Things are a real mess right now. Last night I saw Brick for the first time since Monday. I felt very uncomfortable around him. And, as I could have predicted, group was a minor disaster. Brick described what happened between us as "a disagreement." I had to protest. I found myself angry-- a very rare feeling for me. I told him that he has disrespected me, that he misrepresented himself, that he's a liar, that I can't trust him and that I have no interest in being his friend on any level. I know I came down hard on him, but I was in a lot of pain.
I don't feel like re-telling all of it right now, but I guarantee I'm not going to hear from Brick for quite some time, if ever. When I got out of group, I started to cry hysterically. I stood alone on Park Avenue, my face red and my chest heaving. Then I called BigSis. Would you believe it??? I called BigSis! She was great. By the time I got home I felt better.
Last night, my head against the pillow, I wrote Brick a text:
I'm sorry. I don't think you're a bad person & I didn't mean to attack you. I am just feeling very hurt. I guess our needs are just not compatible right now. Even so, know that I love you as a friend and am rooting for you. I'm sorry it had to work out this way. Take care...
Like I said-- I don't expect a reply.
I woke up this morning feeling empty. Free, in a weird way, but empty. I so want to call Narc. To be able to call Narc. But I know that it's not right. Hammer is away this weekend and so is NDN. Hammer needs me to look after little Jimmy, her bird...
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm off to teach about Ancient Rome.
I hate endings. For the first time in maybe eight years, I don't have a boy to look after.
Sigh.
-h-
4 comments:
"For the first time in maybe eight years, I don't have a boy to look after."
This is maybe a good thing. It will give you the space to take care of Hyde.
It sucks that it's been such a rough time, though.
Oh my, I understand your text message even more now. May I ask why you'd want a boy to "look after?" That sounds like a chore, not a pleasure.
Spins-- You're right, but that scares me and I don't like the feeling.
Dan-- That's something I'll try to explain when I see you in person. (Hopefully this weekend!)
-h-
Well you wouldn't have to explain it to me....
I once said to you that if you joined AA's one day you would understand....No one said it would be easy.
If you you do the things that are suggested to you in the program whether you understand it or not, one day you will get it. You will also be free of needing someone else to care for.
You have a lot of love locked up inside. I know that one day you will meet someone who will be worthy of it..
You can take that to the Bank.
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