Dramas

First of all (even though they don't read this), congratulations to LilSis and JBC-- They just got engaged!

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better today. I suppose it had to go up from where I was yesterday, right? Even so, I don't have the energy to detail the past few days here in the same way that I normally do. So I'll keep some of it uncharacteristically brief.

On Thursday night, NDN had his dinner party at a Korean BBQ place. I drank too much plum wine and generally had a great time. It was nice to get a chance to catch up with Oc. Added to that, the dinner included a strange sort of reunion. One of NDN's friends came with her two cousins. The cousins and I realized that we were born in neighboring towns, and while I didn't put it together that night, it turns out that I actually knew them when I was growing up. The elder of the two sisters was very good friends with LilSis when LilSis was only four years old. I didn't recognize her because I hadn't seen her in twenty years, but when I told my mom about the strange coincidence of meeting two girls from that same small-town area, she asked me their names and immediately made the connection. Weird.

It was a fun dinner party. After the meal we all came back here to hang out at NDN's. I stopped off at Cheers with Oc and another of NDN's friends to do a quick shot first. I saw one of the FourthFloorGirls there. She thinks I have a crazy life, and gave me quite a look as I dashed in and out of there with two boys she had never seen before. I found it rather amusing. Anyway, back at NDN's place we drank some more and smoked the hookah. I snuck into my own apartment and did a few lines. That kind of fucked me up, so by 1:00 am when everyone headed home, I should have just gone to bed.

Is that what I did, though? No! Not Hyde! I just had to push it as far as I could. You see, earlier in the evening, Narc had sent me a text:

Out in midtown now. May give call later.

So basically, he put me on call. How could I go to sleep? I dragged my collapsing body over to Cheers to try to drink through the come-down. Well, I don't remember much else (as I already told you in my post about "Memory Loss"). Here's what I've been able to reconstruct about that night:

Narc told me that I called him a million and one times. According to him, I met him at one of his favorite bars in the West Village. He said that I got there at 3:30, but I suspect it's more like 4:30 based on the outgoing calls on my cell phone, and the fact that he said I got there just after the bar's last-call. He told me that I didn't have any cash because I couldn't get the ATM to work and that he had to come out and pay for my cab. I later realized (from crumpled receipts wrapped around my Visa Card) that I had been trying to use a regular credit card at the ATM machine. (Oops!)

After that, I do have one brief memory of the night. I don't know what time it was, but I remember being on the floor of Narc's living room, near the coffee table. I was crying and I think I told him that I love him. He looked stern and told me that he doesn't like "histrionic (or hysterical) Hyde." He must have said I was being irrational because I remember telling him that I didn't care...that he thinks all woman are irrational, and that he even said so in a voicemail a while back. He denied it, and I remember trying to find that message saved on my phone.

(I posted it on July 6th. But to remind you, here's what he had said in the message:
Hyde, you are probably ignoring me right now. I forgot that women do this. I was thinking for a second there that you were like all rational and that, um, if I wanted to see you and you wanted to see me, you'd all be like: "Oh yeah... We should figure this out!" But I forgot that you're a woman and you're going to dwell on some kind of weird-ass like serpentine underwater thing. Well, you know...like, figuratively underwater thing).

Anyway, I remember not being able to find the message.

That's the last thing I remember until I woke up the next day and saw the mysterious bloody sheets and the bruises on my legs. Also there is the unexplained matter of the 6:39 am outgoing call from my phone to Narc's. WHY would that call have been placed if we were together at that time? Ughh! I guess I'll never know.

Anyway, moving on... I spent all of Friday with Narc, just fucking and watching a lot of crap on TV. My head was killing me and I was really tired. It was pretty much a shit day, even though we were together. (Well, not total shit, but it was hard to fully enjoy him with such a headache and no real pain killers around). He was making plans to meet a bunch of friends on the Lower East Side. Other friends kept calling him, and he invited every single one of them out to join him. I didn't expect him to ask me along (he never has and never will, and besides I didn't feel up to it), but it hurt my feelings anyway.

As for my own evening plans-- I was supposed to meet NDN and a bunch of friends to go to a bar on Delancy, but I called him to cancel. I just really needed to rest my body. I came home and went to bed.

Saturday, as you know, was spent at the hospitals. The whole day left me pensive and miserable and I was resolved to take better care of myself. Completely resolved! I wanted to be done with all of this shit.

I hadn't eaten anything all day, so after posting here, I decided to go across the street and pick up some Chinese food. Passing Cheers I felt a strange impulse come over me. It was almost like a backlash born of fear about my new resolution. I went in.

As I pushed through the door and greeted the bouncer, I made a resolve to have no more than two drinks. I wouldn't have whiskey, but rather, I'd drink baileys. Yeah... baileys is not that strong, right?

About half an hour later I had finished four glasses of baileys. I didn't even try to stop myself. In fact, I drank faster than usual. (What the fuck is WRONG with you, Hyde?)

Crys (the crystal meth dealer from South Carolina) was there and was drunk upon my arrival. He hugged me and kissed my cheeks and told me that I was his "best friend in NY." He had crazy amounts of energy and was all over me. I would be surprised if he wasn't on something more than alcohol.

"Hyde! The the night I had hanging out with you was best night I've had in ages!"

He told me that before that night, he never would have imagined doing "medicine" on some girl's roof across from the Chrysler Building.

I smiled, and awkwardly untangled myself from him, taking a seat at one of the tables.

"Do you think there's any chance of a repeat experience?" he asked.

"No, not tonight," I said. "I've got to watch my health a bit tonight. Can't go crazy."

But once I switched back to good old Jack and downed a few, I was just as glad to see him. The two of us had a blast cheering for the motley succession of drunk karaoke-performers. He and I did a Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood duet, and I have to say, we kicked ass. He does a perfect Garth imitation and the crowd went wild afterwards.

A lot of the old regulars were there. Another guy named Dan who I know from a while back but hadn't seen for a few months was there celebrating his 30th birthday. My biggest drunken "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" fan was there and kept trying to put his arm around me. I saw a friend of BulgarianGuy's, and another guy that I know named Pete. I also bumped into a guy that I had met there months ago. (I tried to go back and find the exact night here on my blog, but I have SO many posts about drunken nights at Cheers, that it would take too long to find this one in the pile). Anyway, this guy is an amazing singer, and likes to sing the "thong song" and get down into the crowd singing to individual girls. Weird. (And slightly annoying). The last time we met, he was majorly hitting on me, and I remember talking to him outside the bar and telling him that I'd be back the next night to hang out. I never showed up though. I guess I must be his type, because he even though he didn't remember me from a few months ago, last night he was hitting on me again. He sang that romantic song "Back at One" and pulled me up on stage with him, staring at me intensely while his sang it. Thank god for the alcohol or I would have died from embarrassment.

Anyway, he kept trying to get me to dance with him, but I didn't want to. Despite the drinking, I was still feeling morose from my day of "decay" and dancing was just a little too much for me.

"Please!" he insisted. "You have a gorgeous voice, and I have to say... I have a little crush on you!"

I refused. In the middle of this conversation though, I heard a commotion near the door. I turned to see what had happened and apparently Crys had gotten into some sort of bar fight with someone. The bouncer was pulling him back and PumpedUp was heading over to deal with the situation. I was confused. A few minutes later, Crys came over to me, tears in his eyes.

"PumpedUp is kicking me out," he said. "He told me never to set foot into this bar again!"

He was really shaken up.

"That's awful!" I tried to comfort him. "It's not so bad, though. There are other places to go, right?"

(Meanwhile, I wondered if it had anything to do with the fact that on Tuesday I told IrishBird about my strange encounter with Crys the night before I went to visit Hammer).

"You don't understand," he went on. "I just lost my job and I'm gonna be forced out of my place tomorrow. I have nowhere to stay and no money. This bar is the only fucking reason I'm still in New York! You're like my best friend in this fucking city!"

(What? I certainly hope that's not true!)

"Well, it has to get better, right?" I smiled through the whiskey. " I'm sure you'll be okay."

I was starting to feel a little awkward. I may have been drunk, but I'm not stupid. I felt like he was trying to con me. He definitely wanted something from me and it was making me uncomfortable. The conversation didn't last for long though. PumpedUp ushered him out of the bar.

I stayed and continued to have fun, in massive denial of everything I had gone through earlier that day. At one point, I saw Crys passing outside the window. He beckoned for me to come outside, but I sort of waved him away. I didn't want to get any more involved.

The bar started closing up at around 4:00 or 4:30 am. Incidentally, the busboy who has a crush on me finally decided to talk to me. He said a few words to me in Spanish. I guess I had tried speaking Spanish to him at one point in the past. I answered him (in broken drunken Spanish), but don't remember now what we said. Probably just made some menial conversation. I wasn't that interested. I was too busy feeling down on myself because I had texted and called Narc. I felt a little stupid and a little desperate for having done so. I don't want Narc to think badly of me. But looking back on my text, you couldn't tell I was drunk, so at least that, right? I wrote:

You still up? Just wanted to talk to someone... Nevermind if you're asleep...

Whatever...

Anyway, when I left the bar, guess who was still lingering on the sidewalk outside? That's right-- Crys. He came over to talk to me. He still seemed really upset.

"Why did you wave me away before?" he asked.

"I don't know. Because they weren't going to let you back in."

I was hungry (remember, I had done all that drinking on an empty stomach, never having made it to the Chinese place) and wanted to go across to the deli. He followed me.

"Look, Hyde-- I need your help. I really don't have anywhere to go tonight. I have no one. I'm totally alone."

"I don't know what to tell you," I said, filling my arms with red-bulls for the inevitable hangover headache the next day. "I wish I could help, but I can't."

"You can, though," he insisted. "Can't I stay at your place? I could even sleep up on the roof!" He was talking too close to me, touching my arm, and staring imploringly into my eyes. He had a sort of puppy-dog look on his face. I couldn't help but get the feeling that it was an act he had put on many times before.

By now I was paying at the register. "I can't do that," I told him. "I just can't."

"Why not?"

"Because! I'm a single girl living in New York City. I have to fucking look out for myself!"

"Why? Do you think I'm going to attack you? Or rob you?" (Um, actually, I did...) He acted all insulted. Like I had said something to mortally wound his feelings.

"I just can't," I said. "That's it."

He left the deli while I waited for my change. When I was done paying I peeked out the door and saw him still there, leaning against a street lamp. His posture was slumped over. Again, I think it was for my benefit. I didn't care, I drunkenly ran across the street, breathlessly stumbling into my lobby.

"Look, if anyone comes by here for me, don't let them in!" I told the doorman.

"Of course, of course!"

And with that, I was home. I felt like the night had soured. I didn't want to be home alone and I was angry at myself for being drunk. I was still depressed about all of the illness I had seen earlier in the day, and I was anxious about Narc. On top of that, I felt guilty for having left Crys on the street. I blogged a somewhat incoherent post (in which I revealed more about myself and my past than I would have liked to) and collapsed into bed.

Today I renewed my resolve to take better care of myself and to better manage my life. I took down last night's post, hoping that very few of you read it. (I know that Charby saw it, because she left me a comment, but that's okay). I don't know, though... Things like that shouldn't be happening to me--shady crystal meth dealers pressuring me to be let in to my apartment at 4:30 am! I mean, really...

Tonight I had dinner with my friend Jake and his girlfriend at a local Japanese place. Walking there and back, the thunderstorms were immense. The rain fell in blinding sheets and the humidity was unbearable. I'm home now and am going to try to get to bed at a reasonable hour. Tomorrow begins a work week for me. I have a lot to do to prepare for the coming semester--especially in terms of my teaching. Narc is never far from my mind, but I'm going to do my best to chill about all of that. Honestly, I really do believe that the less I drink and the more I work, the less I'm going to "love" Narc. At least that's what I'm hoping...

Good night for now!

Hyde