I Favor a Punishing Kiss.

"If you need something to feel
Then favour a punishing kiss
It helps chase the wasted afternoons"

**********************************************
This week has been hard. Well, all of the past few weeks have been hard. But this past weekend, I am feeling yet another transition. Thursday was my last day of the intensive outpatient program. This week I have to get used to only going to groups twice a week. Then, on Friday, I had a really rough night. Let me try to catch you up a little...

On Friday I was depressed. I came home in the late afternoon and laid in bed and put layers of shimmering charcoal colored makeup around my eyes until I stared back at myself, hollow in the mirror. Then I painted my cheeks with a peach flush. I thought of Mimi and Violetta and all of those tubercular heroines (as I often do). Then I put a pale pink eye shadow on my lips and painted over it with a gold gloss. And then I just lay on my bed and stared at myself in the mirror. And I took some pictures of myself (and my cat) with my cell phone.

Brick arrived at around 7:00 pm with two cans of Red Line. It's an "energy drink" that he has taken a few times to help fuel his workouts. I was wary of it and told him so, as there is a huge warning label on the bottle saying "not to take if under 18, pregnant or nursing, on CNS stimulants," etc. It also says to start with a 1/4 of a bottle "to gauge tolerance." It has some weird non-FDA approved ingredient that quickly raises and lowers your body temperature alternately giving you the chills and the sweats. Anyway, I was so tired and depressed and so wanting a "Friday night" that I drank half a bottle. It was NOT sober behavior, and I knew it. And I felt like shit about it.

Fuck it, I thought. (More addict-thinking. Ugh!)

We left my place and headed uptown, settling in at an Italian restaurant I hadn't been to since a date with SeattleGuy back in November, 2004! It was the start to a very strange evening. It felt like we had left NY once through the door of that place. The women there had big hair... permed hair... 80's hair, and lots of it!

"I didn't know so many women still used Dep," Brick laughed.

The place had a pianist and red and white checkered tableclothes. Brick went up to the pianist and asked if I could sing something. We were told we had to wait for a little while, but before heading out, I sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and then "Can't Help Loving that Man of Mine." An old man and woman were sitting at the piano. They started to talk to me and asked me about my "career." I told them that I study and teach European history. The old woman told me that she is always trying to remember the date of the French Revolution.

After that, it was off to the Townhouse. If you remember, I first discovered that place after meeting a waiter that works there at Marie's Crisis back over Memorial Day weekend. (I dubbed him PonytailBoy at the time.) That night back in May, he was staring at me at the bar. And at the time, when he gave me his number, I swore he was hitting on me. But when I got to the Townhouse and saw him the following month, I found out that he's gay.

I must have been confused or misreading things, I thought.

This Friday he was once again strangely flirtatious. I don't get it. Even Brick noticed that his behavior was strange. I sang a few numbers there, including a duet with PonytailBoy. When I was leaving he grabbed onto my arm and wanted to exchange numbers again. He told me that he might be getting a job at Brandy's.

Anyway, Brick and I decided we had enough of that, and headed across the street to Oscar Wilde's for a round of pool. I was sweating and shivering and had definitely peaked from the Red Line. We asked to reserve the pool table, but unfortunately, while we were having a smoke out back, three other guys snagged it. So we played some songs on the jukebox (including Dolly and the Divynls) and downed a few diet cokes.

Then the night started to get interesting. Brick bumped into an aggressively flirty guy he had met there the previous week. Flirty was there with a friend and they wanted to play us doubles in pool. Flirty demanded a kiss if we lost. Well... we lost. Brick and I each gave him a peck on the lips. Then all four of us went out back for a smoke. Flirty declared that he wanted an open-lipped kiss with a tongue. His friend added that I should have to kiss him if we lost. (Does anyone else find that odd, given that we were in a gay bar? Again... I'm failing to understand gay men). Well, guess what? We lost again. (None of you would be surprised at that if you saw my pathetic pool game). So, Brick kissed Flirty and I kissed his friend. It was strange. I haven't kissed anyone except Narc in a really, really long time.

"Your kiss is so soft," the friend said to me. "So different from a man. You're a good kisser."

"Um, thanks..."

After that, I think the guy had a mini-crush on me or something. Brick agreed.

Anyway, we all went back out to the garden for another cigarette. Brick told the guys that I sing and they all insisted that I sing something. So I did. I was nervous, and quickly went to take a sip of my soda after the song. It wasn't long before I realized I had picked up the wrong drink. That was unmistakably whiskey gliding down my throat. That was unmistakably whiskey warming my throat, spreading in my chest, warming my stomach with its golden rays. That was whiskey on my breath, in my blood. The taste of Narc's kisses. The syrupy sweetness it lends to diet soda. Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey! The lips of an old lover. One that I'm trying to forget... regret... I flipped out. I felt a sob in my throat and a tear in my chest. Was I breathing?

"Don't worry about it!" Flirty said. "It's all cool. I don't mind that you drank from my glass. There's not germs there or anything..."

"No, it's not that!"

I felt my face flushing.

"It's just that I can't drink. I can't!"

Brick looked concerned. So did the other two guys. I had to explain my panic, and so it came out that Brick and I are both addicts. It was all a little strange, the way that all unfolded.

"Sing us something else, Hyde!" Brick smiled.

I think he thought it would help calm me down. It did.

After that, we were approached by another group of people. Some girl came up to Brick and asked if he were from Texas. (He was wearing his standard Longhorns cap and the cowboy boots we got in TN).

"No. From Chelsea," he laughed.

It opened up a conversation though. They all applauded my singing, and one among them, a young guy with an innocent face, MMJr, told me that he's a singer too. He sang a few bars of "I'll Cover You" from Rent. Then he introduced me to his boyfriend. In the meanwhile, a man with a Spanish accent in a white shirt and a cap sitting in the corner came up to me and asked if I would sing a song for him and his friend. (Brick later said that he thought the guy was a prostitute). So, I did. I sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" for them. At the end, the guy stood up and put his arms around me.

"Your voice is beautiful! Beautiful! You are beautiful!" he declared. He kissed my cheek and then kissed my ear, sticking his tongue in my ear. I squirmed away.

"Thanks," I weakly smiled.

"Isn't it beautiful?" he asked his mate. "She has a sexual voice! She is passionate. I think she is an amazing lover. A goddess in the bedroom."

This was getting too weird for me. I still managed to stand there politely, though.

He came up to me and hugged me again.

"I want to make love to you," he said.

"Um, thanks, but..."

I disentangled again and moved back over to talk to Brick and MMJr. MMJr and his friend were telling Brick that their other friend was in need of Brick's services as a stylist. MMJr was definitely flirting with Brick. At some point during that conversation, it also came up that Brick and I don't drink because we are alcoholics and MMJr was absolutely fascinated by that. It was weird. It was like we were the stars. It was kind of nice to command that kind of attention sober.

The night wore on like that for a while, but at nearly 2:00 am, Brick and I headed out. We walked back to my place, still hyped up from the Red Line, planning to stay up for a while and talk. Brick said that he like MMJr, but I told him that he had a boyfriend.

"Really? He didn't mention a boyfriend to me!"

"Brick! His boyfriend was there! I met him!"

Brick called MMJr to clear it up. MMJr wanted to come over. Brick asked me if it were all right. I didn't really feel like hosting this strange guy, but I decided to say "okay" for Brick's sake.

"Yeah, it's fine," I said. "But there are two rules... First of all, he has to be out by 3:15. Second of all, no making out at my house."

Brick agreed.

"But what if I want to go home with him, Hyde? Would you be mad?"

"Um..."

I didn't want to answer that. I didn't want Brick to leave. I have trouble sleeping alone and at that point, I had no time to mentally prepare or to carry out a night time routine. I was shaken up by having had the sip of whiskey; I was feeling rejected by Narc; I was wanting to drink; I didn't want to be alone without preparation. But on the other hand, I didn't want to tell Brick what he could and couldn't do. He's an adult. He could weigh the situation and make his own choice about his priorities.

"I wouldn't be mad, per say," I said. "But I would feel weird..."

I was about to go on and explain when the buzzer rang. MMJr had arrived. And soon enough, he had come up from the lobby and was at my door.

I invited him in and offered him a soda. He and Brick and I sat up talking for a while. Brick showed him some pictures from our trip. MMJr told us about pilot school and about his conservative Christian upbringing. He said that he wants to audition for American Idol in August and he wanted me to come with him. At around 3:15, I started to watch the clock. At 3:30, MMJr yawned.

"I'm kind of tired too," I said. "I think I need to turn in."

"Okay, let me just run to the bathroom before leaving," he said.

While he was in there, Brick stood up.

"What do you think, Hyde? Should I walk him down to get a cab?"

"That would be the polite thing to do..."

"Want anything from the deli while I'm out?"

"Yeah. Can you get me a Red Bull for the morning?"

"Sure."

I hugged MMJr good night and they were off. The next thing I knew, my cell phone was ringing. It was Brick.

"Hey, Hyde. I'm gonna go home with MMJr after all. So... I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

What?!?!? I felt like I was free-falling. I was suddenly extremely anxious. I felt rejected and angry.

"Fine," I said, tightly, hanging up the phone.

It wasn't fine though. I couldn't sleep at all that night. And the longer I laid there, the more the toxic anger built up in my brain. I sent Brick a text. It was nearly 4:00 am.

I have to be honest. I'm pretty upset. But I guess I'll talk to you about it tomorrow.

I fell asleep after 5:00 am.

The next morning, I had to wake up at 9:00 am, but I overslept. My mom called me just before 10:00.

"I'm almost here, sweetie!" she called out.

I jumped up out of bed and threw on the previous night's clothes. My mom was driving into the city to pick me up along with the boxes of books I packed up to keep in storage at her house. We had plans to go to a museum on Long Island with BigSis.

I was incredibly cranky in the car, not helped by the fact that it was raining, nor the fact that I had to single-handedly load and unload six tremendously heavy boxes of books.

From there, we drove to my sister's apartment in Forest Hills. We went up to see the new paint job in her kitchen and she fed us cake and coffee. Then it was off to the museum. While in the car, Brick texted me and called me a few times. We argued for a little while, but ultimately he apologized.

"I knew you were upset at me leaving," he said. "But I did it anyway. I've been sitting here thinking about it and I'm really sorry. I love you, Hyde!"

It was a felt apology and so I honestly tried to let it go. I think it was only partially Brick's behavior that had me so upset. It was made worse by the massive feelings of rejection floating around in me at all times. Something got triggered when he left. I felt like he ditched me as soon as a better activity/ person came along and I feel similary rejected by Narc. Whether or not it's rational or fair to lump the two together, they got lumped in my heart. And of course, underlying it all, I feel the very same rejection from B, who loves me but rejected me and is now with Drippy. And B is gone now... off in the Philippines, so that makes it even worse.

Anyway, back to my mom and sister...

We ate lunch at the kabob place in Port Washington and then saw an exhibit on "Fashion and Painting: From Marie Antoinette to Jacqueline Kennedy." Afterwards we went back to my mom's place where my sister and I consulted with her on which tablecloth she should put out in her dining room (a very important matter)!

At around 6:00, Bro-in-Law came to pick up BigSis and my mom and I went to go look at furniture. She has volunteered to get me a new dining table and chairs for my 90 days, and I think I found a set that fits my apartment perfectly! (I really shouldn't get ahead of myself, though. I only have 77 days as of today).

When we got home, my mom ordered in Italian food, and I ate dinner with her, my stepfather, LilSis and JBC (who had to leave shortly for work). While I was eating, Brick called me and said that he was on a date with MMJr and that they were going to spend the night together again.

I was feeling depressed. I didn't want to stay at my parents place, but I didn't want to go home and be alone either. I ended up staying out on Long Island.

In the morning, I was glad for my decision. I had gotten a good night's sleep, and my mom had hot bagels waiting. LilSis and I hung out, laughing over some photos and a clothing catalogue. After that, my mom dropped me off at the train at around noon. Even though I was feeling stabilized when I waved goodbye, the depression got worse and worse as we chugged towards the city.

Once back at my apartment, I was oppressed by it. I crawled into bed and didn't want to get up. I felt angry at my cat when he cuddled up next to me, twisting his head into my hand, hoping for a stroke or a scratch. I didn't want to pet my cat. I could do nothing but lay there. At the same time, all I wanted to do was to get up and out! UP and OUT! I wanted to do something wild. I wanted to fuck a stranger. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to drink more than anything. More than ever before!

Cheers isn't open, I thought. But Manchester is...

Stop it, Hyde! What are you thinking??? You CAN'T! You CAN'T! You CAN'T!!!

I wanted to, though.

Brick had left a can of Red Line in my refrigerator. I thought about cutting on my arm. I didn't. I went into the kitchen and downed the whole thing of Red Line. It made me feel strange, but didn't help with the depression. I felt guilty. Guilty and scared. What the fuck was I doing???

I took a shower. Then I crawled back into bed, my skin raised with chills, my forehead soaked with sweat. I ran my thumb over the phone clutched in my hand. I opened the phone. I thought about Narc. I closed the phone. I opened the phone. My stomach hurt. It was cramping with nausea. Narc. I wanted Narc. I wanted things back the way they WERE. What the fuck happened to my life? Where was I? Where was HYDE?????

("You were meant for me, even though it's plain you don't agree. I will be here for you. Yes, I will wait here for you. Til these dark days are through. Til my dreams all come true. My darling, you were meant for me. And I'm sure that someday soon, you'll see. We can not be apart. No. We must not be apart. Or the nightmares will start! And you might break my heart! Don't break my heart.")

Fuck these feelings, I thought. I want back what I had... what I know. I want things to not be this way. Why did I do what I've done? Why can't I count on people? You are alone, alone, ALONE. Fuck those people. Fuck all of this.

I couldn't get rid of that sick feeling. It was 4:00 pm. I texted Narc.

So...? What did you think of the movie? I wrote.

(As you may recall, last Thursday Narc wrote me a text telling me that he was about to watch "Downfall" and that it better be good after all the hype).

He wrote back to me right away:

Movie was good, though needlessly long I thought, as really we're all just waiting for the inevitable, non? Still, was very impressed.

I didn't write back. Instead, I called Brick, who had also just written a text.

Love you... he said.

Brick invited me to come over to his place. I warned him that I was depressed. He said that he wanted to see me anyway. So I went.

Brick was up on the roof, sunbathing. I sat there with him, my head against the wall, unable to eat the sandwich in my hand. I was wearing fuschia lipstick.

"Pretty in pink!" Brick said.

He forgot that he had a date at 8:00 pm. I told him I would leave with him. In the meanwhile, we went down to his apartment. I sulked on the bed while he got dressed. I clutched my amethyst in my hand. I fought back the tears. I wrote back to Narc. It was 6:18 pm.

I knew you would like it! Next historical pic to wait for is Marie Antoinette...

He didn't answer right away. I walked Brick down to the street. I still wanted to do something crazy. I wanted to drink, but I couldn't. I wanted an adventure. I wanted to hurt myself. I went home.

("My darling, you were meant for me.")

Narc wrote to me again. It was 7:21.

"Marie" was horribly received at Cannes, but then, what can one expect from the French...

I answered quickly:

Oh no! A disappointing mermaid movie & now a disappointing Marie?!? You better hurry up and make your movie fast. I'm losing faith!

I got into bed and put on The Threepenny Opera. I sang "Mackie Messer" over and over in German, the lyrics in hand. I tried to inflect my voice to sound like Lotte Lenya. I tried to bark as if I were in a Weimar Cabaret. I tried to imagine the blood on the streets. There was a picture in the CD booklet of Nazi flags and Communist flags hanging side by side. I thought of George Grosz. I took out my sketch book and started to draw. I couldn't find a pencil sharpener, so I sharpened my pencil with a razor blade laying nearby. I drew a woman. She looked strong. Then I scarred her throat. I drew circles over her breasts and tears in her eyes. I was mad at my drawing. One eye was bigger than the other. It had character, but it wasn't good enough. In my mind, I tried to liken it to Picasso's portrait of Gertrude Stein. It didn't work. I was frustrated. I kicked my sketch book over and flipped onto my back. I grabbed onto the metal bars of my headboard. They were cold. I pretended that my hands were tied there. I stretched my arms until they hurt.

I should draw every day... keep a visual journal, I thought.

I miss drawing.

I crawled under the covers and listened to the The Threepenny Opera.

Love will not endure, I thought.

Stop it, Hyde!

That "love will not endure" goes against every Romantic sensibility that I have. I tried to imagine the moon and the sea. I tried to forget about the street. About politics. About history. About money. About masks.

It helped a little.

Narc wrote to me again. It was 9:24.

"Indeed, though my playing "Call of Duty II" around the clock certainly can't help the process!!

"Call of Duty II?" That's the WWII game he had me play over at his place. I had trouble with it. I'm not used to video games. I didn't answer the text. I talked to Hammer on the phone. I talked to B online. I started to feel better. I went to the deli to get a bite to eat. I went to NDN's new place to look at his furniture and to pick up the case of Red Bull he bought for me on his way back from Vermont.

Narc wrote to me again. It was 11:18.

Just got to the "Saving Private Ryan" part! Storming the beaches!

This time I answered:

Awesome. Although I still have to see that movie! One of the many on my film education list...

Narc likes to pick out movies for me to watch. He likes to control the television. I like when he can check them off his list. I like when I watch what he wants. (What are you TALKING about, Hyde?!?! It's OVER with you and Narc!) But I had another question. Should I risk it and send a second text? How should I play my hand?

Fuck it. I wrote again:

Forgot to ask you-- What do you know about the movie "Bent?"

He didn't answer.

Shit.

I listened to Ute Lemper singing "Little Water Song" and "Tango Ballad" over and over.

...That time's long past but what would I not give
To see that whore house where we used to live...

...That was the time now very far away
He was so sweet and bashed me where it hurt...

...That was a time now very far away
Not that the bloody times seem to have looked up...

...That time's long past but what would we not give
To see that whore house where we used to live

...That time's long past but what would we not give
To see that whore house where we used to live

Finally, I got into bed. I took three sleeping pills. (And tiny little fishes enter me).

The next morning, Monday morning, things felt a little better. I had something else to focus on-- meeting with my department chair, to discuss my incompletes, my status in the program and how to get back on track. But as this post is growing dreadfully long, I'll leave all that for next time.

It's after 2:00 am and I should try to get to bed.

love,
h

PS: B said something smart about Narc...

All I do is try to analyze him and ask "what does he want?"

"He doesn't know what he wants, Hyde," he said. "So stop trying to figure it out."

Yeah... right... That's what I should do...

**********************************************
"'We will be back in a minute or two'
And he will punish that girl
Oh forget the reason
Just look at me I'm lost in a social whirl"