Settling Down

So I heard from Narc on Tuesday afternoon. We "sort of" resolved the fight we had the night before. He complained that I'm always insisting I want to go out and do things together and then when we finally do, I always throw some kind of dramatic fit and say that I'm leaving. He said that he's sick of it. I think he's exaggerating, but in general he may have a point. But I tried to explain how difficult all of this has been for me (as you guys know!). I told him that the reason I start to say that I want to leave is because a huge part of me knows that I should leave (especially if he'll let me walk out, the way he did the other night). My feelings way outweigh what he's willing to offer me, and I never know what ground I'm standing on with him. Half the time he acts like there's nothing between us, and half the time he acts like I'm the only one he can love or trust. I never fucking know! Besides, on Monday, what I really wanted was for him to tell me not to leave--for him to reassure me that he wanted me there. I told him that our whole relationship leaves me confused and insecure, and that the only thing I have control over is whether I participate in it or not. Sometimes I just want him to convince me that I should stay...that he wants me...That it's okay. He said that he doesn't know what I'm so confused about--that he's always made it painfully clear that we're not in a "relationship" and that we never were. We're just two people "having fun together."

(What? He's deluding himself. We've been seeing each other for 10 months and saying 'I love you' for six. It may not be a healthy or committed relationship, but it's certainly a relationship of some kind!)

"Look, Narc-- I'm not saying that you've lied to me, or led me on or seduced me or hurt me on purpose," I said. "But just because you say 'there's no relationship' doesn't mean that it's true or that my feelings disappear. It's not that clear."

"It's always been that clear to me," he said.

"Oh really? Then how do you feel about me?" I asked him.

He fumbled around for a few seconds for an answer.

"Uh... Um... Well.... It's really hard to quantify when you just ask it like that," he said.

"I figured."

"Look, Narc--the bottom line is that I don't want to force you into a relationship that you don't want. But you have to see that this is hard for me. You're offering me a really small box into which I'm supposed to shove an overwhelmingly complicated set of feelings. It's just fucking hard. And it is confusing. I'm sorry if I flail around sometimes trying to do it or get dramatic when I'm drunk. You have to know, though, that I'm doing my absolute best to meet you on your terms. I mean, I have to... it's all that you're offering. But that doesn't make it easy."

"I guess."

"I really am doing my best, Narc."

"yeah..."

"And I'm an emotional girl, you know?"

"Well, I know THAT!"

We both laughed kind of awkwardly.

From there, we changed topics.

Yesterday I spoke to B in the morning and then hung out with Bezoukhoff in the afternoon. He was being such a sweet friend. He helped me work on calculating semester grades (which I'm off to turn in today). Then he treated me to lunch and dinner--way too much! We came back and hung out at my place. I sang and then we looked at some ridiculously syrupy sweet Russian folk songs. He played me his favorite Russian bass (off the internet) and then we looked at pictures of King Ludwig's castles in Bavaria, fantasizing that we should have the resources for such indulgences! After a while, we took a walk around Tudor City and down past the UN before getting a late night sushi snack with NextDoorNeighbor.

So that's it for now...

-hyde