Stella Maris

Catch up! Catch up! Catch up! I have A LOT of catching up to do here, starting with last Wednesday.

After teaching in the morning, I went to an AA meeting. I still don't have a regular Wednesday meeting, and I wanted to find a "Big Book" study, so I located one near where I teach and decided to check it out. It was in the church offices of a Catholic Church. The woman at the door waved me through, but when I got to the meeting, there was no one there. I sat there until ten minutes after the meeting should have began. Then a man came in.

"Oh good!" I exclaimed. "I'm glad you're here. I was starting to think I was in the wrong place!"

"Maybe you are?" he smiled. "I've never been to this meeting before. But even if it's just the two of us, it's enough for a meeting, right?"

"Uh... Yeah... Sure."

I was uncomfortable, but tried not to show it.

"So... What's your story?" he asked, pulling up a chair next to me.

I started to talk, but I can't say that I really wanted to.

About ten minutes later, two more guests arrived-- a toothless woman in a wheelchair and her husband. They were an incredibly odd pair, but I'd rather not say more than that, as I don't want to judge them or be disrespectful.

This strange "meeting" lasted about 40 minutes when the conversation began to run dry and the couple had to leave.

"I better get going too," I said, collecting my things.

I had had enough of that.

After that, I went into St. Paul's to pray. I love that church, sang a concert there once and have had quite a few spiritual "moments" there. (Incidentally-- it's the same church I went into right after I heard about my stepbrother's accident.) I prayed for a long time. I started to feel empty, but in a good way. I felt open. My head was spinning. It was a strange feeling-- almost a sexual feeling, but not quite... More like one of openness coupled with anticipation of some kind of "connection." I don't know how to describe it in any other way.

I have been learning SO MUCH from AA and one of the things that has surprised me most is how beneficial I find it to pray. I also think about praying so differently. I used to pray (when I was a little kid) for things that I wanted. Now, I have been trying to pray to align my will with God's, and it is amazing. All of this recovery is so fucking hard, but I'm just starting to have a taste of the kind of spiritual openness that might be possible if I keep working, and it's incredible.

Anyway, after that, I moved over to a statue of Mary and knelt down there to pray. I'm not a Catholic, but I do love the Saints, and Mary in particular has always been a powerful symbol of "motherhood" for me. I thought about what I've been talking about with my therapist in terms of taking better care of myself and thinking more about what "little Hyde" wants and what's good for "little Hyde." Suddenly, there in the church, I was overwhelmed with a powerful feeling of love. It was the spirit of motherhood itself, and I think I finally understood something. I don't care to try to explain it more than that. I can only say that I had a very meaningful spiritual moment and it left me feeling physically different.

Afterwards, I wandered into the church book store and picked up a random book, leafing through.

Mary, it read, also means "Lady" or "Star of the Sea."

I was stunned. I had never heard that "Star of the Sea" title (at least not consciously), but I have said for years that my apartment is named "the Star of the Sea." It comes from my mermaid obsession.

Later on in the week, I did some research, tracing the historical evolution of that name. I also found that the Greco-Roman cult of Isis referred to the goddess as "Stella Maris." Interesting, as Isis is also the goddess of motherhood. I feel like I was visited upon by some kind of divine goddess energy having to do with two things that I have always been drawn to-- mermaids/the sea and motherhood. And all of it was telling me that I already have the spiritual tools I need to take care of myself and carve out a life for myself that will somehow work. All I need to do is use them!

These things have been with me all week. I feel very close to that mothering archetype right now... that I need to do her work for her and do what's right for myself. I also feel like the enormous spiritual craving, that existential emptiness and hungering to be submerged in someone or something-- that hunger to be sublimated, to be annihilated, to worship-- may actually have a productive purpose if managed correctly.

I don't know if I can explain it any better than that for the moment...

Anyway, Liu was still here last week and I met up with her and the Cowboy after my church experience for some music store browsing. Liu and I are looking for some good classical duets. All the while, I was carrying around the 109 pages of Narc's completed script. (I still haven't started to read it. I'm not sure that I want to.)

That night, I went to group and then got a quick bite at Subway with Brick. After that we picked up Lucy and met Liu and the Cowboy back at my place. Liu and I sang through the Verdi Requiem duet, but Brick was tired and had to wake up early the next day for a temp job, so Liu, the Cowboy and I decided to go chat on my roof. But first, we headed down to the street to get some coffee.

On the corner, I spotted a familiar face. It was BulgarianGuy! As Liu knows Anxious from college, I was excited at the prospect of introducing her to Anxious' boyfriend.

It was a somewhat awkward introduction, as there wasn't much to say after the initial "hello's." To make matters worse, BulgarianGuy was on the phone with Anxious at the time and so we had to tell her about Liu's visit. Liu and Anxious were not particularly good friends, but Liu used to be close to Anxious' ex-boyfriend, Buke, and Liu didn't want Buke to know she was in town but with no plans to call him. Complicated, right?

Liu, the Cowboy and I talked late into the night, until we were all sleepy. I headed to bed next to a snoring Brick (whose alarm went off at 4:30 am!).

The next morning (Thursday), I woke up to a tearful message from Anxious. BulgarianGuy had never come home the night before and didn't show up for work. I called her back and reassured her that he was probably just passed out somewhere with a major hangover. I gave her IrishBird's phone number, as IrishBird was on duty at Cheers the previous night. It's strange though. It was weird for me to see that kind of drunk behavior from sobriety's side!

For the rest of the afternoon, I walked Lucy a few times, went to teach and finished up my Second Step work. I later hear from Anxious that BulgarianGuy had been found. IrishBird said he left the previous night with a female waitress. BulgarianGuy said he woke up at his friend's place. Anyway... that night I went to my home group meeting and then met with my sponsor to go over my step work and get set for the Third Step.

We had incredibly slow service at the diner, and I was anxious to get home, as I had arranged a get together with Hammer, NDN, Brick, Liu and the Cowboy so that everyone could meet each other. We planned to meet at Cheers.

When I got back to my place, I had a text from Liu saying that she and the Cowboy were already there. Brick, however, was nowhere to be found. I saw that Lucy was gone and that his cell phone was in my kitchen, so I figured that he had gone out to walk her. A few minutes later, Hammer arrived at my place and we caught up. We then met NDN in the lobby and were on our way.

It was a fun night at Cheers, but I didn't have quite enough energy. Hammer and NDN both left early, as they were tired as well. Brick eventually appeared with a dramatic story about having met a guy on the street while walking the dog. BarMan was being very chatty. The Cowboy did a fabulous impression of Jack Bauer shouting "who do you work for????" Later showed off some "horse-riding" dances and graced me with an Elvis impression as well. (Oh a bit of business-- I promised NDN that I wouldn't forget this-- as he left, he kissed me on the lips. Also, I have to clarify the name I gave to his friend, ScrappyGirl. NDN calls her "scrappy" but what he means by it is "feisty.")

We got back to my place at around 1:00 am. Liu, the Cowboy and I chatted and looked at pictures. Brick went to bed before us, after his 12 hour work day. Finally, it was time for me to say goodbye to my friends. I hate goodbyes. I always feel like Liu never left when she's here, and I wish that she still lived in NY. She is one of my best friends in the world.

I was really sad when they left. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and instead, just tossed and turned with Lucy and Brick beside me.

Anyway, that's all I can manage for the moment. I'll be back with more catch up soon!

Love,

h

PS: I'm late to meet Bezoukhoff for lunch. No time for a good spell-check or edit!