful and golden and refreshing that I ordered one myself. I had been under the impression that he knew how to play backgammon and that he was going to teach me, but it turns out that he had no idea about how to play at all. We had to figure it out together. It was a lot of fun though. A lot of people on the street stopped and stared at our game. I guess it looked like we knew what we were doing.
He only had two beers, but got pretty drunk off of them. After about three games, we left to go pick up some pad thai for dinner. I was smoking again, and NextDoorNeighbor asked me for a cigarette. I never saw anyone get so buzzed off of one smoke! He was being really funny. We started talking about smoking and I told him that I've always secretly wanted to be the Marlboro Man. He thought that was funny. I told him that if I were a guy I'm sure that I'd be covered with a lot more tattoos and I would definitely ride a bike. That would definitely be my type. I asked him what his style would be if he were a girl. (That's a little game that my sisters and I like to play). He said that he thinks he would be "jappy-slutty." I was cracking up.
We had called ahead for our food so we sat and ate it at East Palace. Then back home together to the 20th floor! NextDoorNeighbor had to make some phone calls and I wanted some "downtime" before I began the next stage of the night. A friend of mine had invited me to come hear him play at the Beekman Tower Hotel. He's trained as a classical pianist, but plays jazz as well and got a gig playing the hotel bar. He said that he would be playing from 9:00 to midnight. Since the hotel is only a few blocks from my place, I thought I might stop by.
I watched a few episodes of the Simpsons while I got changed to go out. I had invited NextDoorNeighbor to come with me, but he said that he was too tired. At around 10:15, I headed out. I had never been up to that hotel bar. It really offers an amazing view. It was crazy expensive though. I ordered a jack on the rocks and it cost me nearly $12!!! I think their price-fixed dinner goes for about $50. (Not terrible prices for NY, but way too much for my modest budget). To make matters worse, my friend wasn't even there. What the fuck? I called him.
"Um, PianoBoy, what's up with the fact that you're not here?"
"Oh god! Are you there? I feel so bad. Um, I tried to call you to tell you-- I decided not to go in tonight. Are you pissed?"
"Don't worry," I said. "Not a big deal." (But seriously, how do you "try" to call someone? You either call or you don't.)
I had my drink and left.
On the way back home I swung by Manchester. Maeve was on duty.
"Hyde! Haven't seen you ’round here in a while!" she said. She lowered her voice. "Are you still with 'the boy'?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Not really," I said. (It made me sad.) "Whatever. I'm in a good mood today," I smiled. "Let's not get into such things."
I ordered one of her fabulous white russians.
"Oh no! We're out of Stoly Vanilla."
"Well, what can you make me instead? I trust you. I'll take any one of your wonderful concoctions."
She made me something delicious--still made with cream, but it had an orange/chocolate flavor. She said that she made it with cointreau, frangelico, khalua, vodka and cream. Yum!
The guy next to me started talking to me about some article he was reading in the paper about a resort that costs $30,000 a week. It turns out this guy manages a lounge over in Midtown West. He gave me his card and told me to stop by sometime.
A few minutes later, another guy came in and pulled up a bar stool really close to me. He was clearly a little drunk. He started a conversation with me too. He asked me if I could tell he was a "foreigner."
"Not really by looks," I said, "but you have an accent. I can tell by the way you speak. Where are you from?"
"Paris."
Apparently, he's some big shot at the UN-- the main political advisor to the French representative. (I already “googled” him today). He asked me what I think about the UN and we got into a whole discussion about "democracy" and global politics. I was a little nervous, because even though I know my history, I am never nearly as caught up as I should be on current affairs. Especially relying on American news--we never hear anything here about the rest of the world. It's all about the BBC for that!
At some point he mentioned to me that he had lived in Israel on the West Bank for five years, doing work in the refugee camps.
"Where on the West Bank?" I asked.
"Ramallah."
"Ramallah? Really? I have family there."
"No way!" He was shocked.
"Yeah. There and in Jerusalem. My uncle does public relations and is a professor at Birzeit University."
"I can't believe that I'm sitting here and talking to someone who knows Birzeit University!" he said.
We talked for a while more. He was shocked that I could drink whiskey straight up. (After two of Maeve's specialty drinks, I had switched back to Jack) He was drinking white wine. He said that he had been drinking all afternoon at a picnic in Central Park. He asked if I wanted to go outside for a cigarette.
Once we were outside, he tried to kiss me. (What's up with that always happening? Guys in this city have way too much gall). I kind of moved out of the way. I was leaning up against the building. He leaned into me, moving his body up against mine.
"C'mon, I don't think so," I said. "You're pretty drunk."
"So?"
"Um, I think I'm going back inside now."
(He was a pretty good looking guy, but I guess I've totally fallen out of "slut-mode." Besides, you guys know I'm still a little emotionally hung up on Narc and I don't think I need to complicate things for myself. I just need a little breather from drama.)
I went back into the bar and he followed. He went into the men's room. I went into the ladies room. When I came out I didn't see him. Was he still in there? Did he leave? I don't know, but I didn't really care all that much. I paid my tab and checked out of there.
Back at home, I made it to bed by 1:30 am or so. Not bad for a night involving drinking, n'est pas? This morning I got up and taught--no hangover, no guilt. Yay!
Later Hammer and I are headed out to NJ to hear Tom Laqueur give a talk at Rutgers. (It's on "Death and Cultural Pluralism." Don’t know quite what that means yet.) I've got to go grab lunch and do some reading in the library now.
But the day's been made beautiful because I've been serenaded all morning by "From Elvis in Memphis"
Hope you're all enjoying spring!
-hyde-
("See Hyde, maybe you like the warm weather more than you think!" Hammer said to me this morning).
Yesterday I just couldn't get myself to do any work, as it would have required being indoors. I walked to the library depressedly after being stood up for lunch by B. I just felt really lonely yesterday--not sure why. I smoked a lot of cigarettes in compensation. I also called a million and one people--all of those friends who I think fondly of, but with whom I have all together too little contact. I ended up on the phone for a while with both of my roommates from that 2002 summer in London. One lives in NY, but we just never seem to get together. The other is in law school in Virginia. She'll be visiting in NY the first week in May, so hopefully we can have a little reunion. I can't believe that it's already been three years since I've seen her!
I also talked to Liu for a really long time yesterday. I just miss her way too much. I'm glad that she's happy in her Texas life and moving towards marriage with "the Cowboy." On the other hand, it makes me a little sad because I'm losing all hope of her ever moving back to NY. I guess I'll just have to adjust and go out to Texas to visit as much as possible. She's been really good at making annual trips to NY.
So I got about as far as Bryant Park in my efforts to do some work. I sat there on a bench, people watching, chain-smoking and gabbing on the phone for a few hours. B called me and said that he felt bad about our miscommunication. He said that he would come into the city to have coffee with me. He wanted to make sure that I wasn't sad about his cancellation and I guess he could tell that I was feeling lonely. I thought it was a really sweet gesture. As much as we drive each other crazy, I really do love him.
I also called Hammer to see what she was up to. She wasn't far from the Park, so before B arrived, she stopped by and we hung out for a little while. Then B and I got our coffee and sat outside some more and talked for a while. At around 5:00 he had to head home. I had plans to meet NextDoorNeighbor at around 5:30. I was late to meet him though, because on the way home, I stopped and bought a shirt. NextDoorNeighbor called me and told me he was heading to Thaddy Cons--another Irish pub in the neighborhood. He was bringing his Backgammon board. When I got there, he had reserved us a table right on the street. It was nice to be able to stay outdoors. Sometimes I feel so holed up--life in NY city can be all about being stuffed in a tiny box with just a glimpse of sky.
I never drink beer, but his beer looked so beautiful and golden and refreshing that I ordered one myself. I had been under the impression that he knew how to play backgammon and that he was going to teach me, but it turns out that he had no idea about how to play at all. We had to figure it out together. It was a lot of fun though. A lot of people on the street stopped and stared at our game. I guess it looked like we knew what we were doing.
He only had two beers, but got pretty drunk off of them. After about three games, we left to go pick up some pad thai for dinner. I was smoking again, and NextDoorNeighbor asked me for a cigarette. I never saw anyone get so buzzed off of one smoke! He was being really funny. We started talking about smoking and I told him that I've always secretly wanted to be the Marlboro Man. He thought that was funny. I told him that if I were a guy I'm sure that I'd be covered with a lot more tattoos and I would definitely ride a bike. That would definitely be my type. I asked him what his style would be if he were a girl. (That's a little game that my sisters and I like to play). He said that he thinks he would be "jappy-slutty." I was cracking up.
We had called ahead for our food so we sat and ate it at East Palace. Then back home together to the 20th floor! NextDoorNeighbor had to make some phone calls and I wanted some "downtime" before I began the next stage of the night. A friend of mine had invited me to come hear him play at the Beekman Tower Hotel. He's trained as a classical pianist, but plays jazz as well and got a gig playing the hotel bar. He said that he would be playing from 9:00 to midnight. Since the hotel is only a few blocks from my place, I thought I might stop by.
I watched a few episodes of the Simpsons while I got changed to go out. I had invited NextDoorNeighbor to come with me, but he said that he was too tired. At around 10:15, I headed out. I had never been up to that hotel bar. It really offers an amazing view. It was crazy expensive though. I ordered a jack on the rocks and it cost me nearly $12!!! I think their price-fixed dinner goes for about $50. (Not terrible prices for NY, but way too much for my modest budget). To make matters worse, my friend wasn't even there. What the fuck? I called him.
"Um, PianoBoy, what's up with the fact that you're not here?"
"Oh god! Are you there? I feel so bad. Um, I tried to call you to tell you-- I decided not to go in tonight. Are you pissed?"
"Don't worry," I said. "Not a big deal." (But seriously, how do you "try" to call someone? You either call or you don't.)
I had my drink and left.
On the way back home I swung by Manchester. Maeve was on duty.
"Hyde! Haven't seen you ’round here in a while!" she said. She lowered her voice. "Are you still with 'the boy'?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Not really," I said. (It made me sad.) "Whatever. I'm in a good mood today," I smiled. "Let's not get into such things."
I ordered one of her fabulous white russians.
"Oh no! We're out of Stoly Vanilla."
"Well, what can you make me instead? I trust you. I'll take any one of your wonderful concoctions."
She made me something delicious--still made with cream, but it had an orange/chocolate flavor. She said that she made it with cointreau, frangelico, khalua, vodka and cream. Yum!
The guy next to me started talking to me about some article he was reading in the paper about a resort that costs $30,000 a week. It turns out this guy manages a lounge over in Midtown West. He gave me his card and told me to stop by sometime.
A few minutes later, another guy came in and pulled up a bar stool really close to me. He was clearly a little drunk. He started a conversation with me too. He asked me if I could tell he was a "foreigner."
"Not really by looks," I said, "but you have an accent. I can tell by the way you speak. Where are you from?"
"Paris."
Apparently, he's some big shot at the UN-- the main political advisor to the French representative. (I already “googled” him today). He asked me what I think about the UN and we got into a whole discussion about "democracy" and global politics. I was a little nervous, because even though I know my history, I am never nearly as caught up as I should be on current affairs. Especially relying on American news--we never hear anything here about the rest of the world. It's all about the BBC for that!
At some point he mentioned to me that he had lived in Israel on the West Bank for five years, doing work in the refugee camps.
"Where on the West Bank?" I asked.
"Ramallah."
"Ramallah? Really? I have family there."
"No way!" He was shocked.
"Yeah. There and in Jerusalem. My uncle does public relations and is a professor at Birzeit University."
"I can't believe that I'm sitting here and talking to someone who knows Birzeit University!" he said.
We talked for a while more. He was shocked that I could drink whiskey straight up. (After two of Maeve's specialty drinks, I had switched back to Jack) He was drinking white wine. He said that he had been drinking all afternoon at a picnic in Central Park. He asked if I wanted to go outside for a cigarette.
Once we were outside, he tried to kiss me. (What's up with that always happening? Guys in this city have way too much gall). I kind of moved out of the way. I was leaning up against the building. He leaned into me, moving his body up against mine.
"C'mon, I don't think so," I said. "You're pretty drunk."
"So?"
"Um, I think I'm going back inside now."
(He was a pretty good looking guy, but I guess I've totally fallen out of "slut-mode." Besides, you guys know I'm still a little emotionally hung up on Narc and I don't think I need to complicate things for myself. I just need a little breather from drama.)
I went back into the bar and he followed. He went into the men's room. I went into the ladies room. When I came out I didn't see him. Was he still in there? Did he leave? I don't know, but I didn't really care all that much. I paid my tab and checked out of there.
Back at home, I made it to bed by 1:30 am or so. Not bad for a night involving drinking, n'est pas? This morning I got up and taught--no hangover, no guilt. Yay!
Later Hammer and I are headed out to NJ to hear Tom Laqueur give a talk at Rutgers. (It's on "Death and Cultural Pluralism." Don’t know quite what that means yet.) I've got to go grab lunch and do some reading in the library now.
But the day's been made beautiful because I've been serenaded all morning by "From Elvis in Memphis"
Hope you're all enjoying spring!
-hyde-
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