Last night I feel like I hit a low. I fought off depression all day, but didn't know what to do with myself and I ended up at Manchester, drinking from around 5:00 to 9:00 last night. I was just sinking lower and lower and felt like I needed to escape in the most desperate way. I can't believe that Narc has me thinking quasi-suicidal thoughts. He's not worth it, and I need to hold on to that and really make some kind of change. I can't let my emotions and my hyper-romantic fantasies get the best of me. I'm not that foolish underneath it all.
My first order of business--stay off alcohol until the worst of this Narc-mourning has passed. I clearly can't handle a combination of the two. My second order of business--get out of my own head. I'm going to try to be really task oriented and not so self-reflective. As such, I may take a few days off from blogging. Just wanted to let you guys know where I went, so you wouldn't be worried that I last blogged about being all depressed and then disappeared.
I'm going to focus on a few goals:
1.) get my health back in order--take my medications, eat better and exercise 1/2 hour a day
2.) clean my house little by little and throw a lot of things out (1/2 hour a day)
3.) put in at least two hours a day towards my incompletes
4.) put in 1/2 hour to an hour a day towards my job search
5.) when I get the nerve up, erase the thirty somewhat messages I have saved from Narc (along with at least some of the dozens of scraps of paper, bar-napkins, matchbooks, ticket stubs and other junk I have saved for our "relationship archives").
That's it for now...
One day at a time, right?
5 comments:
Absolutely, sounds like a great plan.
The No Drinking step has to be priority number 1, it is a depressant.
* Hugs *
Good luck! I know you can do it and get those goals achieved!
Please, if you find yourself thinking about hurting/killing yourself, contact someone! Anyone! Well, not Narc, but anyone else. I will give you my number if you want - I'm usually up late.
Based on personal experience (not recent experience, thank goodness) loneliness fosters those thoughts and talking to another human is the fastest and easiest way to forget them, even if you have to call a jerk like me.
One of these days Dan's gonna say something that's not totally & utterly on the button.
Not today though!
Hang in there honey, you are in my thoughts.
Perhaps that bus trip to PA may help?
SOunds like a really reasonable plan! Good luck, and we all love you and believe in you!
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