The Mess

What a fucking mess. It's 2:45 am and I'm awake although I don't want to be. I just read Sunshine's blog and it looks like she was late-night posting too. I guess it's just in the air.

I was really upset yesterday afternoon. I cried and cried and cried and couldn't stop crying. Finally, I had to do something to calm myself down. I smoked some weed (which seemed to do the trick) and set off for Cheers where I had a few too many whiskeys.

At some point in the middle of all that, Bezoukhoff called me, or I called him, because he showed up there. NextDoorNeighbor dropped by too. I whined to them for a while about all things Narc-related and then decided it was time to get myself home. I felt like it was really late because of my relative state of intoxication, but I think it was only around 9:30 or so.

When I got home, Narc called me (as we had previously arranged), but I said that I couldn't talk because I "had company." Well, I did--Bezoukhoff was here and part of me wanted to piss Narc off. He said that he was going into a comedy show and would call me at around 11:00. Well, needless to say, he didn't call me at 11:00. He called me at 2:30 am and woke me up. He can be a real asshole.

So what was I so upset about earlier? It's hard to explain here without going into some really personal details that I'd rather keep off the blog, but I'm not crazy for being so sensitive right now. Let's just leave it at that. I read his blog this afternoon; he finally posted--the first time since May 18th. Since his last posting I've spent 9 out of 15 days with him. There is no mention of my existence on his blog though. I don't need him to mention me by name or to go into anything about our relationship at all, but it would be nice not to be written into non-existence! Well, judge for yourself... Here's what he wrote:

(Oh, and before you read it, you should know one more thing--we emailed each other yesterday. When we were at Battery Park on Saturday I had mentioned wanting to take a sailing class. I said I had looked into it last summer but it cost a few hundred dollars that I didn't have at the time. He said he thought sailing would be really cool, so I sent him a link for the Manhattan Sailing School. Lovely how it makes an appearance here in his post.)

My, what a week it's been. Just back into Manhattan a few days ago, and find myself still recovering from not one but two escapades that I undertook in the last little bit: attending the "Healing Your Deepest Wound" workshop last weekend (in-depth post to follow), as well as, immediately after, heading on down to Florida to see my mother for the first time in quite a while (again, post to follow). Spent most of the weekend decompressing from the aforementioned--and in that vein, aside from the usual reading and ruminating over coffee at Mocca (as well as dinner on Saturday with M&M), I jumped at the chance to meet "New-Girl" for a few martinis at the Chelsea Brewery last night, that we might simply catch up, veg, and watch the sunset for a few hours. Seems that "New-Girl" has finally put most of her belongings into storage and is, just now, in the process of planning her upcoming roadtrip on June 15: SUV rented, sleeping bag and tent acquired, destination... Uknown. I find that I'm a bit envious, actually--as there's something very innocent and dream-like about tossing caution to the wind, hopping into a vehicle, and driving until you see where you end up (though she does have plans to get a bit of surfing in down south). I wished her the best of luck on her trip, and crossed my fingers that my own summer would, at the very least, provide for a bit of adventure as well. And on that note...

Signed up for Beginning Drawing and Fundamentals of Culinary Technique at the New School (never cooked a dish in my life, and figured it was about time that I remedied that...), as well as (in keeping with my "more adventure" resolve) Hang Gliding and White Water Rafting through the Adventure Society (details under "Now Enrolled In", at right). Also, would like to take Basic Sailing at the Manhattan Sailing School as well, but am waiting to get a group of four together before taking the plunge (any takers, let me know...).

More soon--in the meantime, photos from "Healing Your Deepest Wound" are now online (under "My Photos", also at right).

Anyway, it's clear that I don't even exist. He knows that I read his blog and I can't imagine any other reason for him to write me out of his life like that except to twist the knife. It's even more upsetting now because we're in a bit of a situation together and he knows that I really need his support. I just cracked. He can be cruel and I really feel like I don't want his support anymore because in the end, all he ever does is hurt me. I have been trying so hard to be patient with him, and to try to accept him on "his terms," but he insists on ignoring that I am a real human being with feelings.

Even tonight when he called me--he woke me up in the middle of the night and didn't apologize for it. He just talked about himself for a while and then when I yawned said he was going to go watch Six Feet Under and have a cigarette. So much for me, my feelings or my sleep.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little tired again now, and want to take advantage of the possibility, so I'm going to jump back into bed.

Hope you're all having a better night than I am!

-sad hyde-