This Sucks!

I may have to rework this whole blog thing again after all. I know that this is not a secure sight. After all, I can tell exactly who is reading this blog by looking at my site meter report. (The reports tell me the IP address, the geographic location and the length of time someone is on my page. It also tells me the entry page--how they found my site). It was clear that someone got onto this page by googling "annals of mr. hyde" and I can't seem to figure out how to make that not possible. As such, if I want to keep blogging, I'm going to have to come up with a whole new blog name in order to keep the old stuff out of google's search engine. This is aggravating and I probably won't post again until I decide what to do about it. I will definitely keep you all updated via personal email.

Tonight has been a miserable night for me. I spoke to Hammer on the phone and I really feel confounded about the whole situation. I can't really go into it now, as my mind is kind of numb, but I don't understand what she wants from me. She told me that the way I'm treating myself hurts her. But if I conceal the details of my life from her, she doesn't want to be my friend either because she doesn't want a "phony" friendship. It seems to me like my only option is to fix my life up in order to stay her friend. But obviously it's not that easy, and I resent the ultimatum. When I said that to her, she told me that she's not telling me to change and that I should "be myself." I really am fucking confused and so very sad. She is very angry with me that I moved my blog. I don't think she understands why I did it. I tried my best to explain, but it's pointless. I think she just needs to be mad at me for a while. I wonder if our friendship is over forever. I can't even think that right now, it hurts too much.

After I hung up the phone with her, I started to cry hysterically. I couldn't breathe very well and I started to feel my face tingle and my arms and legs tingle-- like when I used to have panic attacks. Fearing that there was a panic attack coming on, I started to cry even harder and to breathe even heavier. I called B. When he picked up the phone he told me that he "couldn't talk" because he was "with his girlfriend."

"Fine. I'll go then," I sobbed.

He didn't want me to hang up. I guess he felt guilty.

"This is starting to interfere with my relationship," he said.

"What is?"

"Your problems."

I'm telling you guys, it was the last straw. He can be SO fucking self-absorbed. I was crying in pain and he decided to heap on some more guilt. It was not the moment for that!

"Please don't do this right now," I begged. I was hysterical and practically incoherent. "Please let me hang up. I can't take this right now. So I'm a terrible person. I make you miserable and I make Hammer miserable. Fine. Please let me hang up."

"Hyde, what are you going to do if you hang up?" His voice was cold as ice.

"I don't know. I just can't talk to you. Please let me go."

We stayed on the phone like that a few minutes longer. My eyes were stinging and my nose was running. I still couldn't catch my breath, my face burried in the pillows.

"Fine, goodbye." He hung up the phone.

I sobbed until my ribs hurt and my throat was hoarse. At least I didn't throw up. I weakly pulled myself up off the bed and took a shower. It helped a lot, although I still feel drained beyond belief. When I came back over here to check out the status of things on my new page, I learned, from the sitemeter, that the site has been compromised.

Ughh!

Anyway, I'm so miserable that I'm numb. I feel like I lost two friends today. People driven away by my "problems." I don't know what to do. I am who I am. I'd rather be alone in the world than go through this kind of loss though. I think I'm going to go "off the radar" for a while (as Narc once told me in a particularly cold break-up text). I need to cut my ties with all of the people I make miserable. Obviously I do nothing but bring pain to those around me... Hammer, B, and as Hammer pointed out, Narc as well. She thinks he's right... that I'm "unhealthy." That it's my fault he doesn't respect me and doesn't treat me well. Maybe I agree with her. I don't know what I think anymore. My brain is so fried right now. Everything is spinning and I'm exhausted from that cry.

I hate everything right now.