The Non-Relationship

Well, here I am insanely hurting again. Crying and such. Just got off the phone with B who called me "pathetic" and told me that he doesn't believe I'm ready for change. I started to cry and he asked me "what I want from him."

"Just to be loved."

"No. You want to be loved only in the way YOU want to be loved," he said.

I cried again. (Doesn't everybody?)

"I can't fucking take this right now," I said.

Is anyone noticing a pattern here? Why am I crying every fucking day?

I'm still drunk and in the most god awful way. I have a pounding headache and it's almost noon. What happened? Here's the story:

Yesterday I spent the day indeed pathetically depressed. I didn't leave my house at all. My computer crashed, as in the entire hardrive is fucked up, and there's probably nothing I can do about it. I tried to get myself into better spirits at around 6:00. I bought two big cans of beer and a pack of cigarettes and went to go sit on the roof. I just hung out up there for a while thinking. When NDN got home from work around 7:30 he came up there to meet me.

We decided to go for a walk and set off up 1st avenue. We ended up walking across the 59th street Bridge (something I haven't done since 9/11!). Then we walked home down 2nd Avenue. NDN invited me over for dinner with him and Oc (whose name shall from here on in will be changed to "Tav,") and so we stopped at the supermarket for some supplies. We picked up some booze and groceries and took off for home.

Back at his place, NDN cooked us dinner and I hung out with him and Tav. Of course, we got on the topic of sex, and I learned some very interesting things from the boys. For example, they told me that most girls "don't swallow," (really?) and about strange acts like "the Bismarck." We had fun. Towards the beginning of our little dinner party I got a phone call from Narc. He said that he was in the East Village reading and drinking martinis and asked if I wanted to join him. I didn't pick up the phone, but rather, let it go to voice mail. The boys encouraged me not to pick up, and I was proud of myself.

We drank a lot and NDN got high off of a cigarette. Tav was strumming the guitar the whole time and making rhyming commentary on our lives. After dinner I sang a few songs--two arias, my masochist song, and "Cry Me a River."

At 11:47 I got a text from Narc:
At Cheers.

I went into a slight panic. Why was he there? BarMan had told me not to come back there with him! I couldn't believe he was just a few feet from my house. I hoped that there wouldn't be any kind of awful confrontation there. The boys encouraged me to stay calm and ignore it, and for the most part, I did.

NDN went to bed at some point and Tav and I stayed up for a while talking. In the middle of all that, Narc texted me again:
Going to do a duet, "One" by U2.

Again, I didn't reply. It was killing me though, you guys. I had to practically sit on my hands. I was strong though, and I have to say I was proud of myself.

Finally, at 1:32, my phone rang again. It was Narc, and again I ignored it. He left me a message basically saying that he had waited for me at Cheers for a few hours, but that he was heading back to Tribeca. Fine.

Tav was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I had consumed just the right amount of alcohol to rev me up, so I didn't think I would be able to sleep, but came back to my house to try. I didn't stay for long though. Instead, at around 2:00, I headed out to Cheers.

Once there, I sat at the end of the bar and downed 4 or 5 whiskeys as fast as I could. (Don't know why.) MarriedGuy was there, and I talked to him for a few seconds. Weird. ThursdayGirl came over and gave me a big hug. It made me feel like there's been gossip about me, and that she had some reason to pity me. Maybe I'm just paranoid. IrishBird told me that Narc had been there.

"He's a real asshole," she said.

"Why? Did he do anything?" I asked, "Did anything happen?"

"No, he's just an asshole."

I was worried. That didn't sound good.

At around 3:45 Cheers was closing, and my phone rang again. Yup. It was Narc. This time, I was drunk enough to pick up.

"Where have you been all night?" he asked.

"I was home," I said. "I just ignored your calls."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I'm pissed off at you!"

"Why are you pissed at me?"

"Because you fucking kicked me out of your house for the Exhibitionist!"

"What? I'm not going to discuss this with you on the phone, Hyde. Just get down here. I'm at the Tavern."

"Fine." (I guess I'm used to doing what he says.)

I came back to my house and drunkenly tried to shave my legs. Not a good idea. Now I have a big gash on the back of my calf to go with all my other injuries! I packed a bag, hopped a cab and was off.

When I got to the Tavern I was drunk beyond belief. I remember having trouble finding it, and having trouble focusing my eyes. It was after 4:30, and they had already done last call, but the bartender served me one anyway. It was the same guy who had been there on Sunday. I didn't waste any time before telling Narc that I was upset. I had no room for nicities... Not after how I'd been feeling. I really don't remember much of our conversation there because I was too drunk.

What DO I remember? When we got up to leave, Narc was walking way too fast for me to keep up.

"I had a really great time waiting for you all fucking night at Cheers," he said. He was angry. Really angry.

"I never said I would meet you there."

"Fuck that, Hyde! I don't even WANT to know what you tell them about me!" he said. (I wondered if anyone had said anything rude to him.)

"What I tell them about you?" I asked. "What would I tell them about you? That I love you?"

"You don't love me."

He rushed on ahead. I couldn't keep up.

"Please don't leave me here out on the street again!" I implored him. "I'm too drunk, and it's late, and I can never find my way around here."

"You can find a cab, if that's what you want," he said.

"It's NOT what I want!"

I had to run to catch up with him. (Not an easy thing to do at my level of intoxication!) When I did catch up with him, I tried to explain what I had done by telling him how bad I felt about the whole Exhibitionist thing again.

"I can't believe you kicked me out!" I said. "You kicked me out! I've never done that to you Narc... not ever!"

"Whatever! I told you that Exhibitionist didn't have a place to stay. I told you that I didn't want her to be homeless."

"That doesn't make any fucking sense," I said. " She could have come over, and you didn't have to kick me out. We could have both been there."

"No," he said. "You don't understand how it is."

"Oh? How is it?"

"It's just a really delicate situation with her."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, she's going through issues," he said. "She had to talk to me about stuff. It's none of your fucking business."

"That's BULLSHIT! And besides, even if that were true, you could have apoligized to me and explained it to me that night."

At that point, we were already back in his apartment. He poured me a glass of wine. (That's all that we needed, right? More alcohol.)

"Hyde, this is fucking insane," he said. "We are not in a relationship. Do you fucking hear me? WE ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!" He was yelling at me now.

"I don't see how you can say that."

"Like last Friday in the sushi place," he began, "you were being all physical and couple-y with me. But we're NOT together!"

"You're going to say that after what happened on Thursday night that I shouldn't have been physical with you? You told me you loved me over and over and fucked me for two days, but I'm not supposed to touch you in public? What about everything that you've said, then?" I asked. "Come on, Narc! We've been at this for a whole fucking year! What about all of the times you've said that you love me? Since OCTOBER? What about the fact that we've spent 20 of the past 30 days together? You spend time with me, you 'love me' and you're fucking me, but we're 'not in a relationship.' You're fucking CRAZY. What does 'relationship' even MEAN to you?"

"It doesn't matter. I TOLD you I don't want a relationship, so we're not in one. That's the bottom line."

"Whatever..." (He was right, and so there was nothing I could say to that.)

At that point, I remember Narc was standing in the kitchen. I was sitting on his couch.

"Fuck it, Hyde," he said. "At this point, I feel like we're an old married couple."

"Not such a bad thing," I said.

"No, it IS a bad thing. I don't even want to have sex with you right now."

Now I was getting really upset.

"You don't want to have sex with me?"

"No, I don't."

"Then why am I even here?" I demanded. "You're not my friend, we're not in a relationship, and now you don't even want to fuck me. What's the point of all this? Why am I going through this with you? Why the hell am I HERE?"

"So, leave then." He calmly gestured to the door.

"Are you asking me to leave? Now? At 5:30 in the morning, completely drunk?"

"So don't leave, whatever. I just don't want to see you right now." Narc was shutting down.

"Fine. I'll go to sleep on the couch."

And with that, I flopped back onto the pillow right where I was sitting and closed my eyes. Narc stood there looking at me for a moment.

"Don't sleep on the couch. That's ghetto," he said. "Just come in the bedroom with me."

He started to walk into the other room and I stood up to follow him.

"We're not having sex though," he said.

"Believe me, you don't have to tell me that twice," I answered. "I'm not exactly all into you right now either."

I got into his bed, but moved my body as close to the edge as possible, far away from him and fully clothed, of course. Narc followed me, and climbed on top of me. His whole body was over me, and he stared at me for a moment. Then he yanked off my pants.

"What are you doing?"

"I want you naked," he said.

I raised up my arms for him and he took off my shirt. (Again, I guess I'm good at following instructions.)

"I thought we weren't having sex," I said.

"We're not."

He pulled me in close to him and just held me. It felt so good and so bad at the same time. I was asleep within minutes.

This morning, when I opened my eyes, my head was pounding beyond belief. I had no idea what time it was and I was disoriented. It took me a moment to remember where I was. I usually don't get such bad hangovers, but I must have drank more than usual. (I need to take some time off from the booze starting now.) Anyway, I pulled on my clothes and got a glass of water. Then I collapsed back into bed and slept for another hour. When I woke up again, I was flooded with bad feelings. Everything from the night before came back.

I just can't do this on his terms anymore. I mean, if we're together, we have to be in a "realtionship." Anything else would be a joke and a lie. It's clear he doesn't want that, and it's clear that I can't accept anything less at this point. I just can't. And so I felt sick this morning to know that unless he undergoes some radical change (which is not gonna happen), it has to be over.

I got out of bed and washed my face. I didn't even bother brushing my hair or anything. I just wanted to get out of there before I lost my resolve. I felt like it might be the last time I see him, and that is impossibly hard for me. Thinking about it now makes me want to vomit. I went back into the bedroom and stood over him watching him for a moment. I wanted so badly to love him.

"Narc, I'm going," I said.

"Huh?" He rolled over sleepily and opened his eyes.

"I'm going. I'm taking off."

"Okay," he said.

"See you around, Narc."

And with that I left.

On my way out, I talked to NDN on the phone for a few minutes and then to B. Like I said, the conversation with B left me in tears, but in the middle of writing this post he called me back and we talked it through so I feel a little better.

Honestly, you guys, I'm just so fucking exhausted. Part of me wonders if I'll ever hear from Narc again. The other part of me tells me that I shouldn't care. In either case, I can't continue this unless he offers me a lot more, and he made it abundantly clear last night that he doesn't want to.

Point well taken.

-hyde