Mishaps and Miracles

Yesterday gets mixed reviews! Some mishaps, and some miracles.

It certainly was an odd day, that's for sure. If you couldn't tell from my last post, I spent the first half of the day incredibly cranky. I spoke to my therapist in the morning and she tried to give me a "wakeup call" vis a vis the Narc. She kept reminding me how he shut down and turned me away last Monday when I was drunk and crying at 3:30 in the morning, telling me that he would call security if I didn't go.

"I just don't know what he was thinking," I said.

"Whatever it was, it wasn't something nice."

Well, shit...

After posting on "the annals," I chatted online with B for a while, and he cheered me up, as he always does. Then I was off for my lunch date with Anxious. We had planned to meet at "40 Carrots"--the restaurant downstairs at Bloomingdale's. I got there right on time and got on line for a table. Forty minutes later, I was still waiting for Anxious to show, and ready to explode with anger and frustration. Fuck it. Finally I decided to take off.

When I emerged onto street level, I saw that I had two messages. (I guess I just didn't have reception in the Bloomingdale's basement!). I was about to call Anxious back when I bumped into her on her way into the store. She apologized, explaining that she got caught up with some stuff at work, and we headed down for lunch.

Our lunch conversation consisted of chatter about BulgarianGuy's parents. Apparently they're in town visiting and can't stop complaining about everything. The whole meal had to be a quickie though because I had to head over to NYU Medical Center for some blood tests.

The nurse at the hospital was a fucking moron. She tied off one of my arms and tapped around for a while looking for a vein. When she thought she found one, she stuck the needle in, but nothing happened. She then proceeded to poke and prod my arm with the needle already inserted causing a sizeable amount of pain and discomfort.

"Ouch!" I kept crying.

"Sorry, hon. Let's try the other arm."

She pulled the needle out and tied off my other arm. Still, she couldn't find a vein. (I've never had this problem before, mind you.)

"Good thing I'm not an IV-drug user," I joked.

She gave me a funny look.

Finally she gave up on that arm too, and decided to stick the needle in the veins on the top of my hand. It hurt like hell. I was pissed and now I'm left with a bruised arm and a bruised hand.

Idiot.

I took the bus back up from the hospital (too hot to walk!) but before coming home decided to treat myself to a manicure/pedicure. It was fabulous, and I even threw in a 10 minute massage, but on my way out of the salon, my toes smudged. The ladies tried to fix it, but then my big-toe smudged again on my way home. It just wasn't my day!

Heading back to my apartment, I stopped to pick up some sushi for dinner. That made me think of Hammer. I texted her; she called me; and we ended up chatting on the phone for a while. It feels like forever since I've seen her. She may be in NY this weekend though, so that will be cool.

At around 7:30 I thought I might stop by Cheers to say hi to IrishBird whom I also haven't seen in quite a while. We had a nice time just chatting, and then I got a text from Bezoukhoff. He said he had a present for me, so I told him to stop by Cheers. When he arrived he had three books of Russian sheet music with him. He said that we could use the songs to help re-teach me Russian. t was very sweet! We went through one of the songs--the theme song for Schtirlitz, and he translated the whole thing with me. Before long, NextDoorNeighbor called and said that he was drunk and on his way home. I told him I was at Cheers with Bezoukhoff, and he arrived with gusto, happily planting kisses on everyone's cheeks. He insisted that we go outside to smoke. He was very hyper and tipsy.

(By the way, NextDoorNeighbor has a strange fear of chewing gum. Last night he insisted that I mention that here on my blog. Yes, he's a rather odd fellow! Also, he sent me an email this morning telling me that he dreamt that there was a black tie affair at Cheers and that he was their "customer of the year." He was there getting plastered and being really funny. NextDoorNeighbor thinks that BarMan doesn't like him, but in his dream, BarMan really liked him b/c he was actually spending money there. Funny, right?)

Anyway, just before NextDoorNeighbor had arrived, my phone rang. Who was it? That's right! It was Narc. He invited me to come join him for a drink or two. I told him that I was out with friends and wouldn't be able to meet him for at least an hour.

The hour passed quickly, and I urged the two boys to come back to my place with me so we could continue our "hang-out" while I got ready to see Narc. (I had to freshen up!). NextDoorNeighbor was still drunk and putting on a show. He called me a "fag-hag," to which I took offense. He tried to explain that it wasn't meant as an insult, but that he got that term from a Margaret Cho comedy routine and that it refers to a straight woman who has a little following of gay men. The only problem with this equation--NextDoorNeighbor and Bezoukhoff are not gay. The whole thing made no sense. Riding up in the elevator, we bumped into a woman who lives on the 11th floor. We asked her opinion on the matter, and I think she thought we were all crazy.

Back at my place, I shaved and re-did my makeup as fast as possible, changing my shirt and throwing a few items into an overnight bag. Then I was off to meet Narc.

We met at Yaffa--the same bar where we hung out on Friday. I must have arrived at around 11:30 and neither of us was too drunk, so we had good conversation, but there was something really awkward about the whole thing. There was no physical contact for a really long time, and a strange tension in the air. As the drinks flowed, though, things started to change. It was nice because I talked a lot about myself for once, and he actually seemed interested. I don't remember everything with the usual level of detail, but I'll try to recount a few key moments...

Of course, once we were drinking, the gloves came off, and the whole issue of our "relationship" or our "non-relationship" was raised yet again. Narc told me that he desperately needed to talk to someone--to call a friend a few weeks ago (for reasons I promised not to disclose), but that he had no one to call.

"Why didn't you call me?" I demanded. "You can always call me! Whether or not we're in a 'relationship,' whether it's now or 10 years from now," I said. "It's the same for everyone I've ever cared about--everyone I've loved. I would be there for you."

"I don't believe you," he said. "You don't really love me."

(This was so weird. It was the first time that I realized that Narc doesn't TRUST me!)

"I do love you," I said. "Why would you say otherwise?"

"Oh, you love me? If you love me, what was the name of the workshop I just went to last week?"

"Healing your deepest wound."

"Yeah, well, why did I start going to see my guru to begin with? What was the reason I gave when I first met her?"

"That you have trouble feeling things. That you don't think you experience life in a 'feeling' way."

(I answered both of his questions correctly, and that seemed to quiet him for the moment.)

He looked at me sadly.

"Hyde, I don't feel anything!" he insisted.

(I don't believe him, though).

"Narc, this isn't hard. Why are you testing me?"

"Because how do I know?" he asked. "How do I know that you haven't been sleeping with other people--that you're not sleeping with other people?"

(Meanwhile, if we're "not in a relationship," why CAN'T I be sleeping with other people? But whatever... There's no way I was going to say that.)

"Look, Narc.... The last time I slept with anyone else was in mid-April."

"What??? So you were sleeping with other people?"

"Hello??? I told you that! This isn't anything new! And it's not 'other people;' it's one other person, or rather it was one other person."

"I didn't know that," he said.

"Yes, you did. I told you about it. It was that guy that was at my place the night you came up in April." (You all know him as the Stallion!)

"You said you didn't sleep with him that night."

(Did I?)

"Well, I slept with him a few times in March and the beginning of April," I said. "All after we 'broke it off' at the end of February."

He looked at me suspiciously.

"Narc, I didn't do anything wrong. Let's go over this for a second... We got together last summer. I told you in November--on November 19th that I loved you. That's the day we met up at KGB and then fucked on your roof. I was dating SeattleGuy at the time and I asked you if I should split with him. You told me to 'do what I wanted to,' and that you weren't going to tell me what to do one way or the other. So I did. I decided to break it off with everyone else because I loved you. Then we had that series of emotional emails in early December. I wanted more, and you didn't. It all came crashing to a close when on December 18th, you sent me that text--Nothing more for us really."

"Yeah, I remember that," he said. "I was at Waikiki Wally's."

"Right, with your comedy-improv group."

(Inside, I smiled that he remembered that detail. If he remembered it that clearly, it couldn't have been meaningless to him at the time.)

"Anyway, we split, so I fucked one other guy in December right before New Year's. But after we started hanging out together in January, again, I didn't see anyone else except for you. Then my brother got in the accident and we split again, and this guy I knew from four years ago moved back to New York. So I started hanging out with him. Besides, if you recall, you told me you were dating someone else. You told me (around Easter time) that night that you called me drunk, that you 'just wanted to get me away from you.'"

"That's not how I put it," he said. "Besides, it was just a handful of dates with Russian Pop-Star Chick. Who is this guy you were with?"

(Wait, what??? So it wasn't even New-Girl after all??? Whatever... no time for that now.)

"I know I told you about him," I said. "We used to hook up years ago, but he has a girlfriend now. Anyway, I'm not really into him. I was trying to get over you."

"Wait, so you were 'the other woman?' That's too funny. It's fucking classic."

"Why?"

"Because I always said that I would never be with a woman who would settle for being 'the other woman.' Now you're just digging your own grave, Hyde."

"Narc, that's bullshit," I said. "Don't judge me and make it seem like I have no self-esteem just because I was with a guy who has a girlfriend. I was using him just as much to get over you, like I said. Besides, this is who I am. I'm being completely honest with you now, and if you don't like it, and if you don't like me, and if you want to set up all these standards that I'm suddenly not able to meet, that's your prerogative. But this is me. I'm not going to apologize for myself. Especially after what you put me through."

He didn't say anything, but I think he got the point.

Later one we got into a big debate about history--one which really annoyed me. He said that he thinks all of the blogs, and all of records that we leave behind are worthless.

"The only thing really worth anything, is if someone takes all of that 'stream of consciousness' crap and structures it into a narrative--processes it somehow--creates art."

"Maybe that has artistic or aesthetic value," I said, "but it's not the only thing that's valuable for the historian. For historians, it's all useful. Both the 'constructed narrative' and the raw material tell you different things about the past."

He completely disagreed with me. He said that it was "irresponsible" to "save everything."

"No," I said. "It's good. Let the historians in the future sort through it."

We went on fighting about this for a really long time, and it was really on my nerves. He doesn't understand what historians do, and he was claiming that the whole process is worthless.

"I'm not even going to comment on the fact that you just told me that my chosen profession is 'worthless,'" I said, "because I don't think you understand history."

"Of course I do!"

"What history books have you read recently?" I asked.

"Hello? My uncle is a famous historian!"

"So? That doesn't mean that you know anything about what historians do or what materials they find useful."

(Arghh! He is so fucking stubborn!)

A little while later, we were talking about having children. This was kind of a sensitive topic. He told me that he "knows" I want a child.

"But later in life, when you're ready for it," he said. "Not now."

"I don't know, Narc. Sometimes I have doubts..."

"Look," he said. "I know I was just giving you a hard time about the whole history thing, but you're brilliant at what you do. You have so far to go and I know you're going to achieve so much. Having a kid now would totally derail you. You don't want to do that."

That's the first time he's ever complimented me like that. It was really nice to hear that he thinks highly of me that way.

"I know what a big deal the decision to have kids is," he said. "I've been thinking about it a lot too. It's not nothing. I can't write it off." He took my hand. "It's a very big deal...even the possibility of it."

I felt really close to him at that moment.

Later on we got into another stupid philosophic fight. He told me that the only currency that matters is "time." I told him that I think it's "love." (This was clearly a discussion that made much more sense while drunk.)

"Let's get an impartial arbitrator!" he insisted. He called a woman over to us so he could pose the problem to her.

"Are you guys together?" she asked, trying to get a sense of the situation.

"No, we're not in a 'relationship,'" I told her, looking at Narc pointedly.

"So how do you know each other?"

Narc decided to field that question.

"Basically, I met her a year ago and we've had a couple of one night stands," he said.

"What???" I looked at him in shock. "That's how you would put it to a stranger?"

"Why? Do you love him?" she asked me.

"He knows that I do, and this is bullshit," I said. "Narc, I can't fucking believe you just said that! You are fucking unbelievable! I can't even deal with this..."

I got up and went to the ladies room. I stared at myself in the mirror and splashed water on my cheeks, trying to avoid my eyes to keep my mascara from running. When I went back upstairs, Narc was nowhere to be seen.

"Did he leave?" I asked the woman. (God, I didn't want a repeat of Monday!)

"No, he went outside for a smoke."

"But he doesn't have any cigarettes left!"

"I gave him one."

"Oh."

I went outside to find him.

"Narc, I really can't believe you," I said.

"What? It's true..."

"It's not true. I am not a 'couple of one night stands,' and at this point, I think it's pretty disgusting that you would put it that way to a stranger right in front of me! I'm sorry, but that really hurt my feelings."

"I don't understand why you're being so dramatic," he said.

"Oh, so now this is me making drama? I don't think so. This is me responding 'rationally' to something hurtful that you just said. You fucking hurt my feelings."

He looked at me sheepishly. He knows that it's more than a one night stand. I totally think he was testing me. It pissed me off though. I just can't deal with that shit right now. Too much else is going on.

But now I was on a roll.

"I don't know why you try to write me out of your life completely," I said. "why it is that you treat me like I'm non-existent when you and I both know there's a lot more going on here than that."

I pointed out to him what he had done in his blog.

"What did you want me to write about?" he asked. "Something really personal that's going on between me and you? I wrote about stuff that doesn't mean anything."

His response made me feel a little better. I decided to drop it because I didn't want to fight. The important point is that I didn't swallow all of my hurt feelings, but that I got them off my chest. I feel like in the beginning of this relationship I didn't demand enough respect from him, and so I didn't get it. I just can't do that anymore.

Anyway, after all that, things got softer again, and we ended up kissing for a while in the bar. It was nice. We were both drunk, but he was much worse than I was. He was crazy wasted. To give you guys a sense of it--our bar tab (for just the two of us) came to $174.00 (at about $6 a drink, you do the math!)

Leaving the bar, Narc was hardly able to walk, but he kept insisting that he wanted cigarettes. We stayed about half an hour after last call ('til around 4:30 am) and then I tried to lead him to the 24-hour grocery store across the street for the smokes. He was stumbling, and I had to hold his hand tightly to keep him from falling as I led the way. After we managed to buy the cigarettes (with miminal difficulty) and I went to the ATM, I tried to lead him in the direction of his apartment. I wasn't totally sure of where we were.

On the way home, we passed a sidewalk bench. Narc wanted to sit down. I agreed. Sitting on the bench, he started kissing me again, and pulled down my shirt at the neckline. He pulled off my bra and I was exposed right there in the middle of the street, but at least there was no one around. We stayed there for a while, making out half-undressed, until finally caution got the best of me, and I convinced him to let us continue on towards his apartment.

Back at his place the sex was amazing--neither of us had any inhibitions at all. Yay! It was wild and reminded me of why I got addicted to him to begin with. I was a happy girl. We probably crashed to sleep at around 5:30.

At 8:45 this morning my cell phone alarm went off. Narc was snoring like a bear. I had to set my alarm because I had promised to call B and had to go buy a phone card. I told Narc I would be back in an hour and kissed him goodbye. I went out, bought some water and a bagel along with the phone card, and chatted with B from the plaza in front of Narc's building.

After the phone call, I went back upstairs and climbed back into bed, falling asleep for another few hours. Narc woke up a little and we screwed around a bit, but then he fell back asleep. By 1:00 in the afternoon, I just couldn't lay in bed anymore, so I kissed him goodbye and told him I'd see him later. (He's supposed to stay over here tonight, for reasons I don't' want to go into, but he said that he'd call me when he wakes up).

So, now I'm home. Time to shower and clean my house a bit. I think I'll cook something for dinner tonight.

But more importantly, I had fun being out late last night. I haven't done it in a while, and I never thought I would have been able to, given all the exhaustion I've been suffering lately, but I'm glad. I feel like my old self again!

Hope you're all welll!

-hyde-