The Meeting

Okay, okay... I'm blogging again and it's just one day later. Don't get me wrong, I'm renewing my resolve, but there's gotta be some room for fucking up, right? Don't worry...I didn't see Narc last night and didn't call him. I'm really trying to stick to that one.

That said, I did get drunk last night though. (Shit, shit, shit!). The only reason that the evening was blog-worthy at all is because a very strange thing happened. Now, I was going to wait for our "anniversary" to tell you the story of how I met Narc, but as this strange coincidence happened last night, I think I'll tell it to you now. Plus, I'm obsessing now, but hopefully by next week, I won't want to be thinking of Narc anymore. (Some of you who have known me for a while have already heard this story time and again, so in that case, you can just scroll past it. Also, if you're sick of obsessing about Narc, this post will probably bore you, but I'm just not done yet...).

Anyway, here's the story:

It was July 7th, 2004. It was a humid, pensive afternoon and I sat in Riverside Park journaling before my voice lesson. The whole world was dragging. B had his first girlfriend since our breakup and it was really hard for me to deal with. I remember that I was wearing a chunk of green calcite around my neck hoping that it would help soothe me. It didn't really work. Something strange was in the air, though. I remember staring at the peeling bark of the trees in the park and becoming almost hypnotized.

That afternoon I was hanging out with VJ. We had lunch and then while I was taking my voice lesson, she went to get her hair cut. I met her at the salon and bought an Aveda lipstick (which I happen to have worn two days ago.) Later that afternoon we went to see Dodgeball on 84th street. After that I ran across the street to pick up a bottle of wine. I was going up for a dinner party in Washington Heights. My friend NiS had just moved back into the city. (I hardly ever see him, but strangely I have dinner plans with him again tonight!) Anyway, it was a fun little dinner party, but I got drunk. Marlon Brando had died that week, and I kept going on about him. I took a car service home because it was late (after 11:00) and that neighborhood is shady. The driver flirted with me and gave me his card.

As I was slightly revved up from the alcohol, I wasn't ready to turn in for the night, so I went to Cheers instead. I wasn't yet in the habit of hanging out at Cheers by myself. When I went in IrishBird gave me kisses and a lot of attention. We weren't really "friends" yet so I was flattered. I remember being self-conscious. Was it strange to be drinking alone on a Wednesday night? I noted in my journal that I hadn't done anything like that since the night that Tampa Bay won the Stanley Cup the previous month...

I was, indeed, in a strange mood. Being up in Washington Heights near Columbia's Med School made me think of AIR7 and flooded me with the feeling of ghosts. I was depressed and just felt "off" and desperately alone. What a strange mood! I sat in Cheers writing in my journal, but when my handwriting began to get sloppy from the alcohol, I put down my pen and moved over to the bar.

While I was sitting at the bar, a blonde woman in her 40s came into the bar, pulling up the stool next to me. She looked like she had at one point been beautiful, but had since grown haggard-- fucked up and weary from life. We started talking. Her name was JFig. A man seated nearby, Peter Allan bought us drinks. (It's strange how I remember everything about that night). JFig was drunk already. I was well on my way. JFig was restless and after an hour or so of talk suggested that we go dancing.

"Dancing? It's a Wednesday night, and I'm not dressed for it!"

"Who cares! Let's just go!" she said.

I agreed. We marched over to my building and I left all of my stuff with the doorman except for my cash and credit cards. Then we set off. We walked up Second Avenue to 52nd street, but couldn't agree on where to go or what to do. She suggested that we head down to Webster Hall.

"All right. Fine with me..."

We got in a cab together and were off.

As the cab driver pulled past Webster Hall we saw that it was closed. JFig told me that she knew some other places in the Village, so we stayed in the cab and pressed on. She told me that she had dated "Dmitri" from the soap opera All My Children. I used to watch that show, so I was a little excited about that.

"Do you remember when he left the show because he had a problem with drugs?" she asked.

"Sure... Of course! That was around 1996 or so, right?"

"Right. That's when I was with him."

"Cool."

We drove past Tompkins Square Park and I told her about when I had to do community service there.

"What did you do to get that?" she asked.

"Oh, I used to have a coke thing in college," I explained.

"Do you still use?"

"No. I haven't touched the stuff in three years or so now."

"Oh. Well, that's too bad, because I have some on me," she smiled.

"You're fucking kidding me!" I exclaimed. "You have it with you?"

"Sure! We can do some at the club."

I was psyched, but nervous. This whole night was becoming surreal. Who was this woman I was with? She seemed like some kind of crazy angel of sin.

Anyway, we went to a club where she knew the owner. She knew a lot of people there, explaining that when she had moved to the city years before she had been part of some "in" crowd and still had some contacts. She led me into the bathroom and cut some lines on the edge of the sink. We snorted them up and then headed onto the dance floor. I danced with a few guys that night, but there weren't too many to choose from as it was only a Wednesday night. After a while, we got bored and left.

We walked over to another bar that she knew in the neighborhood. I'll never remember the name of that one though. (Probably for the best). On the way there we passed "Off the Wagon" and again I thought of AIR7 and that night on Long Island Iced Teas. The bartender in the next place was cute. JFig and I headed to the ladies room together, but as it was a single stall, the bartender told us that we couldn't go in together. JFig told me that she would go first and leave me a few lines on the back of the toilet tank, and that I should go in immediately following her exit. We did that a few times.

Two guys sitting next to us noticed our little act. One was an actor and the other told me that he was a "director." (Guess who that was?) We hung out there for a long time chatting it up with them. JFig was getting really fucked up from the drugs and alcohol. She was really loud and wasn't making much sense. I was kind of embarassed to be with her as she just seemed really far gone from life in general. She was flirting with them so brazenly. Not my style.

I don't remember the details of all that conversation. What I do remember-- a group of different guys came in and sat on our other side. They were all hipster-music types. I thought they were drunk, but couldn't tell, as I was pretty fucked up myself at that point. One of them started talking to me about his recording studio. It was then that JFig turned to me to say that she had run out of blow and that she was going to buy some more.

"You know where to get it around here?" I asked.

"Sure. I have a few numbers. One of them is a car delivery."

She left me there in the bar with the actor, the director and those music guys. The actor and director introduced themselves as James and Narc. They were excited at the prospect of JFig buying more drugs and asked me if we wanted to go back to their place. I said "okay," but that I wanted to wait for her and ask her first. James was especially into the whole coke thing.

JFig disappeared for a really long time, and the boys were getting antsy. They went outside to look for her leaving me in the bar alone. I continued talking to the hipster musicians to my left. One of them was going on and on about how he wanted to get me into his recording studio and somehow we started kissing. Just about that point, Narc came back in the bar--right when I was making out with that other guy! (Weird, right?) He tapped me on the shoulder and told me that they couldn't find JFig. I excused myself from the musicians and went outside with Narc. Indeed, JFig was nowhere to be seen. Narc and James told me to call her.

"I don't have her number," I told them. "I just met her tonight!"

"What? We thought you guys were like best friends," Narc said.

"No, really," I protested. "She's an absolute stranger, and a little crazy."

We stood there awkwardly on the street corner for a while. I was nervous. I don't remember how the topic came up, but somehow Narc and I started talking about my Master's Thesis. I had written on Schoenberg and Narc was impressed.

Finally JFig came back. She said that her friend was coming to pick her up in a car and sell her some. She wanted me to go with her, but I refused. I didn't want to be any part of a street deal. She suddenly started insisting that she wanted some "Rolling Rock" beer. I told her I would pick some up for her while we waited. Narc and James and I headed over to a nearby deli and JFig set off to meet her "friend." We bought the beer and I used the ATM. Shortly after that, JFig showed up at the deli. The grocer was Korean and she started saying something to him about "all the Chinese people." It was really embarassing. That woman was just fucking crazy.

Anyway, from there, we all got a cab back to Narc's place in Tribeca. James was staying with him because he was fighting with his wife and they were on the verge of divorce. (They've since decided to stay together and in fact had a baby!) JFig had picked up an 8-ball and we stayed up for hours drinking wine and doing lines. Narc and I kept having side converations about Schoenberg, music, spirituality, etc. JFig was mostly talking to James, but she periodically interrupted us.

"You guys are perfect for each other!" she kept interjecting. "Why don't you guys just get married already?"

It was really annoying and so childish, and again, I was embarassed by her. I wasn't sure that Narc was all that interested, so her comments made me feel awkward. He hadn't made any kind of move on me yet.

Anyway, at some point on Thursday morning (I think it was around 8:00 am), the coke ran out and it seemed like it was almost time to go. Things were coming to a natural close. Narc said that he wanted to "show me his room." Well, we all know what that means...

We ended up having sex three times. The third time he ran out of condoms and I told him that he should always keep at least four with him at all times. He laughed. We lay in bed for a while, and he told me that he really liked me from the moment he could tell that I was smart. He said it was from the moment we started talking about my thesis. I smiled but wondered if it were true. After that, he just wanted to kiss for hours. He told me that I'm an amazing kisser. I felt uncomfortable with all of it. I was used to one-night-stands Stallion-style--rough sex and no kissing. What was I supposed to do with this? I think he could tell that I felt strange because he cuddled me even closer. Of course, that made me feel even more confused. How can you be cuddled and "loved" by a an absolute stranger? I didn't feel okay until I was dressed again and back out in the living room. Narc didn't come out with me, but stayed in his bed instead and went to sleep.

I hung out with James and JFig for a while. We were all crashing from the coke, and the two of them were all over each other flirting, but didn't consumate because they're both married. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I started doing the dishes. I wanted to fix myself up, but I didn't have anything with me...no makeup or anything. JFig gave me some of hers, but she's a lot more tan then I am, and her stuff didn't match my skin tone. Whatever... Finally, JFig said it was time to go. She wanted me to go with her back to her place. She was so fucked up and was acting really crazy. Honestly, she freaked me out a little and I wasn't sure that I wanted to go with her. I went back into Narc's room to get my stuff.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Well, she wants me to go home with her, but I don't know..."

Narc told me that I could stay at his place for as long as I wanted. JFig seemed so out of her mind that I seriously thought about it. Was it better to leave with the crazy woman or stay with the boys I had just met? In the end I decided to leave with the JFig (as the boys were strangers), but Narc and I exchanged numbers.

It was awful walking out into the bright sunshine at nearly noon. It was a work day in lower Manhattan and everyone around us walked with such purpose. We weren't far from city hall and JFig was freaking out that one of her husband's "colleagues" would see her.

"Why? Does he work around here?"

She told me that he's a big-time city politician. I felt so strung out. We hailed a cab together and she announced to the cab driver that I had "just had sex." He laughed and I was mortified. She kept insisting that she couldn't go home in her "hooker shoes," she just couldn't walk into her building in those shoes...the doorman "couldn't see her like that!" I didn't get it. She wasn't in "hooker shoes." She was wearing platform sandles with ankle ties. In any event, she insisted on stopping at a shoe store on the way home. She told the cab driver to wait and to leave the meter running. I waited in the cab as she disappeared into the store. I think the driver thought we were both nuts. Well, I guess we were. I looked like absolute hell.

When she came back from the store, JFig kept insisting that I go home with her. I really didn't want to. I just wanted to go home and take a shower and restore my sanity and perspective. She wouldn't let up though. I finally got her to calm down by promising that I would go over to her place after showering and changing at my own place. God knows where I got the energy from, as I hadn't slept a wink!

When I got to her place, JFig was shocked at my "transformation." I guess I just looked a lot better all fresh and cleaned up. There were pictures on the wall of her and her husband with the Clintons, Giuliani, etc. Her husband looked much older than she was. She was drinking can after can of Bud Light and fiddling with her computers. She had about four laptops laying about and couldn't figure out how to use them. She kept going into the "settings" and fiddling with things you're not supposed to touch and fucking things up. She told me that's why she had four of them--she kept buying new ones when she couldn't get the old ones to work. Fucking insane. She asked me to set up an email account for her, and I did. Then she ordered takeout for us from some Middle Eastern restaurant. She got a shitload of food, but neither of us could eat much from all the coke the night before.

I just needed to clean out of my system, but JFig took out some more coke. She had bags of it hidden in odd places all over the apartment. She smashed it up with a credit card and it was getting all over the place. When I have that stuff I always try to conserve it carefully as it's so expensive and hard to come by, but she didn't seem to care. It was flying everywhere. We did some more of it, and then she started smoking weed. I couldn't belive how she was mixing things up--still drinking beer, doing coke AND smoking up! It was beyond belief. We used up almost all of her coke and then she said that we had to buy more.

"Where are you going to get more now?" I asked.

"Oh, I have a guy."

She called "her guy," and she made me go to the door to pay (she gave me the money for it). She bought a little extra and gave me half to take home. Well, that's how I got the contact without which I would still be drug-free. Oh well...

Anyway, I stayed at her place until about 6:00pm. I missed a tutoring appointment. I was supposed to give a lesson, but forgot about it and remembered just in time to call in sick. When I left her place I really felt like I was leaving the fucking twilight zone.

The next morning, JFig called me at about 7:30 am, but "forgot" why she was calling. She still sounded high. I bumped into her once again that summer but never saw her again after that.

So what happened with me and Narc? He called me about a week and half later to ask me out for martinis (I still have the message saved.) In the interim, I had bumped into the Stallion, whom I hadn't seen in four years, and we started our two-week torrid affair. It was fucking awesome. Narc and I played phone tag for a little while, but the martini date never happened. We finally caught up with each other on Sunday, July 25th. I told him on the phone that I hoped he wasn't "just calling me over for sex." When I got there, we hung out watching TV for a while. Then he wanted to do some strange meditation thing. I knew from the moment I arrived that we would end up fucking.

Anyway, that's the story of how I met Narc.

So why am I recounting all this now? Guess who came into Cheers last night? JFig!!! It was the weirdest thing... like some kind of strange omen! She didn't recognize me. She was wasted beyond belief and crying hysterically. BarMan gave her a hug. I tried to overhear what was going on. It seems that her husband was in the hospital and his ex-wife showed up and said that they were still married. I wanted to say something to her, but she was really hysterical and making quite a scene, so it clearly wasn't the right time. She stumbled out in an oblivion and was off into the night.

Last night I had a good time though. I told BarMan that Narc and I split.

"It's for the best," I explained.

"Hyde!!! You're telling me!"

He gave me a huge hug and it was sweet. I guess everyone has seen it except for me. I just miss him though.

Later NV showed up. We had a great time. He just "came out" to his mom, which was a really big deal for him. I wasn't planning on drinking and in fact hung out there for a few hours just drinking diet coke, but when NV arrived with his news, he bought me a shot. It was all downhill from there and I got wasted. ThursdayGirl showed up and was drunk. I asked her if she's "seeing" anyone, and she hinted that she and BarMan are together. Great Cheers gossip, right?

And guess who called me again yesterday? The Stallion! I texted him back:

Definitely need to catch up soon. Out w/friends tonight. What are you up to?

Stallion:
As usual, taking care of mama. Have a great nite-- just kicking it :)

Hyde:
Hope your mom's ok & hope I can see you soon. (btw--u know I love when you say that!) :)

Stallion:
I'll write it in the sky for ya!

He's cute.

Anyway, Cheers closed at around 2:00 am and I had the Hyde-bug in me so I headed to Manchester. I was pretty drunk. When I got there, Sean refused to serve me because I had been so wasted the previous time and he had to cut me off.

"What?" I protested, "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm totally fine!"

"Alright, Hyde. What do you want," he asked, "whiskey?"

"No. I'll have wine. And water."

He agreed, and I had a few. The guy next to me overheard the conversation and started chatting it up with me. I must have talked to him for two hours, although I don't remember a word of it. I ended up kissing him, but thinking all the while that I didn't want to be doing it. I just kissed him to kiss him, but my heart hurt because it was full of Narc. I knew it was time to get out of there before things got any worse. Finally I stumbled home. I slept in this morning and was totally unproductive, so I have to get myself moving now.

Anyway, one more word on Narc... I should have known from the very beginning that it was all bad. I looked back in my journal from last summer (and my pre-blog days) and copied down entries in which there were clear "warning signs." I'm going to type some of them out here, but don't read them if you're sick of this...

July 9th, 2004: I was kind of annoyed because he stayed in his bedroom and went to sleep (which I can totally understand because we were all crashing--coming down from the coke), but I still don't think it was the "right thing" to do.

July 14th: For a while I thought he was blowing me off and I got a little down about it.

July 29th: I hate the way he operates because he was being so tender and kissing and cuddling me, but all those messages are lies because he doesn't give a shit about me. I said that to him too--that he doesn't even care about me and he was like, "Well...it's more complicated than that." Somehow, I don't think so.

...You know what else I have to say about Narc? Fuck him for not asking me on a real date. Fuck him for making this whole ambiguous thing where we are fucking but not dating and not friends, but not strangers. I mean, it takes a certain amount of gall... Did I make him think he could do that because of the way that I behaved? AND futhermore, he didn't walk me to the door on either day that I slept with him... Seriously. He's treating me like some kind of whore. I think that should be the end of him. (Well, maybe I am...)

July 30th: He called me at 4:00 am and eventually asked me to come over, so I did a few more bumps and left, getting to his place around 5:00. I don't know what it is with this guy, but he seems to intentionally play games with my head. I told him I feel weird about the whole "closeness" thing but he keeps wanting to have sex that way--tender and he just wanted to hold me tight and cradle me. At one point he called me "MY Hyde" which really freaked me out. He didn't even want to fuck all that much... I think because he was so tired. But I still felt like such a whore being with two guys in the same night (the other was the Stallion) and in a way, that's what I think I'm trying to make myself feel like. I must be a whore because neither of these guys inteneds to care about me or my life or my feelings at all and I know it's because somehow I'm not good enough to deserve it.

August 17th: I called Narc this morning and left him a message on his machine asking him to go to the concert with me and I told him to call me back today. He never called me back so I just called him again (around 12:30) and he said that he has writing to do. He said that he has to "blow me off" because he's blowing off "all of his friends." Well, I'm pretty sure that not all of his friends are "blowing him," and for the first time, I'm starting to feel bad about this thing. A week and a half ago (the day I went over there naked under my trench coat) and stayed over, I asked him why we don't do anything besides have sex. He was like, "Well, doesn't that mean we're in a relationship then?" and I was like "Well, no. But can't we be friends as well?" I mean, he called us "fuck buddies," but I told him that we're NOT buddies. He told me that he "doesn't want to fall in love with me."

The Moment Hyde Fell in Love:
...On Tuesday I called him and must have been around 4:00 am. He told me to come over, so I did. I brought some coke and some Jack with me and wore my beautiful dress. We had really good sex that night, finally falling asleep around 9:00 am. The next day I woke up around 1:00 pm and did some work waiting for him to wake up...he finally rolled out of bed to walk me to the door and started making out with me so I agreed to stay... (then I give some details on our evening)... I felt so close to him that weekend. It's like I finally let my defenses collapse and took comfort in being near him. I know he sensed the shift. All of a sudden I lost all my power. So I thought maybe something was starting. I even felt safe for a little while...he made me feel safe! I thought he was maybe just scared to take the next step. So I asked him to that concert... Why couldn't Narc have said yes to tomorrow? He said he'd call me in a little while (as in, whenever he feels like it) and once again, I find myself in a relationship completely on someone else's terms... I think I need to end this thing here, but somehow, after this weekend it already seems hard...

August 18th: Once school starts I'm going to forget everything about this summer... I'm going to be totally back on track and do things right this time....

August 22nd: Narc has been totally blowing me off all week and it's making me depressed.

August 30th: When I got to the bar at around 4:00 am, he was totally ignoring me. So this guy at the end of the bar was talking to me and telling me to go home with him. Then Narc started paying more attentin. I confronted him in the street about why he never asks me out on dates. He said it's because "he's been hurt before and he really likes me." I'm not sure whether or not to believe him...

October 5th: Things were going along fine between me and Narc until I started to miss him when I wasn't with him and feel more than a "one night stand" type of feeling. I told him about this a few weeks ago and said we had to try to be friends "outside of bed," but he still treated me very badly. I tried to "break up" with him but we ended up reconciling--going to "Vanity Fair," etc. It was a real date and he was very sweet to me and I feel like we left off okay. After that, I didn't hear from him for a long time. I texted him when I found out that I passed my exam and he told me that he would be in the Dominican for 5 days but that he would call me when he got back. (By the way, that was early September, and he took a strange girl that he met online with him on vacation). The night I was with FourteenthFloorBoy Narc called me after his 5-day Dominican hiatus and wanted me to come over. Of course, I went, but he was shocked that I was hanging out with other guys. It was a little delicious because he never tosses me a crumb!

Then I wrote him two long letters in December pleading for more of a relationship and better treatment. (I already posted them here once before:)http://annalsofmrhyde.blogspot.com/2005/03/saturdy-and-sundays-fireworks-second.html#comments

December 17th: I feel sick with Narc in my throat like this. He texted on Wednesday nght and I didn't respond because I didn't have my new phone. But he said he would email me the next day and he hasn't. And this is maddening. It's the worst punishment of all... I wish I could share something like this concert with him... that Narc weren't the worst kind of bad for me. That this ache would go away and that I would stop wanting to punish myself. I know why he's not writing back to my emails... because there is nothing he can say (except sorry). Because every single word I've said is true and he still can't offer anything remotely acceptable.

...Narc is back only two seconds form my mind although there's no denying at this point that he's an asshole. What I feel can't be love--only some fucked up Freudian compulsion.

...Okay, so I fucking gave in and texted him. And now I'm stuck on the raw end of hell waiting for him to call me back and feeling like I love him and all sorts of shit that I know to not be true and since I can't say it to anyone in any way that approximates comprehension, it will have to remain a "platonic blue," a feeling a death... Where is Narc???

December 22nd: I can't believe what Narc said to me last night. That I have a "tremendous heart and that someone will want it, just not him." He said that I'm just not healthy and that's why he doesn't want to associate with me.

December 26th: I hate Narc. I hate everyone who's ever made me feel like I have to change myself and apologize for who I am. I won't do it.

And that's when this blog started.

So...Narc....the man I love? This has been torture from the beginning!!! What the fuck is wrong with me? I really think I'm just a drama junkie with a thing for emotional absue. But looking back at all of this has been good for me overall. I think I feel the first little spark of starting to get over this...

-An ever so obsessed Hyde-