Getting Weary

I feel like a lifetime has passed since I wrote that "In Love with Love" entry. I can't believe how much has gone down. I think I went too long without blogging; After all, I'm woefully unable to remember the play by play drama of Thursday night and Friday. To make matters worse, my sleep schedule is all fucked up, my brain is muddled and I'm racked with exhaustion. That's not going to make it any easier to reconstruct this narrative. So, what to do? I think I'll divide my story into three parts: the first will address Thursday and Friday, in the second I'll cover the weekend, and finally, in the third I'll go from Sunday night through today. Otherwise, I'm telling you--this thing would get crazy long. (I know I'm already infamous for long posts, so I'm going to try to spare you.)

I left you guys off on Wednesday night. I was getting ready to get dinner and meet my friend NV for drinks at Cheers at around 11:00. At about 8:00 I got a call from Narc. I was psyched because I still was afraid he was mad at me for messing up that computer appointment. He said he wasn't mad and asked what I was up to.

"Nothing much right now," I said. "Just eating dinner and then meeting a friend in a few hours. What about you?"

"Well, it's Bloomsday today," he said. "I wanted to meet my friends at Dublin, but they're all flaking out on me."

"That's too bad." (So, what? Am I his last choice? Good for when his other friends are unavailable? Calm down with your insecurities, Hyde...)

"Do you want to get a drink?" he asked.

"Well, like I said, I'm meeting my friend later."

"I'm kind of not far from you now," he said.

"Oh, well, okay... Sure, if you want, just let me know when you're around."

At about 9:00 he texted me:
At Cheers.

He was clingy! I was really happy. It seemed as if our "non-relationship" was finally turning into something more significant, or rather, that he was letting it happen.

I had been watching Will & Grace with NDN, but he had to make some phone calls, so we parted ways and I headed out to meet Narc. It was a karaoke night at Cheers. Narc texted his "friend," PopStarChick that he was at karaoke and was "thinking of her." I thought it was strange, because he told me that he had been on a handful of dates with her, and I know he had just seen her the previous evening for Batman Begins. I tried not to be jealous though. I know I can get that way.

"Whatever..." I told myself.

Narc and I had a good time hanging out until NV arrived, and when NV got there, he and Narc seemed to get along fine. All three of us were getting wasted and having a blast with the karaoke. I tried singing some new songs--faster pop stuff. I was nervous because it's not really my genre.

"What's the big deal?" Narc asked. "Who do you have to impress here?"

"Um....hello? You!" I said.

It was okay. I sang the songs well anyway. When I got back to the bar, Narc looked proud of me.

"I thought you said you couldn't sing pop!" he said.

As the night wore on, the three of us got increasingly drunk. Narc and NV got up and sang the Backstreet Boys, that's how bad it got! Narc was being more and more physically close with me. On the other hand, he continued to send texts to that other girl. It was upsetting me despite myself. I saw in one of them, he said to her "wish you were here."

Did he really wish she were there? What did that mean?

NV took off at around 1:00 am. As Narc and I were drunk and left alone, the conversation turned (of course!) to the topic of our relationship. I asked Narc whether or not we were "together," and if not, why not. I told him that I thought he had been with "New-Girl," (who from here on in I'm going to call the "Exhibitionist" for obvious reasons). Narc just laughed and said that he wasn't ever with the Exhibitionist, but that he had dated PopStarChick in March and April. He thought it was cute that I was jealous. I didn't.

"Isn't that the girl you've been texting tonight?"

"Yeah, I just thought she'd think it's funny we're at karaoke because she's a singer."

"I don't get you, Narc," I said. "I just don't get why you won't let things solidify with us."

"Do you really want to know?" he asked. "Do you really want to know why?"

"Yes!" I insisted. (The way he said that though, I braced myself for what was coming.)

"Just look at you," he said. "How can you not see it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you think I'm acutely aware that your dad died so young?"

What???

"So?"

"So? You're body is full of negative energy, sickness... it's all over you."

"What are you talking about, Narc? You're judging me by my dad?"

"No. I'm judging you by you. You can't hide it, Hyde."

It felt like he was punching me in the stomach. I was drunk and kind of numb and don't remember exactly how the covnersation went after that. I just remember thinking how unfair it was that he was assessing my character by things over which I have no control. Then somehow (and this is not surprising), our talk turned to the issue of parenthood. Narc told me again, that he didn't think I would be a good mother. Why? Because of of that "sickness" he thinks is so evident in me.

"You have no fucking clue what kind of mother I'd be," I told him. "And how dare you judge me by my dad. That's not me."

"But it is."

"Shut up," I said. "Shut up and fuck you! I don't EVER want to hear another word about my dad come out of your mouth. EVER!"

He didn't say anything.

"You think you know me better than I know myself? You think you're so fucking omniscent? You're a condescending asshole is what you are. And you don't know shit about me."

"Of course I do," he said calmly. (He can be so fucking smug and arrogant!)

"How dare you judge me when you've never even taken two seconds to get to know me!" I said.

"I do know you, Hyde."

"Bullshit. This conversation is over. Leave me the fuck alone."

I started to sulk and refused to look at him after that. I just started ordering shots. Narc pretended that everything was okay. IrishBird was looking at us funny, so I passed her a note telling her that I was furious at him. She rolled her eyes at Narc to show me solidarity.

A little while later, Narc and I got called up for karaoke. He had put in for us Voices Carry. There's no way I wanted to sing with him at that point. I signaled ThursdayGirl to skip us and to go to the next song. That happened a few more times. Finally, Narc grabbed my hand and dragged me up to the stage. I was still sulking. I hardly sang. I was too drunk to figure out how the song went anyway. Narc was much more drunk than I was. Maybe he was even too drunk to notice my pouting. He was swaying back and forth and was barely himself at that point.

After the song, the two of us continued to drink, and things were just bad in general. (Again, by the end of the night, our tab was around $160.00). At about 2:30 am, we were the only ones left there. It was clear that BarMan, IrishBird and ThursdayGirl wanted to head home, but Narc just wouldn't finish up and leave. He was talking to ThursdayGirl about something, slurring his words. She looked uncomfortable. I'm not totally sure what was going on because I was a good 10 feet away. But at one point, I saw Narc grab her arm (to emphasize his point or something), and BarMan jumped to his feet.

"Whoa...hold on there!" he said.

"Yeah, don't touch me," ThursdayGirl shook Narc off of her.

Remembering that they all think that Narc is physically violent, I didn't want any kind of a scene. I rushed over there to handle the situation.

"C'mon, Narc, let's just go," I said.

"No!" he insisted. "No! We were having a discussion here. And besides, I have to finish my drink."

"Forget the drinks, let's just go home."

"Not yet."

"C'mon! There's nothing left here, we can have fun at home."

"I want to finish."

"Don't bother... I've got JackDaniels at home," I said. "Seriously--Jack Daniels, cocaine and sex-- what else could you want? C'mon!"

IrishBird, BarMan and ThursdayGirl looked visibly concerned with the mention of coke, but I didn't care. I just wanted to find a way to get Narc out the door before anything bad happened. I managed to convince him; I paid bill, took his hand, and led him to the door.

Once outside the bar, he wanted to smoke a cigarette, complaining that we had been kicked out.

"Oh, they're always like that when it gets late," I said, trying to smooth it over. "They just want to get home...it's the end of the night."

I sent BarMan a text:
Sorry. Tell ThursdayGirl too.

After his cigarette, Narc and I started fighting again. As always, we found ourselves back on the "relationship" issue. I really don't want to go into it, but he was saying mean things to me... I mean, telling me all sorts of things that are wrong with me, and blaming me for why we can't be together. I started to cry and told him to leave me alone.

"Just stop it, Narc. Stop it. I already feel badly enough with what went down last week. I'm still trying to cope with all that, and I just can't deal with this right now. Just stop attacking me."

"Whatever, Hyde. I just don't understand how that is still such a big deal to you. It's over and it doesn't matter."

"It does matter and it is a big deal to me. You have no fucking idea how I feel about it... even right now." I started to cry even harder.

I felt like my brain was unravelling. I felt like I was falling into an enormous black hole, and I could see Narc there, close but far away, just standing there watching me fall. I couldn't calm myself down. I couldn't breathe underneath the weight of all of my guilt and self-hatred. So many things were flooding my head--old and new, from this fight with Narc to my oldest wounds.

We were back in my apartment. I was standing in the doorway to my kitchen. I pushed him aside and ran into the bathroom, falling onto the toilet seat to sob. I couldn't calm myself down. I scratched my arm and leg in four different places until I was bleeding--especially on my thigh. When I came out of the bathroom, Narc saw all of the blood. He was furious with me. He grabbed my arms really hard.

"I thought I told you that you were NEVER to do that again!"

(It's true. Once, last summer, only the second month after we met, Narc saw an old scar or two and pressed me about it. That day he stared me in the eye in his controlling kind of way and said to me, "It's finished. You are never going to do that again, do you understand me?" At the time, I said "okay," and really meant it. It was one of those things.)

But back to Thursday night-- when he grabbed my arms, I tried to wrestle away from him. I was still crying. Honestly, you guys, this whole thing is a blur because I really was drunk, and very upset, but we ended up struggling and getting into some kind of physical fight. I'm not sure how it happened, but in the end, I was collapsed on the floor of my hallway, and my right eye was scratched up and a little bruised. He was on the floor too. We had fought each other to the ground. Even though I had fought pretty hard, I'm not sure if he was hurt or not. I was just crying, and then it's like something switched on in him. He pulled me in so close and hugged me and kissed me.

"I'm so sorry my darling," he said. "I know how hard this has all been for you. I'm so sorry for all of it."

I just cried and then we started kissing for real. I felt so close to him, and like we're both just fucking crazy people who at least can accept each other's craziness. (I wasn't going to blog about all this, because I'm sure you all think I'm REALLY crazy now, but whatever... I have nothing to hide.)

"Let's get up and do some coke," I said.

He agreed. I poured him a glass of whiskey and went to get the stuff from my bedroom. This part of the night, again, is still a blur to me. I know we did coke for a while and then we went and "tried" to have sex for an hour or two, but the drugs made it difficult. In the middle of things, (and while he was on top of me), Narc told me that he doesn't want me to be with anyone else.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, I want you to be mine...all mine. All for me. I just don't want you with anyone else."

"I haven't been," I said, "except in March and April, which I told you about. I've always been completely honest with you."

"I know that you have," he told me, "but I hate that you did that anyway. I hate to think that."

"That's not fair, though, Narc," I said. "You know that I would have committed to you in a second. You're the one who doesn't want a relationship.

"Do you really think that?" he asked.

"Yes."

"But you know that that's not true. How can you really think that? How can you not see all that I've wanted? I do want to be with you Hyde. I just can't say the 'c-word,'"

(I didn't ask him what that meant, but I'm pretty sure it's "committment." Typical.)

Then, for a while longer, he just told me that he loves me over and over again.

After a while, we moved back into the kitchen for some more "medicine." We were up for hours on end. The clock ticked by...5:00 am, 6:00 am, 7:00 am... We talked about anything and everything. It was an intensely personal conversation. I told him things that I've rarely told anyone else. He was so sweet and supportive. He told me that I should never be disappointed with myself and that I'm an amazing girl. He told me a lot of intimate things about himself as well.

"Why don't you trust anyone, Narc?" I asked.

"Because I just can't."

At one point he started crying. I was shocked. I've never seen him cry before. He was sitting at the barstool at my kitchen counter. I walked around to be nearer to him.

"I want to hug you," I said.

I was standing up and he was sitting down. I pulled him in against my breasts. I wanted him to know that he was loved right then. He just clung to me for a few minutes and cried.

"Promise me you're not going to turn out to be a robot," he said.

I wasn't sure what he meant.

"I won't hurt you, Narc," I said. "I can't promise that this will all work out between us, but I can prmoise that I'll never betray you or treat you poorly. I really do want you to be happy."

That moment brought the two of us closer than ever. But it was strange--it was a sort of twilight zone moment, made more surreal by the drugs and the fact that neither of us had any sense of what time it was.

After a while, I started to feel myself coming down. I was worried.

"I fucking hate the come downs," I said. "I seem to get them worse and worse."

"Don't worry," he told me. "I'll stay with you."

We moved into the living room, and Narc noticed my guitar leaning in the corner. He wanted to teach me some guitar chords.

"I don't know Narc," I said. "I'm not really feeling well."

"No, it'll be cool," he insisted.

He told me sit on the piano bench with my back to him. He sat behind me, placing his arms around me with the guitar in front of me. Then he reached around to position my fingers on the different chords. We were both naked, and I felt a little weird. What was going on? Narc kept looking at me with the most intense and loving looks I can imagine. I swear, you guys, I've never seen him like that. It's like, he had only one thought, and that was of me. There was a strange calm and focus, and for one moment, his walls were totally down and he was happy. It was disconcerting and something inside me knew that it couldn't last.

While we were holding the guitar, Narc looked down and noticed the blood all over my leg.

"What the fuck happened?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Your leg!"

"God, Narc! Don't you remember? It was just last night...I mean, this morning!"

"I don't remember that."

"Well, you were there," I said. "But let's just drop it now, okay? It doesn't matter any more at this point."

"But it does..."

"Narc, drop it."

A little while later, I told him that I had to get into bed. I just needed to ride out the drugs. I think it was around noon, and neither of us had slept at all yet. He got into bed with me, and pulled me so tightly underneath him that I couldn't breathe.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he said. "I want to know everything that you're thinking.

"Like what?"

"Just talk. I just want to listen to your voice...your thoughts. I'm here for you always," he said.

I got the feeling that he was playing out some sort of romantic script of his own. It was strange and I wasn't sure what to say.

"I don't know, Narc... um... well... Are you ever sorry that you met me?"

(I mean, I've often been sorry that I met him. He's just complicated things so much for me, and for what? I wanted to know if he felt the same way.)

"What?!? That's the most stupid quesiton I've ever heard!" he said. "Hyde! How can you ask that? Of COURSE I'm not sorry that I met you. I love that I met you. Hyde, you make me happy. You do. You make me so very, very happy. You can't know how happy..."

He pulled me closer. I was thrilled, but it was all mixed up with the bad feelings of coming down. I only wished that I could fall asleep and that when I awoke I would feel okay. It was hard to sleep though, all wired up and with the mid-afternoon sun streaming in through the windows.

"Do you remember the day we met?" I asked.

"Of course," he said.

I told him what I had been doing earlier that day before I met him. I think it totally reframed things for him (I'll tell you guys all that story another time).

"I remember EVERYTHING about the first time we had sex," he said.

He really did. He remembered a lot more than I did. It surpirsed me. He remembered so many specific little things that I said and that I did. I thought it was sweet, and I really felt connected to him laying there. It's strange that we already have memories together that are a year old!

Finally, Narc fell asleep. He started to snore, and I lay there unsure of what to do. I felt like shit, but there was no way my body would let me sleep. It was about 1:30. I got out of bed and decided to cross the street to the deli for some water and food. I wasn't hungry, but I thought it might make me feel better.

At the deli, I bought two bottles of gatorade, two bottles of smart-water and two bagels. I left Narc's stuff next to him at the bedside, and went to lay down in the living room with the Daytime Soaps. I watched TV for a few hours, drifting off to sleep around 3:00, but only for a 1/2 hour or so. When I woke up, I showered and dried my hair until around 4:30 when Narc emerged from the bedroom.

Although only a few hours had passed from our "bonding" experience, the spell that was over us had been broken, and things felt a little awkward. Nevertheless, Narc settled in on the living room couch with me, and we screwed around for the rest of the afternoon, watching TV and having sex. At 8:00 I had plans to go to an "all you can eat/all you can drink" sushi-dinner hosted by NDN, so I asked Narc if he wanted to come along. He agreed, and when the time came, we set off for the restaurant.

It was a strange crowd that NDN brought together for this event. He invited me and my neighbor on the other side (I need a code-name for him. Any suggestions, NDN?). NDN's friend Oc was there (he'll be staying with NDN for a little while). And then there was some girl who NDN met in the elevator of our building along with three of her friends. The dinner was a lot of fun, but again, it was strange to be there with Narc socializing with my crowd. I must add that NDN packed away quite an impressive amount of sushi. Neither Narc nor I could eat that much because of all the "medicine" we had taken, but we managed to drink our fair share.

Towards the end of the dinner I leaned over and asked him if he remembered what we had talked about the night before.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "We talked about a lot of things."

"Well, just in general, Narc. Do you remember what we talked about in general?"

At this point, we had gotten up, and everyone was leaving the restaurant.

"Well, you can't just ask me about 'in general,'" he said. "What are you talking about specifically?"

Of course, you guys know that I was talking about how he said he loves me over and over, how he said that he wants a relationship, but was scared about it, how he said he doesn't want me to be with anyone else, how he said I make him happy, etc.

"Don't make me say it, Narc," I said. "You know what I mean."

"Well, like I said," he began, "a lot of things were said last night. We were both drunk and high."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked. "Are you saying that I should discount whatever you said because you were drunk and high?"

"Well, yeah..."

"Narc, you have to be joking me."

He stiffened up and looked at me coldly.

"Well, I'm not."

What the fuck?!?!?

This conversation took place on our walk home. NDN, Oc, our other neighbor and I were all going back to NDN's place for some mate and booze. I asked Narc if he wanted to come along, but he said he had to go home and get some sleep because he had to wake up super early the next morning for some hangliding day-trip. We parted ways back at my building. I was upset and still kind of reeling from everything.

Back at NDN's place, we did citron shots, smoked the water pipe and drank mate. I was getting drunk (as was everyone else), and I accidentally tipped the water pipe spilling coals on the floor. We had a lot of fun though. Everyone was laughing, and Oc was making a video of the whole thing. After a while there, our other neighbor wanted to go to McFadden's because a friend of his was bartending there. I went into the bathroom and did two enormous lines. On the way out to McFadden's, everyone stopped at my apartment and I sang two songs for them. Then we were off.

NDN and I set one foot into McFadden's and decided that it was way too crowded to stay. Our other neighbor and Oc had already disappeaered into the crowd, so we turned around and headed halfway up the block, parking ourselves on two of the enormous cement planters outside Dunkin' Donuts. I was wearing dark sunglasses, and NDN took off his shoes. (After all, one of my eyes was scratched up, and both were dialted from the medicine.) We had a great time just hanging out there. NDN and I started to play a game--for everyone that walked by, male or female, we gave a "yes" or a "no" as to whether or not we'd have sex with them. I felt a little guilty judging people like that, but it was a lot of fun and it brought a lot of laughter.

At about 1:30 am or 2:00, we decided to head home. Just then, Oc came out of McFadden's. He was pretty wasted. The three of us walked back towards our building but I said that I wanted to stop in over at Cheers. Oc said that he'd come with me, and NDN made me promise to get his friend home okay (as he was a lot more drunk than I was). Oc and I went into the bar, each ordering a drink, but Oc couldn't drink his. He was too far gone, so I told him that I'd take him home in a few minutes, which I did. Then I headed back out to Cheers.

Once there, I ended up talking to one of the Colombian bartenders. He told me it was his birthday the next night, so I made a mental note to bring him a present. I still had my sunglasses on and everyone wanted to know why. I didn't think the scratch/bruise was that bad, so I took them off, rather than get more attention for it, but IrishBird noticed the mark and got really upset. I think they also saw the scratches on my arm. BarMan came over with concern and informed me that Narc is no longer welcome at Cheers. I was upset. I tried to tell them (again!) that it's not what they thought, and that it's unfair of them to tell me who I can and can't bring there, but it wasn't much use. BarMan brought up the text I sent him the night before.

"Look, Hyde--Don't ever apoligize for somebody else's behavior!" he said. "You don't ever have to do that."

"I just felt embarassed," I said. "I didn't want him to bother you guys."

"You're a great girl, Hyde," he said. "You need to stop putting yourself through this kind of bullshit."

I stayed there until 5:00 am. I felt pretty awful. They all think my life is a fucking mess, and maybe they're right. I mean, there I was there, drunk and alone at 5:00 am with scratches on my arm, looking half beaten up, and for what? Narc had totally taken back everythign good that had come out of the ngiht before!

I am such a loser.

Anyway, I got back to my place just after 5:00 am. NDN, Oc and I had a plan to go to Connecticut early the next day, so I sent NDN a text:

Just getting home. How the fuck r u guys gonna get me up???

(Remember--I hadn't slept at all the night before either.)

Anyway, that's my Thursday and Friday. As for Saturday, Sunday, Monday and today, I'll get to that in the next few posts. This one has taken a lot out of me and besides, I've got to go get some lunch...

-hyde