Cornflakes and Crime Drama

Life is waiting for me, but I just don't feel like answering its call. I'm trying not to get too lost in this mood or to overanalyze myself, because overall, I think I'm doing a good job these days, and I am sort of PMS-depressed, but even so... I feel a little malaise.

All I want to do these days is eat cornflakes and watch crime dramas in bed. Without a Trace, all of the Law & Orders, etc. Cornflakes upon cornflakes. Bowl upon bowl. Oh, and I've been cutting a little again. I don't know why, and I'm not proud of it, but it's better to be honest than to pretend it's not happening. I can't say that it's because I'm sad or overwhelmed. It feels more like I'm bored. Like if I don't make myself feel something, I might just zone out to the point of disappearing. Then again, I think I'm choosing to lay in bed and watch TV and eat cornflakes just so that I won't feel anything. Because when I do feel things these days, I'm overwhelmed and scared. Cutting is very ritualistic for me and calming. It takes up a lot of time. I don't feel like apologizing for it or condemning myself right now. It just is.

Anyway... on to other topics.

This weekend was pretty relaxed. On Friday, after relapse-prevention class (and my fearful reunion with Brick), I went over to Hammer's place to check on Jimmy. Then I came home, ate cornflakes, watched crime dramas and went to bed.

On Saturday I spent most of the morning doing the same. That was the afternoon I had to go down to Narc's neighborhood to pick up a cake for my sister's Rosh Hashana dinner. I texted him in the morning:

Hey, I'm gonna be in your neighborhood around 1:00 or 2:00 to pick up that cake. Wanna get lunch? Or is there a reason you didn't answer my text yesterday?

I didn't hear back from him until 2:00 pm, just as I was leaving the bakery.

N: Just woke up, call in a bit.

H: I'm 2 blocks from you, but can't stick around for long. Have to go home, change & catch a train by 4:45...

He didn't call me (of course not!) so I called him. He didn't pick up the phone. I left him a message asking whether I should stay or I should go. Realizing how ridiculous it was to be running late in my day, standing on his corner, holding a cake while emotionally immobilized, I decided to go. I wrote to him again.

Ok... Well some other time, I guess. I'm gonna call you once more and then head home.

I didn't hear another word from him until after 5:00 pm when I was on the Long Island Railroad (sweaty and frazzled from almost having missed the train) when he wrote:

Ack, sorry hon! Feeling terribly under the weather. Ugh. Kill me now...

Predictably, I responded with sympathy:

Oh no! Well, feel better. I'll be back in the city tonight. L et me know if you need anything. And get lots of rest! :)

N: Too much rest! Should probably get out for a bit soon.

H: What to do? Where to go, huh? Let me know if you find an adventure. I'm off to Rosh Hashana at my sister's. Her first "adult" holiday as hostess. So... Happy New Year!

Dinner with my family was nice. My sister's niece and nephew (D&D) were playing with me and were absolutely adorable! The little girl is six or seven and was fascinated with my cell phone. She told me that she wanted to call my friend, so I let her call B. It was really cute.

My cousins Jail and Jol were there-- Jail with newly dyed black hair and Jol with a new boyfriend. My sister's in-laws were there too, along with my aunt and uncle, grandpa, mom and stepfather, my stepbrother, LilSis, JBC and of course-- BigSis and Bro-in-Law.

The whole holiday was really nice, except I felt sad about my stepbrother. So often when I see him, I'm happy and proud for how far he has come, but this week, all I could feel was the loss. It's so hard for me to understand the why in all of this sometimes.

At the end of the evening, my mom and LilSis drove me to the train station. In typical Hyde-family fashion, even though we had plenty of time before leaving BigSis' place, I missed the train. They had to drive me to another station to catch it. On the ride home, I was exhausted beyond belief. Even so, I texted Narc. It was around 10:30.

Feeling any better? I wrote.

N: Bit. Watching TV at friend's place.

H: Ok. Well, I'm glad you got out of the house. I'm on the train back to the city. Have a good night, if I don't talk to you. And let's hang out some time soon...

I honestly don't know what I'm doing or what I'm looking for. I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know what I want or what I expect to happen. It's as if I'm operating on some terrifying, mind- numbing, cornflake fueled automatic.

Fifteen minutes later, he wrote back:

Feeling better definitely. Heading home now, though doubt I'll be able to sleep tonight, as I slept all day... (groan)

Now, that's an invitation from Narc, if I've ever seen one! I didn't want to answer. I guess I just wanted it extended. I got a text from TT inviting me out to Cheers, but I wrote back to him that I was too tired to go. I called Liu in Texas just to talk and to get my mind off things. At this point, I was in a cab on the way home from Penn Station. After Liu, I talked to the Cowboy, who had a lot of good advice for me. We talked for a really long time, and by the time I hung up, I was ready for bed.

As I climbed under the covers, I wrote him one last text:

Hmm... Looks like you'll have to bust out the melatonin! As for me, it's been a long day. Probably gonna crash soon...

The next morning, I woke up to a strange text from PonyTailBoy (I wrote about him in this super-long post from July). I decided to ignore the absurdity of my life and instead poured myself a bowl of cornflakes and settled in with another episode of Without a Trace.

That afternoon, I decided to try to help myself, so I called a girl from AA who had given me her number, but who I had never contacted. She was great and we talked for about half an hour. At around 2:00, B came over. We headed down to the West Village together to check on Hammer's Jimmy. After that, we had lunch at Burritoville and then walked uptown, first to Union Square and then to Madison Square Park. It was nice to spend the whole day just walking and talking with B. Next month we celebrate our 10-year friendship anniversary. I love him so.

Later that night, I talked to Brick on the phone. I had called him and left him a message on Friday and Saturday just to make sure that we're "okay" with everything. It looks like we're "friends" again, but of course, not in the same way. I am definitely going to proceed with caution, and the days of being super-close are surely over.

I couldn't sleep at all on Sunday night. I had tried turning off my phone-- my new attempt to avoid Narcy temptations, but I couldn't. I had too much anxiety. So much anxiety, in fact, that I could barely breathe. So I turned the phone back on, took a Lunesta and tried to count backwards. That didn't work well enough, so I started to picture myself in an outfit that I've worn each year, starting with the present, going back to my birth. I got almost every year except 1986 or 1987.

The next morning, I woke up and went to teach. After that, it was home for more cornflakes and television. Thankfully, I was saved from too much of that by having to get out of the house for a therapy appointment. It was a really good session. I had a bunch of new realizations about myself-- things that I don't particularly like, but that are true nonetheless. I have a lot to say on all that, but I'm not ready to yet...

After therapy, I met Bezoukhoff for a quick cup of coffee. We talked "shop" for a little while and I threw out some of my possible dissertation ideas while he talked to me about Soviet consumerism. Finally, I had to jump into a cab to make my 7:15 AA meeting.

At the meeting, I had a chance to catch up with Meema. Afterwards, I was bone tired (despite my vivarin boost) and so I walked home. I don't know why I'm so tired these days. Maybe it's all the cornflakes and television. I used to be able to run around on so little!

That night, I nearly finished a crossword puzzle and had a brief reunion with NDN, who had spent the weekend in Florida.

I got into bed early that night, and again shut my phone. But again, I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned until after 3:00, overwhelmed with anxiety.

Today I wasted most of my morning. It wasn't all a loss, though, as I got up the courage to call two more girls from AA. At 1:00, I finally got over to my school, grabbed a bite to eat and headed to my office to take care of some paperwork, etc. Again, I don't know why, but I texted Narc:

It's perfect outside today! I'm wearing my cowboy boots from TN... Ha ha. Have to go teach "the Rise of Christianity" in a few. What are you up to?

He wrote me back shortly thereafter:

Errands of the classic variety-- must return vacuum, etc... (groan)

H: You bought a vacuum? Or borrowed one?

N: Bought one, broke as I was assembling it...

H: :( Good luck with that. I am awaiting some furniture, some of which needs self assembly. Hope I fare better. Weird... As I was writing this, I was approached by a girl who I taught in 9th grade. She's a college sophomore now. God, I'm old!

(As you guys can see (from my last post), this just happened). His response to that was cute and unexpected. I guess I never really know what to expect from him.

N: Older and wiser... (wink)

H: I certainly hope so. If you think so, I'll take you at your word. :)

And then, something even more unexpected. Narc opened up to me.

N: Am beginning to realize I don't know much of anything these days! Don't think any of my actors "get" my script... May have to go back to genre writing...

Wow.

Well, as expected, I went onto automatic-caretaker. Here's my reply:

I still have to read the script, so can't comment there, but don't give up. The script is not the finished product. Realize your vision, put it out there & then decide. Your actors are not your audience. I have faith in you... That said, I'm also feeling like I don't know much. Told you-- I'm having weird spiritual experiences, etc. lately. Not sure what to make of anything anymore... But such is life, right?

And that was the end of our exchange.

I don't know what else to say, except that I haven't been doing my spiritual work this week, and it shows. I can feel it. I skipped meetings on Saturday and Sunday and I'm definitely not centered. I feel like I'm swimming in dangerous waters and I like it, even though I don't want to get hurt and I certainly don't want to die. I'm anxious because I don't like it. I'm anxious because I do like it. I don't know if I'm making sense to anyone, but I hardly make sense to myself right now. There's so much feeling in me, that I feel like I'm vomiting out of every pore. I'd so much rather eat cornflakes, stare at the television and methodically scratch at my skin until it bleeds. I don't know why, but I would... And yet, it's not what I want. I want to grab a hold of life. I want to get well. I want to live.

Just a few hours ago, I finally got on the phone with GoldenFinch. I haven't talked to her in forever. Well, I don't know if you remember, but she had a baby in April-- the month after my baby would have been due. So, I've never gone out to see her or the baby. It was just too hard. I have a lot of resentments towards her, and they were overwhelming me. Anyway, she directed me to go look at pictures of her baby online and they were just so beautiful. He is just so amazingly beautiful that I started to cry. He has her eyes exactly. And I felt like life was good.

But a moment later, I felt anxious. And then I didn't know what I was feeling anymore. I'm hoping that it's just a hormonal week... and that I won't have to spend the rest of my life munching on cornflakes to the sounds of Law & Order.

Anyway, I better get going, or I'll be late to AA. I have a commitment as a greeter, so we can't have that!

later...

-h-