I'm so so tired. I'm just tired beyond belief. Tired of everything.
Last night VJ came over for a while. We had chinese takeout and watched some Law & Order and she printed out some resumes and cover letters. (She's looking for a teaching job in Florida). Even so, I was falling asleep by 11:00 and was out almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Earlier in the afternoon, I walked down to the East Village to go check out that Korean movie that I've heard so much about--Oldboy. The thirty blocks or so were absolutely sweltering in the 90-degree weather. I fucking HATE New York City in the summer. It's so humid and grimy. You can't walk two steps without your makeup melting off, and feeling like you have dirt under your fingernails. I can't wait for it to be autumn again.
The movie was really cool, but also disturbing. There's a scene in which a man eats a live octupus whose legs continue to wriggle while hanging out of his mouth. I found parts of it hard to watch. Narc is the one who recommended the movie to me in the first place, so when I got out, I texted him that I had seen it and that I found it "disturbing." He wrote back right away that it was "disturbing, but amazing!" and that they're doing an American remake with Nicholas Cage in the leading role. I told him that was "kind of hard for me to picture," and I asked him how he enjoyed Six Feet Under the other night. He wrote back that it was "great as always" but that he was sad it was in its last season.
I really just don't understand him. He's continuing to be in touch with me more than ever before, but I still feel the sting from that slap in the face that is his blog. He totally speaks with forked tongue, and while I know I should have learned by now, I can't help it that it still hurts like hell. He knows he's treating me like I'm not worth anything; he just thinks that because he says "we're not in a relationship" that it excuses all of his asshole-behavior. This is such a fucking drain on my energy and it has been for a long time. I'm about ready to go with Flash on this one, and foresake all members of the opposite sex. It's just too exhausting. I just can't do it anymore. It's so hard for me to fall out of love, that I don't think I'll be ready to see anyone else for a while anyway. I'm not one of those girls who can see one guy to get over another if I'm still in love. If I'm still in love, and I can't have the one I love, I'd rather be alone.
Anyway, more good news for me--I get to look forward to a lovely afternoon of lunch with Anxious and then I get to go have some blood drawn. (Yes, literally as well as figuratively!) I'm sorry I'm being such a complainer today. I just don't want to go back out into this heat. I'm in a bitchy mood. I want to pick a fight with someone today. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and smash something really hard on the ground. I want to make something bleed.
Why do I have the feeling that in the end, it will only be myself?
3 comments:
I hear you, loud and clear.
I could have written that exact post, minus the movie and the blood...hehehe
Thanks for being there for me last night. I know I have been blowing your cell up.
The same goes for you, I'm here for ya.
Maybe you need a weekend in the suburbs, you should come visit : )
The bus is relatively cheap from Port Authority to the city I live in. Under $40 for one day
Just a thought when you need an escape.
I can take you to "my" bar, with the panty droppers
Though I know a plane to England may be more than $40, the offer's open here too.
You walked down to the East Village yesterday? My condolences. Next time take the M15, it stops right in front of the theater.
Did he offer an excuse as to why you aren't addressed in his blog? Is it because you won't let him read your blog? Have you even asked him about it?
As a guy, I can say that sometimes guys make mistakes without knowing it and if you don't tell us we did something wrong we never learn.
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