Aching and Mistaking

(Second post for the day, you lucky devils!)

Why oh Why oh Why did I have phone sex with the Stallion last night??? I told him up front that I'm still seeing Narc.

"The guy who was at your place the night that I was there in April?"

"Yup. That's him."

"No fucking way, Hyde! No fucking way! That guy wasn't good to you!"

"Well, whatever... It's complicated and we're still on."

"Hyde!"

"Whatever, Stallion. What are you going to say about it? Men are like that," I said.

"Not me," he insisted. "You know I care for you. You know I love you! I told you that a few months back and I meant it.'

"You love me? Oh, you do? Now you have to be joking!" I laughed as loud as I could. "Stallion! You have a girlfriend of five years! Give me a break! You're a man. You want to fuck me. We have good fucking-chemistry. You and I both know it, and that's it."

"Look... I may be a man, but I know how you feel," he said. "I really, really care for you. I think about you all the time. Every day. There have been so many times when I've been by your building and I've wanted to stop by and drop you a note or something, but I've stopped myself. I didn't want to get all 'stalker' on you."

"I don't think of you as a stalker," I said.

"It's just that my time with you, Hyde... It changed me."

"I don't know," I mumbled. I tried to change the subject.

"So, how's your mom?" I asked.

"Worse. She's blind now."

(She has diabetes).

"Oh, Stallion, I'm so sorry!"

"Yeah, it sucks. But let's not get into that. What about you? What have you been up to in your crazy life, girl?"

"Me? When's the last time I updated you?"

"This summer, I think."

"Well, nothing has been as crazy recently as it all was back then..."

Our conversation went on like that for a while longer. Then of course, it turned to sex. He started detailing all of the things he wants to "do to me."

"Yeah, well, that's why I haven't really called you," I said. "It's like that's all we're going to do together if I see you, and I'm really not in that place right now."

"Aw, what's up with that Hyde?" he protested. "What place? What kind of talk is that? You don't have to be in any kind of a place for me! You know I have my girlfriend too. There's just something between us outside of all that. It doesn't matter what else is going on. What we've got is something in its own bubble, you know?"

"Why are you even with her?" I asked.

"I don't know." He paused. "I've been on the verge of breaking it so many times," he said. "But it's her family. I love her family. I feel like they're my own."

"I guess that's got to be rough."

Then the sex talk started up again. This time I let him take it where he wanted. I like being taken over by him and directed by him anyway, and I was too tired to put up a cynical resistance. I crawled into bed with him on the phone and we finished up.

"Are you going to forget this tomorrow, Hyde?" he asked. (The man knows I black out!)

"No. I'm not even that drunk."

"Good. Because I want you to think about this," he said. "I want you to think of me when you wake up. I want you to think about that summer when we did it for hours-- thirteen, fourteen times in a row. I think about that all the time-- on the couch, in your kitchen, on the floor... God, Hyde! We fucked for hours! Don't you know how I feel about you? I want you to think about all of that. Think about the fact that I've been thinking of you."

("You haven't been thinking of me! You've been thinking of FUCKING ME," I wanted to say. "I don't mean anything to you," I wanted to tell him. "You just have lousy sex with your girlfriend, and she won't let you dominate her, so I've gone and fucked up your world view. Where is HYDE in this equation?" I didn't say that, though.)

"Okay, Stallion. I'll think of it."

I wanted to hang up. All I wanted was Narc and his arms around me. All I want right now is Narc and his arms around me.

Damn it! Every time I think that all I have with Narc is "neediness," I have to remember this. If my love for Narc were just "need" for a boy or for sex or for male attention, I could get that anywhere.

I love Narc and I want Narc.

I want the feeling of my cheek against his chest right now. God, I want that more than anything.

I feel guilty for what I did last night.

Today the Stallion called me three times. I ignored all three calls. On the third call, he left a message. He said:

Hey, Hyde! How you doin'? Just wanted to see how your day went. I guess, give me a call back when you get this message. Okay, bye.

Meanwhile, I texted Narc back on Sunday night:

Heard it got mixed reviews. Glad you got out. :) Loved the church thing. Was gorgeous candlelight & I had a really elevated spiritual moment. You feeling better?

--Not a word in return.

So, I tried again. I sent Narc a text last night.

Blah. I'm sick of doing work, but so much left to do! How's your day going? :)

--Not a word in return.

Then I wrote to him again this afternoon:

The exams I was supposed to give today are postponed for when I'm in Argentina. The universe is in disarray!

I FINALLY heard something back from him tonight. He wrote:

Just wrapped MXXX-Man package after 5 hours at my producer's. My kingdom for a pint!

So he was working. That's good, because hopefully it has him feeling a little less depressed. I do hope he's feeling better.

I wrote back:

Wow. Yay!

And I miss him and I love him and I want him and it hurts.

And I don't know what to do now that I've lead the Stallion on and opened that door again...

And so I leave you with the sage words of Nazareth:

Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds, and marks,
Any heart, not tough,
Or strong, enough
To take a lot of pain,
Take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts,
ooh ooh love hurts

I'm young, I know,
But even so
I know a thing, or two
I learned, from you
I really learned a lot,
Really learned a lot
Love is like a flame
It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
They're not foolin' me

I know it isn't true,
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie,
Made to make you blue
Love hurts,
Ooh,ooh love hurts