Forging Ahead

First of all, I wanted to thank all of you guys for your advice and your support through this whole rocky relationship I have with Narc. I'm sure it must be endlessly frustrating to see me engaging with him when he acts like a jerk, but really--he's not as bad as I sometimes make him out to be. I wish I could explain what it is that makes me care so much about him, but I can't. So I guess I have to ask you all to continue to give me (and him?) the benefit of the doubt. He drives me crazy too, though. And maybe you're all right, and I'm wrong. Who the fuck knows anymore...

Anyway, the recent drama that Narc and I have been grappling with is resolved. Over. Finished. The end! The issue is no more. I know I'm being vague, and some of you know what I'm talking about, while some of you don't. I'm just going to leave it at that.

Yesterday, after returning from Narc's place, I spent a few hours cleaning my house in anticipation of his arrival. He's a neat freak and I'm a total slob, so while I'll never get my house in the condition of his, I didn't want to appall him with my clutter either. After that, I went out to buy groceries. As I approached the corner I saw BarMan making a phone call just outside the entrance to Cheers.

"Hey! What's up?"

"Hey, Hyde! You gonna come party with us later?"

"Do I look it?" I asked. "I don't think so."

I was in cotton athletic pants, flip-flops and a dirty t-shirt. It was so fucking hot out that my t-shirt was sticking to my chest and my hair was curling around the nape of my neck. As I marched on over to the market, Narc called and said that he would be by in half an hour or so, and I asked him if I could pick up anything special for him.

"Diet coke and chocolate Ben & Jerry's," came the reply.

As for myself, I loaded up on summer fruit, eggs and the supplies to make dinner. After shopping, I came home and started to cook. At around 8:00 I noticed that I had a missed call from Narc.

"Not sure why you're not picking up," he said. "But I've stopped off at Cheers for a pint until you're back home."

I felt really strange that Narc was sitting there at my bar. I called him back right away.

"Why don't you come down and join me for one?" he asked.

"Is IrishBird on duty?"

"Yeah, she just said 'hi' to me."

"Okay. I'll be right there."

Narc and I sat at the bar for a while. He downed three or four pints of beer, and I had diet cokes (plus two chardonnays) while we gossiped with IrishBird. Her sister was sitting at the other end of the bar--a sister I've never met, but heard much about. I dashed over there to meet her. It was cool. I reintroduced Narc to BarMan (they had met on Valentine's Day) and pointed out various characters that I knew around the bar. Narc couldn't believe how many people I knew. I liked it. I was glad for him to see that I have a lot of friends and my own little community apart from him. Especially because he's such a loner...

Anyway, after we had been there for a while, NextDoorNeighbor dropped by. I had told him I was going to be with Narc and I knew he'd want a chance to finally meet him. Again, I think Narc was a little jealous of how many friends I have in my little neighborhood. NextDoorNeighbor only stayed for a few minutes (I still have to talk to him to get his impressions) and then it was back to just me and Narc.

I might have mentioned that Cheers has a new thing--they're running karaoke on Thursday nights now too. (There's also a new girl hosting. I'll call her ThursdayGirl. She is a Cheers regular, so we know each other by name and sight even though we were never really friends). When Narc caught on that it was a karaoke night, he said he wanted to stay for a while.

"But I have dinner half made," I said, "and I'm starving."

"Just for a little while," he insisted. "I've never heard you sing!"

I asked ThursdayGirl what time they were starting. She told me at 10:00.

"Can you put me up right away?" I asked. "I really want to sing, but I can't stay."

"No problem!"

I was hesitant to sing because I looked so god-awful, and didn't want to draw attention to myself. On the other hand, I knew I was sober, so I'd sound good, and I really did want to impress him.

While I was singing I could see Narc's face. He was quite impressed. I felt crazy shy, but was also really proud of myself. It was a nice moment. When I finished, I knew I had blown him away. He touched me on the shoulder, and his face was kind of lit up, but he didn't know what to say. Sometimes we get so uncomfortable with each other--as if we've just met!

"Nice job..." was all that he said. (His face said more though).

Narc told me that he wanted to sing a duet.

"Okay," I said. "Put up anything you want, but after that, I have to eat." (It was getting late).

Narc put on the Cyndi Lauper song, "Time After Time." First of all, it was so weird to be singing with Narc. He has a nice voice, but is not really a singer, and I could tell that he was singing softly so not to be heard as loud as I was. He kept looking at me while we were singing, but again, I felt embarassed, so I kept looking up at the words on the screen. I felt flushed and like my worlds were colliding--like I was in some crazy fucked up twilight zone. Now Narc has hung out with Hammer and the Wizard and had a glimpse of my life at the bar and around the neighborhood. WEIRD!!! I think it only makes him think better of me though.

We returned to my place at around 10:45 and I finished making dinner before serving it up to Narc with his ice cream for dessert. He had brought over a few DVD's (including "Swingers" and "Cinema Paradiso" (which is the only movie that ever made him cry!)) but we decided we didn't have time for a whole movie, so we watched some comedy routine on DVD instead. It was pretty entertaining. I jumped in the shower, and after my shower we screwed around for a while, but I wanted to go to bed early, as I knew we had to wake up really early the next day. We were in bed and asleep by 1:00.

Today, Narc came with me and was very sweet and supportive as I had to take care of some difficult business. He stayed with me until about 1:00 in the afternoon when he had to leave for an appointment. He has a bunch of friends coming in from out of town tonight for some wedding, so he'll be busy with them through most of the weekend, but I'm okay with that. When he left, he gave me a big hug and a kiss.

"We made it through," he said.

I thought it was sweet. I felt good about him at that moment. I'm actually feeling remarkably okay about everything right now. A little physically wiped out, but okay. I feel relieved and like in another day or two, my mind will be clear enough to forge ahead... I don't know what's going to happen with us, or to me. But I need to collect myself and refocus on my work. Move on, and get on with things, heading wherever the road will take me!

(As for this afternoon, I've gotta go... It's time for Dr. Phil!)