Grateful for a "Weekday" (Part I)

I'm going to do this post in parts, as I only have a few minutes here and there to write anything today. If I wait to have a big chunk of time, it won't get done for a day or two...

I'm so grateful the weekend is over this Tuesday. It was a rough one, as much as it was a good one. I drank much too much and was thrown into a bit of emotional turmoil. As hellish as my Tuesdays are, I welcome the work. I welcome the occupation of my brain by something other than my problems with Narc and my feelings of inadequacy as a human being.

Friday:

On Friday morning I met B at Tower Records. Given my emotional declaration of love before Thanksgiving and the buckets of tears shed, we've decided to stop having "sleep overs," so this was a lunch date. We ate Ethiopian food. B and I always seem to return to our old neighborhood to hang out. It's strange. I love spending time with him. I never laugh as much as when I'm with him. It feels good. Anyway, we parted ways at around 2:00 in the afternoon-- he on the subway heading to his Alexander Technique class, and I on the M104, heading home. While I was on the bus, I got a text from MGuy asking me out. (For the details, refer back a few days to this post.) I was hesitant to answer him, and sent Narc a text, to which (as you know) I got no reply. After a few hours of sitting with it, I decided to accept the date with MGuy.

I agreed to a late dinner and ended up meeting him just before 10:00 pm at a bar called Bailey's on the Upper East Side. I was anxious about the whole thing, and had stopped in at Cheers for one jack daniels (while saying hi to BarMan's roommate) before heading out. (Also, it was BarMan's birthday, and I wanted to deliver him his birthday present). Now, as I sat at the bar waiting for MGuy to arrive, I downed two more. MGuy arrived shortly, wearing a leather jacket. He moved in to kiss me hello. (I have to add, while he is certainly quite muscular, his muscles were not as cartoonishly huge as my first drunken impression implied. (If you recall, I met him about a month ago.) As such, I've taken to abbreviating his name.) He complimented my earrings and my perfume. Then, he ordered a whiskey himself, offering to pay for the drinks. I was embarrassed, because I didn't want him to know that I had already finished two whiskeys, rather than demurely sipping just the one in front of me. He didn't seem to notice though.

We headed out into the cold and around the corner to a cafe/wine bar called Sharz. (Hmm... I'm wishing I had blogged about this date earlier because it's a little difficult for me to remember the details.) In any case, he was definitely trying to impress me. He bought an expensive bottle of wine and made some suggestions from the menu. I have to say, I was a little confused, at first, about why this guy asked me out. Maybe I was being judgmental, but I just couldn't imagine that I'm his "type." He sells bonds at a huge NY firm, is a Republican, played football in high school and college and was a frat-boy. As we conversed, though, it turns out that he has a quirkier side as well. I learned that he was also a theater major and is an amazing guitarist. He was so into rock guitar that he got very excited talking about it, telling me about different artists (I think he mostly likes classic rock and metal stuff) and even getting into explaining the different amps and distortions. I love music, as you all know, but know very little about the artists he was talking about. I told him a lot about myself and my own interests, and he seemed to genuinely care. We had good conversation chemistry and I found myself having an excellent time. When I went to the restroom, I texted Hammer telling her so.

Before the food arrived, we both went outside for a smoke. He graciously lit my cigarette and offered to shield me from the cold. It was strange for me to be "courted" like that. I can't say that I was entirely comfortable. Maybe that's sad, but it's true.

When the check came, I offered him some money. He refused.

"Where do you want to go next?" he asked. "We could go to another bar around the corner, or we could go back to my place and I could play some guitar for you."

Here, I was faced with a dilemma. If I went to a bar with him, chances are that I would end up smashed and quite possibly back at his place anyway. If I went back to his place, I was sure he would put the moves on me, and I didn't want to do anything sexual, given my feelings for Narc and the fact that I didn't want to complicate things further. Knowing my penchant for alcohol, though, I decided that heading to his place was the wiser choice.

He opened another bottle of wine for us there and we sat on the couch and talked some more. He was very respectful and didn't come on too strong at all. I also have to say, I was very impressed by his musical skills. He showed me his favorite acoustic guitar, an electric bass, and an electric guitar that he had hooked up to a mini portable amp. He's also quite a good singer. He says he's a baritone, but that he had some classical training as a tenor. Either way, he's much better at singing "rock" music than I am. I didn't hear the classical training, but he sounded really good. (That's always a plus for me!) Later, we climbed out on his fire escape to smoke some more. I was absolutely freezing, which is when he decided to make his move. He put his arms around me to "warm me up" and ended up pulling me in for a kiss.

Kissing someone other than Narc flooded me with confusion, but even so, it felt good. It's strange how much you learn from your lovers though. Narc is an amazing kisser and kisses in a very specific way. It surprised me when I met him, but I've since adapted. I found myself kissing MGuy in the same way. He kept telling me that I was a "great kisser" because he never knew what to expect next.

"It's intriguing," he said.

Well, I don't think that I was a bad kisser before, but I definitely think I can thank Narc for that. (Thanks, Narc!)

MGuy is also the same age as Narc (29) and we got into a discussion of old movies. I asked him if he used to love Conan, Mad Max, etc. and he got all excited. We put on the soundtrack-- Conan on the "wheel of pain," and I laughed and knew all about it, also from Narc. It made me feel a little guilty to be sharing that with someone else.

Back inside we ended up kissing some more. We were standing really close together and he kept telling me to look up at him. He wanted to lock eyes, but I was feeling shy. When he started to move to go a little further, I pulled back. We had by now finished a second bottle of wine (on top of the three whiskeys with which I started the night), and I didn't want to lose control of the situation. Besides, it was just after 2:00 am. Time to make my exit.

He begged me to stay over and said that he could give me pajamas and just didn't want the evening to end, but I said no. He insisted on walking me down to get a cab. (So unlike Narc, who has let me wander the streets lost and drunk at 4:00 am, I could laugh.) Of course, back on my corner, I needed to blow off some steam, so I headed to Cheers. I called NDN, who for some strange reason, was up at nearly 3:00 am, and he came out to meet me. We only stayed out for half an hour or so. Even still, I can't say that I remember the end of night all too clearly. I just drank until I forgot everything else and wouldn't have to think about what it all means in terms of my love for Narc.

So it was a great date and a lovely evening. In any case, I haven't heard from MGuy again, yet, so we'll just have to see what happens.

As for Saturday, Sunday and Monday, I'll try to crank out another post or two later in the day or tomorrow. Here's what to expect:

Saturday: I went to the opera with NDN and had a smashing time. That night, we went to hear BarMan play at Cheers, and Hammer met us. We ended up down the street at a few other bars. I drank way too much, texted Narc way too much and don't remember getting home.

Sunday: I decided I hated Narc and wanted to be finished with him forever, frustrated that he had been ignoring me for the entire second half of the week. I headed to Long Island to celebrate my mom's birthday. (It was the first time I got to see my brother out of the hospital.) During the day, Narc reappeared, texting me several times. I ended up going to see him later that night, arriving at his place at around 11:00 pm. I was feeling blue. We went out drinking. I drank way too much, told him about my date, told him that I love him, and he responded by telling me that I'm "not girlfriend material."

Monday: I woke up, still drunk, at 11:00 am and went to my therapy session drunk. I left my bank card at Narc's by mistake, though, so I had to go back to get it. I got back there at 1:30 and he was just getting up. We ended up hanging out and fucking for a few more hours. Neither of us felt well. At 5:30, I had to take off for my choir rehearsal. It was a good thing. The music restored me mentally and spiritually. (Narc's apartment can sometimes suck you in and obliterate the demands, promises, responsibilities and beauty of the outside world.)

And so we've arrived at Tuesday. A long, long Tuesday! But work is good for the soul.

That's it for now.
More later...

-h-