Thursday Night: First KHill & Then Narc

This weekend has been strange. Strange-good, strange-bad and strange-strange.

As you know, on Thursday morning I woke up at 4:00 am to do work. Work, work work. I went straight through 6:00 pm without a break or a meal. Finally, I met Hammer at Subway and grabbed a bite to eat. It left me with little time to make it back across town in the midst of sleet and holiday rush-hour traffic. I just couldn't seem to get a cab and ended up having to catch a "pedicab."

(Anyway--here's a picture of one, just so you know what I mean. Now imagine this in the slush and the snow, chugging through midtown rush-hour!)

The bicyclist kept trying to make small talk with me, turning around to ask where I was from, etc. I was in no mood. I had tons of books and papers with me and the thin plastic flaps were doing little to shield me from the wet and the cold. Periodically, my heart leapt into my throat as we wove between cars, making narrow turns and speeding through traffic lights. That said, the guy did manage to get me all the way across town and 20 blocks north in just under 20 minutes! I was impressed...

Any normal human being would have arrived home after a 19 hour work day and gone to bed. I tried to wind down--honestly, I did. But I really wanted to go to Cheers. After all, I hadn't been there the weekend before, and as it was my birthday weekend, I wanted to go get some special treatment during Karaoke!

When I got to Cheers, KHill was there, who you all know I have a crush on. He wished me a "Happy Birthday" and offered to buy me a drink.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"A Jack, I guess," I said.

"A Jack how?"

"How else? On the rocks!"

"Damn, that's hot!" he said. "I'm getting a little 'blood flow' now, if you know what I mean."

He tried to draw my attention to his crotch.

"Whatever..." I replied.

I thanked him for the drink and relocated to the other end of the bar. IrishBird, BarMan and ThursdayGirl presented me with a joint birthday present. It was so cute! They got me a big bottle of diet coke, a bottle of Jack, and a bottle of "cheers-brand" Cabernet.

"So you can bring 'Cheers' to you," they said.

"Does that mean I don't have to come back here anymore?" I laughed and kissed them all.

Later, I moved back to the front of the bar, closer to KHill and FightingMensch. FightingMensch kissed me goodbye and said he would be at my party the next night. (He didn't end up coming, but it was for the best. BigSis and Bro-in-Law won't tolerate him, ever since he threatened to beat up AGrub last New Year's Eve). KHill stayed behind. Before long, I pulled up a bar-stool next to him.

He started telling me how his friend Dave is "into me," and that he would be too, if he didn't have a girlfriend. I told him that I didn't believe him.

"Dave was just drunk when I saw you guys here on Monday," I said. "He's obviously just a flirt!"

"No! No, he wasn't," he promised. "He wants you..."

I wasn't sure whether or not to take him seriously.

"Whatever... I'm sort of seeing someone either way."

After that, we somehow we got into the subject of sexual preferences. This is where my Thursday night/Friday morning post turned x-rated, and I best not detail our conversation here either. The point is, that KHill and I discovered that we are perfectly aligned when it comes to bedroom fantasies--even where the Narc and I are amiss and where KHill and his girlfriend have nothing in common. The discussion obviously turned him on. He asked me to feel his erection, and in my drunkenness, I happily obliged. He asked me how his size "felt," how "deep" I could take it and what was the biggest I've ever had. Again, I won't detail the conversation for you, but I did tell him about a certain incident I had with the Stallion back in March. Now I kind of regret having done so, because I'm only fueling bar-room gossip. On top of that, I think the story intimidated him, but I don't care. That was that.

Later on, he asked me to come outside and smoke with him. He kept wanting me to feel him up. Finally he whipped it out. Yes! Right there in public on the street corner!

"Do you want to suck it?" he asked, "Or do you want to let me pee?"

"What?!?" I was drunk, but not THAT drunk!

"If you have to pee, then pee," I said. "I'm not stopping you."

He let go a stream of it.

"Are you scared of that?" he asked.

"No."

"Well, then prove it."

I let it run across my fingers. Don't get me wrong-- I'm not into that stuff, and I thought it was kind of gross. But I was in Hyde-mode, and I'm damned if I'll let some dumb boy challenge me to something as harmless as that!

After that, he must have thought I was really "wild" because he started to beg me to let him come home with me. While it would have been fun, I know he has a girlfriend and I have the Narc. On top of that, I knew that I'd be seeing him at Cheers again. So, I held my ground. It was pretty clear that the night could only deteriorate from there; I knew it was time for me to go home.

Back at my place, I was dying, though. I really wanted to fuck someone, so I sent Narc a text. It was 3:19 am.

What's up? I wrote.

He called me back about 10 minutes later. He was leaving Bar & Books where he had been drinking all night with CouchSleeper. He was clearly wasted.

"I want to come see you," he said.

"You want to come here?"

"Yes. I want to fuck you."

"Perfect! Come right away."

I couldn't believe my good fortune!

When Narc arrived, we popped open the bottle of Jack that I had gotten as a gift and we started to drink some more. I scrounged together whatever coke I had remaining (which was only enough for about two fat lines each) and we hung out at my kitchen counter. The conversation that followed was very intimate... very personal. I don't want to disclose everything here for personal reasons, but I'll give you the portion of the conversation that has left me thrown a little bit off balance.

Narc told me that last January he had dated someone else for two weeks-- PopStarChick. He was set up with her by his friends M&M, but it didn't work out from the start. That's fine, and I don't care about that. The strange part is that Narc still hangs out with this girl every now and then, only she's mean to him. She blows him off a lot, she flakes out on plans, and makes him feel bad about himself...unimportant. I can't fathom why he cares so much! It was the same way with the Exhibitionist. Both PopStar and the Exhibitionist talk to him about their exploits with other men, have him pay for their meals and generally treat him like crap. He hasn't so much as made out with either one of them. Narc as "victim." Interesting concept, right?

Anyway, despite the fact that neither of them gives a shit about him, he emailed them from Europe, brought them back souvenirs and pursues friendship with them as if it reflects something about how important he is as a human being. Granted, he's not talking to the Exhibitionist anymore (and hasn't been for a few months), but that's only because she hurt his feelings for a long enough time that he cut her off.

"That's why the only person I had to call that night, that suicidal night, was ModelChick," he explained.

(In case you don't remember--ModelChick was Narc's girlfriend for nearly a year from 2002-3. She cheated on him during a trip to Italy, and they broke up, but they stayed friends--just not very close friends.)

"That's not true that ModelChick is the only one you could have called!" I protested. "You could have called me! Why didn't you call me, Narc?"

"I don't know," he said. "I guess I didn't want to call you."

"Narc, I don't know what's here between us, and I can't pretend to know how you think. I'm only saying that I love you and you can call me when you need to."

He looked at me incredulously.

"Look... I'm not telling you what to do, or how to live your life, or who you have to be with. I'm just saying that I love you and I don't want you to die. I would miss you. I want you to live, even if you're not in my life. I mean, that's fairly basic. I'm not requiring anything of you when I offer support. It's not a trap."

He looked at me hard and then smiled. "That's the best thing you could have said. It's the best response I've had so far. When I tried to tell ModelChick that I was suicidal, she didn't have the time to hear it."

"I don't know what to say to that, except that I love you, Narc."

"Hyde! You know I love you too."

I looked at him for a moment. I looked him squarely in the eye.

"No, Narc, I said. "No you don't."

Well, THAT certainly caught him by surprise!

"What? Why do you say that?"

"You don't love me. Or if you think you do, you don't know what that means. You don't care what I'm feeling."

"Of course I do, Hyde."

"Narc, you're wrong."

I had a card sitting on the counter-- a birthday card from a friend. It was a beautiful supportive card that I appreciated very much. I picked it up and read it to him.

"What's your point, Hyde? That you have all these other boys in love with you? That they love you and I don't? You don't think I know that every single time we go out, you have boys hitting on you smack in front of me! You don't think I notice that or that it bothers me? You love it. So why don't you go be with one of them, if that's what you want? You totally flirt back with them!"

"No, Narc. That's not my point. My point is that my friend who wrote me this card has only seen a piece of what I've shown you. And even still, he cares about my feelings. He doesn't care about taking from me. And as for other guys, I only want you. I desperately want you. But I can't have you, can I?"

"What about the other night?" he asked. "Our bartender even told me you were flirting with those guys down at the end of the bar!"

"She did what?!?!"

"Yeah, she told me that."

"But, I wasn't! Damn it. I can't fucking believe that," I said. "How dare she? I'm going to go back there and kick her fucking ass." (I meant it at the time, and if I ever see her again, I'm at least going to tell her off. Stupid bitch.)

"I begged you to pay attention to me that night, Narc. YOU were ignoring ME!"

"Maybe I was," he said. "But you didn't have to make me pay for it for the rest of the night!"

"Hello!?! I tried to come back down and sit with you, but you kept ignoring me, even then!"

He rolled his eyes at me.

"You think I wanted those boys, Narc? Is that what you think I want?"

"I think they wanted you."

"Maybe. Maybe they wanted to fuck me," I said. "But, there's a big difference. "They don't want me, Hyde, the person. And honestly, I don't think you do either. It's easy to find a girl good enough to fuck, but not one good enough to commit to a relationship with, right?"

He didn't answer.

"You know what I told those boys?"

"What?"

"One of them took my phone and put his number in. He texted me on Tuesday. I was out with Hammer. Wanna see what I wrote back? Here! Look for yourself!"

I handed him my phone. The message read:

Hey-- I really shouldn't text you back-- I made up with that guy I was with. Didn't want to be rude to you though...

"Did I have to say that, Narc? Should I turn down other guys for you? Am I even with you? Or am I just supposed to be here for you, all for you, but not with you and not with anyone else either?"

"Just stop it, Hyde. Just stop."

I started to cry a little.

"Come here," he said. "I want you. Come here... I love you, Hyde. Just come over here. I love you."

The rest of the night is a blur, but I woke up the next morning feeling sore, so I know we had our fun, and all the Jack Daniels was gone. We had stayed up until around 6:00 am (which means I had been awake for 26 hours with no sleep). Now, it was about noon and I knew I that had to whip my house into shape for the party later that night. I left Narc sleeping in bed and set about my tasks.

But you'll have to wait for the rest. I'm exhausted just from recounting Thursday's events, so I wish you all a good night!

-h-

PS: One year ago today, Narc and I "broke up." He sent me a text that broke my heart and read: Nothing more for us, really. Guess he was wrong about that...