A Quickie

So much, so much is going on! And here I am-- Hyde, the prolific blogger with no time or energy to tell you all!

I just got back from a mini-date with Double-T. (No making out. But some insinuation and hands on my thigh). Brick is crashed out in my bed. I sang "You're So Vain," tonight in his honor. (Not because he's vain, but because he loves that song).

I'm throwing a dinner party on Saturday night. My sisters are coming with their men, and B and NDN and Brick. (Hammer can't make it b/c she's in Portland, and I had to do it this weekend b/c B is leaving for the Philippines on the 19th). I'm working so hard in my recovery to start to integrate all of my worlds, and this dinner is really important to me. I'm nervous (although I don't know why), but I think that this is overall a really good thing in terms of my progress.

That said, I'm having Narc-withdrawal. BIG TIME. I could explain why and what's been going on, but as you all know, my Narc stories must be told in obsessive detail, so I won't try to say more than that now. You'll have to wait for that one. But TT's reemergence? Interesting... That guy is nothing if not persistant. And he's very kind. And very non-judgemental. He shaved his head and grew a goatee. He still looks like a softee in his glasses, but when he takes them off, he looks very menacing. Of course, I like that. (He's super tall and a big guy. Maybe 6'5"?)

Hmm... What else? Religrope won me a stuffed SpiderMan and a lizard at Coney Island and gave them to me and made me feel very awkward. He has a weird obsession with me and Brick and talks all the time about how he wants to hang out with us. What else about group? I now think I have a little crush on Senegal. Some other guy at the center--MI-- has been flirting with me. Today Senegal got protective/possessive and brought up that he saw that other guy talking to me. There's no better combination than "protective/possessive" in my book. (Perhaps that will change as I get better). Oh-- and speaking of getting better, I may have a new therapist. And my mom came with me for counseling with my regular group counselor a few times, and I feel like things are improving in terms of how open I can be with my family. My mom and I actually talked about my dad a little over dinner--walls are crumbling. It's the stuff that never gets mentioned. And it all felt okay.

That said, I'm not really feeling better. At least not consistently. Not yet. My moods are more up and down. And I feel incredibly vulnerable. Oh yeah-- and anxious. But I am just starting to feel life again. And even "on life's terms," it's pretty amazing.

Today? 67 days.

love,
h

PS: Mr. Mystic-- don't know how often you're reading here, but I wanted to tell you this-- All of a sudden, all of your comments that I misunderstood are suddenly starting to make sense. :)