Sorting Through

So, I think I need to do a little explaining about what's been happening around here...

On Monday, what was most consuming my thoughts was my conflict with Brick and our "breakup." I talked it over with my (new) therapist and then went to an 11th step meditation meeting that night. When I got home, I called Shorty and we caught up on the phone. At around 9:30, Brick came by to pick up Lucy's cage and all of the stuff he had left at my house (several pairs of shoes, a suit, a bag of ties, a book, etc.). When he came in, he tried to give me a hug. I didn't want it. I don't hug people I'm not that close to, and apparently he doesn't want to be close. I think that friendship just means something different to him than it means to me. I was so very sad about the whole thing and went to bed early.

Five and a half hours into my slumber, I heard the phone ring. I opened my eyes. It was Narc. It was 4:30 am.

What??? Narc, Narc, Narc...

My heart went into an immediate panic and began to flutter about madly in my chest. My throat felt tight.

Don't pick it up, Hyde. Don't answer. This is NOT what you want for your life. This is NOT the path towards sanity. Ask yourself-- is this bringing you one step CLOSER to a drink, or one step farther away?

I didn't answer the phone. But I couldn't sit with it... couldn't live with it.

He left me a message:

Hyde, You're no fun!!! I'm eating a Boston cream. It's a doughnut that you buy from like, I don't know... any random doughnut shop. (Sigh) Oh so good... Yes! The Boston cream. I hugely recommend the Boston cream . Anyway, just me calling... saying I'm about to go into the Boston cream. And um, wondering where you are. Okay, call me back if you like. Bye.

Okay, I know that's an idiotic message, but it's Narc! It's Narc!

Not even a minute later, I called him back.

"Well that was fast," he answered.

"Yeah... What's up?"

"I'm just sitting here looking at a doughnut," he said. "A glazed doughnut."

"You are?"

"Yes. When's the last time you ate a doughnut?"

"I don't know, Narc. A very long time ago, I think."

"And why is that?"

"I don't know... It's a decadent thing to do?"

"I thought you were all about decadence," he laughed.

I wasn't sure what to think of all this. He was clearly tipsy but not wasted. I wasn't sure quite how to react. The conversation was awkward, to say the least.

"So, what's been going on with you?" I asked.

"Just out with a few actor friends tonight," he said. "Just back in. Thought I'd give you a call... see what you're up to..."

"Well, I was sleeping," I said. I wasn't sure what to say.

"How the teaching?" he asked.

"It's going well, actually!"

I started to tell him that I'm feeling more energized this semester, that I'm more on top of things and enjoying it much more. I also tried to explain that I've been changing.

"I've had a bunch of 'spiritual' experiences," I said.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah... it's hard to explain though." (I didn't want to).

"So it sounds like everything is wonderful." (Was that regret I heard in his voice? Jealousy? Sadness?)

"Yes, it's good, but it all feels strange," I sighed. "I mean, things are just different. I don't know what to expect anymore and that scares me."

"What do you mean?"

"Well... My life used to be so scripted. I knew just what would happen because the same things happened over and over. And even though I felt stuck and wasn't what I wanted, there was security in that. Everything now is so unknown. I just don't know what's going to happen next, or who's going to come into my life."

"In other words, you miss the drinking?" he laughed.

"Well..."

"You miss the drinking!" he declared.

"I guess in a way, I do."

"Ah, Hyde... So disciplined now. It's not you."

"Maybe it is..."

"So..."

"So..."

This conversation was so tense. And then it came out of nowhere...

"So... What are you wearing?"

I could have responded to that in a variety of ways. What the hell?!? I could have shouted, hanging up the phone. Narc, that's inappropriate, I could have admonished. It's none of your business and we're not going there, I could have said. But I didn't.

"Um... nothing..." I said, quietly.

"Why did you pause?" he asked.

"Because I'm not sure that you should be asking me that question."

"Why not?"

"Because I thought we weren't doing that anymore."

"Ugh, Hyde!" he sighed, as if exasperated with me.

Well, as you can imagine, the conversation got a lot more explicit. We basically had phone sex.

"I'm coming to see you now," he told me.

"No, you can't!"

"Yes, I can and I will."

"Narc! You have a girlfriend now! What happened to that?"

"We're not exclusive," he said. "What I have is a girl who's been in Russia for a month. And she was dating all these guys before she left... hip hop guys..."

"But I thought you said you were in love with her."

"Yes, she's great and all, but she drives me crazy. You know that!"

"Well, forget her, then... It's not good for me," I weakly protested. "I can't do this with you again... I can't..."

"Yes you can," he said. "I'm coming there."

"No, Narc! I can't... I can't sleep with you. It's too complicated."

"Does it have to be so complicated?"

"Well... yes! I mean, you know I have feelings for you. You know I'm in love with you..."

My voice was small when I said it... Small and pleading. I had already given in before my protest began.

"Oh, Hyde... I'm in love with you too! You know that!" he answered.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"What?!?! You are not in love with me! Don't say that."

"Yes! Yes, I am. I'm in love with you. I always have been. I've always loved you and I still do. Damn it, I love you, Hyde! What ever would give you reason to believe otherwise?"

Fucking unbelievable! What ever would give me reason to believe otherwise?!?!

"Maybe the fact that you said you didn't want to be with me Narc... That you have a girlfriend..."

"I already told you. I have a girl who's been in Russia and WE-ARE-NOT-EXCLUSIVE! I love you, Hyde, and I'm coming there."

"No, you can't!" I was in a near panic now. My head was spinning. "I have to get up early in the morning."

"What time is early?"

The battle was over. He had already won.

"9:00."

"What are you doing?"

"Meeting B..."

"Ugh, B!" he was exasperated again. "Blow him off."

"No, I can't. I could come to you, though..."

What are you saying, Hyde? What are you doing?

"You can't. CouchSleeper is on the couch," he said.

I should have known... That's why he volunteered to come to me.

"Well, you can't come here either."

"Do you think you could be really quiet?" He asked.

"Sure. Of course I can"

"Okay," he agreed. "Come down."

"Give me half an hour."

I leapt out of bed and shaved my legs, throwing on some clothes and a little lip gloss. It was just after 5:00 am. The night doorman was still at his post.

"Good morning, Hyde!" he smiled.

Good MORNING? Hyde! What are you doing?!?

The taxi ride was a blur. The same ride. The same city lights. I was going to him.

When I got there, Narc's doorman smiled to see me.

"Haven't seen you around here in quite some time!"

"Yeah, I know..."

"Still sober?"

"Yeah. That's why I haven't been here."

"Should I buzz him?"

"No, wait! Let me call. His friend is asleep up there."

I called Narc and headed up to his apartment. He met me in the hallway, grabbed me and started kissing me right then and there.

"God, I've missed you," he said. "I love you. I love you."

His whispers were coming in between kisses.

"Let's go in."

I tip-toed past snoring CouchSleeper and into his bedroom. He pulled me in and started kissing me, stripping my clothes off of me right away.

Now, I wish this were more of a sex blog, so I could record and remember every detail, but I'll spare you all of that. The entire time, he kept whispering how he loves me. He wanted to be so close. He stared into my eyes and cuddled me lovingly. I told him that I love him too. Over and over. It was absolute madness.

The sex went on for a really long time. Half the time I was there and with him, wanting to dissolve into him, wanting to be only for him.

"You're mine," he said. "You exist for me."

I let it be. I let it be so for that night. It was so for that night, even though that's not a sustainable reality for me. And I do believe that he loved me that night... even though that's not a sustainable reality for him.

But then, there were other thoughts.

Why did you come here, Hyde? This is not who you want to be! Where you want your life to go! This is not what God wants for you. This is self-will. This is what sent your life over the edge to begin with. This is not behavior you will be proud of. It's not an estimable act. And what message are you sending to Narc? That you're weak. That he HAS you. That you'll take fewer and fewer scraps and still be there. You were doing so well! You were sound asleep and feeling good about yourself. What happened to that spark? What happened to that feeling of "wanting to live?" This can not and will not bring you there. Why are you here again?!?

And then the next minute, I was back with him, becoming him, merging, released, relieved. I miss that release. It was drinking for me. That warmth inside my body-- that pulsing in my veins and that relief, that melting, that I crave more than anything.

Finally, he was finished and collapsed back into sleep. He pulled me next to him on his chest. I didn't know what to do. But he was out for the night and I had to get home to shower and dress before meeting B. I disentangled myself and pulled my clothes back on. Then I slipped away. Before I went, I sent Narc a text.

:) I wrote.

On my way home, I called my sponsor. I know the typical Hyde response to such an event-- SCRAP IT! I couldn't let that happen. So, I called my sponsor and left her a message telling her what went down. Then, back at my place, I fell asleep again for another few hours.

When I woke up, I had a message from my sponsor.

I went through something similar when I first got sober, she said. But I guarantee you, if you had been talking to me every day, like I said, this wouldn't have happened. If you want me to be your sponsor and you want my help, you're going to have to work the program and follow my suggestions.

She said that she wanted me to talk to her after that night's meeting. My initial reaction to her message? I was extremely annoyed. I do call Talis every day, but I usually get her voice mail and leave a message. I have been going to meetings every day. I have been doing my step-work. I thought she was hard on me in her message. This didn't happen because I haven't been working the program. It happened because I'm still in love with Narc and I wanted to see him and I wanted to be with him (and in an evil way, I wanted him to "cheat" on PopStarChick) and I'm just not in a place yet in which I would have chosen to do anything differently. That's what scares me. This wasn't a slip up. If Narc calls me again like that, I'll see him again. And that's the honest truth.

Since I was now pissed at my sponsor (perhaps a little misplaced anger?) I called Meema, my "sober sister," as she has the same sponsor. We talked for a really long time (as I sat in traffic around the UN) and I was glad for it. She knew exactly what I was frustrated about with my sponsor and shared with me how she dealt with a similar situation, and we talked through a lot of the stuff about Narc.

I had lunch with B that afternoon as planned, and tried to sort through some of this with him. Afterwards, I still wasn't settled. I was still mad at my sponsor and feeling like I wanted to quit AA. How's that for crazy thinking? I was mad at my sponsor for being hard on me about my own choice and therefore wanted to quit the whole program? That's definitely my addiction talking. So, I called my therapist and sat at the fountain of Lincoln Center, talking to her for a good half hour. Afterwards, I felt much better, less resentful at my sponsor, and recommitted to my sobriety. As for the issue with Narc, I concluded that I'm only at where I'm at. If I can't turn him down, I have to find another way. I agreed with my therapist to start shutting my phone off at night.

After that, I went into my (second) favorite church and prayed. And prayed. And prayed. Then I went and taught a class.

After class, I headed over to the AA meeting early. I have a Tuesday night service commitment as a "greeter." I still feel very uncomfortable and socially awkward and shy, but I'm starting to know everyone's name there, and being a greeter is a good thing because you get to meet a lot of people. It's a huge Tuesday night meeting-- 350 people or so!

Another girl who was there as a greeter has always given me a bad vibe. I've noticed her a bunch of times with a clique of girls and I've always felt like she's giving me dirty looks. We ended up standing next to each other though, and for the first time in weeks, she introduced herself. Then we started chatting. I realized that those "dirty looks" were all in my mind. She was really nice and I told her a little bit about what was on my mind with the Narc situation and she gave me some advice and her phone number. It was a good lesson for me.

After the meeting, I finally got to talk to Talis. She was also very warm and supportive.

"I did the exact same thing as you," she said. "I didn't listen to my sponsor at first and I kept on seeing an ex-boyfriend, and it brought me a lot of pain. I just want you to have less pain in early sobriety than I had."

I walked her to the subway and we chatted the whole way. I still don't quite feel connected to her, or like we're "friends," but again, it was clear to me that I over-reacted to her message based on my own fears, and again, it was another good lesson for me.

That night, I got home and into bed and was chatting with Brick (who called me... I'm still not sure how I feel about him or where our friendship is going) and I got a text. It was from Narc.

Up? He wrote.

What the?!?! I answered right away.

Did you just send this? Of course I'm up! It's 9:30...

He wrote back: Want to... See what happens... Home?

I thought that was a weird message. I could only interpret as "Want to fuck? See what happens when we've already met up? Are you home?" But the fact that it was such a poorly written text and the fact that he was wondering whether or not I was awake at 9:30 pm and the fact that CouchSleeper was in his company that day clued me in to the fact that he was probably wasted beyond belief.

So, I replied:

I can't tonight...Not sure that this is good for me...

After that, I knew I should shut off my phone. But I couldn't. What if he wrote back? (Forget it Hyde! I can't!) I called him. I know, it's weird, but I did. The fact that he didn't pick up? Again, leads me to believe he was wasted.

Hey Narc, it's me. Just calling to say hi. I guess we have some things to talk about. I mean... I just got your text. And this can't be a regular thing for me. It's confusing... complicated. I don't know... I guess I just wanted to talk to you about all of it. I mean, it was great seeing you last night and all, but... I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying exactly. Just that I think we should talk, so give me a call, okay?

That was that.

This morning I got up and braved the traffic and went to teach. (I also forgot to meet B at the opera where I promised to line up with him early to get tickets to a special event. Oops!) When I got out of class this afternoon, I had another text from Narc:

No, was just going to chat or what not. Talk in a bit.

Um... Yeah, right. Can you say "denial?"

Anyway, that's where things are at right now. I'm still trying very hard to align my will with what is right for me and to get rid of this obsession I have with Narc, but It's so fucking hard. All I can do is keep trying. I've got group tonight and I'll see Brick there. Ugh. Another emotionally complicated relationship to deal with.

But that's it for now.

Hope this post wasn't too long and didn't start to bore you...

lots of love,

-h-