I'm sitting here at the computer, typing a nice meaty post about my weekend, and my phone just buzzed. It's a text message. It's from Narc.
This morning I woke up and checked my email. I had a message from him.
Remember that "Kiefer vs Christmas Tree" clip? Finally saw a preview for the doc from which it came, entitled, "I Trust You To Kill Me". Movie follows Kiefer on the road for several months while he acts as tour manager to a friend's band. Check out the test screener review here--http://www.aintitcoolnews.com/display.cgi?id=24365
(I like the, "When he drinks, he drinks with much conviction" part...!)
Hope all is well
--Narc
Anyway, it took all I had in me to push it aside and not respond. I even wrote to B that I am trying so fucking hard to tune in to what is right for me, but it's hard. I don't really want to write too much here about "God," as it's something that I'm trying to clarify for myself right now, but I guess what I'm saying is that I'm trying to align my will with God's will... even if it goes against my every instinct.
I didn't respond.
Then, just now, I got a text. I swear, the man can fucking SENSE whenever I move an inch away from him in my mind! He knows it and he tests me.
Just dropped off the first EVER finished final draft of "Oceans of Light"!! Going to celebrate with a drink on my own at the Patriot... Dear, dear me...
Okay, so he wants me to come over. Yes... He wants me to come over. And I could... I mean, I can. But I don't know what to say. And I feel all of a sudden like I'm tied in knots and my knees are weak, and I want my life to be good, but I want him. I really do love him again, and suddenly am flooded with this nauseating needy love and I think that I want it and I want him and I want, I want, I want! I WANT.
I called my sponsor and she didn't pick up. I called Brick and his phone was out of range. I texted Narc back:
I'm proud of you! Very. It must feel so good!!! Would love to read it sometime. :)
I make myself want to puke. He answered:
Will have to give you a copy. Can't believe it's done... Now I just have to make the thing...!
And I wrote again:
Yes, but your life as a hermit is over. And great things are coming. Congrats. How's the good ol' Patriot anyway?
I haven't yet heard back from him. My instincts fucking SUCK. Suck, suck, suck!!!! I was doing so well... had so much self-esteem from doing right by myself all weekend, and then this.
You guys, I don't know why I treat myself like such trash... I just don't know.
-h-
3 comments:
No harm in congratulating the man, at least via text messages. I wish I had what it takes to write a screenplay already.
The only thing I would suggest is to get more phone numbers from other people in the program so that when you're in a situation like this, you can keep calling until you connect. You could also try calling people outside of the program, like supportive friends or family, to get your mind off of things.
You're doing really well, and changes take time. Talking to your sponsor about all of this as soon as you're able to get in touch with her should help a great deal with what you're feeling now. *hug*
The important thing is you stayed sober........
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