Cheering Up, Charlie!

I've cheered up! I'm so much more cheerful today than I've been all week. I really think it's because I feel more grounded since I've seen Narc. We met up on Friday night. But before I get to that, I have to tell you all about my Friday evening adventure with NextDoorNeighbor.

Friday night was a rainy night, and not at all amenable for our planned visit to South Street Seaport. I had wasted most of the day Friday watching TV and catching up on sleep. I guess I needed it after the crushing amount of work I've had with the end of the semester and all of the emotional stress that I've been under. At around 5:00 NextDoorNeighbor rang my bell.

"It's raining," he reported. "So South Street Seaport is out. But I have an even better idea!"

"What's that?" I stood leaning in the frame of my doorway.

"Well, before I tell you, this is a 'black-haired Hyde' proposition. It's for the risk-taker in you."

"Ok... I'm game. What is it?" I asked.

NextDoorNeighbor had a sneaky look on his face.

"Well, I was thinking... Why don't we get all dressed up and then go over to try to crash a banquet or a dinner or a cocktail hour at the Waldorf?"

"What? You want to crash a party at the Waldorf?!?!"

"Yeah! It'll be fun!"

Now, I know that I may seem like the "risk-taking" type, but there is strong streak in me that chickens out in situations like that. It's my "Dr. Jekyll"--the girl who never cut a class in high school, and would be loathe to sneak into an R-rated movie before turning 17. Nevertheless, I could use a little adventure, and the prospect of a free dinner was too much to resist. I agreed.

Forty minutes later or so, NextDoorNeighbor rang my bell. He donned a jacket and tie and I wore a black and white beaded dress with high-heels. We set out under a shared umbrella for Park Avenue.

Once at the Waldorf, we checked out the lobby screens to see what was going on that night. There was an "Academy of Achievement" Awards dinner in the Starlight room and a sweet sixteen party in the Louis XVI room. Those two seemed like our best bets. We decided to go for the awards dinner first. We went up to the Starlight room about an hour before the dinner was set to start. The floor was flooded with security. NextDoorNeighbor asked them what time the dinner began, acting as if we belonged there. I was embarassed and lingered near the elevators. The security guard asked him if he had his "credentials."

"Of course," NextDoorNeighbor replied with confidence. "We just wanted to know what time to be back up here."

"7:15," came the reply.

We thanked them and exited into the elevators where after a brief conference, we agreed that security was much too tight. (I later looked up the Academy of Achievement and saw that they give those awards to heads of state, Nobel prize winners and the like.)

Back in the lobby, we surveyed the events schedule again. A hotel worker came up and asked us if we needed help. We were both nervous, although unnecessarily so. NextDoorNeighbor told her that we were guests for a sweet sixteen and that we needed directions to the Louis XVI room. She pointed the way. Like the awards dinner, the sweet sixteen party had not yet begun. It was a beautiful venue, but much too intimate for us to go unnoticed. It looked like our night at the Waldorf was a strike-out.

"Why don't we try the Hilton?" NextDoorNeighbor suggested. "It's huge, and they probably have a million events. We probably have a much better chance of getting into something there."

"Okay," I said. "But if that doesn't work, let's give up. I'm hungry, my feet hurt, and I want to get dinner soon."

"Agreed."

We taxied over to the Hilton on 6th avenue and checked out the events board there. There wasn't much going on--a Caribbean ball of some kind and an NAACP dinner. We decided to check that out first. When we got off the elevators, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. We were the only two white people in sight and everyone heading into the party looked middle aged. On top of that, they were checking names off of an invite list at the entrance.

"Um, NextDoorNeighbor, I don't think this is going to work. I don't think this is such a good idea."

"Oh, c'mon!" He strolled confidently ahead.

"No, I don't want to go."

I took out my cell phone and pretended to make a call, as he approached the "guards" at the door. He was half waiting for me and coaxing me to join him, and half moving towards the entrance. I didn't want to get caught. I felt like a little kid breaking the rules.

Just then, a crowd of people came out of the elevator. They all approached the entrance at once, and the name-checkers weren't able to keep up. NextDoorNeighbor strolled through along with the crowd and I quickly followed. Jackpot!

Once inside the door, we partook of the open bar and the huge buffet. They had all kinds of sushi, pasta, fried hor d'oevres, fruits and vegetables, cheese, crackers and breads. It was quite a spread! We had a great time. We parked ourselves at a table in the back of the room. At first we were sitting alone, but before long, others joined us. NextDoorNeighbor had a whole elaborate scenario worked out. He wanted to pretend that he worked for "Vivid"--the porn company. He introduced us to an elderly woman at the table and asked her to take our picture. He told her my name was "Jen" (which it's not). It was funny.

NextDoorNeighbor started talking about his "film shoot" in LA. He asked me how my acting classes were going. I guess in this scenario I was supposed to be some kind of aspiring "adult industry" entertainer. We only talked to each other about it, but I'm sure the others overheard us at least a little, and I wonder what they thought. We were being such dumb-asses, but it was so much fun. Like I said--we had a great time.

After thoroughly stuffing ourselves at the cocktail hour, we decided not to stay for the dinner. Instead, we headed back out into the rain to catch a cab back to our building. A friend of NextDoorNeighbor's gave us a call and invited us to meet him for drinks in Midtown at 9:30. All I wanted to do was get out of my heels. I agreed to the plan for later, and we both retired to our respective apartments.

After about an hour of downtime at home, I started to feel really tired again. (Remember, I've been hyper-fatigued for the past week or so.) I knew that Narc was expected back from Florida and I was worried about whether or not he'd call me. I started to feel like I didn't really want to go out again. I rang NextDoorNeighbor's bell and told him so. Then I changed into my pajamas and prepared for a cozy night at home.

At about 9:00 I saw that I had missed a call on my cell phone from Narc. He left a message. He said he was back from Florida and that was downtown reading and drinking martinis, if I wanted to join him. I was dying to see him, so I called him back right away and told him I wanted to meet him.

"I can't stay out late tonight, though, Narc," I told him. "I'm really tired."

"Yeah, me too... Especially after traveling today. I'm just out for a drink or two."

"Okay."

I threw some makeup and a clean pair of underwear into my bag and was off. The cabbie who picked me up started a conversation. We chatted the whole way down to Tribeca, and in the end he asked me for my phone number. I was tired and really nervous about seeing Narc; I had very little resistance, so I gave it to him. I really hope that he doesn't call. I should have given him a fake number, but whatever...

When I finally got to Narc's spot, I felt flooded by a whole mix of feelings--too complicated for me to sort through right now. I took a deep breath and went in to see him. It was strange. We didn't talk about what I thought we would. Instead, we talked about the book he was reading. Then he started telling me about his trip to see his mom. He has a really rough relationship with his mom, having to do with some childhood trauma that I can't disclose here. The two of them had rehashed some of it during this last visit, and he told me all about it. I was surprised that he disclosed so much that was so personal to me right away. He did it all in a strange detached manner. I mean, he was talking about something so intense that I know he doesn't easily share, but he wasn't at all emotional, instead rather matter of fact.

We drank a few martinis and Narc ate a giant peanut-butter cookie. He had gone shopping down in FL at a bunch of designer clothing outlets and had bought at least $4000 worth of clothes (but at discount prices). That included two pairs of Versace shoes and a Versace jacket that he was wearing that evening. It was some ultra-cool shiny silver thing that he called his "director's jacket." He was so pleased with himself that I couldn't help but think it was cute and fawn all over him. (As for me, I'm so not into designer stuff and I never spend money on clothes, so I couldn't possibly be the most appreciative audience for his new wardrobe, but I tried!)

From there we took off for another neighborhood bar--the same place we had been two weeks before--the Saturday night that he told me he loved me. Even there, our conversation continued to feel awkward. I tried to keep myself calm and not read too much into it. I had to keep this night drama-free. I had to give all of this a chance. He seemed to still be upset by his visit home. He said that his lower back hurt, and when I felt it, it was all tied up in knots, so I gave him a little massage. I guess we've both been under a lot of stress. We had a few drinks there, but I wasn't drinking much and didn't want to stay out too late. I told him so, and asked if I should head back to my place.

"No, come home with me," he said. "But we won't do much except sleep. I'm tired too."

(Okay... I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but I would soon find out.)

Back at his place, we watched some old episodes of Sex in the City. He ate a sandwich that he had picked up at "Subway" on the way home. I wasn't hungry. (After all, I had gorged myself on the NAACP buffet!) We lounged around half naked, but uncharacteristically, he didn't make any kind of move to instigate sex. I didn't understand. I kept waiting for it, but it was not forthcoming. It was almost as if he were half-ignoring me. I started to feel a little rejected. Nevertheless, I was determined not to over-react and not to make any drama, so I forced myself to let it go. After all, he had just had a rough past few days and had just confided a lot in me about his mom. Maybe it was making him a little uncomfortable. I tried to remind myself that I'm just feeling extra sensitive because of the rocky situation we've had as of late. At one point I could see that he was thinking about sex (it became rather visually apparent), but when he noticed that I noticed, he hopped up and said he had to go to the bathroom. Strange...

After a few hours, we turned in for bed. He pulled me in very close to him, and was very affectionate as we were falling asleep, but still, no sex. I was frustrated, but resigned myself for the evening and drifted off to sleep in his arms.

The next morning, I slept in later than usual. Usually, I wake up first and try to coax him to wake up too; then, we always end up screwing in the morning. In this case, he woke up first and got out of bed right away, again--as if he were trying to avoid having sex. What the fuck was going on? He jumped into the shower and when he came out, starting surfing the web. I lolled around in bed while he updated me on current Hollywood gossip and various other internet news.

Narc is really big into industrial music and on Monday night, just before we got into that big fight, he had been telling me all about how he got into it, and about the history of industrial music (starting with Stockhausen, etc.) This morning he picked up on that conversation where we had left off, playing me samples of all the bands he had mentioned. It was pretty cool. Going through all the music stored on his computer reminded Narc that he wanted to buy an iPod Shuffle and he said that he intended to stop by the Mac store that afternoon to pick one up.

After a few hours of laying around and being lazy, we decided to get dressed and go for brunch. (I love how it didn't seem like a big deal, when just a few months ago "brunch" was groundbreaking!) Narc said that he wanted to walk up to SOHO and go to Balthazar. We both got dressed--he in his new Versace shirt and shoes, and I in the same dark jeans, black shirt and boots that I had on from night before. (Whereas it had been rainy and cool on Friday night, I had to suffer the whole afternoon today in that outfit in the 80-degree sun!)

After we were both dressed and ready to go, Narc sat down on the couch. What was he doing?

"So... Are you ready to go?" I asked.

"Yeah, in a minute. I just feel like sitting here for a few seconds... Just a few minutes to vegetate."

I was a little confused.

"What's with us, today?" I asked. "We're both so tired!"

"Hmm... Well, maybe we should do something to get our energy up," he said.

And with that, he took off his pants.

I thought it was a strange segway, and even stranger that he waited for the last second before we were leaving and after we were dressed to instigate sex. I mean, it was fine with me, but I'm just not sure what was going through his head with all that.

After we "got our energy up," we redressed and headed off for brunch.

Balthazar was crowded and kind of noisy, so we decided not to go in. Instead we went around the corner to Bar 89 (the place with the really cool bathrooms). I had a very delicious mimosa with my meal, and we shared an ice cream sundae for dessert. How indulgent! Yum!

After brunch we walked up to the Mac store. Narc really wants to get the new powerbook when they come out, and he wants to buy a 30-inch screen too, which would put him out about $6000 combined. He was like a kid in the candy store there and was so excited about some of the technology. He kept showing me all these cool little toys. Finally he had his fill, bought the iPod shuffle and we left. I told Narc that if I ever had that kind of money to spend (the $6000, I mean), I wouldn't spend it on computer toys. Instead, I would spend it on travel.

"I like to travel too, but I never have anyone to travel with," he said. "Every time I go with a woman, it just doesn't work out. It turns into a disaster."

"Why not go alone then?" I asked. "Or with friends?"

"Friends? I have no friends to go with. All my friends are married--coupled off... That, or they're broke."

"That's too bad," I said.

Then Narc brought up that New-Girl. The wannabe-model girl he had briefly "dated" back in March and April. (If you recall, I wrote at the end of April that it "broke my heart.")

"New-Girl wanted to travel with me," he said, "but seriously--that girl drives me crazy! I really can't stand her. And besides that, she's broke too."

I laughed. "Narc, you're too much!"

"Guess she's a strike out on all three!" he said.

Yes! Inside, I was widely smiling.

Narc said there was a 2:15 showing of Cinderella Man at a nearby theater. I said that I would love to join him, and we started to head towards the theater, but realized that we would never make it. Instead, we went back to his place and waited around for the 3:30 showing.

At the movies, Narc paid for my ticket and even held my hand for a few minutes during the show. Yay! After that we strolled down to Battery Park. He was sad because they're doing construction near his favorite spot-- a little duck pond, so the ducks hadn't come back from their winter hiatus. We walked along the water and Narc said that he was going to try to start running there, especially now that he was equipped with his brand new iPod shuffle.

"I just have to start, and do as much as I can," he told me. "Just like the Wizar-ino said!"

(He was referring to a conversation about running that he had with the Wizard on the Monday we met for Burgers in the village. I thought it was really cute that he referenced the Wizard that way.)

Walking back to his place, I asked what he was up to for the rest of the night.

"I don't know... Just staying in, but I really have to try to get some work done. What about you?"

"Don't have any plans yet, really, but I'll figure something out," I told him.

As we approached his place, he hailed me a cab. As the cab pulled away from the curb and he crossed the street, he turned around to wave to me. It's the first time he's ever done that.

So now I'm home, and I feel like all in all, everything went really well. I realize with Narc (after last time) that I can't push him. He seems to come around on his own. And maybe I should try to let go of the past a little. I haven't gotten cursed at or insulted or woken up in the middle of the night in a long time. I told him that I'd give him a call on Monday.

"If we don't talk before then," he said.

It surprised me.

Well, now it's just about 9:00 and it's Saturday night. I've got to hop in the shower, get dinner and then go figure out my plans. Should it be a night out or a night in? We'll see how I feel after my shower...

Later!

-Hyde-