and Beginnings...

Well, I'm back in the blogging business. And I hope that this post is the beginning of a new phase in my life.

I'm really too tired to post much right now. On Tuesday night I hung out with B and had a lovely evening. That is, until the phone kept me up all night. Narc started calling me at 1:00 am and didn't stop until 5:00 am. As B was sleeping in the living room, I didn't want to ignore the phone and let the machine go off. That would have woken B up, and I would have felt terrible. Nor did I want to go clanking around the living room trying to shut the ringer off, as I was sure that would have the same effect. Instead, I lay in bed resting my eyes in the lightest sleep possible, the phone recevier in hand. Each time the phone rang, I tried to answer it within the first half of a ring.

"Narc, I'm asleep. I really can't hang out. I have to go to a funeral tomorrow."

"C'mon, Hyde, get up! I want you here!"

"No, Narc... I can't!"

That's generally how the conversations went.

In the last phone call, he got really cranky.

"But I NEED you, Hyde! I NEED you! I want you here NOW!" He went on like a two-year-old child.

"For the last time, Narc-- I have to go to a funeral tomorrow."

"Well, come over here as soon as you're done."

"I'm not going to be done until the evening," I said. "I won't be back in the city until dinner time!"

"I don't care," he replied. "Come over then."

I think we finally hung up around 5:30 am. At least he didn't curse me and call me a bitch for not coming down there like he used to do.

The next morning I had to wake up at 8:00 am. Fuck! I was SO FUCKING TIRED! On top of that, I couldn't find anything to wear for the funeral. My black pants are all too tight on me and I hardly have any black clothes suited to summer anyway. Arghh! Finally I managed to throw something together that actually came off rather nicely.

On the way to the train station, I sent Narc a text:

Not sure if you remember all our calls last night, but let me know if u still want to hang out tonight. I'll be done w/funeral @ 6:00 but not free til 9:00-ish...

As for the funeral itself, I don't really want to talk about it. It's too depressing, and I'm really low energy today. So, moving on...

My mom drove BigSis, Bro-in-Law and me back into the city where we met LilSis and JBC returning from their trip to the Dominican Republic. We all went out for dinner to celebrate LilSis and JBC's recent engagement. I was walking home from dinner (at 8:53 pm) when Narc texted me:

Out yet?

I called him back and we talked for a few minutes. He never even asked me who died. I told him that I had had a rough day and that it was strange to see so many relatives--aunts, uncles, second and third cousins, etc. coming out of the woodwork.

"You know what I mean?" I asked.

"Actually, no, I don't," he said. He sounded hostile and bitter. It made me remember that Narc has no family.

I told him about my little sister's engagement.

"Your little sister! How old is she?"

"23."

"What?!?! That's way too young!" he exclaimed. "They'll never last! That's my prediction. They'll never last!"

Um, thanks for the vote of confidence, Narc...

Anyway, I agreed to meet him in an hour. When I got home, I rang NDN's bell. We had made a plan to meet a new neighbor on our floor. We went over there, brought cookies and said hi. Then I sat down to check my email. I had a message from Hammer--a very long message from Hammer. Basically, she reiterated over and over how concerned she is about my drinking.

An excerpt from her email:

... it's painful for me to listen any more without taking action to do something to help. How can I help? I know that you want to fight any sense that anyone wants to help you, and I think that that is part of the problem... I am frankly very scared and very worried about your health, and it seems like you are intentionally killing yourself. I can't just passively watch it anymore. I want to take action...

I was kind of stunned upon reading her letter and not really sure what to think. She had expressed a similar sentiment in the comments section on my most recent post, "Opposite Day." Honestly, I had been a little pissed off when I read those comments. As a close friend, I felt like those were sentiments best expressed to me in person and not for public view on my blog. A blog is a very personal thing and I feel like it was a privilege for her to be reading my innermost thoughts--not an opportunity to lecture me. I felt publicly attacked.

I don't know. Maybe I am being a little sensitive about it, but her email felt like an even greater attack. I tried to take a deep breath and remember what a good friend she is before responding. I also ran my response by NDN before sending it off.

Here's what I wrote:

Hammer,

Part of me felt immediately defensive when I read this email, but ultimately, I am grateful to have a friend who loves me and worries about me. Part of me doesn't want to tell you things about my life anymore, but part of me is grateful that I've always been able to be so frank with you. I don't want to deal with this via email. I don't even know what I want to say or how to respond. So, I guess I'd rather talk to you about this in person. I'm not going anywhere between now and when you're back in NY...

Please keep in mind that your most recent impressions of me are via my blog. I'm sure that it does not fully represent my life. I didn't drink the weekend I spent with you and that was followed by a week in California without drinking.

I'm not trying to destroy myself, but at the same time, certain solutions may be more suited to me than others. There's a lot about my family dynamic and my issues with alcoholism that you don't understand. I'm willing to talk to you about this.

Hammer, you know I value your opinion and how much your friendship means to me. But in the end, this is something that has to come from within me. I miss you a lot and can't wait for you to get back to NY. Hope you are well and things with the Wizard are all cool.

Love you!

Hyde

I have to say--all of this caused me tremendous anxiety and started me thinking about my blog in general. When Hammer was here in NY, I saw her in school, we went out for coffee, we bullshitted and watched TV, we went to the movies and to museums and text messaged each other all day long. Yes, she also heard news of my antics with Narc and my heavy drinking, but that was all within the context of Hyde-the multifaceted girl. I began to realize that my blog presents somewhat of a flat picture of me. It's all of the "drama" of my life, and none of the mundane. It's two-inches of who I am, and yet, here she was drawing conclusions and fleshing out a whole picture based on the small piece of myself that I post. She has been away all summer and we've hardly spoken for some weeks. Instead, she's only heard news of me from my blog.

Then I began to think about Liu. When Liu moved out of NY (first to Colorado and then to Texas), we used to email each other every single week. We kept that up for about four years. Last year, our letters began to grow few and far between. When I started posting this blog, I gave Liu the address. After that, forget it... I hardly ever heard from her! After all, she could just read about my life online. She felt like she was all up to date on my activities, so why bother to call or write? It was as if she had been in touch with me, even though I wasn't benefiting from her friendship or support. I didn't like how Hyde-the-blogger was becoming a substitute in our friendship for Hyde-the-person.

Finally, I began to think about the recent situation with Dan. Dan has decided that he's in love with me based on eight months of reading this blog and a handful of personal meetings this summer. Having spent some time with Dan in recent weeks, it's clear that he has a sort of "savior-complex" in relationships. He sees Hyde-the-blogger as some wounded girl that needs to be loved and appreciated. Why? Because he's been consistently reading about how I'm unfairly "abused" by Narc and at odds with the world. Poor Hyde turns to drinking because nobody makes her realize what a great girl she is. Poor Hyde can only benefit from someone announcing his love for her out of the blue!

Is that how I come across here? If so, it's entirely inaccurate! I'm not a victim. I'm with Narc because I have a savior-complex. I'm a super strong and kick-ass girl. I don't want to be saved. I know (and I have known all along) that I've never really tried to quit drinking. Sure, I've made the resolve time after time. But the resolve part is easy. I've never even attempted to follow through. I drink because I WANT to drink. And I want to drink because it fills my life with noise and drama and chaos. I want a life full of noise and drama and chaos because I'm desperately afraid of being lonely. I know what would be left should I strip away the drinking-fueled drama-- one very lonely and anxious girl with a low sexual self-esteem. But even so, that girl is strong. And she certainly doesn't want to be pitied, saved or put on a pedestal by Dan!

When Dan and I went out on Monday night, as much as I tried not to, I still felt uncomfortable around him. How could I not? The guy announced he was in love with me and it's not reciprocated! On top of that, it became an issue I didn't feel comfortable speaking freely about on my blog. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. On top of that, how weird is for me to go on reporting my sexual exploits with Narc knowing that Dan, (having declared his love) is going to read about them!

All of these things were swimming around in my head. I don't want these people reading my blog anymore. I don't want ANYONE that I know in person, or outside of the blog world to be reading my blog. I just don't want it.

So I changed the address.

Anyway, on to my visit with Narc last night...

When I got there, he answered the door naked and walked back over to the couch. We had kind of an unremarkable evening. A lot of sex and a lot of television... the usual stuff. I somehow felt tired of him. Maybe I'm just tired of fucking someone who doesn't care about me-- who didn't ask who had died in my family, and who has never once asked how my brother is doing in the whole six months since the accident. I don't know... I fucked him anyway.

We were up until about 3:30 am. Narc had slept in that afternoon until 4:30 pm. I, on the other hand, had been at a funeral all day on about three hours of sleep (thanks, Narc!). Narc would be able to wake up at his leisure the next morning. I, on the other hand, had to set my alarm and get up for my therapy-phone call. Ughhh! He didn't seem to care.

This morning I woke up and had a really amazing therapy session. I still need to process all of it, but I think that I'm ready to start reframing my thinking on a lot of issues. I called my therapist from the plaza in front of Narc's building. Then I went back inside and crawled back into bed with him. He jumped out of bed with no more sex though. It was strange. I checked my email from his computer to see if Hammer had written back to me. She had.

She said:

I will take this email as a sign then that you do not want my help. That, and the fact that you took down your blog. Do not worry, I will not help you. You are lucky to have me and other friends who take the time to care about your well-being. But if you want to continue with the lifestyle that you have, then there is nothing else I can do for you-- don't expect me to listen when you call me crashing from a high, or pity you as you begin to get ill again. You can't even stay sober for 72 hours anymore. good luck.

I couldn't believe her response! It took everything I had to fight back the tears, as I didn't want to cry in front of Narc. Narc came over and read the email.

"Whatever... I wouldn't worry about it," he said. "She's probably just going through some stress in her own life and is dumping it all on you."

"I hope that's all it is," I said.

Narc started to get dressed.

"I'm meeting James for lunch. So you better get going, alright?"

"Fine. Whatever..."

I pulled on my clothes and headed towards the door. I was pissed that he was ushering me out. This day was turning into total shit. I didn't even bother to turn around or hug him goodbye. I just slammed the door behind me.

I took a cab uptown to my voice lesson, even though having been forced out of Narc's place, I was an hour too early. On the way up, I called B. I just had to talk to someone about the whole Hammer exchange. The conversation started out okay until he started defending Hammer. It was a vulnerable moment for me, and I had called him for comfort. I felt friendless and again, under attack.

I am WAY too exhausted right now to try to detail our conversation, but it turned into a pretty bitter fight.

"I'm fucking SICK of your victim complex!" B shouted at me.

"Well, I'm fucking sick of you cutting me down! And I'm sick of leaning on you and being left to fall!"

"Give me a break, Hyde! Who the fuck do you think you are?" he demanded.

I didn't bother to respond. I hung up on him.

Tears streaming down my cheeks, I wandered over to Riverside Park and the Firefighter's memorial. I sat on a bench and stared at the fountain and a nearby tree for 45 minutes until it was time for my lesson. During that time, B sent me a text:

I'm sorry. Don't mean to abandon you. But please try to hear what I'm trying to say. Have a good lesson.

Still, I didn't respond. Every bone in my body wanted to forgo the world and drag myself into a cave somewhere. I'm sick of my friends. I'm sick of my acquaintances. I'm sick of everyone and everything that I know. I don't want to DEAL with this. I just wanted to go home and sit with my cat and be a hermit. I don't think I've ever felt quite as exhausted as I did at that moment. I went to my voice lesson instead.

After the half hour of singing (which is always meditative for me), I returned B's text:

Thanks. I will. I just need some space now though.

He answered:

Ok. You know I love you forever.

Part of me felt relieved by his response, but part of me was infuriated.

"FUCK YOU!" I wanted to scream. "If you love me so much, then why did you make our relationship impossible? Why did you make me feel like shit about myself for three years? Why were there points when I didn't even want to leave the house? Why did I feel sexually worthless? Why did I feel emotionally used? Why did I trust you? Why did I put all of my eggs in one basket, believing in our future together. YOU FAILED ME! AND I HATE YOU!!! Damn it! How am I suppposed to sit on these feelings forever??? AND WHY SHOULD I??? Just because I love you???"

I didn't answer his text.

I sat down to set up my new blog address and to check my email. Hammer had sent me another response. (Again, it was a long one, so I'll just post an excerpt here, to get the point across).

Hyde-

It's not like I don't want to be your friend. I'm actually really sad, and as I wrote yesterday, I have been really down and anxious about your condition for several months now. It seems sometimes that you don't think about how painful your behaviour can be to other people who care for you. Sometimes it feels like you are actually really selfish. You just treat it like it's your problem, and we all have to be here for you, whatever it does to us. Apart from the pain I feel in seeing how deeply desperate and self destructive your behavior has been, there were a few times when your drinkings and dramas really hurt my feelings. One of them was the most recently, when you came to DC after an all-nighter of drugs and drinking. I felt I was your excuse to stay sober, or your therapeutic crashing pad... I want to be here and to help you. I can see that you are sometimes quite desperate. I can relate to the feeling, but not to your solution. Like I told you on the phone last week, your "life" is not so fucked up. You are incredibly fortunate with a loving family, with a lot of money, with an incredible ability to touch people, with a huge intellect. But you are filled with chemicals so much of the time. I am not. What do we do about this enormous discrepancy? Do I continue to watch you desperately struggle on your own? Or do I try to offer my help to you? I can help you continue to hide from your family, if only you will go to therapy (real therapy) and address your tendencies to fix everything with alcohol and drugs. You are hurting me and you are severely damaging yourself. I have watched you get worse and worse throughout the months. That is where all of this emotion comes from.

Love, hammer

So I wrote back to her (again, not presented here in full):


Hammer,

I'm sorry that I've been insensitive to your feelings. The reason I am taking down my blog is not to keep secrets from you, but rather, because I can see that reading the play by play of my life is burdensome and stressful to you as it must also be to other friends. I'm very sorry that I've ever hurt you. I care about you and don't mean to be selfish. B and I have a sort of agreement between us--he doesn't approve of many of my behaviors and so I don't talk to him about them. Obviously, that's not a long term solution for me or my problems, but it IS a way for us to have a happy and ongoing friendship.

I realize that I've been unfair by calling you while drunk or complaining to you about my own fears etc. It shouldn't be your burden and I can understand why it stresses you out so much. As such, I don't want that to be a part of our friendship any more. Not because I don't trust you, but because I don't want to put that kind of strain on our relationship.

As for the other issues in your email-- I had a great time in DC. I had been looking forward to visiting you all summer long (I repeatedly asked about free weekends, etc.) and I never EVER saw you as an "excuse to stay sober" or a "theraputic crashing pad." I made a mistake by doing too much the night before my visit. I was angry at myself for that as well. I understand why it hurt your feelings, but please don't misinterpret my behavior. My weekend in DC was more enjoyable to me than all of the nights I go out drinking. I miss having you around... It's been a strange summer for me. The trauma-situation with Narc in early June really threw me off and I messed up big time by not getting a job. I haven't had any kind of stability this summer. I'm sorry if that trickled into our visit...

...I'm sorry that you feel like I take your friendship for granted. Trust me--I don't. I really do appreciate you, and I DO hear you right now. I will do more to be sensitive to your feelings and needs so that you know it. Solving MY issues should not be YOUR problem... I had a really good therapy session today and need some time to think about all of it before I can say any more on the matter of alcohol, Narc or "love." There's really too much swimming in my head right now about that to even attempt putting some of it into this email.

I need some time to think right now. Some time away from Narc and Cheers and blogging. I'm going to try to take it easy for the next few days. (And FYI--by 2:30 am tonight I'll be 72 hours w/o alcohol!)

I hear what you're saying, but I'm asking you to give me the chance to redefine our friendship without all of this between us, and to make this my problem and not yours. I don't want to be a selfish friend and I'm sorry that I have been.

Let's talk about this when you get back, okay? Until then, give me some space to do some work on it on my own and let's see how it all goes.

Please let me know what you think. I don't want to lose your friendship over this.
Hyde

Anyway, that's where we left off.

And that brings this blog up to date. I need to lay down for a while now. I need to close my eyes and think.

I am so so SO fucking tired.

-hyde-