Narc Strikes Again! (& other random bits...)

Ok... I really, REALLY don't know what's going on here or what these communications mean! I was having dinner with the ever lovely Hammer tonight for Salmon Night when the following text from Narc arrived on my cell phone:

Finally watching "Downfall"... Better be amazing after all the hype!!!

Granted, I told him it was an amazing movie (I saw it last March with Hammer and the Wizard, and then again with B), but what is this about? Two Narc contacts in one day? After he told me he was dating PopStarChick? Is he still dating her? What the fuck does he want from me?

I made a commitment to Brick that I would NOT respond to Narc tonight, and so I won't. But God knows, it's tough.

B left for the Philippines yesterday. I always feel more anxious when he's not here. But we've been chatting a little online, so it's okay.

Hammer just got back from a week in Portland. The week before that, she had a guest from Portland. This is all about a very special suitor, of course. Hammer is very happy right now. But I'll leave it to her to tell her story. I was just happy to see her. With everything that's been going on, we haven't had as much time together in the past few months. But every time I see her, I'm reminded of why we are so close and what an amazing person she is.

Today was my last day of intensive outpatient and our counselor's last day at the rehab place where I go. As such, it was a very intense and sad session. To make matters worse for Brick, during the break, he got the news that his grandmother passed away. Even though he's not going to go down to Florida for the funeral, he's out at his sister's place in New Jersey tonight. I love Brick to pieces! Only one night apart and I miss him!

I sang for the group today and everyone was moved, and one girl even cried... a lot. It was really rewarding for me to move people through my singing. There are so many strange characters in group that I will miss. Religrope is moving to another treatment center for dual diagnosis. I'm kind of glad because he makes me nervous. Brick said that Religrope thinks I'm his girlfriend. Did I tell you guys he won me prizes at Coney Island and brought them into group to give them to me? Today he told me that he hopes the Lord's face shines upon me. He didn't single out anyone else for the Lord's face though... Oh, and as a side note, DBE-- the girl that Brick and I drove up to the inpatient place in Westchester-- made a return appearance. She still appears to be a mess and had bruises on her arm that she attributed to her brother. I have really been thinking about her over the past month or so, and I feel really helpless to do anything about her situation. It's very emotionally difficult for me to care about someone and not have it be my place or in my power to do anything about it.

Hmm.... What else? On Saturday I made a dinner party at my place. It went smashingly well. The theme was "Thanksgiving in July." I made three chickens (couldn't find a big turkey on short notice), stuffing, garlic mashed potatoes and a string bean salad. My guests brought appetizers, desserts and sodas. It was a really fun night. NDN was there, along with Brick, B and Drippy, BigSis, LilSis, Bro-in-Law and JBC. Everyone was talking and laughing and getting along. (I didn't particularly want Drippy there, but inviting her was the right thing and the only thing for me to do.)

I was exhausted by the time the meal was served. I slavishly cooked and cleaned my house the entire day. And having been "dumped" by Narc via text the previous afternoon, I was under considerable psychic stress. After dinner, we all sang for a while. I did duets with everyone and BigSis and Bro-in-Law revived an old favorite-- "A Dangerous Game" from non other than Jekyll & Hyde! Brick got over his shyness and sang with me for the crowd. He has a beautiful voice. And B and I sang and BigSis and I sang. (NDN volunteered to sing, but he's not much of a singer. He should stick to entertaining the crowd with his "awkward" humor and by showing his beautiful nipples!)

After that, the plan was to go to a karaoke bar in Little Korea-- one of the ones with private rooms. We brought in our own sodas and didn't have to be hassled with alcohol around. Again, it was a lot of fun. At the end of the night there, it was just me, Brick, B and Drippy. B and I had a little tiff, which was awkward, but we resolved it soon enough. Brick and I proved to be the only true late night people, so we went out to play pool after that.

I feel like this post is jumping from subject to subject, event to event. But, a lot has been going on for me lately. So much so that it's impossible to blog every minute of it anymore. I feel guilty about that, but I suppose I shouldn't. I need to stop feeling so guilty about things in general.

Entering "phase two" of my program, and with 73 days sober, I'm getting the itch to start moving forward a little in terms of work. I contacted my department chair and my professors that I owe work to. So far, I've gotten positive responses, but I have to go in and meet with the department chair on Monday and I'm really nervous about it. I'm trying to get life back on track in a professional way. It's hard. Brick is busy writing cover letters and applying for jobs. I'm really proud of him, too.

So many things have been changing. I miss NDN living next door to me. My new neighbors are a young couple. They seem really nice, but I haven't gotten to know them that well yet. And as for my therapist? I told her that I want a break from everything. We have some strange transference issues going on, and I feel like I hurt her feelings. Even though I'm trying to learn that other people's feelings are not my responsibility, I feel bad.

And then there's Narc. Narc, Narc, Narc! As usual, I don't know what to make of him. I just ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and I feel sick. Did I think it would help with the pain and panic in me that is Narc? I don't know... It didn't. But at least I didn't drink. I could betray myself and call him if I would drink. But I won't.

I just wish that things were different and that I could love him and be okay.

I wish... I wish...