The Catch Up Continues...

I want to write something this week about what I've been going through with my fourth step and my thoughts about a "higher power," but I don't have it in me right now. As I never finished writing that "catch up, catch up, catch up!" post from last week, here's a feeble attempt to finish it:

Thursday, January 11th:

I was still in the pits of depression that day. It was the day after the chocolate pizza with Dan. I felt gross and ate a lot of pasta and then felt worse, so I popped some caffeine pills. (I know-- not a very "sober" thing to do). Later that day I met Slope for coffee and had a triple shot espresso. She's pretty cool-- a screenwriter (like Narc!). She's smart, but she's only 22 and I can feel the difference, if you know what I mean.

After the meeting that night, I went out for "fellowship" with Cherubino and some others, including a thoroughly crazy woman, Joyful, who kept showing everyone the slashes through her wrists, as she had just attempted suicide a few days earlier. I ended up giving Joyful my phone number and while I know it was the right thing to do in the AA world, I came to regret it, as she left me several wacky messages that left me feeling stressed out and imposed upon. But I guess, those are my issues...

Friday, January 12th:

That Friday I went to the movies with B and bought a new iPod nano at the Circuit City at Union Square. I sent Narc a picture of my new toy.

You just got it? Why not wait for the iPhone??? he wrote.

I can't afford an iPhone, was my reply.

Anyway, that night I met Cherubino at a meeting on the Upper West Side. Crazy Joyful was there and I had to tactfully disentangle myself from conversation afterwards. Then Cherubino and I headed over to her apartment where we talked about life, boys and sponsorship, watched a Harry Potter movie and she straightened my hair.

Saturday, January 13th:

On Saturday I planned to head out to Long Island to look at dresses for LilSis' wedding with BigSis and my mom. As I was getting ready to go, I got a text from Brick. (This was before he decided to come back to AA...)

Hey girl! he wrote.

Hey, I answered.

Brick: Just read ur blog. Is Mystic back?

Hyde: Ha ha! Looks like he's still here as a commenter...

And then he called. So, I picked up. We talked for a long time. Brick told me that everything was fine-- that he was happy and that he had successfully become a "social drinker." I wasn't about to argue. (At this point, given Brick's recently renewed commitment to sobriety, I don't think it's worth trying to recreate that entire conversation.) That said, we talked for over an hour. I was moody for the rest of the afternoon. I felt like crying in the bridal shop and didn't feel better until I had downed a tremendous Starbucks coffee. After the coffee, BigSis headed home and I went to my mom's place to spend some time with my stepbrother. I taught him how to play the "Jeopardy song" on the piano. We also sang a somewhat revisionist version of the Doors "Light my Fire." Then I packed up and ate dinner at the Ground Round with my parents and my stepbrother before making the return trip to the city.

Sunday, January 14th:

That Sunday I met B at church in the morning. He was serving as an acolyte. The boy sitting in the pew behind me sang his hymns earnestly and at a respectable volume. I was privately amused. Afterwards we lunched at the diner before parting ways. Brick sent me a text asking if I wanted to meet up with him that night, but I told him I couldn't. Instead, we made plans to have lunch together the following afternoon. I was nervous about it though. I wasn't sure that it was the right thing for me. I hadn't seen him in over a month. I was still pretty heartbroken that he wasn't there for me the week of my birthday.

Later that night, I headed over to Narc's for the season premiere of 24. I brought some Ben & Jerry's and Narc ordered us Vietnamese, but then we had a little spat about how to watch the show. I wanted to watch in "real time" including commercials, as I am in the habit of texting B during the commercials and occasionally calling my mom. "24" is the only show I have like that-- my friends watch at the same time as I do and it's a shared experience. Narc said "no."

"Nope. We're not doing it that way. I don't watch commercials."

I stared at him dumbfounded.

"But I always watch it like that. It's important to me. Please, Narc?"

"No. I don't watch commercials and that's that."

"Narc! I can't believe this. Please!!!"

"I said no."

He shot me a look of awful finality. I could feel the tears welling up in my throat and my eyes and the flush of my cheeks. But, Narc is Narc and there was nothing I could do. I turned away from him in silence.

Don't text me during the show, I wrote to B. I'm starting late.

The air between us was heavy. I'm one of those people who carry a really strong energy-- an aura that's not hard to feel, and I know that Narc was suffocated by it in the moments following our exchange.

The clock struck 9:00 pm. The show was about to start. I looked at him pleadingly. He didn't say anything. The show began to run. And then, the commercials came. And he let us keep them on.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!" I cried, leaping across the couch onto his chest and beaming up at him.

"Ugh! All these dumb ads," he mumbled.

But it was sweet.

It's not sweet, it's ridiculous, Hyde. He's 30 years old. Why did he have to make you feel so bad about a simple request like watching the commercials? Why did you stay? Why do you give all of your power away?

I shoved that voice away to wherever voices like that go and for the rest of the evening, I rested comfortably in an oblivious denial.

Monday, January 15th:

The next morning, Narc made me breakfast. Yes-- you read that right! He made breakfast! It was quite a display. It even included yogurts in perfect little bowls and a cheese plate adorned with blueberries. I felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe.

Brick and I spoke on the phone briefly and made plans to meet later in the afternoon. Unfortunately, there was some confusion about the planning and I thought that Brick was blowing me off again.

I came down hard on him:

Brick-- either call me soon or don't call me ever again, I wrote. I have no more patience for this.

Brick has the ability to get under my skin like no other. I told him that he's some sort of "gay best-friend" version of Narc. That's the best I can explain it. As Hammer pointed out-- I often need a lot of recovery time from both. Anyway, after the mini-drama, we ended up meeting up anyway. We ate at the Comfort Diner. It was strange to see him again after not having seen him for so long-- especially because he was drinking. I told him that it was best not to talk about it. He agreed.

"Even if you're drinking happily, it's hard for me to hear," I said. "In my book, whether it's one drink on a weekend or a hundred during the week, you're an alcoholic who's drinking and that's sad."

I was sad.

That night, Brick came over for the Golden Globes pre-show and then I ended up watching the second half of the "24" premiere alone.

Tuesday, January 16th:

I'm trying to remember what happened on Tuesday... It was fairly unremarkable except for the fact that I tried out an appointment with a new therapist. I love the therapist I'm seeing right now, but she's not covered by my insurance, and as I am still getting a lot of financial support from my parents, I really can't justify having health insurance that will cover therapy and not using it. I didn't really click with this new woman, though, so we'll see...

Oh-- later in the day, I had an appointment with a nutritionist. Someone who specializes in "addictive nutrition." I learned an incredible amount from that appointment, and it's enough to warrant its own post, so I'll leave it at that.

Wednesday, January 17th:

I guess last week really was "mental health" week. After all of the depression the week before, I had to do something. So, after the therapist and the nutritionist on Tuesday, I went to see a psychiatrist on Wednesday. He wants to try a different combination to help with my depression, but I haven't switched over yet. Again, more on that at some point in the future, I guess...

Thursday, January 18th:

On Thursday I met Bezoukhoff at Union Square for lunch, followed by tea (I had a flavor called "Marco Polo"), followed by the three hour documentary, Verdict on Auschwitz. It was depressing, to say the least. And it was Thursday that I got the text from Brick:

I need AA.

I promised to meet with him as soon as he got out of work. I can't tell you how glad I was to see him willing to try again.

Bezoukhoff and I went to Whole Foods where I bought oat milk (part of the conversation with the nutritionist the day before) and he accompanied me back to my house where we hung out for a while. And then, I headed out to meet Brick at the diner. Brick wanted to stay over my place that night, but I didn't think it was a good idea. Instead, I summoned all of my will power (after all, "I'm just a girl who can't say 'no.'") and I told him that he had to go home. I ended up going back to his place with him, tossing the beer, helping him change his sheets and crawling into bed with him until he fell asleep, but I did ultimately end up going home by myself and I was proud of myself for that. It was even harder for me because Narc had texted me earlier in the evening, inviting me over to his place. I told him that I couldn't-- that I was helping a friend with some personal drama.

Ah yes-- never-ending, it seems, he replied. Chicken soup time!

Friday, January 19th:

The next night I had plans to return to Long Island again. My mom made an appointment for me to meet with the couturier at the bridal shop. This time, I invited Brick to come. I met him in midtown in an attempt to make a meeting with him, but our meeting book was not up to date and a security guard informed us that the meeting wasn't happening. So, instead, it was off to Penn Station. Once at my parents house, my mom fed us Chinese food, and then we all sat around the piano with my stepbrother and sang. Once my stepbrother went to bed, Brick, my mom, LilSis and I sat around the fire place and talked.

Friday was the day I sent Narc the "I love you" text. As you know, he wrote back "love you too, Call later," and "call later" he did. He said that he had just finished dinner with ModelChick and was in my neighborhood.

"I thought I might come up and see you," he said.

"I would love that, but I'm with my parents on Long Island."

"Ah... doing the family thing?"

"Yeah. But how about Sunday, Narc? We could watch Rome together if you want."

"Sure, that sounds great."

I was surprised that he accepted my proposal. It's not like him to be willing to make plans, and I was happy. (Little did I know at the time, he would later blow me off and Sunday night would never happen.)

Saturday, January 20th:

On Saturday, I started off the day by making eggs for Brick and my stepbrother before Brick, LilSis, my mom and I headed back to the bridal shop. After an afternoon of trying on dresses, my mom, my stepfather, Brick and I drove into Queens to see The Good German. There was a little bit of confusion before the film started-- we ended up in the wrong theater and had to relocate at the last minute-- but we eventually got it worked out. It was a strange movie. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it.

There was a bitter chill in the air on Saturday and after dinner, we grabbed some pizza for dinner. Then Brick and I had to brave the cold waiting on the Long Island Railroad platform to get back home.

That night we bummed around my place and watched The Devil Wears Prada. Brick stayed over.

Sunday, January 21st:

On Sunday morning, Brick took off while I was still "mosey-ing" and then I headed over to the West Side for brunch with TT. We met at Vynl. I got there first. When TT arrived, he gave me a kiss and a hug hello. I still feel a little awkward around him, but he's a nice guy... TT paid for brunch (was it a date? a meal shared by friends? who the fuck knows... I did "the reach" and offered him something, so I have no guilt...) and invited me over to his place afterwards. He recently moved into a new apartment-- a place he bought. It's cute, but apparently it was a real "fixer upper" and he did most of the work himself. He showed me some "before and after" pictures of the place and I have to admit-- it's truly impressive how much he turned that place around.

The rest of our hang out was strange. We ended up sitting on the couch, drinking diet coke and chatting when the subject of musical theater came up. Then he started trying to describe to me some musical episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"-- a show that I never watched. I expressed some polite interest in what he was saying, which led to him finding the DVD and playing me the episode. So... that's what we did-- we drank diet coke, sat in awkwardly close proximity to each other and watched Buffy.

At around 4:00 I headed back to my apartment where I once again met up with Brick. We hung out for the rest of the afternoon and then went for sushi.

That evening, Brick and I watched Friends with Money. NDN came up to say hi to us and to share some of his recently purchased kvass. NDN (for some reason I can't quite explain) ended up kissing my neck and leaving me with a hickey. Brick stayed over again that night.

***************

So... that brings me up to date until this week. There's still Monday to write about with its "Step Four" crisis and my visit to Narc and then yesterday-- lunch with B, a meeting with PR-Prof (the new professor), and an awkward conversation with Narc to close the day.

But, I'm tired of writing and I want to start my day, so that's it for now.

Yay! I have done my blog-duties and completed my "catch up." I'm relieved.

love,

h