Trying to be Brave

I wanted to write a post about last Sunday's Lessons & Carols service, but I haven't had a chance to yet, and I suppose that it will have to wait until the New Year. I hope that I can hold it in my head until then. I learned something that evening about prayer. Maybe I'll write it out this week in my journal and then post it up when I get back.

I have very mixed feelings about continuing to blog, given the fact that Narc has found me out. I feel nauseated and violated-- as if I am dissolving at my borders. I feel as if I'm going to disappear if something very strong doesn't materialize to bind me back together. I used to feel safe here, but I don't anymore. And my normal response would be to withdraw from all of this--withdraw into myself. But I don't want to let anything take my blogging away from me, so I'm going to try to be strong. I'm going to try to be brave and proceed as if things were normal.

I went out drinking on Tuesday night and saw KHill & co. at the bar again. He didn't remember the urination incident, but he did try to kiss me. My left eye was swollen (I think from conjunctivitis), but FightingMensch thought I had been hit.

"Hyde, STOP FUCKING THAT GUY!" he said.

I didn't want to start in with them.

"It's just pink eye, whatever... Besides, FightingMensch, what do you care?"

"You think I don't care, Hyde? You think I don't care!"

He was drunk. Then he, KHill and their friend took off for Scores. A lovely bunch, they are.

I wanted to see Narc, so I texted him a few times and called him a few more times. I met a couple who were out drinking the night away because they were in the middle of "breaking up." I befriended the pair by sharing my cigarettes and ended up downing shots with them for quite some time. I don't remember the end of the night. I suppose I went home and passed out. When I woke up I had a few contacts from Narc--one a text message left at 2:19 am and then two voice mails left at around 5:30 am.

Out with CouchSleeper. Will call soon, read the text.

I have to say, I was surprised he updated me as to his whereabouts and I was also surprised that he followed it up with a phonecall. In retrospect, I view this as a direct response to what he read in my blog. (If you recall, my post Aching and Mistaking made a point of the fact that he never gets back to me. At least, if he had to read that, he turned out a positive behavioral response).

So, the next day, Wednesday, I rolled out of bed hungover and feeling like shit, but happy to be meeting B for our annual "Pre-Christmas" celebration. This was our seventh year doing it, although we had to modify the afternoon's plans due to the transit strike.

B came over at around 11:00 and we went out for Brunch. After that, we came back to my place and sang Christmas carols at the piano. He even did me the supreme favor of singing through the entire "If I Loved You" scene from Carousel. It's one of my favorite things in the whole wide world, and I'm so grateful that he sang it with me. At around 2:30 we set off on foot for the movies. We were going to see King Kong. I have to say, I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I cried twice. After the movie we headed to a Chinese place for dinner (the same place where I ate with B and his girlfriend a month or so ago). While B was texting his girlfriend, I sent Narc a quick text:

Just saw Kong. Would you believe it? I cried!

To my delight, he answered me shortly thereafter:

Aww! Call you soon.

(So the improved contact continued...)

B and I finished up with dinner and he graciously walked me home. Back at my place, we watched an episode of the Simpsons, sat around and talked for a bit and then he took off at around 8:30.

Narc called me at around 9:30 and we stayed on the phone for about half an hour. Then he invited me down to his place. I told him I had to take care of a few things, but that I would be there soon.

I didn't end up getting there until around 11:00. Narc had been holed up in the house all day and wanted to get out.

"I don't want to end up drinking all night, though," I said.

"It's okay," he replied. "We don't have to stay for more than an hour or so..."

We set off for the Patriot, which seems to have become our new stomping grounds. Well, I don't have to tell you that a drink or two for an hour or so with me and Narc quickly turned into a drink or twelve for an hour or four. Everything was going on well enough until Narc started detailing his "dating life" over the past year. (We had been talking about what a year it's been, etc.)

"It started off with UNChick," he said. "Then I dumped her in January for PopStarChick. Then in March, I met the Exhibitionist on Nerve.com. Oh, and then there was Elizabeth, that NovelChick. I don't know how I always end up with these shallow self-absorbed girls," he said. "They all treat me like shit."

I felt my heart getting tight.

"Well, maybe it has something to do with you," I said.

"'Cause I'm a masochist?"

"What?" I tried not to laugh. "You're no masochist, Narc."

"Then what? I know what you're thinking, Hyde. That I'm shallow?"

"Maybe you are."

"I'm not."

"Okay, whatever."

I just wanted to end the conversation. You guys can imagine how I felt. I bit my lip as hard as I could and tried to swallow down over the choking feeling in my throat. I think that Narc knew he was hurting my feelings because there was a look on his face like he felt bad about what he was doing.

"C'mon, Hyde. Don't get all weepy on me now."

"I'm not getting weepy."

"Yes you are! I hate when you get like this--every time we go out drinking."

"That's not true," I protested. "Besides, what do you want from me, Narc?"

I got up and ran into the bathroom, the tears streaming down my cheeks. I stayed there for a few minutes, until I could get it to subside, flushing my cheeks with some water and taking deep breaths. Finally, I recomposed myself and went back out to the bar.

"Look, Hyde," he began, "This is why you can't be my girlfriend. You're just too emotional."

"What do you mean?"

"You are! You know you are. You can't change it. I wouldn't want to change that about you, but I can't be with you. That's why we're not together. It's not that I'm shallow."

My eyes were welling up again. I could see that he felt bad.

"Hyde..." He was softer now. "Come on... It's not like you don't have your guys! It's not like you can't get other guys. You have so many guys all the time."

"First of all, that's not true," I said. "But that's not the point."

"It is the point. You're fine! I know you're out there with other people--flirting with other people, sex, etc."

"That's not true! I'm not having sex with anyone. And I don't flirt. You know how I feel about you."

That's when he got upset.

"LIAR!" he yelled, accusingly. "You're a LIAR, Hyde! Just phone sex this week with someone called 'the Stallion!' And some guy urinating on your hand?"

My stomach dropped down to my ankles. My heart froze. My ears started to pound with a painful sort of pulsation.

"What?"

"Sex 13, 14 times in a row? I found your blog, Hyde."

I swear, I thought I was going to die. I blinked my eyes and it was hard to see--as if someone had just taken a picture of me with an extremely strong flash. I don't remember exactly what I said or in what order. But I felt like I had to die.

"That sex was in 2004," I said. "Before I met you." I started to feel my throat constricting. "I-- I can't. I can't. I'm never going to see you again, Narc! I can't be here anymore."

I felt myself going numb. Everything grew almost quiet around me with each breath and my face began to tingle. He tried to calm me down, telling me it wasn't that big of a deal, that he had hardly read any of it, that he still loved me. I cried harder and kept saying that I had to die. He grabbed me and put his hands around my head and pulled me into him and kissed me. I was seized and kissed, but still I couldn't feel it. I got up and ran out of the bar. I called Hammer.

I don't remember everything that happened next or what I said, but I told her that I was going to kill myself. This was around 2:00 am. I don't think that I meant it, but I just couldn't imagine what I was going to do next--I couldn't imagine existing-- living another minute. Hammer told me to stop drinking. She kept sending me texts telling me that I'm loved, trying to help me put it all in perspective. I went to an ATM and then just sat outside on the curb, on the street corner, drunk, crying and in the cold. Narc called me.

"Hyde, come back." he said.

I can't."

"Hyde, don't be silly. It's not a big deal," he said. "I love you. So, come back."

I don't remember when or why, but I did go back to the bar. We were at the bar until at least 4:00 or 4:30 am. I don't remember getting home.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt sick to my stomach the minute I opened my eyes. I was laying in bed next to him, naked, our clothes in the living room. I didn't know all of what happened. I only knew that I had to run away.

I had bought Narc a Christmas present and wrapped it with a card. He hadn't opened it yet, but it was sitting on his living room table and I saw it there as I gathered my things to leave. The card read:

Dear Narc,

I'm not quite sure how to say what I want to say in this card. I guess I just wanted to tell you how deeply you've impacted my life since I met you and that I care about you very much. You are an incredible person and you continue to impress me with your sensitivity and intelligence. Yet, somehow I can't help but feel that I don't know the half of it. Despite the fact that in many ways you are still a "mystery" to me, there are moments in which I'm certain that I "see you." (Sometimes I even see myself in you, as different as we are). I don't know... I just love learning you.

As for the New Year, I have absolute faith that this year can be what you want it to be. Things may not always go according to "plan," or according to our timetables, but that doesn't mean that your happiness won't surprise you around the corner. I see a life in you-- that energy waiting to be tapped. This depression will NOT last forever; I promise you that. Things are going to "click" for you, and I hope to see the magic that happens when they do.

Anyway, I know that our relationship is a little strange and undefined, but that doesn't change how you are in my heart. And I want you to know that if you ever need me, I will be there for you. I promise you that.

I value your friendship more than you know.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

All my love,
Hyde

Now, leaving his apartment, I felt as if things had changed. I left him another note:

Obviously, I wrote this card before last night. I feel a little foolish now, but I'm leaving it anyway. I'm sorry and I will miss you.

Merry Christmas.

Love you Always,

Hyde

I came home, moved my blog to a new address and crawled into bed. I reemerged at around 3:30 and went to the diner to eat banana pancakes (strangely, the only food I ever wanted when I was pregnant). Narc called me just before I left the house.

"Where'd you go?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I just got up and I rolled over and I wanted to fuck you, but you were gone."

"I had to leave," I said. "What are you up to?"

(This conversation felt surreal).

"I thought I was going to be hanging out here, ordering in food, watching TV and being with you," he answered. "But I guess I'm just here marinating."

"You're what?"

"Marinating."

"Marinating in what?"

"Marinating in my own juices, I guess."

"Okay... Well, I have to go to class."

"What are you doing after class?" he asked.

"I don't know."

"Wanna come down then?"

"Um, I guess."

"Okay, so give me a call when you get out of class."

I never went to class. I couldn't. But I wrote to Narc:

Life is absurd, no? I'm eating banana pancakes & drinking tea. I have to pack and do laundry tonight. If you want to see me, you may have to come to me...

A few minutes later, he opened his gift.

Aww, it's a penguin! I love him, he wrote.

Hyde: Yay! I thought he was beautiful & that you should have him. :) I'm skipping class today. Need the downtime.

Narc: Shall we get together then?

Hyde: Here? You could come up but I have to do laundry & pack. If I get it all done we could relocate to you...

Narc: Pack etc first, then call.

Back at my place, I was too exhausted for words--simply physically and emotionally drained. I decided to call back Liu. My phone was almost out of battery so I plugged it into the wall and lay down on the living room floor, next to my cat, amongst the pine needles in the shade of my Christmas tree. Liu and I talked for quite some time. When we hung up, I stayed motionless on the floor. I sent Narc a text:

So tired. No more boozing! Was on the phone w/my friend in TX. No energy to do what I have to do!

Then I called him.

"Narc, I'm having scheduling issues," I said.

"What's the problem?"

"I'm too tired to pack and do laundry. But I can't come see you until they're done."

"So get a move on!" he exclaimed.

"I can't..."

Finally, I decided that I would just squish all my errands into Friday.

"Okay, okay. I'll come down and see you now, I said."

I felt like shit, so I threw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I wasn't wearing a bra and my hair was still unbrushed from when I had rolled out of his bed and run from his house that morning.

I should have known better than to try to catch a cab in rush hour. The transit strike had just ended, but service had not returned to normal, and the streets were clogged. While I was waiting on the corner, coat clutched in my hands, a man walked up beside me and brushed against my shoulder.

"Hey, Hyde!"

I looked up. It was KHill. He was all dressed up in work clothes and a beautiful long coat. I was embarrassed.

"What are you up to?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. Still recovering from last night," I said. "And going to meet a friend."

KHill said he had left his phone at home but was trying to get in touch with FightingMensch.

"You don't have his number, by any chance?" he asked.

"Actually, I do. I have it saved in my phone."

"Can I borrow your phone to call him?"

"Yeah, sure."

I felt really uncomfortable. It was strange for me to see him not drunk. His eyes looked different, but nice. I'm definitely crushing on him, though. But he's a cad...no good for me, so I'll leave it at that.

KHill asked if he would see me around later.

"Maybe, but probably not tonight," I said.

Finally a cab came around. Because of the transit strike, cabs were allowed to pick up multiple passengers. I squeezed in next to two other women. There was another in the front seat.

The trip that ensued was really fucking insane. Normally it takes about half an hour via cab to get from my place to Narc's. This time it took an hour and twenty minutes! Another of the women was heading to Tribeca, and we ended up bonding. She is Israeli and just had her first novel published in the spring. She's here in NY trying to get it published in translation. It was very interesting to talk to her. And she was fascinated by my family connections to Jerusalem, my ethnic background, etc.

When I got to Narc's, he was lounging on the couch. (Just sitting there 'marinating,' I suppose). I sat down next to him. Neither one of us mentioned the whole blog fiasco. I saw that he had put my card to him up next to a Thanksgiving card he had received from his mother. Narc flipped through the channels. Star Trek VI was on and he wanted to watch it. I've never seen anything "star trek" at all, so he explained the characters to me. He lay down and I lay in his lap. Before long, we were having sex. Afterwards he fell asleep, and I lay on top of him with my head on his stomach. It was my favorite moment in quite some time. While he slept, I flipped through the channels and found that the second half of my soap (One Life to Live) was on SoapNet. I couldn't have been happier. (Well, I could have, had this whole blog thing not happened, but you know what I mean...)

When he woke up, he suggested that we do something to get out of the house.

"Yeah, but what?" I asked. "I don't want to go drinking again. I feel like shit."

"I don't know... What else is there to do? I'm craving a jack and coke."

"You're craving? That can't be good Narc."

"Yeah, I know. I always say I'm not an alcoholic because I don't wake up craving it, but today I kind of did."

"Well, by your definition, I'm not an alcoholic either, but isn't there some huge kind of checklist of symptoms? I know that they say blacking out is bad and I black out a lot."

"Oh, whatever," he said. "Americans are such Puritans. Blacking out doesn't mean you're an alcoholic. It means you drank too much one time."

"So I guess we have nothing to worry about?"

We both laughed, but I, of course, don't believe that I have nothing to worry about. I wonder if he's worried about himself in that regard as well.

Since neither of us could think of anything else to do in our weary disheveled condition, we set off, once again, for the Patriot. I vowed not to drink, and I didn't. I spent the evening sipping diet cokes watching Narc get tipsy.

Once he had a few drinks, he woke up the elephant in the room.

"You really don't have to take down your blog, you know," he said.

My heart tensed.

"Let's just leave it alone," I said softly. "I don't feel comfortable leaving it where it was."

"It's not like I'm going to read it!" he insisted. "I can't lie. I never lie. I'm incapable of it. And I'm telling you, I have no interest in reading your blog! I don't read personal blogs."

(I thought of a few lies he had told me... quite a few on that list!)

"It doesn't matter," I said. "I don't feel safe there. Besides, if you didn't want to read it, you wouldn't have read it."

"I just stumbled on it, Hyde."

"How? I cleared my history."

"You didn't clear your cache. It just popped up when I was typing in an address. I told you, I only read two paragraphs or something."

"Not, so, Narc. You knew information from the past three posts."

"I did?"

"You did."

"Well, I'm never going to go to that page again."

"I would know if you did, anyway," I said. "I found your IP address. I saw that you went there three times just yesterday. You didn't just stumble on it once at my house."

He didn't really say anything for a few minutes. He looked sad.

"Yeah, but you said you post every day. It's important to you. It's silly for you to take it down."

(So, now he felt bad?)

"It's your outlet, Hyde."

"It's over, Narc. Whatever."

"What does the name 'Narc' mean anyway?" he asked. "How'd I get that name? It's such a bad name."

"I really don't want to talk about this," I said. "I made the name up so long ago. Right when I met you. Before I even knew you."

"I should change your name and give you a bad name," he muttered.

("Like you've even ever posted a word about me!" I wanted to say)

"So you're mad at me, then?" I asked.

"No, I'm not mad, Hyde. I'm not mad at you. Why would I be mad?"

I wanted to cry. I didn't say a word.

"It's just, I'm sure that I don't come across very well on that thing, that's all," he said.

"Really? Why would you say that?"

It was a strange moment--Narc half acknowledging that this relationship/non-relationship might not reflect so well on him.

"I don't know," he said. "Just a feeling, I guess."

"Look, let's change the subject," I said. "I'm not mad at you; you're not mad at me. I'm just really hurt right now."

"But, I don't get it!" he protested. "Why do you have so many secrets anyway?"

"I don't have secrets, Narc! What do I do with my life? Get up, go teach, go to class, go to Cheers, go see you... that's it. You know my whole life."

"That's more than I do," he laughed. "But then why the secrecy?"

"It's just that I'm a very private person. There are pieces of me that it's incredibly difficult for me to share...with anyone! The blog allows me to share them with the security of anonymity. I mean, it's not that I don't trust you. It's just that... Well, you said it yourself--I'm emotional, right? If I exposed every last part of myself, I'd be so vulnerable. The hurt that others could inflict on me could literally destroy me. I have to protect myself by keeping some pieces for myself. That's what goes up on the blog. The pieces that I need an outlet for. It's not all of me! Just the parts that need some sorting through. And that's all."

"So then why do your friends know about it?"

"They don't."

"Hammer does."

"Hammer was there when I started it. But even with Hammer, we had a miscommunication this summer due to the blog giving a skewed perspective of things. She was in DC and the blog was her main source of info for me and it fucked things up. Don't you remember that?"

I felt queasy and tense.

"Narc, let's just drop it. The END, okay?"

"Okay. But I'm just saying-- If you don't want to, you don't have to take it down."

I didn't answer. I just stared straight ahead at the lights reflecting off of a row of whiskey bottles.

The rest of the night was sweet, but I couldn't get over the feeling of unease. Everything, for me, was underscored with pain and mistrust. We were up late--until around 3:00 am or so, and we got hungry again. We shared Narc's leftover sesame chicken and watched Conan O'Brien.

When it was time to get into bed, Narc asked me if I had noticed any water in the bed the night before.

"Water?"

"Yeah-- the bed is mysteriously soaked. It's not drying, and I can't figure out what it's from."

I went to investigate. It was, indeed really strange. The bed was pretty soaked, but it wasn't in the area of the bed you would expect it to be if it were from bodily fluids. It extended up to the pillows, and it was definitely clear and water. But neither of us had even had any water in the bedroom! I had no idea, as I had blacked out the end of the night, but Narc said he was sure there was no water brought into the room. He told me that a few days before he had also had a strange incident with water in the bedroom. There was a pool of water under the bed, but again, no sign of how it got there. The whole thing freaked me out. I felt like it was some weird spiritual thing. I felt strange getting into bed that night. He assured me it would be okay, though, and pulled me close.

I woke up in the middle of the night, being "poked." It was nice, though, because I didn't have all of the tension on my mind and could have sex more freely. We fell asleep again together and woke up and had more sex in the morning.

I didn't stick around all that long, though, because I had a lot to do today.

Now I'm getting ready to take of for Long Island for Christmas. If I don't get to post again until Argentina, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

I feel like I wrote this whole long post but that it was all fact and no analysis. In truth, I don't know how to feel about all of this. I just need to clear my head. I just need the time and space to process... So, that's it for now. I hope he doesn't find this and read it.

lots of love,
h