I had planned to write more tonight, but then, I didn't plan on crying. I'm so fucking tired of holding everything together. I'm tired of being sober. I'm tired of not being perfect. I'm tired.
I cried it out, but it's still there... it's all in me and nothing has changed.
That said, things with Narc went as smoothly as possible. He called me on Sunday night when I was at Hammer's place.
"Hyde-eeen," he said, as he is prone to do. "We need to talk. Are you with people?"
"Yes, I'm with people."
"Can you call me when you're not with people?"
"Um, yeah..."
"So call me tonight."
"Okay."
Then I went back to watching "American Princess" with Hammer and the Alaskan.
Anyway, that night I ended up going to Narc's. I know how it sounds... but, it was a minor-miracle of a night. We had an honest, loving, open and vulnerable conversation and proceeded to spend the next two days together. But I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. My eyes are too red and swollen, and I'm too cried out to attempt it right now.
I was scolded by my sponsor today. I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up. I had two or three drunk dreams in the past week. And I don't feel like talking to anybody. I feel like a phony all the time because I don't want to engage with anyone. I hate people. And I'm fucking sick of life.
Okay, now I sound just plain nasty. I better stop writing before it gets much worse. Perhaps tomorrow will find me in better spirits.
Good night, all.
love,
hyde
8 comments:
Don't give up, but don't beat yourself up for how you are feeling either. Be gentle with yourself, Hyde.
Sorry, but you would have to be way nastier than that to get rid of me. You are going to get through this. You are. You are stronger than you think and what you give yourself credit for. Hang in there, stay strong, and stick to your beliefs.
None of us are or can be perfect. I think we'd be pretty boring if we were. And we all have days or weeks where we feel really pissy and tired of other people and ourselves. As j said, try to be gentle with yourself as you go through this. As abbagirl pointed out, you're stronger than you know.
When I have a drunk dream it's scary and unsettling. But mine remind me of how bad things were and they keep it green for me. Is this something you could try?
Hang in there and take it moment by moment if you have to. Have you ever made a gratitude list? It helps me to remember the good things in my life when I think that everything sucks. I can also go back and look at it later to be reminded. Just some thoughts and suggestions you can take or leave.
I'm thinking of you! *hug*
Life involves passions, faiths, doubts, and courage.....
.
.
I want to say something, but everything I think to say sounds trite and obvious. So I'm just going to send you some positive energy. A very California thing to do!
btw, did the reference to a gratitude list make you grit your teeth or even, perhaps, make a noise? I usually do when someone suggests I make one. *G*
Hyde-
Unattainable perfection is...
.
.
.
seriously!
Post a Comment