I'm sick of memory loss.
Last night was fucking crazy but when I try to remember everything that happened, I have a black hole for a good portion of it. When I woke up with Narc this morning, there was blood on the sheets. It freaked me out, because there's no obvious reason for it. Also, there was some suspicious soreness and I have bruises on my knees and my thigh. Weird... Also, he told me that I met him at around 4:00 am but I have an outgoing call from my cell phone to his home phone at 6:39 am. When I asked him why that would be, he said "I don't know... Because you're crazy?"
Maybe I am.
I spent the day with him today, but felt like shit for most of it. It's not even 1:00 am on a Friday night now and I'm going to bed. I dropped him off in the East Village where he was meeting some friends a few hours ago. I do feel pretty sick. I have to make some lifestyle changes. This is getting ridiculous.
I'll fill in the details on last night later. (Or at least those that I can remember!) For now, it's to bed for me!
-hyde
6 comments:
Oh Hyde, this is not good. I'm a little concerned about the whole blood/bruises.
I really really really hope that Narc would never take advantage of you when he knows you are oblivious.
Call me today between 5pm and 9 if you can.
I think I made it sound worse than it was. I don't think he took advantage of me. I'm more concerned about what I did to myself with the drinking than anything Narc did. Really--he's not like that. The bruises are probably from falling. Thanks though. I'm going out to LI today to see my brother, but will call you when I get back.
"Because you're crazy?"
I try so hard to imagine how this guy thinks and I can't do it. What kind of answer is that? Does he have this "memory loss" as well? Or is he just being an asshole?
Hey, Hyde - I'm sure you know this but the memory loss is almost surely blacking out.
I know that at one time you were thinking about AA, but if that isn't for you, you might check out some harm reduction program in your area. They pretty much specialize in helping people to make adjustments to their lifestyles without insisting on abstinance.
Hang in there!
Hyde-
From what you write you sound like a really intelligent great person who just fucks with herself from all this drinking and drugging. It sounds like part of you wants to stop but it's like the "umph" or the "push" or the will power for it is not there yet. Don't let that happen. You say AA was shitty for you apparently. Why not take a month or so off and go into a detox program or something? I've had friends who've done it and it has been very helpful for them. Don't worry about the time you wouldneed to take off, your health is all you really have anyway. Do that and I think all the self-hate will go away, and most things will fall into place.
Hi anonymous,
Thanks for the comment. It's something that I've thought about, but I don't know that I can actually do it. Remember my Jekyll and Hyde personality? There are whole pieces of my life that I hide my "debauchery" from (including my family). Decompartmentalizing all of that seems mentally impossible for me...
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