I'm realizing more and more what an incredibly difficult time I have trusting people... really trusting them. Brick and I hung out all afternoon today. We were going to hang out this evening as well, but he made a date while at my place and then told me he was leaving. I was very upset. I was sure that I shouldn't count on anyone or anything. I shouldn't lean on anyone except for myself.
Alone.
I'm not sure if my spiraling feelings were appropriate or not, but there I was-- completely ditched on a Saturday night, when it was already too late to try to plan anything else.
I felt lonely. I felt abandoned. I felt hurt. I felt anything but safe.
He left.
I cried.
Then I pulled myself together.
Now I'm trying to decide what to do. I know what I want to do... I want to go "o-o-o-out!" and escape the misery of myself. But, I don't know...
What I do know? That I'm so fucking tired of this. All of that "I want to live" crap from a few days ago? I have no clue where it went. Because to tell you the truth, right now I couldn't care less if I lived or died. And with that being the case, what's to stop me from drinking tonight? What's to stop me except blind faith that if I can hold off, I'll feel better in the morning? How far can a girl get on something she doesn't believe?
Last night while I was tossing and turning, I kept wanting to text Narc.
I really did love you, I wanted to write. I'm sorry I couldn't be more than I am.
I didn't write any texts.
Now I feel sick.
-h-
5 comments:
You may not feel better tomorrow compared to today without drinking, but you know you'll feel really awful if you do go out drinking.
What more can I say? You're awesome, you don't need to get drunk.
Sober Hyde (or Jekyll)> Drunk Hyde
Dan is right, but it still sounds really lonely. If it's any comfort, I'm at home alone tonight, too. It's too bad you can't join me. I'm going to watch The Tick on dvd.
Spins: Live-action or animated?
I stopped by your blog in the past, back before you quit, and I always thought it interesting. Now I stop by again, and I see how much progress you've made.
Ups and downs, miss. Hold on to the rollercoaster of life, because the yin will eventually take over from the yang.
I also know what it feels like to be in love and have that denied, I'm sure that a lot of people do. But just remember, at least the wound that was inflicted by him not being there will eventually heal. It hurts, it always hurts when you can't have the one you love. Time will take care of it, even when it feels like everything has abandoned you.
I don't even know you, but if I could fly out and give you a hug and just chill and watch tv? I'd do it. People are out there sweetheart, maybe not always at the exact time that you need them, but all you need to do is ask and eventually someone will hold you and tell you it's all right.
--anonymously, a friend.
Thanks...
Anonymous-- hope you come back!
:)
h
Post a Comment