I've been making some bad decisions lately... and having trouble making decisions. Yesterday I sort of "had it out" with my sponsor. I'm thinking that I have to switch sponsors. This hasn't been working for me for a very long time. I don't think I'm ready for my fourth step either. I told her that. I hope she can respect it. I'm supposed to meet with her tonight at 5:00.
First I have to meet with a professor for a possible independent study. I have to leave my house in a few minutes or else I'll be late.
As for Narc, nothing has changed... I love him, I hate him, I love him, I hate him.
After a lovely "Russian feast" lunch with NDN, I had a mini-breakdown yesterday while trying to do my fourth step. I ended up on the phone with my therapist and a bunch of women from AA. Then I treked up to a meeting, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes with fat snowflakes landing on my shoulders. Hammer and I had to cancel our 24 night, as she was stuck on the runway returning from Arizona. While I was at the meeting, Narc left me two messages:
Hey, it's me. Just giving you a ring. It's like ten past six or something like that. Getting through my day. I'm actually watching "The Illusionist" right now-- not a very good movie. Just can't really get into it. Yeah, sorry I had to cancel on you last night. My friend L was over last night and it sort of stretched out into this long dramatic thing. Brother in Iraq, 30 killed, she doesn't think he's one of them but doesn't know yet. Blah blah blah. Um... No good at all, I suppose. I tivo'd "Rome" but have not watched it yet... but you probably watched it last night. Yeah, 24 this evening. Sure you have plans to watch it with somebody or some such thing. But, I will be viewing myself if you want to come down and say hello. Give me a call when you can...
And then:
Oh, Hyde-een. "Ms. H" as your students called you. It is 8:30. 30 minutes to 24. Actually, in my case it's more like 40 minutes, because I REFUSE to view the commercials so I'm going to be starting late. So... yes... Anyway, sure you have your 24 plans, but give a call when you can. Okay, bye.
When I got home, we texted a little.
Hyde: May do 24 alone tonight. Just got home. A lot on my mind... But will call later...
Narc: Will start watching in 3o min or so if you want to come down.
Hyde: Need to be alone for a while. But maybe in an hr or 2, if you're still up for it, will swing by. Let you know...
Narc: Everything OK? Will hold off on "24" for an hour or so...
Hyde: Yeah, I'm ok. Just going through a lot internally. Hard to articulate. Esp. in a text.
Narc: Perhaps this is the transformation you've been waiting for? Playing "Call of Duty" in the meantime... (wink)
Hyde: Coming in half an hour. Want food?
Narc: Junk food of course! Cool Ranch doritos. Gatorade, etc.
Hyde: K.
Later that evening, he fucked me but wouldn't kiss me. I felt like Hammer with Timesy. The other day Brick and I watched a movie-- "Friends with Money." Narc is the perfect combination of the two guys Jennifer Aniston dates in that movie. Ugh. I also found out that he had made up his story about L's brother in Iraq. He invited her to meet up with him for drinks after he told me that he was already with her being supportive about her brother. He is a liar, but I already knew that. Oh, and apparently, he thinks PopStar is "cheating on him," but he still says he's in love with her and wants to marry her. As the Wizard once put it... a Mac truck is a Mac truck. No one to blame except for myself. There's no hatred for Narc left in me... only for myself.
I am seriously losing it, though. I feel so very lost.
In the meanwhile, I am awash with unwanted suitors. I had brunch with TT on Sunday, a new guy from AA-- OddBall called me to ask me out this weekend (I am so not interested, and it makes me feel "awkward"), and the Smolderer (from Cheers) has been calling trying to get me to go out with him and to buy into some herbal pyramid scheme he is selling. It's all bullshit.
I need to find a "higher power" and I can't. I need to backtrack.
I have decisions to make, but it's all so dark. And I don't trust anyone.
Anyway, gotta run now... I'm gonna be late to meet with the new professor.
love,
h
5 comments:
Step 3, Hyde, instead of seeking the easier, softer way...
I'm not very helpful stepwise, but I do know that step 4 is very intense. Worked with a client while she went through that.
I'm struck by the idea that you don't have a higher power. I've noticed a very spiritual sense to you, so I wonder about what a higher power means to you.
Anyway, I hope that things brighten a little soon. January is always such a dark time.
...pass go and collect 2 million. You are so right to not go out with anyone from the program so soon.
You win all the prizes, I am absolutely ecstatic about how well you're handling the whole thing.
everyday you renew my faith in 12 step programs. WELL DONE! keep it up, the 4th will come when you're ready and not a minute before.
I have experienced the fucking/no-kissing thing. It is frustrating beyond end. It's like Tantalus...having what you want right there, and yet not really having it. If you ever need/want to talk...
Okay, so I totally don't understand something. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? If I could take you and give you a look at yourself from the outside in, you would shock yourself. How does a confident, well-spoken, spiritual, bright person as yourself be taken aback by someone like Narc? You can do so much better if you would only "allow" yourself the time. BELIEVE in yourself that you can do it. I can tell by your writing. Can't you? B - R - E - A - K the cycle.
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