HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NDN!!!
Anyway, I'm still on the crime dramas, but I haven't eaten a single bowl of cornflakes since that last post. Perhaps it's because I'm too lazy to go out and buy some more? I have empty milk cartons, empty cereal boxes and reams of unopened mail strewn about my kitchen. I seriously need to do something about it. It's only adding to my sluggishness.
I do have to say, though, that I feel better than I felt two days ago. Tuesday night was awful. I spoke to my mom on the phone and something came up about my dad and I just started crying.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I don't know... I just feel like he would be disappointed in me," I said. "I've always felt that way."
I think I left my mom bewildered. I don't know why I said that about my dad. I guess it's true, but it's not really true. Anyway, once I said it, I was in so much pain. I just cried and cried. But then, the next day was a little better. And today is better, still. My moods have been so all over the map in sobriety and I feel like I hardly know who I am anymore.
Yesterday I had a nice day... except for the fact that I lost my iPod! I am so sad about that, as it was a gift from B last year and I can't really afford a new one right now.
After teaching two classes in the morning, I went to church and prayed for an hour. I know I still had my iPod then, as I was listening to the Rachmaninoff Vespers. From there, I jumped in a cab and headed across town to meet B for lunch. I know I wasn't listening to the iPod because I called NDN to wish him a happy birthday and we had a little chat about his office mates. From there, it was lunch in a diner with B and then I walked home, talking to Hammer on the way. (So, again-- no iPod). And then it was time for a few crime dramas!
That evening, as I gathered my things to go to group, I reached into my bag and pulled out my headphones. There was no iPod attached. I dumped out the bag and scrambled through everything, but it was nowhere to be seen. I was quite disheartened.
Group was really great last night, although Brick (along with another group member) wasn't there. Our counselor decided to try "something new" and started us off with a chakra meditation to relax everyone. It's strange-- I know that I've always had jaw tension (it was a major problem I worked on in voice lessons) and I know that I'm a teeth-grinder, but I hadn't realized lately just how much tension I've been carrying in my jaw. I think all the teeth clenching has been giving me the headaches I've been suffering from lately. Trying to do that kind of relaxation exercise made me realize just how sore I am! My neck also...
I really don't know much of anything about "chakras," but I love crystals and do believe that they carry energy and have healing properties. So, of course, when I got home that evening, I ran to look up which crystals correspond with the fifth chakra, and when I saw that it was "light blue," I decided to wear my angelite ring today. (I know this is all making me sound terribly flaky and "unscientific," but I guess I'm a bit of a mystic, so... whatever...)
Group was good for a whole slew of other reasons as well, but I don't really want to go into all that...
When I got home last night, I talked to Brick on the phone for a little while and then just basically watched some TV and went to bed. I still haven't really been able to sleep with the phone off, and my finely tuned ears awoke to the gentle beep of a text message at nearly 2:00 am. Yes, yes... it was Narc. (I suspect this story has become dreadfully boring by now!)
At B&B. Out?
It was almost endearing how "old school" this text was. So, there was Narc... at Bar and Books by himself on a Wednesday night, thinking I would be out at 2:00 am. And I would have been... But I wasn't. However, a Narc is a Narc and Hyde is Hyde, so of course I wrote back...
:) I wish... I'm in bed... Drifting off to dream-land!
Alas...! Off you go, came the reply.
Would like to see you, I wrote back. So, let's figure something out soon... Was thinking about you tonight. (Then I wrote something smutty and inappropriate for the blog). Anyway, have a good night!
And that was that. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, writing him inappropriate messages, but at least I had resisted the call of the Narc! I didn't even have that much difficulty falling back asleep!
An hour or so later, the pounding tympanis of Zarathustra woke me from my slumber yet again. (Yes-- that's Narc's ring tone.) I let the call go to voice mail and then, in a daze, checked the message.
Oh, nice! Fucking, sleepy sleep-erson! Alright. Fine! Fine. It's about 3:00 am. It's Narc and well... You know... Shit... I just want... (he sighed, followed by a very long pause). You know... A human being in touch but, (then he said something I couldn't make out followed by another sigh). I would just like someone to talk to now, but you're probably out for the night. So... Give me a call if you're still up. If you're not, then we'll talk later. Alright. Bye.
The message was sad and slightly amusing. I went back to sleep.
My sleep was restless for the remainder of the night, and I must have woken up five or six more times. Then, this morning I woke up early without my alarm. I don't know why. Anyway, before teaching, I decided to retrace my steps and search for the lost iPod. I called the diner where B and I ate. Nothing. I called the church and went back there myself to check in the pew. Nothing. I called the taxi and limousine commission and left a report. Ugh! Nothing. So, I went for lunch.
While dining, I sent Narc a text.
I lost my iPod! Sadness. :(
N: Where? When?
I wrote back to him telling him the story.
What are you up to today? I asked.
N: Nothing at all, really. Trying to find a way to occupy myself, just now...
H: Hmm. Now that I have dvr, I've become terribly uninspired. I'm teaching today and meeting a friend for coffee, but give me a ring later if you feel like meeting up tonight.
N: Yes, DVR is the devil indeed...
H: Devil & savior in one!
Now, I really have to ask myself once again-- just WHAT am I doing??? It's like I'm doing everything I can to keep him tied to me. I'm giving him sympathy and kindness when he says he's not feeling well, I'm giving him smuttiness in the middle of the night, I'm repeatedly trying to make plans with him. And yet, I can see that in his message he said he just wanted a "human being" to be with... someone to be "in touch." Does that mean I could be swapped out for just about anyone? I realize how pathetic this makes me, but I can't seem to stop myself!
Now, I really do think that Narc loves me in his way. I know that most of you would disagree, but we can all agree that he's not willing to do anything about it and that certainly hasn't changed. So WHAT am I doing? I need to stop operating on automatic and stop operating out of fear and make some choices for myself and direct my life and let him go.
But I feel like I can't.
I keep telling myself that I also felt stuck in terms of the drinking. I also felt like I couldn't stop drinking, but I'm doing it. I'm doing it! But just how much can I do at once? Should I be hard on myself for this shit with Narc or should I let it go as long as I'm not picking up a drink?
I don't know... But I'm starting to become more and more aware how my behavior and my words more often than not have nothing to do with who I truly am inside... I betray myself constantly and naturally. No wonder I feel like I don't know who I am!
Ugh... I could ramble on about all this for a while longer, but I have to go teach and I want ten minutes to clear my head before going up in front of the classroom.
later...
-h-
4 comments:
I actually agree with you that Narc does "love" you, in his way. It's in quotes because I think that the love for you is not about you, but about what you do for him. He doesn't really see you for who you are.
You deserve to have someone who sees the real you, and loves you because of it.
I don't think you should be hard on yourself about anything. I've told you before that you can't expect to reform everything about yourself in one fell swoop - drinking, Narc, school, et. al. - you've got to do your best to improve yourself as best you can and be patient.
As far as Narc is concerned, yes, he obviously cares about you. But we all know it's not in the same way that you care about him. And the more time you spend with him, the longer you will without meeting someone who can return your affection.
So yeah, dan pretty much said everything I was going to say :/.
I can definitely relate with the whole betraying yourself and it just coming naturally. I find myself doing things that hurt me, and yet I do them as naturally as someone would do something that would make them feel better. It just feels more...right, I guess. I don't know. Hopefully someone will figure it out sooner or later :P
There is nothing unusual about knowing that something is wrong for you, but doing it anyways....
Like anything else it takes practice to be kind to yourself.
Everyone knows how to lose weight. You eat properly and excercise. Does everyone do it? Noooooo!
Getting out of a bad relationship has to be done like quitting booze.
But if we keep leaving and going back it gets us nowhere.
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