The Nuthouse

I started to write this post on Sunday night... Then I was interrupted by that text from Narc and got all thrown off. So, I'll post this here now in it's original form and then continue on with my story...

9/3:

I can't believe it's September! I'm meeting the month with a mix of fear and relief. It's been a pretty good weekend for me so far. Brick, Hammer and NDN are all out of town, so you'd expect me to be lonely, but I'm not. Anyway, let me back-track just a bit...

On Wednesday night I met up with Dan. He was heading to Albany the next day, so we made plans to meet after my group for one last hang-out. I really hadn't seen him that much at all this summer. We met at Cheers and had a bite to eat (and I befriended the new waitress) but it was kind of noisy there, so we cut out and went on a walk. We walked up through Tudor City and then around to First Avenue and over to Dag Hammarskjold Plaza. There, we sat and talked until after midnight when I made a pit stop for ice cream and headed to bed. We had some nice long talks... therapeutic friend talks are always the best!

On Thursday I taught another class and then that night, after I got back from meeting with my sponsor, I felt different. My first step was done... really done. I was different. But I wasn't so different that I was able to sleep. When I got into bed I was sad. It was a strange sadness. Strange because it didn't feel connected to anything... to any drama, that is. I missed my dad. That was it... plain and simple. I missed my dad and it made me sad. I started to cry. But I was okay. I somehow knew that I was okay-- a very rare thing for me-- and I managed to stay put and try to get some sleep. The sad feelings about my dad passed, but even so-- I tossed and turned for hours that night! I wanted to call someone, but didn't know who to call or what to say. I felt like I was dissolving a little bit. I felt all alone. I felt like I needed... I needed. But I tried to calm myself, to focus myself, to soothe myself. I thought about Narc. I wondered what he was doing, where he was... I wondered if he were awake.

You could text him, I thought. Just text him and tell him you're feeling like an insomniac... Somehow I managed to hold on and not text him. I sent a text to Brick instead.

The next morning I was proud of myself. Hmm... is that how one builds self-esteem?

Yes, on Friday morning I awoke feeling good. I hadn't slept at all on Thursday night, but it didn't matter. I still felt good. I met up with B for lunch afterwards and I told him something that I still know to be true-- for the first time in as long as I can remember, I don't want to die. I'm not saying that I've always been actively suicidal, but at times I have been, and most of the time, I couldn't care less if I lived or died. Part of me was always craving death, end, escape, annihilation, sublimation... I wanted to die by passing into "other," by merging with another, by giving away my existence, my life, my purpose. That stuff is like breathing for me. But I felt different on Friday-- grounded, somehow and simply wanting to live. No wonder I need to get my shit together... I want to live! What a thought...

Anyway, after lunch, we walked back to my place and I sang for him for a while. Then we watched some of the US Open and talked. That night I had plans to meet up with NDN and a new friend of his-- ScrappyGirl. NDN met this girl at a wine tasting party (that he attended with his ex-girlfriend) and has since had a major crush on her. ScrappyGirl has a boyfriend, but flirts with NDN and basically told him that she's into him. I met them at NDN's new apartment. NDN was all decked out in a wig and some of his grandfather's old clothes. I really liked ScrappyGirl. She's gorgeous and down to earth and smart and "scrappy," as NDN put it.

The three of us headed to Little Korea for dinner. NDN had tried to pre-arrange an "awkward moment" by having ScrappyGirl proposition me for a threesome, but I saw through his ruse right away. Dinner was great though, and I found out that ScrappyGirl and I have a lot in common.

After dinner, I had plans to go to an AA meeting, but I had some time to kill, so NDN and ScrappyGirl walked me over to the West Side and we stopped in a diner for ice cream and pie. I "casually" grilled ScrappyGirl about her current relationship to get some info for NDN. NDN was freaking out that a friend of his was being rude about not consolidating their plans to go to East Hampton the next day. In any case, I had to leave early from the diner in order to make my meeting.

It was a good meeting, and I saw a familiar face there-- a woman I don't really know, but who I've seen at a couple of different meetings around the city. She introduced herself to me-- Cassie. I told her that I remembered her from a meeting in early June-- it had been her birthday and everyone sang. She was excited that I remembered her and we exchanged numbers. She was nice, but I got an odd vibe from her. At the end of the meeting, when we held hands, she squeezed my hand extra hard.

Anyway, when I got home that night, I hung out with NDN...

Okay, let me interject here... That's as far as I got on Sunday. I'll continue the rest of the post now...

9/5:

So... Where was I? Ah yes... Hanging out with NDN on Friday night. We watched an episode of "Lucky Louie" and analyzed the ScrappyGirl situation for a while. At around 1:30 am, I headed upstairs to bed.

The next morning, I woke up bright and early to go to an AA meeting before heading out to visit my family on Long Island. I picked a women's meeting from the book after I had such a great experience when it was all women in group on Wednesday. It was a really small meditation meeting and I loved it. I shared a lot and it was pretty relaxing, although I still need a lot of practice at mediation and getting my mind to quiet down.

It was a rainy Saturday and I headed straight from there to Penn Station. Once again, my cab driver fell in love with me, telling me I am a "beautiful lady" and he asked for my number. I don't know what it is with me and cab drivers! It's the weirdest thing...

Anyway, my family had planned an afternoon of cooking and then rainy day movies. BigSis and Bro-in-Law picked me up from the train station. When we got back to the house, my mom, LilSis and JBC were there. My mom and my sisters and I set about preparing an Armenian feast. I decided to try something new and make Kibbeh. They came out delicious and I was very proud of myself. For the first time in a really long time, I had a simple and great day with my family. I felt comfortable with them and happy to be around them. I felt like I was home-- a feeling I haven't had in years and years.

After a while, the boys came up from the basement where they were playing video games and my stepfather returned from wherever he had been and I sang Rigoletto for everyone while we set the table. Dinner was great, except when the conversation turned to health and my mom pointed out that she was now just past the age that her father was when he died from a heart attack (60). My mom's father's brother (my great uncle) died last summer from cancer at age 67 and we have his unveiling this coming weekend. I started to feel sick to my stomach.

"Great. Now I'm anxious!" I said.

"Me too!" said LilSis.

"Me too!!!" said BigSis.

All of us felt terrible and we were all freaking out with "abandonment" fears. It was strange for me to see that LilSis and BigSis think so similarly to me, despite our very different ways of expressing it. LilSis is getting married in a year, so there's a lot of wedding-planning going on. She says that she doesn't want to use the terms "husband and wife" in the wedding. When I asked her to explain, she said that it cements things in a way that scares her.

"If I never get too close, I can't get hurt if I'm left alone," she said.

"I also can't deal with being left alone, but I do the opposite-- I cling on with all my might even when something is dead in the water."

"I don't get how you can do that!" she laughed.

But again, I never realized how much we are the same. She comes across as so much harder and colder than I. And BigSis is less hard, but more neurotic, having to control the details. She is still so freaked out by thinking about 9/11 because she gets scared that Bro-in-Law will leave for work and never come back. We're all nuts, I guess. Yes, I was feeling close to my sisters, but only because we come from the same nuthouse.

Later, after dinner, it was time for the movie. BigSis had brought three movies-- Inside Man, Shop Girl and The Squid & the Whale. She walked around asking which we wanted to watch. The boys immediately chose Inside Man. My mom chose The Squid & the Whale. When she came to me, I said I didn't care which one we watched. LilSis said the same. BigSis started to get annoyed at us.

"Just pick one!" she barked.

"I don't want to," I said. "I really don't mind whatever we watch..."

"Have an opinion!" she cried. "Don't worry about what the stupid boys want. Choose!"

"The boys wanted Inside Man?" my mom asked, coming out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. "We can watch that one. I don't mind."

"No!" BigSis exclaimed. "You wanted the other one! Why are you changing your mind for them?!?!"

"It's okay... I want Inside Man now. I really do," my mom said.

"This family is fucking crazy," I chimed in. "We're so co-dependent it's ridiculous."

"That's what I'm saying! Make a choice for yourself!" BigSis sighed, flopping into a chair.

JBC was about to put on Inside Man. BigSis looked as if she would cry.

"Wait a minute," I said. "BigSis is really upset. Why don't we let mom choose the movie."

"Are you really upset?" my mom asked her with concern. "If you are, we can watch the other one."

"That's not the point! Don't appease their feelings and don't appease me! Why can't the women of this family make a decision for themselves?"

"This is ridiculous," LilSis said. "Just put on Inside Man. Do it now."

LilSis commands attention when she wants it. No one wants to mess with her. The decision was made. Inside Man went on.

It was a ridiculous scene and we were all rolling with laughter by the time the movie went on, but it was good. It's good to crack things open sometimes and to really look at the way the family is working and the roles that people play. Even though I felt like we're all crazy, I felt close to everyone there and again, I felt home. I really love my family.

The movie was mediocre but entertaining. Afterwards, we ate a vanilla cake that BigSis had baked. Then she and Bro-in-Law left. My mom settled me in to the new guest room downstairs, and I fell asleep to the sounds of Law & Order SVU.

Anyway, I have to go teach a class in ten minutes, so I'll be back later with the rest of Sunday and Monday...

:)

h