The Shock

Okay, here's the rest of my story... I've been so totally depressed for the past day or so, because I think I know what I have to do. I think it's time to try to ditch this whole Narc thing (again!) even though I don't entirely want to do it, and even though I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do it. I hate hate HATE this, but he really doesn't leave me much of a choice. I mean, I really don't want to end it, but I'm beginning to realize that half the pleasure of the relationship for me is a purely masochistic pleasure, and that sort of thing can only get worse if I continue to indulge it.

So, let's just pick up where we left off:

On Sunday night, I got back from Long Island and was hanging out at home when I received that text from Narc. I called him back at around 10:00 pm to find out what he was doing. He told me that he was "laying around contemplating his naval."

"Do you want to hang out?" I asked, "Or are you in for the night?"

"No, I think I should get out of the house," he said. "How about Yaffas?"

I told him that I'd be there in half an hour, packed my bags and headed out. On the way out, I bumped into NDN in the lobby and we sat and talked for a little while. After that I set off for downtown.

When I got to Yaffas it was a little awkward, as always. There are always strangely long gaps in our conversation and physical tension between us when we first meet. I'm never quite sure how close to him I'm supposed to be. Then again, after we have a few drinks in each of us, all of that disappears. So, once again, we warmed up to each other and began to talk about a million and one things--taking acid, Narc's lemonade fast, the advertising industry and reality TV. Narc said that he had seen a proposal for a "cool" reality show in which some hot guy seduces women, sleeps with them and then horribly dumps them on screen.

"Don't you think that's kind of cruel?" I pointed out. "I mean, what have those women done to deserve that?"

"Oh, c'mon," he said. "They deserve it. It's payback for all of the awful shit that women do to men."

"Like what?" I asked.

"It's obvious. All women just use men," he said. "They're all materialistic and they don't care. They don't want to understand men. They seduce and dump...and enjoy it."

"Not all women are like that," I said. "There are a lot of women who care, you know."

"I don't think so."

"So you're just a misogynist then?" I asked. "You think women are 'evil' and out to get men? All of them? They're all bad?"

"Well, I've never met any who would prove otherwise."

I couldn't believe how this conversation was going. I've never heard anyone openly admit to being a misogynist!

"Well, what about me, Narc?" I raised my eyebrows. "Do you think I'm like that?"

He hesitated.

"Well, you haven't done anything yet, but I'm sure that you will. I mean, I'm sure you're the same as all the rest."

What????

"So, what, Narc? I just haven't shown my 'true colors' yet?"

"Yeah, you could say that..."

Fucking unbelievable. All I've done is be sweet to him.

"Narc, that's ridiculous," I said. "It's obvious why you don't trust people when you just stuff people into flat categories. So, for you women are just symbols? Not real three dimensional people? Damn it... I can't believe that after all this time, and especially Thursday, that you still don't see me!"

"What do you want from me, Hyde?" he asked.

"I don't know..." I felt defeated. "Just for you to see who I am and for you to be happy."

"Yeah, well, I want to be happy too," he said.

At that point, it was about 2:00 am and I'd say we were each at least six or seven drinks in. Narc was drinking doubles, so I don't even know how much he had. We decided to move over to the Tavern where he always hangs out. (I guess it's his Cheers). On the walk over there he held my hand. We talked again about happiness. Narc always wants to direct and control his life. Again, I told him that I think he'd be happier if he could accept some parameters and find happiness within them. He told me that he thinks that's "weakness." (I guess we're just really different like that.)

When we got to the Tavern, I went to take his hand again but he pushed me away and it hurt my feelings. I didn't say anything though. Narc knew the bartender and I introduced myself. He said that we had met before.

"Oh, really? When was that?" I asked.

"The night that you met Narc and CouchSleeper here," he said. "You were sitting there," he gestured to the other end of the bar. (I think that was around May 14th--right after I dyed my hair black).

Narc was over at the jukebox and I went to talk to him. I kind of leaned against him, and he pushed me away again. What the fuck?

"What's going on, Narc? Why are you rejecting me?" I asked him flat out.

"I'm not," he said. "Come here." Then he gave me a huge hug.

I'll never understand that man. I think I should just give up trying.

As it was super late and a Sunday night, I was the only women in the bar. There was a group of Australian men there and a guy from Maine. We were all kind of chatting. It was easy to make conversation and they all seemed to want to talk to me. Narc seemed a little jealous and moody, but there was no reason for that. I never left my seat by his side.

The bartender made us all small pizzas. I was confused. I didn't even know they served food, but it was after 3:00 am and I was drunk at that point, so I just accepted it. Silverado was playing on TV. Narc and I talked about movies for a while. Then he wanted me to sing something. He told the bartender that I sing opera and that was doing my PhD. He seemed proud of me and I thought it was sweet.

We left the bar at around 4:30 or 5:00 am. On the way home, he complained that the Australians had been talking to me too much. He repeated that I was the "same" as all women. I told him not to insult me, that I wasn't interested in them, and that they weren't interested in me. He didn't reply.

"Don't say that about me, anyway," I said. "It makes me feel just awful."

He stopped and stared at me coldly. "You have no fucking idea what awful is!"

It scared me the way he said that, and I didn't know what he meant, so I didn't say anything.

"You know what we need?" he asked.

"What?"

"Champagne."

"Where are we going to get Champagne at 5:00 am on a Sunday night?" I asked.

"There's a 24 hour place near me," he said. "Come on..."

We stopped over at the deli that oddly carries champagne and I went to the back of the store to look for Doriotos. Narc couldn't find me and called my name.

Back at his place we downed the entire bottle of champagne (on top of the 10-12 drinks each we had already polished off). Then we screwed around for a while before finally falling asleep at about 6:30 am. The next day we didn't wake up until 4:00 in the afternoon! He is such an "aristocrat!" I can't afford to get sucked into a lifestyle like that.

The next day we woke up and watched TV. I had had tentative plans to meet B for coffee that morning, but obviously didn't get in touch with him, as I had slept the day away. When I woke up, I had a testy voice mail from B and two texts, so I called him back. He was pissed off.

"This isn't the first time you've done this, Hyde, and it's always when your with Narc!" he said.

"I'm so sorry, B," I said. "I didn't mean to be a bad friend, it's just--"

"Whatever. It was a shitty thing to do, and I am mad at you for it."

I just have no strength these days. I started to cry a little. Narc looked alarmed. B and I hung up the phone and I wiped away my tears.

"What's up?" Narc asked.

"Nothing. It's just B. He's mad that I didn't meet him today."

"Fuck that!" Narc said. "What's his problem? I've been blown off a million times."

"I know, but I'm usually not like that," I said. "It's just me and him, well... Don't worry about it."

A minute or so later, B called back. I picked up the phone and walked into the bathroom. Again, B and I got into it and I started to cry and apologize.

"Just please don't be mad at me," I pleaded. "Just don't be mad at me right now."

Narc came into the bathroom and tried to grab the phone out of my hand.

"Hang up the phone," he demanded.

I gave him a beseeching look, as if to ask him for another minute.

"No. Hang up the fucking phone right now!"

He tried again to take it from my hand. I pulled away.

"Look, B, I really have to go."

"Oh, so you don't want to talk to me all of a sudden?" he demanded.

"It's not that. I just don't want to cry anymore right now."

"Fine. Goodbye."

After we hung up, Narc just went back over to the couch and sat down. I joined him there and we spent the rest of the afternoon having sex and watching TV. We watched School of Rock, and later Hammer called and I talked to her for a few minutes.

At about 7:00, Narc suggested that we get out of the house.

"We should go down to Battery Park and watch the sunset," he said. "Then, I know a good noodle place over there, or we can come back up here to Mocca for dinner and Martinis."

"Sounds good," I said. "Let me just get dressed."

We set off for the river, and the sunset was absolutely amazing. It was strange though, it made both of us pensive, both of us retreating into our inner worlds. I didn't feel like it was something we were sharing with each other. We walked along the water until we got to the Winter Garden, and then we swung around and walked along the other side, closer to the World Trade Center. While we were waiting at the light to cross the highway, his phone rang.

"It's the Exhibitionist," he said. "Hold on a sec."

I totally overheard their conversation since he was having it right in front of me. Basically, here's what transpired:

She must have asked him what he was up to.

"Oh, I'm not doing much," he said. "I'm just taking a walk and watching the sunset."

He didn't mention at ALL that he was with someone. What??? Do I not exist?

Apparently, the Exhibitionist had been on a road trip and had planned to be out of town for two weeks. (Earlier, Narc told me that she had asked him to go along, but that he said no). She came back really early but had given up her apartment so she had to stay with friends. That night, she was planning to stay with a friend up in Harlem.

"Harlem?" he asked. "That can't be the greatest. You can always stay with me. My couch is totally available for as long as you want it."

She must have said that she would stay with her friend anyway.

"No, it's totally not a big deal," he said. "You can come on down now if you like."

What??? Was he inviting her over?

When he hung up the phone, he didn't say anything to me. We crossed the street together. I waited for him to explain.

"So... The Exhibitionist is coming over," he said. "You know... I just didn't want her to be homeless or anything."

I didn't answer. Obviously she wasn't homeless. I had heard the whole bit about her having a place to stay in Harlem. Was he going to kick me out? I felt like I was going to throw up. As we walked back towards his place I was silent. I just waited.

"Do you still have any stuff left at my place?" he asked.

What??? I couldn't fucking believe this was happening. I was being kicked out for another girl!

"Um, yeah. I left everything there," I said.

I was radiating negativity. Even though I was silent, I'm sure he knew I was upset. Plus, he has to know he was being an asshole. No one can be that much of an idiot.

"Well, you don't mind, right?" he asked me. "I mean, you have a lot of work to do anyway."

Again, I didn't answer. I just felt sick and completely numb. I felt myself just slipping further and further into my own head. He seemed a million miles away from me. Everything did. Even the sounds of the traffic seemed to echo as if it were all down at the end of a tremendous hallway. Narc started chattering to me about something, but I have no idea what. He was acting as if everything were completely normal.

When we got back to his place I depressedly began to pack my things. I called NDN and told him that I would give him a call on my way back uptown. Narc started tidying the apartment. Neither of us said a word. Then, a few minutes later, the Exhibitionist called again. Again, I heard their conversation spoken right in front of me.

Basically, she told him that she wasn't going to come down after all, but that she would stay with her friend that night. She told him that they were planning on going to the beach the next morning and asked him if he wanted to come. He agreed. Again, he repeated his offer to let her stay at his place.

"You can come stay for a few days this week," he said. "I'm not doing anything because my computer's still not fixed."

When he hung up the phone he looked at me.

"Well, it looks like the Exhibitionist isn't coming."

"Oh."

I continued to pack my things.

"So... Well.... So, you don't have to go then. I mean, why don't you stay and hang out. We can get dinner," he suggested.

What the fuck? There was a voice screaming inside my head.

"What the hell is wrong with you Narc? Do you really think you can treat me like that and I'll stay? Leave, Hyde! Get the fuck out of here and leave him alone. Let him spend the night alone. Let him be all alone right now."

I really felt like I couldn't breathe.

"I don't know Narc," I said weakly. "I probably should go."

"No, just stay and have dinner. C'mon. Why not?"

"I don't know."

I sat down on the couch. I felt like I was going to cry, but I also felt too numb to cry if that makes any sense.

"I just can't think straight right now," I said.

He gave me a look like I was just being a strange moody woman who didn't make much sense. I took out my journal and started to write.

"What do you want for dinner?" He asked. He spread the take-out menus out on the table in front of me.

"I don't care," I mumbled. I continued to scribble in my journal.

"Okay, I'll pick," he said. "I'll give you a minute to write."

I felt dizzy and flushed and my feet were tingling. I still felt like my chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. I KNEW I should leave, but I felt trapped. I felt magnetically attached to the couch, and like I was complete garbage. I didn't even exist. I mean, if he and the Exhibitionist are really "just friends," as he says, then why couldn't I stay and hang out even if she came over? He's met a bunch of my friends... Why didn't he tell her that he was busy that night or that I was with him? It just hurt so badly.

It's then that I realized what I am to him... I'm a time filler. The one thing Narc has an endless supply of is time. And he hasn't had anyone to hang out with lately... CouchSleeper was in Ireland for a month, and his friend James just had a kid. Narc is perfectly happy to spend time with me until a "better" offer comes along. Is that how he feels about me in general? My head was killing me and I kept screaming at myself to leave, but I didn't. I just sat there, and that's how all of this is my fault.

Finally, the food arrived and we ate dinner. I started to block out what had happened and it seemed like things were back to normal. But I never entirely got the knot out of my stomach. Later I gave him two blow jobs and felt like shit about it after. Oh well... We were both tired because of the late night the night before, so we were in bed and asleep by 1:00 am.

The next morning, Narc got out of bed at 11:00. His movement woke me up and I looked at my watch. He rushed into the kitchen and checked his cell phone. The Exhibitionist had said she would call around 8:00 am but we hadn't heard the phone. He was checking his messages in the other room and I heard him call her back.

"You were supposed to call my land-line," he said. "The cell was in the other room."

I guess she hadn't left for the beach, because I heard him tell her it was okay to come down. I was still laying in bed, and he came back into the bedroom.

"So, Exhibitionist is coming over here," he said. "Do you want to shower first, or should I?"

"You go," I said. "I'll just shower when I get home." Again, I started to feel sick.

Narc went into the shower and I closed my eyes. When he came out, I pretended to have fallen back asleep.

"Up! Up! Up!" he said, pulling open the blinds to let the sun in. "You've got a lot of work to do today, remember?"

I didn't say anything, but slowly got out of bed and pulled on my clothes. (Meanwhile, I've NEVER kicked him out of my house, even on days I had to leave to go teach!) I proceeded to take as long as possible to get dressed. Narc ran about tidying the apartment again, still in his bathrobe. I slowly put on my makeup and carefully did my hair. I wanted take a long time so that I would still be there when the Exhibitionist arrived. I wanted to see what would happen. Narc had plenty of time to get dressed, but he didn't. Finally, the doorbell rang. I was packing up the last few things into my bag.

Narc went over to the door, and I heard a female voice.

"Always in your bathrobe," she said.

When she came into the apartment, she was surprised to see me there.

"Oh! Hi."

I introduced myself.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she said.

"Oh, no..." Narc insisted.

"No," I said. "I was just going anyway."

"Do I know you from somewhere?" she asked. "You look so familiar."

"I don't think so."

"No, you don't," Narc said.

"Oh, well maybe it's just from Narc's pictures."

"No," he interjected. "Hyde doesn't like to be photographed."

(That's because I wouldn't let him photograph me naked. Something I still consider to be a rather wise decision!)

"Anyway, I should go," I said, gathering up my things.

"I really hope I'm not interrupting." She put her bags down. She obviously was set to spend a few days there.

Narc walked me to the door. I wondered if he was going to kiss me goodbye. I kind of leaned in for a kiss and he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"All right, hon," he said. "I'll talk to you soon."

As I walked out, I heard the Exhibitionist saying that she was going to brush her teeth.

My head was spinning. I got back to my place at around noon and wrote my "Getting Weary" post. I just felt awful for the rest of the day. I didn't know what to think or how I would get through it. I didn't eat anything the entire day but around 5:00 I started to feel dizzy. I figured I should go find some food. I went to Cheers and drank whiskey with my dinner.

Two hours later I had finished about five whiskeys. IrishBird showed up for work at 7:00 and we talked for a few minutes. She commented on my eye which was still looking bruised. (It looks a million times better now, by the way). I needed to get out of there.

A friend of a friend of mine is a composer and was giving a concert in a cafe down in the West Village that night. I thought it might be good for me to get out and go, so I asked Bezoukhoff if he wanted to come along. I met him at my place at around 7:30 and we headed downtown.

The concert was good. I mean, the music was a little flaky, but it was calming and moody and nice because I was depressed. I sent Narc a text during the concert telling him that I thought he would have enjoyed it. Of course, he didn't write back and he still hasn't. He's busy with the Exhibitionist. It just reinforces what I already knew. As miserable as I was, I did enjoy Bezoukhoff's company. He is the sweetest friend--just way too nice. He listened to my troubles all night and paid for everything ion top of that. I don't know how I'll ever convince him that it's not necessary! We finished a bottle of wine and I had another whiskey. Then we headed back uptown to Cheers.

We hung out a Cheers for a few more hours. IrishBird was in a good mood, and it cheered me up a little. She was giving away candy that someone left with her. I couldn't stop thinking about Narc. I just need to get away from him. I feel like I'm addicted to him like a drug. It's good when I get my fix, but it's fucking up everything else. And I forget that there are so many other people...good people who care about me and whom I love to be with. I mean, I haven't even taken a voice lesson in a month! I've been spending all my time with Narc!

Nevertheless, I couldn't rid myself of depression that night and the more I drank, the worse it got. Finally, it was time to come home. I wrote that post "Drunk," and dropped off to sleep at around 3:00 am.

Yesterday I had therapy in the morning, which was difficult. It just stirred up a lot of bad things. Then, B and I met just before noon to see Batman Begins on IMAX. The movie was good and seeing it in that theater was awesome. After that, we strolled around Tower Records and then went to our "10-20-50" spot. I just felt like myself again being with him, and I love how much he loves me...really loves me for who I am. It was like medicine for my soul. It started to rain and we took the M104 all the way home, just talking about life over the long bus ride. Then we stopped at Dunkin' Donuts and indulged in sweets, which I never do, but who cares? With this whole Narc thing, I want what I can't have, so why not have what I'm not supposed to in terms of a dessert. Right? It made me feel shitty after though. We came back to my place and hung out and played piano and talked for a while more. He ended up staying over. We had a cozy night and ended up going to bed early--before midnight for once!

I made a resolve yesterday to end this insanity with Narc. It just hurts me so much. I can' t believe what he did this weekend and I can't believe I was stupid enough to trust him by opening myself up to him like that.

Yesterday with B I felt strong, but today I'm on my own and I don't feel so strong anymore. I still feel like I love Narc, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that that can't be true. It's just my fucking masochism. That's all that this is about!

I don't know, you guys... I don't know where I'm going to go from here or what's going to happen.

All I know is that I need some peace.