Better at 27

Thank God, but my birthday turned out okay after all. A big thank you to all of my friends who called or wrote or wished me well!

On Sunday after my concert, as you know, I went back to see Narc. He answered the door in his bathrobe.

"What are you up to?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm just in the middle of something," he said, wandering into his bedroom.

I put my stuff down and then followed him into the bedroom. Well, you can all guess what I found him "in the middle of." I tried not to laugh.

"Maybe you can help me out?" he asked.

Um, sure, Narc...

Anyway, after that, we decided to go out to The Patriot. The night started off really well. We had had a great night there the night before. In fact, things had been so good on Saturday that I sent myself a text at 3:53 am.

Everything's good, I wrote.

Later, on Saturday night, I was falling asleep on the couch at around 5:00 am. He let me hold his hand, and I was happy. At around 7:00 he woke me up to move into the bedroom.

I left there Sunday morning for my concert, and returned that evening and thus we wound up back at the bar. This time, things started out great, but didn't stay that way. I really don't feel like going into all of the gory details, but Narc started ignoring me and talking to some guy named Josh on his other side. I kept asking for attention and finally gave up and went to talk to a group of boys at the end of the bar. I know Narc was jealous, which only made him ignore me even more. It was a mess. We were both drunk, drunk, drunk! And he wasn't treating me to drinks or anything, even though it was my birthday.

Well, we continued to fight until he exploded on me with all of that suicidal talk and yelled at me about it until I was reduced to tears, huddled on the floor. Sometimes I get the feeling from him that he really wants to destroy me... annihilate me. But you know all that part...

So on Monday, I was back at my place, feeling hungover and depressed on my birthday. B came over in the afternoon and did a lot to cheer me up, despite my splitting headache. We went out for lunch and then just hung out on my couch watching TiVo'd episodes of All in the Family. After that, B went to teach and I curled up under the covers watching Dr. Phil. We had plans to meet again at 8:45 at a German restaurant in Murray Hill-- Rolf's. That place is renowned for its holiday decorations. Narc took UNChick there on a date last December and showed me the picture (rather strange of him to do, no?) and it was so beautiful that I vowed then, that I would be there on my birthday the following year.

While I was waiting for it to be time to go, I texted Narc. I was worried about him, even though he spoiled my birthday.

Hyde (5:03 pm): You feeling okay?

Narc (5:06 pm): Eh. Been better. Just got up 30 minutes ago.

Hyde (5:08 pm): I'm really tired too. We overdid it last night. Just wanted to send you a hug though.

Narc (5:16 pm): And happy birthday!

Hyde (5:16 pm): Thank you! :)

Before getting to the restaurant to meet B, I stopped in at Cheers. BarMan bought me a glass of wine for my birthday. The whole crew of boys were there, and called out hello-- FightingMensch, PumpedUp, KHill, KHill's friend Dave (who I met back in November when he tried to kiss me at the bar. You can read about it here), and Duff.

"What's the story, Hyde?" FightingMensch laughed.

I told the boys that it was my birthday and Dave tried to kiss me again. I don't know what's with that guy! He's one of those ultra confident adorable boys who loves to flirt with anything in a skirt. I was still feeling depressed, though, and only had time to stay for one drink, so I told the boys I was off for dinner but would be back later.

I got to Rolf's before B and went inside to wait. The bar was so crowded that it was nearly impossible to move. I stood there, my new digital camera in hand, wondering if I should try to push my way to the bar or just wait close to the door for B. Just then, a German guy approached me.

"Do you want to take my picture?" he asked.

"Take your picture?"

"Yes, for a price, of course!"

"What???"

"Then again, I could take your picture," he said. "And I offer the service for free."

"Um, okay... Yeah, sure... Take my picture," I said, handing him the camera.

"Better yet, let's have my friend take our picture together," he said, wrapping his arm around my waist.

I felt overwhelmed and annoyed. I smiled for the picture anyway and hoped for B to arrive. I told the German guy that it was my birthday and that I was waiting to meet a friend. He leaned in close to me and softly sang the Happy Birthday Song about an inch from my ear. I strained my neck away from him.

"So, do you want to celebrate your birthday the German way or the American way?" he asked.

"Um, as I don' t know what the 'German way' is, I don't see how I can answer that," I said.

"Well, the German way is that you buy me a drink."

"Are you serious?" I stared at him incredulously. "Next time I'm in Germany on my birthday, we'll see. But I don't think it's going to happen tonight, okay?"

Just at that moment B arrived. We moved over to the reservation desk to tell them that we were ready to be seated.

"We need another 15 minutes," the host told us.

B was stressed about the crowds and wanted to go wait outside. I was annoyed because I picked that restaurant and didn't see why he couldn't tough it out for 15 minutes at the bar, even if it was a little crowded. We started to get into a fight. B was sulking.

"It's my birthday!" I said. "Put on a smile, please! I don't want to deal with your stress right now. Can't you just pretend to be happy?"

He snapped at me. "Don't tell me how to feel!" he yelled.

Tears started to well up in my eyes.

"Great. Now you're crying. Now I'm supposed to feel guilty?"

"Whatever, B... Don't tell me how to feel either!"

We ended up going outside to wait and my heart felt heavy. Before long, though, we were seated and we made up, as we always do. It was just typical Hyde/B tension.

Anyway, the rest of the meal was a lot of fun, and the restaurant was beautiful, although the food was mediocre.

After dinner I headed back to Cheers. I was really too tired to drink very much, but ThursdayGirl was there, and she bought me a shot of Jager. I also drank some wine. Then, the woman seated to my left began to talk to me. She was very drunk-- an older woman who told me she used to be able to sing, but she cleans houses for a living and the chemicals ruined her voice. She wouldn't stop talking my ear off. She bought me a Grand Marnier and told me I had to drink it without taking breaths. Then, when she heard it was my birthday, reached into her Duane Reade shopping bag (Duane Reade is the ubiquitous NY drug store) and pulled out a box of bath beads, handing them to me.

"Happy Birthday!" she declared.

It was sweet, but very strange.

Later, Dave came back over to talk to us. He tried to kiss me on the mouth. He actually made it lip to lip even though I kept pulling away from him. What the fuck??? He asked me to go outside and have a smoke with him. When I did, he told me that he, Duff, FightingMensch and KHill all work together, and that he was crashing at Duff's place that night.

"That is, unless I can stay over with you," he said.

I'm sure he was joking, but I wasn't quite sure how to joke back. I wasn't drunk enough. Too much Jekyll, not enough Hyde.

"I've heard such good things about you, Hyde," he said.

"Like what?" Now I was nervous. I mean, who knows what those boys talk about!

"Oh, I've heard a million stories!" he said. "But all good-- they love you-- just that you're a beautiful girl-- a real person. Legit."

"Legit? What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know... Legit!"

Huh?

We went back inside.

Anyway, the night rolled on. At 11:46 pm, I got another text from Narc:

Just saw "Brokeback." Was good. How was Rolf's?

ThursdayGirl grabbed the phone.

"Don't write back to him, Hyde," she said. "Just try something different. Just make him wait an hour. Maybe tomorrow you can make him wait two hours... Just see what you can do? Trust me... he's just testing to see if you're there."

"I don't know..." I felt really anxious.

I only held out for 15 minutes before answering:

Crowded! I wrote. But fun. My birthday's almost over. :( How was the movie?

Narc: Movie was good, if a little thin. Now back at home. Tired, depressed alone. Ugh.

This time I held out a little longer and didn't answer. Half an hour later, he wrote again:

Special on HBO with (my famous uncle) narrating!

I didn't answer this one either.

At around 1:00 am, Cheers was set to close. I finished off the night with two glasses of Bailey's and headed to Duane Reade to buy some hair conditioner. On my way there, I called Narc. We talked on the phone for about 20 minutes. A girl stopped me in Duane Reade and asked me to advise her on her choice of Holiday cards. She was drunk. Narc laughed on the phone because he could hear me giving her advice. I told him the whole night had been kind of surreal like that. He was still depressed. I told him I was taking the day off from teaching the next day. I needed the recovery time and the time to catch up on my work.

"So, if you're not teaching tomorrow, why don't you come down here and cheer me up?" he said.

"Cheer you up, Narc? I'm not exactly Miss cheer tonight, myself."

"That's okay... I can think of a few things you can do to make me feel better," he said. "I mean, right now it's just me being lonely with my penguin."

"Your penguin? Well, last night you seemed to prefer that penguin to me."

He paused. "Yeah, well last night I was pissed off and suicidal," he said. He lowered his voice.

I felt bad. I didn't want to throw it in his face.

"It's fine, Narc. I didn't mean anything by it."

"So do you wanna come over or no?"

"I don't know... It's late and I have to shower."

"Shower with me," he said. "We don't have to be up late."

"Well, okay."

I threw my stuff together and set off. I texted him again at 1:40 am from the cab:

I'm so tired. I'm thinking this is a fucked up plan. But on Houston already...

I have to say, Narc and I are both amazingly talented at shoving things under the rug. Despite the drama of the night before, we actually had a nice night together. He took my new IPod and filled it up with music from his computer. (All music of his choice, of course. That's Narc). But it was a sweet gesture.

This morning I slept in because I desperately needed it, and now I'm home doing work. I've got to go to class in a little while.

As birthdays go, I've had better and I've had worse, but I have a feeling that 27 is going to be much better than 26.

I think...
I hope...

-h-