Goodbye Narc

I'm sitting here wanting to write something, but not really knowing what to say. I feel like I've been though so much this week that I'm simultaneously flooded with feeling and completely numb.

On Friday night, I tried to survive the Narc-hurt by hanging out with Hammer. Waiting for her to come over, I sank a little and had three glasses of whiskey and a SoCo on an empty stomach. I also smoked half a pack of Dunhills, left over from when Narc was at my place for Valentine's Day. Hammer arrived around 8:30. We watched Room With a View (which was great) and ate sushi. About halfway through the movie, my alcohol wore off and I got a major hangover- headache. Hammer stayed and we talked until around midnight. By that time, I was so exhausted that I collapsed into bed. I couldn't really sleep though. I ended up tossing and turning for about an hour and a half. Finally I gave up and decided to go to Cheers.

I wasn't sure how I would feel at Cheers on a Friday night. The weekends are packed there for karaoke-night and I wasn't in such a social mood. On the other hand, I didn't want to be alone and was miserably sad about my brother and Narc, and couldn't stand to lay in bed any longer.

When I got there, IrishBird was tending bar. She gave me a huge hug and I ordered a drink. She begged me not to start drinking. (I guess she knows that I get emotional). She warned me that if I started drinking, I wouldn't be able to hold things back. She was so adamant about it that I agreed to start with a diet coke. I wasn't in the mood to fight. I took my drink and parked myself at a back table. I saw BulgarianGuy with two friends, but he didn't see me. I was glad for it because I looked awful. I was completely washed out with red and bleary eyes, slumped over in an oversized Columbia T-shirt, jeans and sneakers. But after half an hour or so, BulgarianGuy spotted me. His friends left and he came over to say hi.

"You don't look so well," he said. "Is everything alright?"

"Well, no..."

I explained to him what had happened. He gave me his most sincere apologies and offered to buy me a drink. Since IrishBird didn't want to serve me, I accepted his offer. From there, it was downhill, but BulgarianGuy was actually pretty sweet. He stayed with me the rest of the night, but I just drowned myself in glass after glass and got more and more emotional and incoherent. At some point (as always) I got invested in telling him the Narc saga. I think he was suprised that the Narc thing has been going on 8 months now, since I slept with BulgarianGuy in October. I explained to him that Narc and I were not (and are not) "together," but that I made the decision to be "faithful" to Narc in November (even though Narc never asked me to). He seemed cool about it, so I think that BulgarianGuy and I have successfully transitioned from akwardness to friendship.

Meanwhile, since it was karaoke-night, I had to sing something. Some really annoying girl (drunk and half-dressed) was hanging all over BarMan. When he saw me there, he gave me the CD he's been meaning to lend me, and I think she was confused. He was sweet though. One time (months and months and months ago) he sang a Garth Brooks song and I loved it so I passed him a note saying it had "made my night." I used to have a crush on him back then, and I was really drunk when I did it, but I guess he always remembered because he sang the same song on Friday and "dedicated" it to me. It was a nice gesture. Later, while I was singing one of my songs, the annoying drunk girl took the other microphone and started trying to sing along. I ignored her and instead blasted out the high notes as loud as I could and shut her down. It was kind of fun.

Anyway, at 3:17 am I texted Narc: R u up?

At 3:19 he wrote back: Out. Few min.

I was elated that he wrote back so quickly! I thought he was "home working" and would have gone to bed early. (Actually, in my heart, I knew he was lying about that or I wouldn't have texted him in the first place). I wasn't sure how to interpret his message though. I asked BulgarianGuy, IrishBird and PumpedUp. IrishBird said he meant that he would call me back in a few. They all warned me to forget about him and go home. (God, how I wish I had listened!)

I didn't hear back from Narc for about half an hour, so I texted again at 3:48:
I'm going home in 10-15 min, so let me know your deal before I'm snug in bed, okay? :)

I got an answer at 3:59: Come to my place.

I wrote back at 4:09: Now?

Narc called me. "Yes, now. Just hope you're in a good mood though. I don't feel like dealing with sadness."

He didn't feel like dealing with sadness? So I was supposed to shut up about my brother? I knew he was being a jerk, but I was drunk and didn't care. I still had one drink left though and Cheers was closing. I asked PumpedUp if I could have a cup "to go." He started laughing at me and told me he couldn't let me take alcohol onto the street.

"C'mon! Isn't there anything you can do for me?" I implored him.

He found a solution--he poured my drink into a portable soup container. Then he gave me some saltine crackers to carry on top. He thought it was hysterical. I didn't care. I was just eager to get home, pack my bag for the weekend and get to Narc. I was probably rude to BulgarianGuy for which I feel some remorse, but I just don't have the mental space to worry about it right now.

I went to the ATM to get some money for my bill, but as luck would have it, my bank account was completely empty. I only had about $20.00 on me, so I left Cheers with an I.O.U. and headed home.

I packed as quickly as possible and pit-stopped at the deli, where I bought Narc a chocolate croissant for breakfast the next day (as I know he loves those). Then I jumped into a cab (with my only $20 in tow) and headed to Tribeca.

The cab cost me nearly all of my money. I arrived at almost 5:00 am and Narc answered the door and kissed me. He had just gotten a haircut and I commented on it. He laughed at my "soup" and crackers and led me to the couch, where he had a freshly poured glass of wine waiting for me. We layed down together on the couch. I told him that I would do my best "not to act sad," but I asked him why he had lied to me.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, you said that you might have plans tonight and when I asked you about it, you said that you were staying home to work. Yet, here I find you just getting home at 5:00 am from a night of drinking. If you didn't want to help me out and spend some time with me tonight, you should have just said so. I never ask you for anything, but I didn't want to be alone tonight. And to get lied to? That just sucks. Don't you care that I'm having a hard time at all?"

He was pretty pissed off at my comment.

"Fuck off," he said. "I don't owe you an explanation for how I spend my time. And I told you, I didn't feel like dealing with you getting all emotional."

He got up to go into the bedroom.

"I'm going to sleep," he said. "You can just leave."

The only problem was that I couldn't leave. I had no money left after the cab ride and nothing in the ATM. The only thing I had for the morning was my metro-card, and there was no way I was about to ride the subway home drunk at 5:00 in the morning! I explained the situation to Narc.

"Well, I don't have any money on me either," he said. "Just about $2.00."

"What should I do?" I asked.

"Just sleep out here."

I was sitting on the floor of his living room in tears.

"You're going to make me sleep on the floor?"

"Whatever..." he said, "Sleep on the couch. I don't care." And with that, he went into his room.

I followed him.

"Please, can't I just stay in here with you?" I begged him. He ignored me, so I just got into the bed.

A few hours later (at 9:30) my cell phone alarm went off. I was disoriented and still a little drunk. I completely forgot where I was. I turned over and tried to snuggle next to Narc. He abruptly pushed me away. That moment for me, was complete pain. I don't know how else to describe it. I got up out of the bed, washed up and got dressed. I started to cry and called Hammer. I don't remember all of our conversation. I was dizzy and sad and overwhelmed and still feeling the alcohol in me.

"I just wanted a soft spot to fall," I told her. "Why couldn't he have just given me that for one night? I mean, my brother is fucking dying in the hospital and he won't let me have the slightest measure of comfort..."

I re-packed as quickly as I could, in tears. I took back the croissant that I had brought too. I fucking hate him! I sat at his computer table and composed a note. I don't remember what I wrote word for word, but it was something like this:

Narc,

I'm sorry that things are ending like this, but it's unambigously clear that you have absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. Over the past 8 months, I've developed pretty strong feelings for you and I've told you that. You don't seem to care at all about how I feel or how you hurt me. I don't know why you're so unhappy, but more than anything, I've wanted to make you happy. Obviously, I can't. And this just hurts way too much. I can't do it anymore, especially now. I just can't handle this kind of pain and I don't understand why you're treating me this way.

I love love love you, but it doesn't matter. I have to say goodbye.

Hyde

In retrospect, the note was kind of melodramatic, but it made my point. On my way out the door, I noticed my amethyst sitting near his wallet! I had lost that all the way back on February 6th (see my post "Hyde Triumphs, (Jekyll down for the count)") Narc must have had it all this time, and obviously carries it with him, if he left it near his wallet. Well, fuck that. I took it back. I left there a wreck, and had to shift my energy to my brother. I took the subway up to Penn Station and called B while waiting for the train. With an enormous coffee and bottle of water down the hatch, my drunkeness faded and I was in decent shape by the time my mom picked me up.

Saturday was a really rough day at the hospital. I spent ten hours there total. My brother looked a lot better than he had when I left on Thursday. He was opening his eyes a little and shifting his body around in discomfort. It's weird how these things become family social events. Every aunt, uncle, cousin and family friend came out of the woodwork. In a way, I think it's inappropriate since he's in the ICU. I mean, they should wait until he stabilizes. It's hard to spend so many hours there because there are so many grieving families. I guess if we had any news for the day, though, it was good news. My mom claims that when she spoke to him he turned his head towards her and opened his eyes, but we don't really know that he has any mental consciousness of anything... it's hard to say. But the important part is that his body is fighting very hard to heal itself. His blood pressure stabilized without the medication and he raised his arm a little. (Could be reflex though). We basically have to sit around and wait.

By Saturday night he had lived past the first 96 hours, which is the most critical part. If he were to die from immediate trauma from the accident, it most likely would have happened then. We just have to hope he gets through the next crucial period infection free. My stepfather stayed at the hospital overnight, and I went back to my mom's place with her and LilSis. BigSis and Bro-in-Law stayed over at his parents house. (They don't live far from my mom). I had a hard time falling asleep on Saturday night. My heart was aching so badly. I feel like Narc just cut it out of my chest. And while I'm slowly adjusting to the fact of my brother's condition, it's a fresh slap in the face every time I see him. They've cleaned up enough of the blood that you can see the staples in his head and the massive stiches across his face, and he just seems to be in so much pain. I wanted to talk to someone...anyone, but there's no privacy with so much family around, and nothing to say. Besides, I definitely couldn't let on about the Narc stuff to anyone in my family.

The next morning I drove my mom to pick up BigSis and the three of us headed to the hospital. (LilSis had gone earlier with clean clothes for my stepfather). The days pass so quickly there because one hour bleeds into the next. It's just a lot of sitting around. My stepfather seemed a little better on Sunday for the first time. LilSis bought him a book of crossword puzzles, and I did some of them with him to pass the time. My brother was moving around a lot more. His mom claims that she told him to take a deep breath and that he did it. If that's true, it's an amazing sign. It's hard to know, though, what is real and what we just want to believe. At around 4:00 the neurologist came around to do a report. My brother wouldn't do anything "amazing" for him, like follow an instruction to breathe or turn his head at someone's prompting. So on a scale of 3-15 (3 being a vegetable and 15 being functional), he scored a "4" only because he's been opening his eyes. The doctor told my mom that if she can get him to open his mouth or move his tounge on demand that he'll go up to a "7." Give my mom a job, and it'll be done if it's at all possible. We were all depressed from the diagnosis, but my mom pointed out that just because the doctor came by on Sunday at 4:00 pm doesn't mean that my brother is ready to follow those instructions on Sunday at 4:00. He does seem to be getting stronger, so we just have to give him the time he needs.

I got back to the city on Sunday night at around 7:00. B met me at my place and we got some pizza. I was just about on the verge of tears the whole time. There's so much emotional pressure on me right now. I feel like I'm being bombarded from all sides. And my heart just hurts so fucking much from this Narc thing that I feel like I can't breathe or eat or sleep. I felt bad unloading on B again, but I needed to talk to someone. He told me that Narc both loves me and hates me at the same time. B said that it's because he loves me that I've become the object of his hatred. I'm not sure that I understand or that it even matters. The bottom line is that it just hurts, and this weekend was an all-time new low. I mean, standing me up for the opera and fucking with my head like that last weekend was bad enough. Now my brother is in critical condition and I'm not up for the mind-games. I needed him and he screwed me and hurt me. I think I have to leave him. I mean, I want to leave him, but feel like I can't. I just have to get through Wednesday and then I'll be back at the hospital for Wednesday night and Thursday. Then I'll have to get over the hurtle of Friday night, but I'll be back at the hospital on Saturday. I just don't see how I can salvage anything for me and Narc after this, but at the same time, I don't really hate him yet...

Anyway, I fell asleep pretty early last night from sheer emotional exhaustion. Just finished teaching this morning and I have a voice lesson in a few hours. I can't wait to go home after that, shower and just have some quiet time. I feel like I'm going to explode. I just want my brother to be okay. I can't stand the picture of him in his hospital bed. I had a dream last night that I was visiting him and Narc was an orderly in the hospital. I didn't want my family to know that I knew him, so I was trying to avoid him, but I kept seeing him lurking nearby when I wanted to go visit my brother's room. It was stressful.

Well, I guess that's it for now. At least 24 is on tonight. That never fails to distract me from my reality. Thank God for Jack!

-Hyde

PS: Guess what! As I'm writing this, my cell phone just rang. It was the Stallion! He said that his mom is having some medical problems and that he'll probably be in New York next week for some time. The timing is so fucking weird, right? Stallion when I met Narc....Stallion when I lose him. Maybe it'll get my mind off things all together. Maybe it's not such a good idea though. He scares me a little in his own way...

Anxious on Narc

One more thing--

First of all, I managed to make plans for the evening without Narc. Who the fuck needs him? Hammer is coming over with some DVD's for a "girl's night in." But, before I pretend I couldn't care less about Narc all together, I wanted to tell you guys--I asked Anxious what she thought of him (based on the Sunday we spent together), and here's what she said. I think it's strange...

(this is an excerpt from an e-mail)

"When I made plans with you, I had no idea I'd spend the whole time with Narc too, but it turned out to be quite entertaining and enlightening. Well. Impressions...You want honesty? (I am nervous about being too honest these days, but here goes.) He is extremely bright and knows it. He is a classic, stereotypical rich kid -- profligate, eccentric, self-absorbed and incidentally destructive, both of himself and those around him. And fun to be around, the way people who have no real worries are always fun to be around. My instinct says he is not trustworthy and not reliable (so does yours -- after all, you didn't want him alone in your house), but also not the slightest bit malicious. He is, however, honest -- that above everything else. He is not deceptive. He is really fond of you, but not up for a serious relationship at this moment, and he is honest about that too. He's extremely perceptive about people. He's also very sexy -- at least I think so, and obviously you do too. I can completely see the attraction. That said, I would use condoms. I can see why you call him the Narcissist, but at the same time, I liked him a whole lot more than I expected to, given the picture you'd painted of him. (I think, in my reckless and un-self-censoring state of mind that night, I made that quite clear to him, too! He had the graciousness not to take offense, for which I give him credit.)"

It annoys me that she said he's so "honest" and "undeceptive." She hasn't been there for the ten dozen times he's told me that he "loves me" and "adores me." Ughhh...

Anyway, I hope you don't all think I'm incredibly shallow for obsessing about Narc again, but it helps to keep my mind off my brother. Since I can't get back to the hospital until tomorrow morning, thinking about him too much from here is just driving me mad.

Anyway, I may not be able to blog this weekend since I'll be at my parents' house, but I'll update as soon as I can...

-Hyde

Exhausted (from EVERYTHING)

I'm absolutely exhausted today. Just finished my Friday teaching marathon. Last night I got back from Long Island around 7:00. I was supposed to go to my boxing class (which I just started on Tuesday and was going to blog about before the crisis), but I was really not feeling up to it. Instead I came home and kind of crashed for a while. B was supposed to meet me at my place at 9:30, but I got too sad sitting alone at home, so I decided to go to Cheers for the company.

When I got there, I kind of snuck in without anyone noticing me and took a seat (with my journal) in the corner. After just a few minutes, PakistaniMan saw me and approached.

"Is anyone sitting here?" he asked, gesturing to the empty seat at my table.

I told him that I was in a really bad mood and didn't feel like talking. He retreated, looking bewildered.

BarMan was sitting at the bar and waved hello. IrishBird must have told him what had happened, because he already knew. He was really sweet to me and tried to take my mind off it by talking to me about other things. He's a good guy. He offered to buy me a drink, but I turned him down. For some reason, the last thing I want to do right now is drink. I feel like if I drink, I won't know what's going on and I can't miss anything right now. What if the phone rings with news from the hospital! Anyway, IrishBird came over and gave me a big hug and offered to buy me my dinner. Soon after, FightingMensch came into the bar. He had no idea what state I was in, and was making annoying sexist jokes and flipping through Maxim magazine. He and BarMan were laughing. I kind of zoned out because I couldn't stand it, and as soon as I zoned out I started to get sad all over again. Eventually, I managed to eat my sandwich and after an hour and a half or so, B arrived. Seeing him, I was finally able to let myself feel all of this. At home with my family, I just have to be strong for my stepdad and my mom, etc. With B, it could be about my feelings, and I started to sob. It was a little embarassing, so I got up and ran into the restroom, but even when I came out I looked red and bleary. I guess there's not much I could do about it at the time. PakistaniMan came over and said IrishBird had just told him what had happened and that he's sorry for me. I said "thanks," but kind of just shrugged him off.

B and I left shortly thereafter and came back to my place and just talked. He was so sweet to me last night. He even offered to sit in on my first class this morning so I wouldn't have to be alone and so that afterwards we could get lunch. It made it easier to get through the morning and by the afternoon class I was numb with exhaustion, so I could sort of go on automatic pilot. Even though I've been teaching (in some capacity) for almost 4 years, B has never sat in on a class and so it was exciting for him to get to see me "in action."

I forgot my cell phone at home this morning so I couldn't get any updates on my brother, but when I got home this afternoon, my sister had left me a message. She said that the CAT scan results still don't look good, but that they can't tell how much of the mess is from swelling (which will go down and heal) and how much is from actual brain damage. While they said over and over that he's "critical," no one said yesterday that he's likely to die, so I am starting to get a little hopeful. It feels weird to be in the city and away from everyone though. I think I'll go back tomorrow morning, so that I can get a good night's sleep in my own bed tonight, but it's going to be hard.

More news on the Narc front:
(not that it even matter in light of what happened, and not that any of you think that there's anything to salvage there at this point, but I can't help caring.)

On Wednesday, shortly after I got the awful news, I sent him an email about what had happened. He wrote me back a nice message. He said:

Hyde--

I'm sorry for the terrible news; and believe me when I say that my prayers are with your brother, you, and your family. Should you need absolutely anything all, don't hesitate to call me. And remember, though it may come off as a bit of a cliche, truly, the most important thing here is for everyone to remain, on an emotional level, as positive as possible--for this will do wonders for the healing process (this from another near-fatal car accident survivor). Let me know how you're all doing

--Narc

I thought his message was super sweet and wrote to him right away telling him so. (B tells me that his message was a "common courtesy" and that while he's proven that he's "human," he's still an ass). Anyway, while B was able to stay over my place on Thursday night, I really wanted to see Narc tonight. I just wanted to be with someone who would hold me and with whom I could fall asleep. I sent him a text last night asking if he would be free. I wrote:

Sorry to bother u, but wondering if ur busy tomorrow night. Found a friend to stay w/me tonite, but no one 4 tomorrow & i really don't want to be alone. Will be back w/my family on Sat, but if it's a problem, don't worry...I don't want to impose.

Now, I have to confess, my text was not 100% true. I know that if I asked Hammer or VJ, that they would both be there for me tonight. In the long run, they both love me and support me a lot more than Narc, but it's just that I wanted to be held by Narc, espeically now. He wrote back:

May have plans tomorrow night, let you know.

Does that sound like the same person who told me that I "shouldn't hesitate to call" should I "need anything at all"??? Anyway, typically, I didn't hear back from him today. So I wrote to him again:

Any word on tonight?

And he replied:

Will probably work straight through tonight, can perhaps see you early next week. Be well.

I can't fucking believe him. He's such an ass, and right now I feel like I don't ever want to see him again. I can't believe I'm still expending energy on this asshole either...especially when my stepbrother needs me so much and needs to be surrounded by as much positive energy as possible. I can't help it though. My heart is still broken. I still feel love for him and in the midst of this crisis I wish harder than ever that I had Narc in the way that I want him. I so wish I could lean on him, even if it were just for a little. But he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want to be there for me at all in any way. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself tonight now. Even though I'm exhausted, maybe I'll try to head back to Long Island after a nap and a shower...

Keep praying for my brother and I'll keep you all posted. Hopefully we'll have good news really soon and things can get back to normal. (God, it's only been two days since this happened, but it feels like an eternity!)

Update

It's a fucking mess. Things are really really really bad. Too bad for me to live through all of it again by describing it here. I can only tell you that my brother is a mess. They had to take off most of the top of his skull so that his brain swelling would be okay. To preserve the skull they had to put it into his abdomen. His jaw is being held on by a brace. He's covered in blood and bruises and his skin is yellow (I guess from liver injury). He lost his right eye completely. His body is all broken and he's living off machines. I feel like I'm in a fucking nightmare that I can't escape. The only good thing--no spinal cord injuries. Also, his blood pressure stabilized for a few hours last night. The bad thing--There's definitely brain damage. We just don't know how much. As I write, we're still waiting for the results of the first CAT scan he's had since the emergency brain surgery when they brought him in. But worse--there's little chance that he'll survive. If he does survive, there's even less of a chance that he'll come back and be the person that he was. We still have to hope for miracles though. I'm back in the city tonight because I have to teach tomorrow (only God knows how...). But I'll be back with my family for the weekend. Sorry this is so depressing. Sorry if you don't want the gory details. It just helps me to process it all to write it here. Hope all of you who read this and all of your loved ones stay healthy and safe.

-Hyde

PS: I thought my heart was broken last Saturday... That's nothing compared to this. I'll never make such a stupid mistake again.

Please Pray

My stepbrother was in a car accident last night. I just found out. Have to head out to the hospital on Long Island today. He's only 18. They did a brain operation, but he's in a coma now. They don't know how bad the brain damage is or if he'll come out. I don't know who believes in what out there, but please send out a prayer for him if you can...

I hate myself for being so self-absorbed. Nothing else matters right now.

-Hyde

Jack Can't Believe it Either

I can't believe it Hyde... I'm sorry that Narc broke your heart. :(

Saturday Afternoon Heartbreak, Part II

Okay, I left you guys off just as CouchSleeper arrived. Anyway, as soon as he got there, Narc started paying less attention to me. All three of us were sitting on the couch and it was a little akward. I don't think Narc felt comfortable being physically affectionate with me in front of his friend. His friend was very nice though. The movie he had to watch--Serpico with Al Pacino. We all watched it, but honestly, it was a pretty dull movie. It had a good premise (all about cop corruption), but I thought it was poorly executed. The best part was laughing at Pacino's crazy costumes.

In the middle of the movie, Narc said he had to go into the other room to call his mother. He has a really strange relationship with his mother. He absolutely hates her, but still needs to call her for money. Their family is old money and really very rich but I guess she's still in control of his trust fund or something. I don't know... I never ask not only because it's tacky, but because I really don't give a shit about how much money he has, and I don't want him to think that I do. He was on the phone with her for a while. When he came out of his bedroom, CouchSleeper laughingly asked him if he survived. Narc laughed about it too, but I knew it was hard for him and I wanted to give him a hug. I'm an expert at "denial" and had somehow managed to sweep under the carpet all of the confused and unpleasant feelings from that morning, once again feeling only sympathy and affection for my Narc. The two of them didn't seem to want to do anything except watch TV though. Serpico ended and they put on a slew of shows that Narc had TiVod--Real Time with Bill Mahr, an old episode of The Daily Show, some Curb Your Enthusiasm, and HBO's TaxiCab Confessions, New York. (That one was actually pretty funny--I can so see myself ending up on that show!).

Anyway, as you can imagine, the day was melting away. I was pretty fucking bored and was being pretty much ignored. I kept trying to make small physical contacts with Narc, like putting my hand on his, or holding on to his fingers. He didn't push me away or anything, but he was exuding a standoff-ish vibe. Hammer called me and I went into Narc's bedroom for a while to talk to her. I really hope the boys didn't overhear me. I fiddled with my my cell phone and B had sent me a sweet text. He wrote:
Sorry I got mad. Don't know why this Narc stuff pushes my buttons so much. Please forgive me??? Hope you're ok. Love you.
He and I are getting better at talking this stuff out.

I was supposed to go to a party that night--a friend of mine was having a gathering at a club uptown. Narc and CouchSleeper had a party of their own, somewhere in Brooklyn. Narc said he was feeling lazy and didn't want to go all the way out to Brooklyn. I was feeling a little lazy myself. I was running on only two hours of sleep and completely drained from the emotional upheaval that morning.

At around 9:00 p.m. we ordered in Mexican food for dinner. Afterwards, I was even more tired. I was still debating whether or not to go to the party. I got up and tried to fix my hair and makeup. It was hard because I didn't have any supplies with me and I looked all rumpled and smeared from having sex all afternoon. I did my best though and pulled on my boots. I was yawning.

Narc looked up from his spot on the couch. "You know, you don't have to go to the party. If you're tired, maybe you should take it easy. You can always stay here..."

"Yeah, but I don't know..." I said. "I should go to this party. I told her I would be there. Besides, it's Saturday night! You guys really want to sit around and do nothing on a Saturday night? I mean, if I don't go to the party, I should at least go to Cheers or something. We've been sitting here doing nothing all day."

"It doesn't matter that it's Saturday," he said. "You woke up early. If you need sleep, you need sleep!"

"I guess."

My eyelids felt heavy. I stood there unsure of what to do.

"Maybe I'll just take a Vivarin or something. Do you still have any?"

Narc went to get me the Vivarin. At that point it was almost 11:00 p.m.

"Are you sure you want to take this so late at night?"

"Yeah, not a big deal."

Narc was impressed that I could dry-swallow the pill. I thought it was funny. The Vivarin didn't help though. I was still tired beyond belief.

"Maybe I should just take a nap or something," I suggested. "Will you guys wake me up in half an hour?"

"Sure."

I went into Narc's room and collapsed into bed. The half hour passed and Narc came to wake me. I felt even groggier than before.

"Doesn't look like you're up to your party," he said. "Just stay..."

I wanted to stay, but I felt like he wasn't paying any attention to me. I guess I wanted him to try to convince me to stay.

"No, I think I'll go."

I called Hammer and left her a message that I was heading to the party if she wanted to come. I sat on the floor to put my boots back on. I was being deliberately slow. I really didn't want to go. Narc walked over to the door and opened it.

"Well?" He waited there for me to leave.

"What, are you kicking me out now?" I feebly smiled.

"No, not at all. It's just, either you're staying or you're going. Make up your mind, but whatever. Mi casa es su casa, you know that..."

"Maybe I will just stay then." (Looks like he wasn't willing to convince me) "But do you have something I can change into? I don't want to be stuck in these restrictive clothes."

Narc went into his room and got me sweats and a T-shirt. I settled into the big armchair in the corner of the room. He and CouchSleeper were fifteen minutes into some horror movie, Saw. I watched the rest of the film with them. It really creeped me out. I'm not very good with those...I get nightmares from them easily and I get very skittish while I watch them. After that movie ended (at around 2:00 a.m.) the two of them popped Snatch in the DVD player.

"Another movie?" I asked. What the fuck? Was Narc ever going to pay attention to me again or go to bed?

"Well, I've never seen this one," he said.

I moved to sit next to him on the couch and put my head on his lap. Normally when I lay like that he's affectionate and puts his arm around me. In this case, he let me sleep there, but still seemed akward. I fell asleep pretty fast. They woke me up at around 4:00 a.m. to move into the bedroom. More fucking. I started to drift to sleep.

"I'm really sorry about today," he said. "I really wanted to see Boheme."

His words cut through me. He didn't say anything about wanting to see it with me, only that he was interested in the opera. He didn't offer to pay me for the ticket or anything. In fact, he again tried to minimize what he had done.

"It's not a big deal though, right? Because you have a series. You can exchange the tickets."

"Not really. You can't exchange tickets for an event that's already passed..."

"Oh, well..." he didn't know what to say. I was laying on his chest. He just sort of gave me a little squeeze.

"I just hope you didn't miss it on purpose," I said.

"On purpose? No! I told you that I overslept."

"Maybe you overslept for a reason..."

"What, like you mean I subconsciously didn't want to go? If I didn't want to go, I would have said so. I wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. I'm not obliged..."

All the pain of that morning came back and constricted my heart. My chest felt tight and I couldn't breathe. Narc was drifting into sleep, but I just felt worse and worse. I tossed and turned a bit. Then, fuck it. I couldn't stay next to him. I hated him. I got out of the bed and started to pull on my jeans.

"What are you doing? If you want to go to the bathroom, you can just put my robe on." (Remember, CouchSleeper was doing his thing--sleeping on the couch).

"No, it's not that. I just want to go home. I just don't feel good."

"It's 5:00 in the morning! Don't you think you shouldn't be traveling if you don't feel good?"

"It's not physical, Narc. I don't feel good emotionally."

"Oh, well..." He rolled over with a little sigh of exasperation. Like he's so sick of my "histrionics." Then he turned back to look at me. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Not really...I don't know."

"Well, then goodnight." He turned to go back to sleep.

I sat down on the side of the bed. I was so tired that my head was throbbing. The thought of facing the cold street seemed like a nightmare. At the same time, I didn't want to lay next to him. I put my head down on the pillow, fully dressed, staying as close to the edge of the bed as I could. Within minutes I had drifted into sleep. A few minutes later, I forced myself awake. Fuck it, I would just stay there. I undressed again and got back in bed. He pulled me close to snuggle me. Soon enough, we were both fast asleep.

The next morning, my cell phone woke us up. It was VJ. I didn't mention this earlier, but she is going through a personal crisis and had called me in tears on Saturday morning as well. I didn't get to the phone on time, so she left a message. Narc and I fucked some more. Then we got dressed and peered in on CouchSleeper. He woke up and he and Narc went back to watching TV.

"More TV???" I asked. "Aren't you guys feeling brain-rot yet?"

"Want to get brunch?" Narc asked, looking at CouchSleeper.

"Brunch?" I said.

"Yeah, want to get some?" he turned to me.

"Sure."

"I can't," CouchSleeper said. "I've got to head back to Jersey."

Shortly thereafter, CouchSleeper left and Narc and I headed out. We went to a really cute restaurant called "Landmarc." I wasn't able to walk that fast because I still had my super high heels on. Narc was constantly two steps ahead of me. I didn't think it was nice that he had to walk a step ahead.

Brunch was good though, and we had some good conversation. We talked about real things and intellectual things. It was nice. He seemed really depressed though. I wanted to kiss him and cheer him up.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I'm just tired," he said.

"Maybe it's all the laying around and watching TV."

I suggested that he go out and do something exciting--something rewarding that he wouldn't normally take the time to do.

"Like what?" he asked.

"Like a museum. Remember we were going to go to the Whitney? You said you didn't have time to go. Now you have time, right?"

(For those of you who don't remember, I asked him to go to the museum way back in mid-January. It was supposed to be a "litmus test" for me. He agreed to go the night of BarMan's volleyball game, back on January 19th. He said we had to wait a few weeks though because he had to "finish his writing." After a while, I just gave up on the idea, figuring that he never intended to go with me in the first place. So I invited Jake to go see the Bill Viola with me, but we hadn't gone yet.)

"The Whitney?" he asked. "I never said I was going with you. I was supposed to go with ModelChick." (ModelChick is his ex-girlfriend. Not the most recent one, but the one before. And that's his nickname for her, not mine...)

"What do you mean? Of course you said you would go with me. The Wednesday I came here after the volleyball game. You just said we had to wait two weeks because of your writing."

"I did? No... ModelChick is a big fan of Bill Viola" (I highly doubt it...) "I'm sure I told her I would go with her."

(He is so good at these fucking mind games!)

"Whatever..." I said. I looked down at my plate bitterly. "If you want to go with her, then go with her. I have other friends to go to. I'm just saying that we did talk about this last month."

"Well, I don't have to go with her. She flakes out on things all the time. If you want to go today, we can go."

What? Was Narc offering me an afternoon hang-out? Was this his way of making up for what he had done to me the day before?

"Okay! Let's go. But I have to stop home first and change my shoes. There's no way I can make a museum trip in these shoes."

He agreed and we were off. It was SO FUCKING STRANGE to be out and about the city with Narc in the daylight. He was still acting standoff-ish and uncomfortable around me though. I got into the museum for free with my student I.D. The Bill Viola was amazing (to me) but Narc wasn't so impressed. I want to go back a million more times before it closes, so I have no problem going again with Jake. Narc isn't really that into modern art. He can't stand conceptual art that doesn't take a lot of technical skill. I know a lot about modern art and like a lot of it, but we just weren't on the same wavelength. He went through the exhibits much faster than I did so we weren't even really walking around together or talking.

We didn't have that much time in the museum before closing and I waited for Narc in the lobby while he used the restroom. Guess who I saw? Jude Law! I was super psyched because as some of you know I have a serious crush on him. He was with his girlfriend. The lobby was crowded though, and before I could get too close they were on their way out.

Narc and I headed out. We needed to cross town to get to the subway on the West Side. As it was a nice night out, we decided to walk through the park. While I've seen "the Gates" installation passing through the park in a cab, this was the first time I got to walk through them. It was twilight, and I clung to Narc's arm. As we strolled through, the park was absolute beauty. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but he still seeemd depressed and I didn't want to be invasive. We got to the other side of the park and onto the subway.

I had to head back downtown for a dinner party hosted by my friend IronChef. She was my boss in my first job out of college (at the largest classical music managment company) and then became something more like a big sister to me. She also happens to be an insanely amazing chef. Her mom is here visiting from Taiwain, so she wanted her mom to be able to meet all of her friends. Narc walked me to buy some liquor to bring to the party and then we parted ways. I commented on how much we had seen each other over the past week and we akwardly hugged goodbye. What do you guys all make of his distant behavior? I need some help analyzing...

Anyway, IronChef's dinner party was so much fun. MusicMngr was there who also worked with us at that company. She is a generation older than I am, but a lot of fun. The dinner party was a lot of laughter, wine, champagne and then my gourmet beer, and of course--the amazingly delicious food! Spareribs, spring rolls, a pork curry with lychee fruit, shrimp with apples and chinese broccoli. Yummmmm!!! I got pretty buzzed at the party on refill after refill. I left the place at around 11:00 and stepped out into the snow. It was falling freshly and pretty hard. I headed to Manchester. There I hung with Maeve for a little while, and a Domincan guy who works in advertising. He and I got in a big debate about politics and art and what constitutes art. He started to really annoy me because he kept contradicting himself, and even drunk, I was confident in my skills as a supreme debator. I finally checked myself out at about 2:30 because I knew if I had one more I would pass out. I stumbled home drunk in the snow. I guess today marks my first day of not drinking for the week...

Anyway, B just arrived for our weekly ritual of 24, so I better go. By the way, I keep having dreams in which this part of Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade" appears. It's on my tounge and my mind when I wake up. Hammer, your analysis please?

Their's not to make reply
Their's not to reason why
Their's but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred.

Saturday Afternoon Heartbreak, Part I

Warning: B--don't read this post. I know you'll want to kill me if you do. And for other readers, while I usually try not to be too explicit, I really don't feel like censoring my story so be forewarned...

Anyway, if you couldn't tell from the title of this post, things didn't go as well as expected on Saturday. But before I get there, I'll pick up where I left you on Friday night...

While my original intent was to hang out with Hammer on Friday evening, instead I came straight home from work, exhausted from teaching. I tried to relax and make it a cozy evening at home. I updated my blog, chatted with my mom on the phone and tried on a million outfits looking for the perfect ensemble for my upcoming date with Narc. After a little while, though, the "Hyde-itch" began. My impulsiveness and my cravings for night-life overwhelmed me. At around 10:30 I decided to head to Cheers. I promised myself that I'd be home by midnight because I wanted to get a good night's sleep in preparation for the opera. A girl needs her beauty rest!

Well, I suppose I should know myself better than that by now. Predictably, midnight turned into 1:00 a.m. and 1:00 a.m. turned into 2:00 a.m. The whiskeys were poured and the hours ticked by. I spent a lot of time talking to Lindsor, FightingMensch's ex-girlfriend. While I've met her before, we had never talked extensively. She said that I reminded her a lot of herself when she was my age. I had a great time because I was in a great mood. I was so excited about the next day. In fact, IrishBird noted that I was "positively glowing." When I told her why, she rolled her eyes, but said that she was "happy for me" anyway. Everything about the night seemed richer than ever. My voice was really on and karaoke was especially fun. I earned wild rounds of applause. Yay! My Friday night friend, Chris, was there making song requests, and BarMan's friend, Matt, was filling in for him as host. The Nigerians were back too, which was weird because I never see them on the weekends. At one point, when IrishBird saw me spending too much time in conversation with them, she tried to cut me off. (I guess she perceived it as a clear lack of judgement.) I insisted that I was fine and shifted to a new crowd.

Anyway, Cheers closed at around 4:30 a.m. I had texted Narc earlier in the evening that I wanted to fuck him, but would wait to see him on Saturday when we would meet at the fountain in front of Lincoln Center. Typically Narc was out partying as well, and sure enough, as the bars were closing, he called me back and invited me to his place. I was very drunk and don't remember much about our encounter--only that I was there. My primary concern was getting back to my place early enough to make myself look good for our date. Although we went to bed at 6:30 or so, I set my alarm for 8:00. When I was leaving I nudged Narc.

"Do you want me to set your alarm for you?"

"It's on the computer..." he mumbled.

"Oh. I don't know how to do it. How do I set this thing?" I walked over to his computer desk, searching the desktop.

"Don't worry about it. I'll do it. I'll set it for 12:30 or something."

"No, not 12:30! That's too late. You're supposed to meet me at 1:00. Set it for 12:00 at the latest, okay?"

"Okay. Don't worry about it."

"Right. See you in a few hours!" I said, kissing him goodbye. I dashed out the door.

Back at my place I showered as quickly as I could. I blow-dried my hair, carefully applied my makeup and put eyedrops in my reddened eyes. I painted my nails (in the "fuck-me red" color he likes) and sprayed myself with his favorite perfume. I got dressed and pulled on my highest-heeled boots, tottering out the door. I rushed across the street to the deli, picking up a cup of coffee and gateorade (for my hangover) and a chocolate croissant for each of us. Quickly hailing a cab, I was on my way.

As I like to talk to strangers, I struck up a conversation with my cab driver. I told him how excited I was, how momentous the occasion was, how I've been waiting for this for almost eight months now and how much I genuinely care for Narc. I explained how much I want Narc to be happy, and that I want to be the girl who can make him happy. I told the cab driver that things were finally good. Everything finally seemed to be moving in the right direction, and I was elated. As we pulled up to Lincoln Center, the cabbie wished me luck. I stepped out into the biting winter air.

While I had arrived 10 minutes early, I didn't mind waiting. I anxiously scanned the crowds around the plaza. I sat on the edge of the fountain, squinting in the sunshine, nervously chewing on the skin around my fingernails. I finished my cup of coffee. I waited. I finished my bottle of water. I waited. Couples and families found each other at the fountain and strolled into the opera house. The plaza was alive with life.

Fifteen minutes passed. It was 1:05.

The crowd began to thin out as people made their way into the theater.

Twenty five minutes passed. It was 1:15.

I started to get nervous. The opera was scheduled to begin at 1:30 and they don't allow latecomers to be seated. I tried calling his cell phone. It was off. I figured he was in the subway.

Thirty five minutes passed. It was 1:25.

I called his cell phone again.

"It's okay," I assured his voice mail. "We'll miss the first act, but we can watch it on the screens until they seat us."

I called his home phone.

"Narc, it's me. I hope you're on your way. I don't know where you are, but I hope you get here fast."

Could he still be asleep? My stomach started to turn. Was I being stood up?

An hour had passed. It was 1:50. I imagined Mimi and Rodolfo heading to the Cafe Momus, the orchestra soaring. I called his home phone three more times.

"Narc, where are you?"

"Narc, I don't understand why you're doing this..."

I was desperately sad. I called IrishBird. I told her that I was being stood up.

"He's garbage, Hyde!" she told me. "Don't let him ruin your weekend. Go into the opera by yourself. Hold your head up and enjoy that opera. You're better than this. That man doesn't deserve you."

"Okay," I told her. "I'll go in."

But I didn't. I couldn't leave the fountain. I felt paralyzed and glued to the spot. My heart was pounding. What if I went inside and then he showed up? My fingers and legs were numb from cold. My cheeks were burning. My toes were pinched inside my shoes and the balls of my feet hurt. Still, I didn't want to leave my station. I called B and started to cry. He got angry.

"I can't believe this asshole!" He was really frustrated.

"GO INSIDE, Hyde!" He was so mad at me.

"If you get sick from standing in the cold like this, I'll fucking kill him. I'LL KILL HIM!"

"Don't yell at me. I can't take it right now if you yell at me," I said. "Let's just hang up."

I didn't want to go inside. We hung up the phone and I started to cry. It was so cold that my tears seemed to freeze on my cheeks as they fell. The bitter wind cut through to my bones. I felt my heart breaking. It was a soft but wretched pain. My brain, my heart and my eyes felt frozen. Finally I entered the lobby of the opera house, angling myself so that I could still see the fountain through the large windows. It was 2:30. My cell phone rang. Was it Narc? No... it was Liu.

Liu told me that she was on the phone with Anxious' ex-boyfriend (another college friend of mine). She said that he was upset with me because he feels like I hadn't been returning his calls with enough enthusiasm in December and January. Fuck. I was in no place to deal with that. I had no mental space and my head started to feel so full that I feared I would burst. That my whole being would just explode and I would melt into a puddle on the floor. I couldn't breathe and started to cry even harder.

"Fuck him!" I told her.

Everything spilled out in a flood of words and emotion. She listened patiently.

I continuted to wait. I sent Narc a text.

Why?

I called Narc at home yet again. Yet again, I got the machine.

I cried quietly--a defeated whimper. My head hurt and my eyes were stinging. I felt so fucking defeated and I just wanted to sleep.

"I don't know what to think right now, Narc. I don't know what to feel. I don't know why you would do this to me... I don't know. I just don't know. I can't even... This is just not okay. I mean, I don't know what this is, but... this is really not okay. I don't know where to go from here. I'm just so fucking cold. So fucking cold and I don't know... Well, fuck it. I can't think straight... I'm fucking losing my mind here on your machine. I have to go. But this is not okay and there's nothing else really to say... Um....bye."

Finally, five minutes later my phone rang.

"What happened?" I asked him.

"Um, I don't know... I just woke up. Weren't you supposed to set the alarm for me?" (Thanks Narc, blame it on me.)

"No, you said you would set the alarm because I said I didn't know how to do it."

"Oh, well, I must have been asleep, you know? I don't even remember having that conversation. I must have been sleeping. But um, why did you wait for me for so long? Why didn't you go into the opera?"

"Why? Because I thought you were on your way here and I have your ticket. And I didn't want to go in without you! And now I've been standing here and it's so fucking cold..."

"You should have just gone in. Why would you wait outside for so long? You shouldn't have missed the opera."

"What? I don't give a shit about the opera! I don't give a shit about the cold! Narc, I told you--I care about you and you know that... You know that's what this was about for me."

"Well...."

"Besides, why didn't you pick up the phone when I called?" I asked.

"I guess the ringer was off..."

(Liar! I know the ringer was on because it rang earlier that morning when we were laying in bed. He knew that I knew he was lying. Neither of us pointed that out.)

"Well? What are you going to do today?" I asked. I waited for an offer. Would he come up and meet me? Would he take me to lunch? Offer an alternate plan?

"I don't know. I think I'm just going to get some food delivered and hang out here for a while. But you're welcome to come down if you want."

"You want me to come back down there now? God, Narc.... Why don't I just fucking kill myself?"

"What are you talking about?" he asked. "What's the fucking drama now?"

I started crying again, but softly. My heart was sinking and I felt desperate.

"Can you think of anything more self-destructive?" I asked him. God, I've never felt more defeated.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said, "but I'm going to be here hanging out. So if you want to hang out, come down here, otherwise, whatever..."

"Do you want me to?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure..."

I'm such a stupid fuck, you guys. I mean, really. What happens next has me convinced that none of this is Narc's fault. He is who he is and he's not going to change. I shouldn't engage with him, but I do. There's something so incredibly masochistic about me and there's something so incredibly sadistic about him. He left me standing in the cold for over an hour. He didn't pick up the phone because he didn't feel like rolling over and getting his ass out of bed for me. I think he wanted to see what I would do. How long would I wait for him? Would I get angry? No. I wasn't angry. I was just hurt and confused and I hailed a cab to Tribeca.

When I got there, he answered the door naked, scruffy and hungover. I sat on the couch. He went back into his bedroom. He didn't reemerge. What the fuck? I followed into the bedroom. He appeared to be sound asleep in bed. I couldn't believe it.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I shook him. "Are you going back to sleep? Why did I come here?" I demanded.

He opened his eyes.

"Look, just get in the bed," he said.

"What?"

"You heard me. Do it. Take off your clothes and get in the bed."

I stared at him incredulously, but did what he said. I stripped off everything. my thighs were still ice cold. I lay down next to him, but my body felt stiff. I started to cry a little again. I thought I would burst from pain and frustration. He pulled me close, burying his face in my hair.

"You smell so good," he said.

I remembered how happy I had been when I applied my perfume that morning.

"But your body is so cold."

"I know... it's because I was standing in the cold for all that time."

"I'll warm you up. Come here."

He started to fuck me. I felt my heart flip over. I was so confused. Maybe I shouldn't be here...maybe I shouldn't be doing this.

"No, I don't know..." I whispered.

I felt weak and my crying became a whimper.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore...I can't..."

I tried to push him off a little, but it only excited him more.

"No, really, I don't know..." I said. "C'mon... stop."

"Shhh...." he pinned my arms down. I tried to squirm out from under him.

"Fuck you! Stop...I fucking hate you! I hate you!"

The more I struggled, the more he liked it, and I hate to say it, but I did too. I managed to free one arm and hit him. I pulled his hair when I could and cursed him. He pushed me back down, suffocating me with his body until I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move.

"I fucking hate you!" I was really crying now.

When he was finished with me, he pulled me in to cuddle. "Shhh... It's okay."

"Oh honey," he sighed, "I'm so sorry I didn't make it today. I know how much you wanted to go. I really wanted to see the opera."

I didn't know what to say. I just felt numb from the over-emotion. I clung to him, still so confused. After twenty minutes or so, he wanted to go again. I was still spinning in my head. He flipped me over, and again I struggled. He fucked me so hard and I couldn't think straight. It was all so surreal...like a distant dream. He grabbed my arms so hard. It was too intense for me to describe. I mean, I'm not a good enough writer to express it here. But in a way, it's it was the most "true" sex we've ever had. It was good and felt more "right" to me in a lot of ways. I mean, in the past, our passion has been all fun and games or faux romance. But this tapped into something deeper for both of us. Does that make me crazy?

After another hour or so of fucking, he got up out of the bed. He was done and ready for the next part of his day.

"Time for food. What do you want?"

He went into the kitchen to get his delivery menus. I couldn't move and just stayed collapsed in the bed.

"I don't care. Whatever you want is good..."

I was numbed and my brain felt thick with fog from all of the crying. Who could think of eating? He ordered us sandwiches and settled in the living room while he channel-cruised on the TV. More fucking. Then the phone rang.

It was his friend CouchSleeper. CouchSleeper is one of his closest friends and lives out in Jersey. Whenever he parties with Narc, he crashes on the couch, so for a while this past fall, he was always there when I would arrive. I never saw him awake except for once though. Usually I would come and go and he'd stay passed out. A few times Narc and I even fucked with him right there in the room, but he never stirred. Anyway, what did CouchSleeper want? He wanted to come over and watch a DVD that he had to see for a screenwriting class. I guess he doesn't have his own DVD player.

"Oh, I forgot I told CouchSleeper he could come over today." he said, picking up the phone.

They spoke for a few minutes. It turns out that CouchSleeper was just around the corner. I got up to put my clothes on. The doorbell rang.

"How was the opera?" CouchSleeper asked.

Narc looked at me embarassedly. "Well, we kind of missed it."

The look on his face implied that we had both overslept or that we had opted to spend the morning fucking instead of going to the opera.

"No," I pointed out. "You missed it."

I told CouchSleeper how Narc had stood me up. Narc laughed, desperately trying to make light of it. I really do think he felt bad when he saw how much it had hurt me, but in order to cope with his own feelings of guilt, he had to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal.

Ughhh... Well, the saga continues (I stayed with Narc until Sunday night), but I'm running a little late this morning and have to get going to my voice lesson. I don't have time to continue with this post right now, so I'll try to finish the story later tonight...

-Hyde

Maeve's White Russians

These are fucking delicious! Go home and make one today!

Equal measures of vanilla vodka, creme de cacao and a dash of heavy cream.

Hung up on the Christmas Tree and Singing for my Supper

Things have been up and down for the past few days. I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged, but I guess it' s only been since Tuesday. I think that the reason I haven't written sooner is because I decided not to recount my conflict with B. First of all it's too painful, second of all it would require giving way too much background on a very complicated relationship, and third of all, I know that he wouldn't appreciate my making his thoughts and feelings public.

In any event, B and I resolved at least some of it on Tuesday night when he stayed over. On Wednesday morning I got up early to teach. Upon opening my eyes, I was happy to see I had a text from Narc. He had gone out drinking the night before and wrote me a text around 1:30, just as he packed his friend into a cab (which apparently was "hilarious"). He wanted to know what I was up to. Shocking! I mean, I'd seen the guy Saturday night, all day Sunday, all day Monday and Tuesday morning and here was texting me on Tuesday night. Has Narc made a turn around??? I wrote back to him telling him that I had been asleep, but that it sounded like he had a fun night. I mentioned that my super had finally unclogged the shower drain. He wrote back later that evening,
Finally, a clean tub!
I can't believe he wrote me back in the same day yet again!

I don't know...even as I'm writing this and thinking about him, I feel nervous. I just have such a giant crush on him! It's maddening.

Anyway, teaching that morning, I had a voice lesson which went much better than Monday. My voice is still pretty heavy and a little sticky on the high notes though. From there I went to school to do some reading and to my research seminar. After catching up wth Hammer for a bit, I headed home. I was so tired and vegetated in front of the TV for a while, but before long, I began to develop the Hyde-itch. It's always the most difficult hour of the day for me. At around 10:00 I decided to go out. I hadn't even eaten dinner yet and wanted to say hi to IrishBird so I headed to Cheers. While nothing awful happened, I still have a measure of self-hatred for failing (yet again!) to keep my resolve not to drink.

The evening at Cheers was actually quite entertaining. Two red-faced silver-haired out-of-town businessmen were sitting next to me at the bar--One from Colorado and the other from D.C. When I finished my sandwich I ordered my "dessert," a Jack Daniels on the rocks. Colorado turned around.

"I'll get that for the lady," he said.

While they were both already pretty drunk and a definitely a little annoying, I accepted the drink and we started to chat for a bit. Ten minutes later I found myself with an empty glass and ordering another. They insisted on picking up that drink for me too.

"You better watch it," said D.C. "You look like a lightweight...better make sure you can hold your liquor."

I started to laugh. "I look like a lightweight? I don't think so." (I mean, not only am I not a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, but I don't look like a lightweight either, so it was a doubly irritating comment.)

IrishBird came over to the bar. I repeated the comment to her and she laughed. D.C. didn't like that we laughed at him.

"Fine, you're so sure you're not a lightweight, let's see who can drink more, I'll do you one for one."

He was on beer, I was on whiskey. He was already drunk and I had just begun. It was an offer I couldn't refuse. He and his challenge were both just so fucking annoying.

"Fine, let's do it."

Over the next hour I had three more whiskeys (all paid for) and he downed two more beers. When we were done, I was yet unphased while he was sloshed. He was embarassed, which I was glad for. The two of them left the bar shortly thereafter.

Cheers hasn't put in the new jukebox yet, so they were playing the radio which featured a barrage of cheesy '80s music. IrishBird and I were belting out harmonies and laughing. She danced up and down behind the bar. At one point the theme from Top Gun came on leading me to daydream about Narc and the snowy weekend I saw the film at his house. I decided to text him:

Are you out tonight, or home being productive? I'm out & have had a few. Trying to decide whether to go home or not. (Top Gun theme on radio makes me think of u!)

That was around midnight. An hour or so later the bar started to empty out. An old-timer named Bob sat down at the end of the bar. While I had never spoken to him, he has always tipped his hat to me and I have always offered a nod or a wave, as we're both regulars. I decided to break the "fourth wall" and finally say hello. Around 1:30, PumpedUp gave notice for last call. I told him that it was too early and he teased me. I told him that I had brought Narc by on Monday night and we hung out with BarMan. He called me "sneaky." I wasn't tired yet so I decided to head to Manchester. When I got there, Maeve was tending bar.

"Up to no good tonight?" she asked me.

"Um, well, hopefully not..." I pulled up a stool at the bar.

"So who was the guy you were in here with on Sunday?" she asked. "You guys looked pretty close!"

I was surprised. I didn't even remember seeing Maeve on Sunday, but she told me we had conversed. She said that I had been fighting with Narc, but that we made up and that she had made us those delicious White Russians. (Now those I remember! She makes them with Creme de Cacao instead of Kahlua). I asked her what she thought of Narc.

"He seemed alright," she said.

A man named David sitting to my right turned to join the conversation.

"Who is this guy you're talking about?" he asked.

I started trying to tell the Narc story. It's so convoluded though that it was a difficult task to take up while drunk. My new friend was really quite interested and invested in the story. He told me passionately that Narc sounds "like a jackass" and that I shouldn't see him anymore. I tried to explain that things sound worse than they are. Narc isn't all that bad and the more time I spend with him, the deeper my "crush" grows. David said that I only think I love him, but I can't really and that it must all stem from a low self-esteem. Wow, did he get hung up on that idea! Not only did he decide I was cursed with low self-esteem, but he seemed to take it upon himself to convince me of my personal worth. We were both wasted and he leaned into me assuring me that "any man" would want to be with me and "any man" would treat me better. We kept talking in circles, but I didn't mind the attention. At some point though, things started to go a bit too far. He grabbed my hands as if I would fall into the pits of relationship-hell unless he could convince me of the validity of his arguments. Then he started to kiss me. If I weren't so drunk I would have jumped up right away. I did push him off of me, but not at the very first moment. Ughh... Now I feel gross about that. Thankfully later, I had an excuse to get up--a text from Narc. He wrote:

Just got text, on my way home now. Still out?

It was about 3:30 am. I jumped up and ran outside the bar to call him back. Yay!

"Yes! I want to come down and see you. I just have to end this conversation and get rid of this guy," I told him.

"I don't want to know about the guy," he said. "Just hurry up."

I told Narc that I couldn't sleep with him though, and I asked if he wanted to see me anyway.

"Of course." he said. ("Yay!" again. Things do finally feel a bit different between us.)

I went back in the bar to gather my things. David insisted that I not go to see Narc.

"Yeah, yeah... I'm going," I said, heading for the door.

David followed me into the street grabbing my arm and kissing me again. This time I pulled away fast and hard. (I had Narc on the mind).

"I really have to get a cab," I said, stumbling over to the curb. Thankfully a taxi came quickly and I was off.

I don't remember much about being at Narc's except for drinking beer with him, smoking Dunhills, and wishing he were as drunk as I was. I remember feeling a little embarassed that I was drunk and nervous that he wouldn't like me anymore. (As if he hasn't seen worse... Hell, as if I haven't seen worse from him!) Anyway, soon enough we crashed to sleep.

I had to wake up early the next day to do a phone-appointment with my therapist who's currently in Switzerland. I overslept by 20 minutes. It was akward to talk to her from Narc's living room. Thank God he sleeps like a rock, so I'm sure he overheard nothing. Therapy was really rough... a lot of stuff I don't want to go into, but it left me shaken up and in tears. I went back into Narc's room and lay down next to him, crying quietly. In attempt to keep my crying super silent, my body began to shake.

"Stop moving so much!" he said. "I can't sleep."

Now there's the Narc I know and love... Not a word about my tears.

"I guess I should go," I said, getting up out of the bed and pulling on my jeans. "I'll see you on Saturday."

"Okay."

I kissed him goodbye, scooped up the umbrellas I had left behind on Valentine's Day, and took off.

I was totally hungover (well actually still a little drunk), feeling depressed, hungry, and not in the mood to do any work. I called Hammer and arranged to stop by her place. We hung out for a while. She made me some quesadillas and I drank three glasses of grapefruit juice which made me sugar-crash. We talked for a long time about emotional stuff and listened to music while she cleaned her house. (Hammer--you're such a good cleaner!) At one point, she challenged me to a week without drugs (including the caffeine pills I occasionally pop) or alcohol. As part of the deal I'll have to stick to my food plan to get my glucose levels back in line and I'll also have to stay on my insulin medication. (I'm so bad about remembering to take my meds!) I agreed to the challenge. I mean, who knows what will happen. Maybe I'll have all sorts of brilliant insights and the world will become clear. We agreed to make it for Sunday to Sunday. (After all, I've got a party on Saturday night--it's no time to start a week long challenge like that!). If I win, we're going on a trip to MOMA. Finally, we took off and I headed home.

Thankful to be home, I showered and watched Dr. Phil. Unfortunately, I got absolutely no work done yesterday and feel rather lousy about that. In any event, I had plans to meet Bezukhoff for dinner at 6:30. We met at Uncle Vanya's on the West Side. I hadn't seen him in a while, so it was good to be able to catch up. I had some very yummy borscht and pelmeni, but started to sugar crash again from all the carbs. Bezukhoff kindly treated me to the entire meal--it was very sweet. He told me that in exchange, I could put on a little concert for him. We both laughed at the idea of "singing for my supper."

It started to snow while we were on the way back to my place. We passed a bakery that smelled really good and Bezukhoff (very unecessarily) bought me tea and a cookie. (I mean, I wanted the cookie, but he was super nice to treat me to it). Back at my place I sang song after song. I must have sung 10 arias plus a few Broadway songs and at least one torch song. He said that he loved the concert and I loved having an appreciative audience. Yay! I was in a good mood and wanted to stay in and watch a movie. For laughs, we decided to watch Brando in The Wild One. I love Brando in that movie (mmm...that insolence!) and the whole thing always makes me roll with laughter (the fabulous slang..."we were hung up on the Christmas tree!" as a euphemism for being drunk). Bezukoff also thought the whole thing was quite funny.

Anyway, today was my teaching marathon day and it left me wiped with exhaustion yet again. Narc and I are going to see La Boheme tomorrow--our very first date! As I was writing this, he just called me to confirm. I just hung up the phone and my heart is pounding in my chest. I'm really nervous about it. It's so stupid to still feel so fluttery. I mean, I've known him a while--we've been on this "crazy ride" for seven months now, and I still feel butterflies about the whole thing?!? Whatever... I just hope he has a good time, and I hope he likes me, and I hope I can come up with clever things to say. Ughhh... I hate myself for caring so much!!!

Anyway, I'll definitely let you all know how it goes.

Until then!

-Hyde

Golden Brando Moments (I've seen hoodlums like this before. If you don't get tough with them the minute they get out of line you're sunk.)

What are you rebelling against? Whad'ya Got?

Johnny and Kathie in the Diner:
Kathie: Where are you going when you leave here? Don't you know?
Johnny: (scoffing) Oh man, we just gonna go.
Kathie: Just trying to make conversation. It means nothing to me.
Johnny: Well, on the weekends, we go out and have a ball.
Kathie: And what do you do? I mean, do you just ride around? Or do you go on some sort of a picnic or something?
Johnny: A picnic? Man, you are too square. I'll have to straighten you out. Now, listen, you don't go any one special place. That's cornball style. You just go. (He snaps his fingers). A bunch gets together after all week it builds up, you just...the idea is to have a ball. Now if you gonna stay cool, you got to wail. You got to put somethin' down. You got to make some jive. Don't you know what I'm talkin' about?

Johnny Meets up with Britches, a Former "One Night Stand":
Britches: We really got ourselves hung on the Christmas tree, didn't we? Boy, was I green. Was I really green! I thought I was really livin' it up. I had me a guy and we were really gonna go. But we had a lot of yaks, anyway, didn't we, Johnny? Well say it, can't ya say something? Please, Johnny, I won't get on your back. I wouldn't do that. But we had a lot of yaks, anyway, didn't we?
Johnny: (coldly) What do you want me to do, send you some flowers?

Kathie's Strange Reaction to Johnny's Date-Rape Attempt:
Kathie: I'm sorry. I-I can't fight back. Too tired. It would be better, wouldn't it? Then you could hit me.
Johnny: (berating her attitude toward him) You think you're too good for me. Nobody's too good for me. Anybody thinks they're too good for me, I make sure I knock 'em over sometime. Right now, I can slap you around to show you how good you are. And tomorrow, I'm someplace else and I don't even know you or nothing.
Kathie: Do you want to?
Johnny: I wouldn't waste my time with a square like you. What do I want to knock myself out for? I'm gonna take you back and dump you. Come on, where're you going?
Kathie: (desiring him, she softly replies) Johnny. (She gently touches his arm.)
Johnny: Quit that.
Kathie: It's crazy, isn't it? You're afraid of me. I don't know why, but I'm not afraid of you now. You're afraid of me.
Johnny: (disbelieving) I'm afraid of you? Are you cracked? Come on, get on.
Kathie: (walking closer toward him) I wanted to touch you. I wanted to try anyway.
Johnny: Try what?
Kathie: I don't know. I wanted to make it the way I always thought it would be sometime - with somebody. The way I always thought it might be. You're still fighting, aren't you? You're always fighting. Why do you hate everybody?

And Finally, Talk About a Euphemism!
Kathie: (As she caresses Johnny's "bike,") I've never ridden on a motorcycle before. It's fast, it scared me, but I forgot everything. It felt good. Is that what you do?

Strange Love

Ok...a few thoughts for the day.

First of all: I have to stop being so dramatic about Narc. I mean, I hate when he says I'm dramatic, but we all know I'm an emotional girl and sometimes it's just not called for. After all, no one is making me hang out with him. I obviously enjoy being with him (and I definitely enjoy the sex). I should stop acting like a little victim who's being jerked around and used. If I didn't want to be seeing him I wouldn't.

Second of all: While he does completley frustrate me and is definitely into mind games, I don't think he perceives himself as a bad guy and I do think that he respects me. It's almost as if he's being so evasive and dicking me around like this because he doesn't want to send me the wrong message. Maybe I should point out to him, though, that he should stop saying his loves me if he wants to disappear and act like an asshole. I mean, talk about the wrong message, right? He thinks he's being "responsible," but he can't have it both ways.

Anyway, regardless of all that, it was still an unexpected treat to get to spend Valentine's Day with him. Where was I in my story? I think I left you off just before I left for my voice lesson on Monday afternoon.

Anxious was up and about and had done some grocery shopping. She made us some eggs...actually a "breakfast burrito." I went and nudged Narc to find out if he wanted one. He said he did, but never actually stirred from his sleep to come and eat it. In the meanwhile, B and I got into a fight on the phone. We've got some major issues to resolve and the fight only got worse today, but I'll write about that later. For the moment, I want to stick to the Valentine's Day chronology.

B was angry both because I called him so late the night before and because I had called him while drunk. (We have a general deal that I don't do that). I called him to apologize for my transgression, but he only yelled at me. He told me that he's "sick of hearing my bullshit about Narc."

"He's giving you garbage," he said. "And you keep going back and asking for more garbage and more garbage and more fucking garbage! It's your own fucking fault and I don't have any more patience to listen to this!"

I felt totally caught off guard. Even if B's right, it shouldn't matter. He's my friend and I need his support. On top of that, if I weren't the type of girl to go back for my refill of garbage, there's no way he'd be in my life anymore either. He certainly piled the garbage on for a long time himself. At that moment though, I just felt completley alone. I sent him a text telling him so. He didn't respond. I wrote him another text begging him to forgive me. A few hours later I got an answer.

"Of course I'm still your friend," he wrote, "but you're an emotional retard! YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT GET BETTER!"

Damn, he hates Narc! Obviously he and I were going to have to talk this thing out, but I had to go to my lesson and it was Valentine's Day and I just couldn't deal with it at the moment.

Anyway, my voice lesson was a bit torturous. I was really going on no sleep and I had smoked my share of cigarettes the night before. Ughh.... I have to say though, that considering the abuse I put my body through, it really wasn't that bad a lesson either.

Coming back from my lesson I jumped in a cab. I just wanted to get home as quickly as possible. I was afraid that Narc would have woken up and left before I came back. It was raining out and crossing through the park I got stuck in traffic due to the opening of Christos' Gates project. I called Anxious on her cell and she told me that Narc had just woken up and that they were hanging out. Talk about strange... The only other friend of mine who has ever met Narc is Hammer. I haven't even seen Anxious in months, and there she was "kicking it" with Narc in my living room!

When I got home, the first thing I saw was Narc sitting on the "bed" in the living room. (Anxious had slept on the pull-out sofa, so the sofa-bed was still jutting into the middle of the room. ) He looked like a fucking hung-over rockstar. His hair is getting a little long and scruffy and was all shaggy from sleep. He was wearing some rumpled up designer shirt completly open exposing his chest hair, and he had on black pin-striped pants. The night before he had been wearing a velvet blazer. It's a strange look and it was a strange sight. I'm not sure if I've quite conveyed it here. Anyway, Anxious was sitting at my computer desk doing math problems for her class. Narc was quite impressed that I had gotten up to teach and had managed to sing my way through a lesson. Good! Maybe now he won't think I'm such an unfit teacher. Maybe now he'll see that I actually have my shit together and can do what I have to do. Maybe now he'll see that I do actually have some discipline and I'm not 100% Id. I love that he got to come to my house too, because (as Hammer pointed out) he now has a context for me--pictures of my family, my paintings on the wall, etc. I'm not just some girl who shows up magically at 3:00 am to fuck him. Hopefully it will help.

He asked a little bit about my voice lesson. Even though I had been drunk, the night before I had tried to sing for him for the first time. I was happy that he was impressed with me. We all chatted for a while and then Anxious took off for her math class. I collapsed onto the sofa bed next to him. We cuddled and lolled in bed for a while, finally ordering a pizza and devouring the whole thing over a few hours of TV and fucking. He is such a hedonist like me. We are both all about the senusal pleasures and overindulgence. So all in all, it was a perfect Valentine's Day! Narc was sweet to my cat too which I loved!

The whole afternoon and evening he was so tender to me and I felt really close to him. We were talking about opera and I mentioned that I had tickets for the coming Saturday. He actually said he wants to go with me! (I'll believe it when I see it...) Later he started to doze off. (Don't ask me how the man manages to sleep so much...he had slept in until after 2:00 pm already!) I got up and played some piano. He was half asleep and listening and the room was dim and warm. My christmas lights were sparkling and reflecting in the windows and the mirrors. It was so nice--so cozy and wonderful. Later we cuddled and fucked some more and watched 24. Jack and Narc in one night! Talk about an overload of sensory stimulation...

After a while, Narc started getting cabin fever. I don't blame him. He hadn't left the house all day. We decided to venture out, although it was pouring rain and I was exhausted. I didn't feel like getting all made up, but I did make a little effort and changed into something nice. We walked over to Cheers. I was glad it was a Monday because PumpedUp and FightingMensch are never there on Mondays. In the past both of them have expressed the desire to kick Narc's ass (for making me sad), so I was glad I didn't have to deal with the tension. Instead, it was BarMan who was on duty. While we were getting ready to go out, Narc decided to finally open the gift I had left for him that morning. I got him a copy of my favorite history book because it has some chapters on things he's interested in too. I think he really liked it. He seemed really touched by my card (which I tried to keep appropriately nonchalent and well meaning) and he liked that I tried to share something of myself with the gift. He gave me a huge hug and kiss. I'm so glad he didn't feel "suffocated" that I gave him a present. Some guys are like that. Of course, he didn't get me anything or even a card, but I didn't expect him to and I honestly didn't mind. He spent the whole day with me for Valentine's, and that's present enough. (Okay B, again...stop wincing!)

When we got to Cheers, I told Narc I didn't want to drink. I sipped diet cokes and he had three whiskeys. I had to wake up early the next day to work on a paper I had neglected all weekend. BarMan was hanging out with us a lot because the bar was relatively empty. He kept making snappy jokes and being semi-flirtatious. I think it was because he was bored and we're good enough friends at this point that it's comfortable. Narc doesn't know that though, and I think he was a little annoyed that BarMan commanded so much of my attention. When he got up to use the bathroom, BarMan quickly came over to me.
"So? What's the story? Who's your Valentine?" he asked.
"The bane of my existence..." I told him.
I filled him in on as much as possible. He acted as if he hadn't heard about Narc before, but I'm sure that he's heard stories through the Cheers rumor mill. At least he was cool to me about it.

Narc was hungry, but it was after 11:00 and the kitchen at Cheers was closed so we decided to relocate in search of food. We walked up a few blocks to Opal, but the scene was pretty dead. He said he was craving some sashimi specific to Waikiki Wally's (I think he was plotting to get me downtown), so I agreed to move down there. Unfortunately for him, when we got there, their kitchen was closed as well. He insisted on buying me a drink, even though I said I wasn't drinking. (I don't think this guy is too good for me in terms of my abstinance resolutions!) He ordered me a drink anyway--something with coconut and ginger. I told him that if the one drink started me off on a drinking binge that he better take care of me. He laughed and promised that he would. The sweet drink he got for us was too much for me though. I started to blood sugar crash right away which only added to my current exhaustion. I got really sleepy and put my head on his shoulder. I said I needed to head home for sleep.
"Why don't you come and stay over my place?" he asked.
I was suprised that he wanted more time with me. We were going on our third night in a row together.
"I don't know... I have to wake up so early and I'll probably fall asleep right away which wouldn't give us much time to hang out tonight," I said.
"That's okay," he answered. "I just want to sleep next to you."
Well, you know me...I thought that was absolute sweetness and agreed immediately.

He wasn't nearly as tired as I was because he had slept all day. So when we got back to his house, he watched some TV and I fell asleep on his lap. An hour or so later he woke me up to move into the bedroom. We both fell asleep around 2:00 am.

This morning I woke up early to write my paper. I nudged him to say "goodbye" and he actually opened his eyes, wishing me luck on finishing my work. On my way back to my place I realized I had left my two umbrellas there and texted him about it. He wrote back to me as soon as he woke up. Strange that he responded right away. I guess he hadn't gone back into hibernation/rejection mode yet. (I know it's coming though, so I'm going to try to avoid calling him...)

The rest of the day was okay. I had to give a presentation in class today which went really well. Then I met up with B and gave him a Valentine's day card. He hadn't gotten me one either though, so I was a little sad. We left school and ate dinner, coming back to my place to watch 24 which I had taped for him. (He was out with his girlfriend on Monday night). We got into a big fight which left me hysterical crying--in fact, drowning in tears and literally racked with pain. It's all subsided now and he's still here and I think we've worked most of it out, but I really don't have the energy to explain what it was all about right now. I'll save that for tomorrow, if at all... I may never feel like talking about it, in which case, I won't.

One more point on Narc though... he said something strange at one point in our hang-out. We were talking about how I'm an Elvis fan. I told him that it's not an interest motivated by intellect; rather, it's purely an emotional attraction. Elvis just provokes a visceral response in me and puts me in a good mood. He didn't have anything parallel in terms of his own interests. In fact, he told me that he never has emotional responses to art or music, but rather, that he only appreciates the arts on an intellectual level. I can't fucking imagine that! I asked him if he has emotional responses to people, in terms of attraction. He said that he doesn't...that he only is attracted to people who impress him (intellectually, I suppose). He seems to be so completley out of touch with his emotions...like everything has turned stone cold inside him in a way. It's the total opposite of me. I am ruled by my emotions in a way that's almost suffocating. I dont' think we'll ever understand each other.

Oh well... I guess I should try to be more light hearted about everything. The fucking is exciting and passionate and as for the rest... it'll figure itself out.

So goodnight for now! Hope you all had a pleasant Valentine's day as well!

Happy Valentine's Day from Jack Bauer

"Hi Hyde, it's Jack. Just calling to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day!"

Three's a Company

I've already been to teach and back this morning and Narc is still sound asleep in my bed. Yesterday was really a very strange day. Narc and I woke up late and hung around the house until it was almost 3:00. I told him that he had to go by 3:00 because Anxious was supposed to come by then. I walked him out of the building because I wanted to run accross the street to the deli. He asked if I wanted to go for a pint, primarily because he wanted to see "my place" (meaning Cheers.) I agreed and texted Anxious to meet us there. When we got there, Cheers was closed. They're installing a new juke box. PumpedUp's dad let me in anyway, but Narc waited on the street. I told PumpedUp that I finally brought Narc to the bar and it was sad they were closed, but PumpedUp told me that Narc "isn't welcome there" and that I should leave him out on the street. I suggested we walk to Manchester because it's what I'm in the habit of doing when Cheers is closed. I left Anxious a message with the revised plan.

We got to Manchester and had a few beers and some snacks. We were just talking about a lot of different things and I felt really happy. Narc ordered a jack and coke and I was tempted. Okay, it didn't take me long before I ordered a jack straight up. I know I'm supposed to have quit drinking, but I fucked up. I just have to start again. I can't really remember the details of last night. Narc told me that he loves me though. He also said that we can't be together because we're "bad for each other." He kept telling me that over and over. He said that he loves me but he doesn't know how to reconcile this in his head. I don't know why he's so hung up on the idea that we're so bad for each other. It's only because he makes it that way. I asked him if I quit drinking if I would ever see him again (being that we only see each other when we drink).
"I don't know..." he said.
"Well, then, Cheers!" I said, raising my glass.
I don't really mean that though.

Anyway, Anxious was two and a half hours late, which I was happy about because it gave me so much more alone time with Narc. When she finally arrived, she was in tears. Apparently, she went to pick up her things from the guy who recently dumped her and they had an emotional talk. She felt freshly rejected. She came right up to me and I hugged her and she cried into my shoulder. Narc was really sweet to her and gave her a really big hug too.
"You're nicer than I expected," she said.
"Why? What did Hyde tell you about me?" he asked.
I smiled, but it was a weird moment.

Narc was supposed to go to a dinner party, but he blew it off because he "wanted to be with me," or so he said. It was really strange to hang out with Anxious and Narc. As we kept drinking he started hitting on her really openly. It was making me crazy. Also, we were talking about relationships and he told Anxious flat out
"There's never any reason for a guy not to call you. Nobody is that busy. Everyone has two seconds to make a call. If he's not calling you, he's making a point."
Well, gee Narc, could you make a more pointed comment? It made me feel really bad. I was getting drunk and hyper emotional. I told him that I hate him. He had his arm around Anxious. I told him that I was going home and that I didn't ever want to see him again.

He pulled me aside and again told me that he loves me.
"Doesn't that get through to you?" he asked.
I was so fucking confused.

The rest of the night was more of the same. The three of us got pretty sloshed. I'm suprised we all made it home in one piece. We got home at almost 2:00 am--that's almost 12 hours of drinking for me and Narc. I smoked up a little and we played piano and got a thumping on the wall from the neighbors. At one point earlier I had called B. He hates when I call him drunk, so I decided to call to apologize, but didn't realize how late it was. I woke him up and felt bad about it. Narc is pretty jealous of my relationship with B. He hates when I bring him up.

Anyway, at one point, I was pretty much passing out. Narc and Anxious broke a glass. It wasn't a good scene. We all fell asleep around 3:00 and I set my alarm for 7:00. It was pretty torturous getting up this morning. I was majorly hung-over. I feel much better now, though. My class went pretty well--I had to teach the French Revolution. Now I'm back (only for a few hours before my voice lesson) and Narc is sound asleep. Anxious apparently took off (to run errands) but her stuff is still here.

I left Narc his Valentine's day present near his keys. I told him yesterday that I got him a present and he laughed. That just about sums it up right there, wouldn't you say?

Narc in the House!

Yay! Guess what? Narc is at my house right now! The first time since July... (in fact that was the only other time!).

Last night was so strange. I went with VJ to get her tattoo and to consult on a new one for me. We got to the tattoo place at 8:15 pm. I finally left there at 2:00 am with VJ still on the table getting inked. The tattoo artist has an amazing reputation (has inked all sorts of celebrities, etc) but was a real flake. Since we were there after-hours, she wasn't being all that efficient. Two of her friends came by, she kept taking smoking breaks, and the whole enterprise went WAY overtime.

At around 1:30 or so, Narc called me, but I was still with VJ. I totally didn't intend on meeting him because I was so fucking tired and had to wake up early this morning to do work. Can't work this afternoon because Anxious is coming over. (Lucky me...) Anyway, I told him I was busy. When I left VJ I cabbed back up to my place, but he called me a few more times and convinced me to catch a second wind. I met him in the West Village at Bar & Books. I hadn't had a thing to drink, so it was really strange for me. At first I felt so disconnected from him. My leg kept shaking up and down because I was really tense and nervous. He kept telling me to stop shaking. He asked me to stare him in the eye. I tried really hard to stop moving and to do what he asked.
Then he told me
"You've never been more beautiful to me than you are right now."
"Why is that?" I asked.
"Because you're still," he told me. "And I can finally see you. Without all of the crap and all of the baggage and all of the stuff that we both carry around. You're just beautiful when you're still."
I didn't know what to say. Not drunk enough to think of an appropriate reply... I told him that he makes me nervous and that I don't think he's good for me.
"Well," he said, "You're not exactly good for me either."
"Fair enough."
I suggested a toast to that.
"But I guess we're stuck with each other," he told me.
"At least for the time being," I answered.
He gave me a funny look.
He told me that he had been really depressed all day.
"Well," I answered, "I've been really depressed all week."
We talked a little bit about art and the creative process. He think's he's not productive enough. I gave him a big hug and told him not to hate himself and that I like him exactly how he is. (Sick, but true). I did say, though, that I hate when he disappears to write. He tried to make some excuse, but I know that he heard me. He told me that he doesn't understand why I keep coming when he calls. I said that "I don't know either..."

Later in the evening he told me that he's given a lot of thought to why we met each other. For what purpose did we come into each other's lives? I asked him what he came up with. His answer actually suprised me. He told me that he thinks that I'm exactly like him. He said that for both of us, our intellect is way ahead of our emotions and that he used to think no one in the world felt the kind of pain that he's had. But he said that he sees that pain in me and feels like he's not alone in the world. He said that it's strange because both of us manifest it so differently in our characters, but that he sees me and he sees the kind of real pain that I'm struggling with and he knows me because of it in a way that he can't really explain. I didn't know what to say.
I just feel like I love him more after tonight. (Okay B, you can stop wincing as you read this!) I just do though...

I hate myself a little though because I didn't make it through my week "off the sauce." I had five whiskeys last night, which for me is not a lot, but I still broke my resolution. I'm trying not to beat myself up for it though. The more I hate myself the more I'll be driven to give in and drink whenever I want. Narc kept wanting to make out and kiss me in the bar. I was nowhere near drunk enough for that. I told him that too...that I couldn't sleep with him until I had at least four drinks. I think that made him feel sad, but I told him that's what it would take to make me do what I want to do, but not what I should do. I think it made him sad because he doesn't want to be bad for me. He sees himself as a good person and doesn't want to wrong me, you know? To prove it, he offered to come back to my place instead of his. The whole world is fucking upside-down, inside-out! I mean, c'mon! Narc is sleeping in my bed right now?!?! Weird...

When the bar was almost closing, some guy came up and started flirting with me big time. His name was Michael Faulkner...some business man who lives out in Jersey. Narc and I were arguing about Wagner's politics. I was trying to explain my paper topic to him. I couldn't believe the balls on this guy to come up to me so brazenly and make that kind of pass when I was sitting right there with Narc. I kind of liked it though because I think it made him jealous and when the guy left he kissed me even harder.

When we got back to my place we drank a little more (almost emptied my bottle of Jack) and had a lot of fun a la Narc. I just saw that there's cat hair on his jacket though and I'm worried he'll be upset. I'm going to go try to find a lint brush and see if he wants to get up for brunch. Only two hours til Anxious arrives. Damn it!

All right, more later...