Blog Stress

I am so incredibly stressed about what to do about this blog situation. Last night I posted a "goodbye" message, declaring my blogging days over forever. When I woke up this morning, I took that post down. I don't want to lose what has become an important cathartic exercise for me. But what to do? I feel like all of this is growing ever more complicated by the day. It's beginning to suck up too much precious emotional energy. And I've felt very alone since my fight with Hammer began.

I feel stupid having a secret version of my old blog. It seems to defeat the purpose. I want to be comfortable with myself and to be able to express myself freely. At the same time, I don't want to incur the disapproval of my friends. I feel like my blog has driven a huge wedge between me and Hammer and I've been feeling heartsick about it ever since Wednesday.

Hammer thinks that I took down my blog so that I'll be able to "control" things better. Well, you know what? She's right. Honestly, I don't know what's so wrong with that. Don't we all need to feel a measure of control over our own lives and what we tell our friends? Over how we present ourselves to other people? Shouldn't we be able to assess and choose how much we reveal of ourselves and to whom? I can't live as an open book, (as much as it might seem that I do based upon reading my blog). I still keep a lot of things to myself. But I've always posted frankly on this blog, in fact, almost thoughtlessly so. Some of that has come back to haunt me. I've opened myself up in a way that makes me incredibly vulnerable and I can't help feeling anxious and threatened by what I have revealed. I wish that Hammer could understand that I do trust her as much as I have ever been able to trust anyone.

I don't know what to do. I suppose I'll just continue the Annals at the old address and hope that it doesn't interfere in my friendships any more than it already has. I'll hope that Hammer and anyone else who reads it respects how sensitive I am for having opened myself up like that. I've told very few people in my "real" life that I keep a blog. For those that I have, it's been an indication of my trust--a privilege that I have to offer my friends. But blogging is a strange thing. I sit alone in my apartment and spill myself onto a computer screen. I open a window into my mind at a given moment, in words that I'd probably never be comfortable with if I were having a personal exchange with another individual present in the room. If, at later moments, those thoughts and those words come back at me unexpectedly from people who I know "in person," I feel completely off guard and under attack. I frankly can't handle that information coming back to me at unexpected ways in my "real" life off the internet.

Maybe that's not fair of me. But that's the way it is. For my own mental stabiliy, I need to keep my emotional life at bay and I need to seperate the "chaos" of Hyde from the "responsibility of Jekyll." It's how I've managed. I have always been a compartamentalizer. It's how I've coped and gotten through a somewhat chaotic life while managing to keep everything going "on the outside." Of course, I'm working on integrating the boxes in which I've shoved facts and friends. But only I can determine when and how those compartments can be dissolved and the process of integration can begin. No matter how well intentioned my friends are, change has to come from within and according to my own timetable. It seems that Hammer is angry with me that I keep things compartmentalized. She doesn't want to be closed out of my inner "Hyde" circle. But that's unfair. I'm not CAPABLE of doing it any differently. It's a mental shortcoming. I CAN'T mentally manage what she's asking of me. It's why I've felt so threatened by all of this. But I wish that she would understand that I moved the blog due to my shortcomings and not because of our friendship. I wish she would understand that a lot of my demons are exorcised at night in order to keep things held together during the day. I understand that my system is fucked up and needs to be changed into a more healthy balance, but that's an incredibly long term project.

I don't know. This added stress is just not something I want to deal with and that's why I tried to move the blog. But I guess the wiser thing to do would be to stop hiding and to return the blog to its former address. I guess I can be more measured in what I write there and censor myself for the sake of my friends. Maybe I've said too much all along. Part of me is angry that I have to change. But let's face it... I have to change a lot of things.

Hammer, if you're reading this, I want you to know--I have taken what you've said to heart. I've been thinking about it non-stop. I value and respect your opinion so much. I don't know that it's entirely effective for you be personally involved in the process of change in my life, but I have taken some important steps this week. I'm continuing to work with my therapist on all this, and we had a really valuable talk on Wednesday. I'll leave it at that. I hope that our friendship will not be ruined by all of this.

I guess that's it for now.

-Hyde-