Well, I have a date...
A date with MuscleGuy.
I can't even begin to sort through the barrage of strange feelings I'm experiencing right now. (Guilt primary among them).
He wrote to me at around 2:00 this afternoon.
MG: What are you up to 2night?
I didn't know what to say. But I didn't want to be rude and not respond, especially after I had called him on Tuesday night so late. So I wrote back.
H (2:11): Not sure yet. You?
MG (2:14): Also not sure.
I guess he didn't want to come on too strong because I've kind of been blowing him off. I decided to text Narc. I didn't need this date. I love Narc. "Truly, madly, deeply," right? I love him; I love him; I LOVE HIM! All I needed was a little affirmation.
How was the gallery? I wrote. Did you go? That was four hours ago. Narc never wrote me back.
So, I tried to answer MuscleGuy with something innocuous.
H (2:28): May turn in early b/c a little run down & end of the semester work crunch, but send me a text if you're out and about.
MG (2:29): I'd be up for something mellow.
This time I didn't answer. I really didn't know what to do. I ignored the message, talked to B on the phone and mulled over it for a few hours. Finally, on a momentary impulse, I wrote him back.
H (4:46): Like what?
MG (5:04): Maybe a chill dinner and some wine. Something quiet like that. Any thoughts?
I didn't answer. He wrote again.
MG (5:12): Or there's always a sex crazed heroin binge. You know, relaxing...
I called B again. I texted Hammer. I gave it another 20 minutes of thought. Then I replied.
H (5:25): Hmm.. Think I've already had my share of that this week. Late dinner ok? I've still got my head in the books for another few hours...
MG (5:27): Perfect. I'll call you when I get home.
You guys, I don't know what I'm doing. Part of me wants to go on this date, but even more than that, I want to hear back from Narc. I want him to call me and say "Hyde, I'm with you." That's all he'd have to do. I wouldn't care if he ignored my texts or disappeared for days on end or only called me in the middle of the night, or insulted me, or whatever... If I could only know that we were together. Because I love him.
If, If, If...
It doesn't matter. I accepted the date, so I guess I'm going. I've got to go take a shower. And listen to a few more rounds of Tammy Wynette...
:(
h
10 comments:
Has it been days since you heard from Narc? I have trouble following the story sometimes. What is it you feel guilty about? Do you feel like going on a date with another guy is somehow betraying your feelings for Narc (or B)?
Go out for dinner. Have a nice time. Go home early. Get some sleep.
Of course, I'm offering this advice at about midnight your time...
I hope you enjoy the date. I hope you enjoy getting to know this guy and spending time with him. I hope he treats you well. I hope he doesn't insult you or ignore you, or get drunk and violent etc etc etc etc. I hope that it opens up new possibilities for you.
I had an amazing time. He treated me like a princess. We made out, but went no further than kissing. (I know... I'm not the slut you all think I am.)
He thinks I'm great. We're both musicians. He played guitar for me. He works at Goldman Sachs and makes lots of money. He was impressed that I don't care about money. He was impressed that I sing opera.
Fuck. I like him. But I love Narc. Now I have to go talk to NDN. This is way too complicated for a blog monologue.
Good night!
-h-
Sounds like you had a nice time Hyde..
I will give my reasons for my song choice later on my blog. here's the song I associate with you Hyde,
Never, Never, never.
sung by Shirley Bassey.
I'd like to run away from you, but if you never found me I would die
I'd like to break the chains you put around me, but I know I never will
You stay away and all I do is wonder why the hell I wait for you
But when did common sense prevail for lovers when we know it never will
Impossible to live with you, but I know, I could never live without you
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you
You never treat me like you should, so what's the good of loving as I do?
Although you always laugh at love, nothing else would be good enough for you
Impossible to live with you, but I know, I could never live without you
For whatever you do I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you
You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me live, you make me die, for you
You make me sing, you make me sad, you make me glad, you make me mad, for you
I love you, hate you, love you, hate you
But I'll want you till the world stops turning
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you
I love you, hate you, love you, hate you
But I'll want you till the world stops turning
For whatever you do
Mystic, I love it!
Hmmm, I've never been one to be accused of being overly tactful when it comes to sharing what I think....soooooo...I'm not saying anything unless I get the ok from you Hyde...and if you don't like what I have to say, I won't be offended if you delete my comment.
Your relationship with Narc totally smacks of my relationship with my first serious boyfriend. I gave up many an opportunity to spend time with decent men, to stand stood up for hours waiting for him in a subway station thinking that he might show the minute I leave.
Anyhow, that's ancient history...what I want to know is do you want to know what I think.
If you don't, that's all good too.
:)
Sure, Radmila. Tell me what you think. Although, your comment is revealing, so I can kind of take a guess...
-h
Ok...it may not be what you think it is.
I've read through some of your archives and your Narc sounds/reads like a typical self-serving guy who only "loves" you when he thinks he might be losing his power to pull you.
I think that you dislike yourself so much that you secretly think that Narc is worth more than you are, therefore any crumb of attention or seeming love is worth more than the sincere caring of someone who loves or really cares about you, because anyone who cares about you is not worth caring about.
That's what I read in your painful accounts of desperate wants for a man who doesn't even have the common courtesy to answer your messages for days on end, unless he's ready.
From my reading of him, he's got someone else either stringing along, or someone serious who is not unimportant enough to warrant answering your messages.
I would say the cliche you "deserve better", but I won't because you deserve what you ask for.
I should know, because you see the cycle you're in?
I was there for most of my twenties. Only guys who treated me like shit were desirable because I detested myself so much, and felt unlovable.
Your puppylike begging for Narc's attention is no doubt very good for his ego, but from his behaviour toward you, the hot/cold thing he does...he's certainly not sincere. Because I'll tell you what Hyde.... When guys love women, they behave just like women do when they love a man.
People don't treat the people they love like shit.
They don't.
I know that you thought I was just going to say "kick him to the curb" and "you deserve better", but you don't...and girl, you need to cut down on the booze, if for nothing else than to not end up a chain smoking leathery old broad.
I've seen many a youngish woman who looks rough by the time she's 35.
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